Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Day 184- OCD: The False Victories



Within OCD, there are many vicious cycles. The vicious cycle is one that self-perpetuates, where one action feeds the next, and the next, and then it loops around back to the first, like a snake eating its tail. Within OCD, some cycles are quick ups and downs, highs and lows, or lows and lowers. I’ve also noticed is a longer cycle which over-arches the others. It is a slow decent towards a fall, a giving up or giving in, or towards varying degrees of rock bottom. Rock bottom is a place of consequence. It is the outflow or result of actions which one had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as, which one usually already knew would be consequential, yet did not practice prevention.



Dealing with consequences and picking oneself up from a point of consequence is not easy, and I find it necessary to be clear on one’s starting point when directing oneself out of consequence and back into a standing, self-directed living. The starting point that I have stood from in the past has been one of guilt, polarity and regret for what I had done, and that which I accepted and allowed within myself. This does not create a stable foundation from which to build, but rather creates self-judgment,  and thus things like self-hate and other forms of self-compromise, which are only ever self-sabotage, and will therefore always be followed by another fall. The only starting point that will stand the test of time is one based in the principle of equality and oneness as what’s best for all. So I have to ask myself: Am I contributing to this life to my fullest potential when I have OCD? No, because I spend an incredible amount of time dealing with the disorder in one way or another, which is an incredible amount of time focused only on myself. Am I equal and one? No, because the disorder has directive over me, thus I have separated myself in so many ways, including myself as the disorder, and myself as the sufferer of the disorder. I am not equal to myself as the disorder; I have accepted and allowed the disorder to become greater than my self-directive principle.

Herein, I continue getting to know myself as OCD/dermatillomania, because I cannot be equal to that which I do not understand. I am looking specifically at the above mentioned cycle: the rise from the rock-bottom experience of manifested consequence: I always rise from rock-bottom, if for no other reason than a lack of alternatives. It is necessary for me to clear my starting point within this inevitable and predictable cycle, so that I can continue working towards a permanent solution for myself, to be able to live and express as ME, and not an endlessly limited version of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself slack and loosen my grip on the reigns in my life when and as I am on the upside of the cycle of OCD.

I forgive myself for  not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  the strength I feel  that comes in cycles is not necessarily something I actually directed myself to, but rather simply the upside of a cycle within which I would have experienced the down  side of the ‘low’ just before, with the rise being mostly only an inevitability for one that has not given up completely, thus making the disorder at times bearable enough to not have to really face changing/stopping for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste any real and actual progress I may have made in pushing myself to stop and change, by taking slack at the most important moment, the actual moment/opportunity where real change is possible, by giving in and becoming aloof in that moment, showing that I still fear to really stop and change, and I still have not made the genuine decision to do so, and I am still enslaved or a prisoner to my accepted and allowed way of living, which is a way that is less than who I am or what I have the potential to be, and a way that actually includes self-destructive elements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to not have OCD as an outlet/escape/distraction/reaction/energy generator.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest a positive energetic charge in relation to the upside of the repeating cycle I experience within/as OCD, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fear to lose this positive experience, thus self-creating the conditions for myself to fear to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slacken up and let myself slide within the disorder when I am on the upside of the cycle because I ‘feel’ strong, and I ‘feel’ like I can let myself slip ‘just a little bit’, within the belief that I will bounce back easily, when inevitably and predictably, the slippery slope becomes an unmanageable force and I fall back to square one.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push through and persevere most when it counts most, which is when I feel I need it the least, when my guards are down, and when I am is a ‘positive’ energy that I fear to lose.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to pick myself up out of guit, regret and a lack of alternatives, rather than a self-directed standing up.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand from an unstable starting point, despite the fact tha tI already know where it is going to lead: to another fall.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to  spite myself by continuing to pick myself up without forst clearing my starting point


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fear to clear my sterting point because I know that it will leave no more room for excuses and I wont be able to justify my slips down the slippery slope towards an all-out fall.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to time-loop over and over again, allowing for discouragement, self-questioning and a diminished sense of self-trust.

To be continued…

Continued from: 

Day 169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly
Day 170- CSP: The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 2) 
Day 171-CSP: The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 3)
Day 172: CSP The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 4)  
Day 173- OCD: The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 5) 
To script yourself back into alignment with and as Life, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and others.
 


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