Day 193- Identifying the thoughts that cause OCD

Within my previous four blogs I have been looking at the obsessive-compulsive behavior that overcomes me when I am at work. This had been so at every job I have worked, and often ends up causing me to believe that the job is the problem, when in reality, the OCD is the source of the difficulty I experience within working/employment/my studies/etc…

The pattern I have been working on pulling apart and re-scripting has been the simple act of ‘seeing tasks through to proper completion’. Within this I have confronted being able to determine within myself,, and in terms of the actual physical work being performed, that which is a ‘job well-done’, that which is ‘overkill’ as a try or attempt to attain an unrealistic standard of unobtainable perfection (OCD behaviour), and that which leads to a ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ before the task, obligation or responsibility is seen through (OCD behaviour).

Within this, I want to dig a little deeper into what causes the compulsion to A) obsess over every little detail of a task, obligation or responsibility, or B) to become overwhelmed and give-up on my ability to actually see the task through, either before even beginning, or before completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, while working on a specific project/task/obligation/responsibility, think about who will be judging me, my work, and the outcome of the work that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the face of the person that I think, believe or perceive will be judging my work, or the outcome at my work, and to visualize it with a discerning or disappointed facial expression whenever I take a moment to contemplate the work I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect anger, fear, anxiety and annoyance to the image of the discerning or disappointed facial expression of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my judgment of the work that I do entirely upon the reaction of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider Who I Am within the work that I do, but instead I have only considered the final judgment of others regarding the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to define and determine Who I Am within the work that I do, because I had only ever concerned myself, worried about, and become paranoid about how my work will be perceived by those in the position of judging my work, signing my paycheck, or grading my assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid about how my work will be judged or perceived in the end because of a fear of the unknown; because I do not know what is going on inside the mind of whomever I believe I need to impress, gain approval from, be validated by or meet the standards of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so critical of my own work, in a try and an attempt to cover every possible detail that might be scrutinized by whoever’s opinion I believe counts when it comes to determining the quality of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive myself to paranoia by haunting my mind with the possible comments, criticisms, objections or disapproving statements that may be directed towards my work, or the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within my work, by constantly and continuously thinking up more and more ways that my work can be criticized, objected, have apparent mistakes pointed out, or become scrutinized and taken apart, when in physical reality, there is only so much I am able to physically do, because I only have so much time to dedicate to each task before the work day is over/the assignment is due/the deadline arrives.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is not enough time in the day to obsess over each detail of a task/obligation/responsibility in a way that would satisfy me, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my emotional reaction of dissatisfaction towards my work to be the truth, and to be who and how I am, and to be an accurate measure of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as never having enough time because I can always twist my work in my mind in order to find a possible mistake or flaw, thus creating and manifesting the experience of ‘never being done’, or ‘never completing’ the task, obligation or responsibility, because I constantly and continuously cycle the thought, idea or belief that it may be pointed out that I had missed a point, left a flaw, made a mistake, or done something improperly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat and cycle the thought of having my work criticized, scrutinized, picked apart, and judged negatively, thus accumulating fear, anger, anxiety and annoyed energy experiences within myself until there is a constant pressure which I seek to appease and release through the obsessive behavior of picking apart my own work and scrutinizing it, judging it negatively and criticizing, by going over it again and again, and doing it over, until the point where I had repeated this pattern to automation and the behavior had become compulsive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overreact, to become offended and hurt, to feel self-conscious and embarrassed, to feel like I am ‘not good enough’ or a failure, when and as someone points out something in my work that can be improved, wherein instead of taking it as a constructive criticism, I would instead take it as a confirmation of the paranoid thoughts I had been repeating and cycling that my work can never be good enough because it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage the work that I do by criticizing it, picking it apart, judging it negatively and scrutinizing it in an attempt to find the flaws and make it presentable, not for an actual person, but for the idea I hold of the person or people I feel will be judging my work, realizing also that the idea I hold of the person in my mind is based in the fear of the unknown and all that the person might judge in my work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the ‘person’ I am creating an image of and projecting on to is Me; It is my self-criticism, my over-scrutinizing, it is only ever me picking apart my own work and finding every possible flaw, and it is myself that is judging my work negatively, and holding it to an impossible standard. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my own self-criticism, self-scrutiny, self-judgment and the self-diminishment within this, by thinking, believing and perceiving that I have been doing this for someone else, or because of someone else.

