Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Day 188- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point (pt 2)

This blog is continued from yesterday's blog :

These corrective statements are based on an incident which happened at work. Having OCD as an overarching tendency or disorder which affects my behaviour and ability to function has made it difficult to remain at a job, and to remain consistent within my employment. I have been pushing myself to remain at my current job as a way to expose, investigate and push through this point, and also because I can't continue to switch from job-to-job my entire life.


Within OCD, I create a burden which bogs me down, instead of being able to take clear, practical steps. I can see and I realize that when one learns a job they go through an awkward learning period in the beginning, when everything is new, and then as one learns, one become better at and more efficient within the job. This would include a building, strengthening and constant improvement of one's skills due to the daily practice and application of them.

For me, having OCD, this process is hindered. I follow this pattern to an extent, but then at some point along the way I begin to sabotage myself. I begin to doubt myself and I begin to fall into the mind and the OCD entity that creates and manifests and overwhelmingness within my job/work, no matter what the job/work consists of.

I had thought for a long time that I just can't handle this or that job. But after a while, when the same pattern presents within all the jobs I've had, it comes to a point where it is too obvious to ignore the fact that: the problem is myself.

Herein I am continuing to reveal and expose the 'what', 'why', and 'how' I create problems for myself within the work that I do. This pattern emerged in school as well, wherein I wrote a series about becoming an effective student (Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student), within which I felt as though I was in a battle with the OCD entity.  This manifestation affects my life in everything I do and participate in, and is thus multidimensional and multifaceted. I am determined to look at and understand how it is that I utilize this manifestation to keep me enslaved to the mind and to the disorder, because only when something is understood, can it be changed in ways that actually work, and are actually effective.

I am using the self-forgiveness statements from my last blog to script out the correction for/as myself, to practice and perfect from here on out.

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to do everything and be aware of every detail of every case or situation or else a problem might arise that will reflect poorly on me, within the thought/idea/perception/belief that only I can do it right and do it properly, instead of realizing I am part of an entire team, within which each member has his/her own strengths and weaknesses, including myself”

When and as I see myself looking into a case in too much detail, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the understanding and realization that I am focusing on all the details in a try/attempt to avoid/get out of taking the next step, because I fear making the wrong decision, or I project it will turn out badly.  I direct myself to identify the next step, take a moment to check if I am adequately prepared, and then moving myself to take the next step and move forward within the case.

When and as I see that I am going into the OCD entity as I check to see if I am prepared to take the next steps, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that being adequately prepared will not, in my case, be accompanied by a ‘feeling’ or internal experience of prepared-ness, but will rather be contingent on the use of common sense, taking into consideration the situation taking place within the case.

 I commit myself to practice taking steps forward without the feeling or internal experience of prepared-ness’, and instead move forward based on a reality-analysis of the situation.

I commit myself to give myself a moment to come out of my mind of feelings/emotions/experiences, in order to be able to analyze a situation based on the actual reality of the situation, instead of how I feel about the situation, wherein, in the mind, any horrible outcome is possible, but in reality, I will probably be able to direct the situation to an outcome that satisfies the needs of all parties involved.

When and as I see that I am accessing the OCD entity within/as myself when I am placed in a position of analyzing a situation and deciding how to proceed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-support within the realization and understanding that I am merely sabotaging myself and my ability to do the job when I overwhelm myself by thinking of and fearing every way the situation can go wrong, seeing every detail as a potential time-bomb. I realize I have resources and am set up to work as part of a team that does have the ability to assist in every case, to the safety and wellbeing of everyone involved.

I commit myself to practice and develop the self-trust that I am and will be as I stop basing decisions on mind realities, which seek for comfort and security and how I ‘feel,’ and start basing decisions on real-time, actual physical reality, and the practical outcomes that are and can be achieved.

I commit myself to learning every detail of myself and my own mind, thus  deactivating and disengaging the potential time bombs  existent within me as suppressed wants/needs/desires/dishonesties/secret backchat and internal conversations/fears/etc…, so that I will no fear the details and potential time bombs in my external reality, because I see, realize and understand that that fear was only ever about fearing my own secret mind of past memories/circumstances being exposed.

When and as I see myself fearing my work reflecting poorly on me, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-trust within the seeing, realizing and understanding that I am only fearing facing/exposing moments in my life and work where I secretly cut corners, took the easy way out, slacked off, or participated in my life/work  while not fully present and aware.

I commit myself to be and become fully present and aware within the work that I do, and to do it the best I can, to the fullest extent of my ability.

I commit myself to push myself within learning how to analyze real-time situations in practical ways based on a skeleton structure of steps and not upon how I feel, or how those I am working with feel. I see, realize and understand that practical solutions with an outcome that is best for all will always be more efficient and effective than emotion-based solutions which seek to appease the ego.

I commit myself to clearly define tasks and see them through in the best way I am able, not cutting corners or taking the easy way out, but instead supporting myself to use each breath as effectively as I can.

To be continued...

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