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I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the people I fear will judge me may very well have the ability to determine what is practically achievable, what acceptable and effective work is, and which standards are obtainable. If they do not, and they themselves display unrealistic standards, then there is nothing I can do about that, except learn and practice and direct myself to stand up within my own work, as Who I Am within what I do, so that the outcome of the work is well done by all practical measures, wherein another’s unreasonable standards will not create a reaction within me, because I determine Who I am within my work.

To be continued....

Continued from:

Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point

Day 188- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point (pt 2)
Day 189- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your JobDay 190- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt. 2)

Day 191- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 3)

Day 192- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 4)

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Day 89- It's Not You, It's Me

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Today I had a big point open up when I thought I was confronting someone about possibly judging me. ‘Confronting’ might not be the right word, because I actually was speaking my back chat or internal voice, in order to ‘put it out there’ to be discussed, because I couldn’t see clearly what I was missing. First of all, I know damn well that worrying about what another is thinking is always me projecting myself onto another. But I was SOOOO convinced that it was the person making me feel bad because of what they ‘might have’ been thinking. So I said that, and the person did NOT accept this shit from me. Normally I would have argued and defended myself, but because I have been practicing self-honesty and listening/hearing, I shut up within myself and listened to the other person’s perspective.  

 What I realized is that this has been a pattern play-out in my life for a really long time. It is self-judgment, wherein over time I have seemingly small, judgmental thoughts about myself, like, oh, my nails look bad, I’m gaining weight, I slept in too late, I didn’t get enough done today, etc… and then I start feeling insecure, and then I’ll start projecting the judgment, by thinking little things like, “I should put this away or he’ll think I’m lazy,” “these pants are too frumpy, he’ll think I’m sloppy,” “I should do more or she’ll think I didn’t get much done today,” etc… Then, when the person is in my midst, I’ll think they are thinking these things about me, and get super self-conscious, but they are not even thinking these things! I would have to be a mind-reader to know the thoughts of another, and anyways- what would it matter what another is possibly thinking? It doesn’t. This all seems really obvious now as I write it, but throughout my life, I have done so many things for fear of what the other ‘might’ think. Sometimes I have had entire relationships in which I have been entirely dictated by this pattern to the point where I don’t even want to be around the person anymore. And because it seems so real to me, I never realized that the judgment was coming from ME, not the other person!

            So, the point that opened up within these realizations is just how judgmental I actually am towards myself. I have an extremely high, even unreasonable standard that I hold myself to, where if I do not achieve perfection, I judge me. So I’m really hard on myself in this way. I’m not even what’s called a ‘type-A personality’, because the way it manifests for me is defeat- wherein I just end up mostly giving up and feeling like “what’s the point- it’s unobtainable- it’s too much work- etc..” which is an attitude that just perpetuates the self-judgment, because I then end up doing less than I am able.

            Within all this, I see that I have to be more gentle with myself, so that I can function from a starting point of self-care and self-consideration, so that I can actually be more effective, and also be able to be and express myself and enjoy the people I spend time with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in my backchat and self-talk to the point where it influences who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat and negative self-talk to exist within and as me, wherein I, throughout the day, make positive or negative judgments about myself in relation to others and the world, thus defining myself as ‘good; and ‘bad’ within my mind, and then confirming my judgments constantly and continuously through/by projecting my self-judgments onto the behavior of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my backchat and negative self-talk onto others in my life and world, because it influences who I am around others wherein I am trying to control their perception of me and thus, my perception of myself, instead of changing myself actually, and BEING who I am instead of perceiving who I am in relation to people, places, things, and events outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for ‘judging me and making me feel bad’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have only been judging myself and being unreasonable with my standards and expectations of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by projecting my self-judgment onto others, and instead of changing I avoided the other, or tried endlessly to ‘be perfect’ in order to not be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being perfect’ as not feeling judged by others, because I see, realize and understand that the mind will constantly and continuously judge unless it is directed with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define ‘being perfect’ as being aware of myself and that which I create, and directing myself and that which I create according to the principle of doing unto others as myself, and being one and equal to myself.

            To me, this character seems like a ‘people pleaser’, so I will take apart and forgive this character in my next blog.

Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.