Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point


I broke down at work because it all seemed to be too much. This indicates to me that I have let a point go for too long, wherein I have now demanded of myself to look at the point. I have known about myself and my tendencies within my work/job that have prevented me from progressing, improving and learning, but I have always let it slide, or left the job before figuring out practical solutions for myself, as myself. 

I am both the problem and the solution to my difficulties at work. Self-change in a directed, practical way will change the way I experience myself at my job. I enjoy the work I do, but a familiar patterns has presented. Normally this pattern would have emerged much sooner, and my way of dealing with it up till now has been to believe within myself "I can't do this job, I can't handle it, it's just not my nature"  and quit. Although I do leave room for the possibility that a job may not suit one's nature or being-ness, I would first like to investigate this point before I make any decisions. 

I see this pattern relating to OCD, as the way I would approach problems would be to break it down to the most minute details and obsess over each little one. Although this tactic may work in some circumstances, a balance is usually required in order to see the bigger patterns and the bigger picture as well, in order to determine which details do not require so much attention, and what is already working and does not require to be looked at at all. When I do not allow for this balance, I become increasingly burdened and overwhelmed. I have quit many jobs within the belief that 'it's all too much', however I never took the time to be the solution to the problems I myself cause. I am ready to take responsibility for this point, because I cannot continue to jump from job to job. It would be to my detriment at this point, to not face and direct this point.

I will take responsibility for this point by forgiving that which I have accepted and allowed within myself thus far. Within forgiveness, truths are exposed that would normally be suppressed. Learning the truth of self empowers self to make actual beneficial changes within oneself, instead of blindly repeating the same patterns and habits which get us nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to take onto much at work, more than I am capable of at the moment, due to my obsessive nature in trying to do it all and get it all done quicker, faster and better that I am able to, within the belief that obsessing over every detail will somehow make it happen, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not only not doing it quicker, faster and better, but I am also, within OCD, making myself less efficient, creating more difficulties, and doing a worse job when I trust OCD instead of common sense and its practical application.

When and as I see that I am in the constant state of ‘keeping up’ at work, not focusing on my breath, but rather experiencing myself as digging myself out from under a pile of tasks, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to breath by reminding myself that I can only do as much as I can in one breath, and that what I can control are my priorities. I direct myself to take a moment to prioritize my tasks, not based on who is screaming the loudest, but rather based on what makes the most sense, within and as common sense, thus utilizing each breath in the most effective way I am able.

I commit myself to give myself the time and the moments to take a step back from my work and to figure out, using my common sense and reasoning ability, which tasks should be taken care of first, based on need, situation, and time zone, and not upon emotional reactions.

I commit myself to breathe through the emotional reactions I experience based upon the way I am spoken to, wherein I fear the unknown and suppressed parts of myself will be revealed and catch me off guard. Within this I see that the obsessive compulsive tendencies that make up the disorder, distract me from the unknown parts of myself that I'd rather not look at, allowing those parts/tendencies/habits to fester, proliferate and manifest for real in my life in the form of consequences, which I then react to within OCD rituals which I use to cope with the consequences and how they make me feel, instead of having taking measures to prevent the consequences from happening in the first place..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to do everything and be aware of every detail of every case or situation or else a problem might arise that will reflect poorly on me, within the thought/idea/perception/belief that only I can do it right and do it properly, instead of realizing I am part of an entire team, within which each member has his/her own strengths and weaknesses, including myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much upon my strengths, exalting myself within the belief that  only I can do it right/properly/best, instead of working as part of a team, all the while, knowing within myself that I too have weaknesses which, if left unchecked, will come out and create a problem that will reflect poorly on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing my own weaknesses by focusing upon the weaknesses of others, and by focusing on correcting the mistakes of others without fully focusing on and becoming aware of the mistakes I can prevent, which are the mistakes I make, and the weaknesses I accept and allow to continue when left un-investigated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others avoiding themselves and their own weaknesses by focusing on and concentrating on my mistakes and weaknesses, a fear which I accept and allow by not looking at myself in self-honesty and actually changing/enhancing myself in the ways I require to be changed/enhanced in order to utilize every moment of breath to its fullest potential. But instead I would look to the mistakes and weaknesses of others, and then fear they would do the same to me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be humble as an equal, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly try to be better-than as an experience only, by using thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs instead of actually enhancing myself and the work that I do. I see, realize and understand that this habit/pattern/tendency leaves me open and sets me up for experiencing myself as less-than and actually brings forth my weaknesses as manifest consequences because I am not actually dealing with or directing them, but instead supressing and avoiding them and only focusing on my experience of myself as thoughts/fantasies/imaginations/projections/ideas/beliefs, trying to manipulate my own internal experience based on nothing real, no actual actions, just mind engagement only.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a blurr of innumerable tiny details within the desire to compulsively obsess over each one, instead of taking a step back and a moment to see the bigger picture, thus allowing myself to prioritize my cases/tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into an imagined future within my tasks/cases, that each outcome is doomed and will not work out, or will turn out  in the worst possible way due to the fear that I have missed a tiny detail along the way, instead of realizing that I will not accept or allow this to happen, and I know full well that I have the resources and a team to figure out even the most doomed scenarios, and to correct the situation if I did in fact miss a detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden myself with thoughts and projections that my actions are in vain, that I am not good enough or that I can’t do the job, or that I can’t do it as well as others, thus weighing myself down by judging each action, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I have always kept up, that I am fully capable and only have differing strengths and weaknesses from my peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself and the work I am able to do, by judging my every action as good or bad, thus bringing in an entire system of morality and exaltation that has no place within the work that I do. The determining factors have only to do with prioritizing, learning how to do the task, and then seeing the task through to completion.

I commit myself to take the time to pin point and change my weaknesses, and to pinpoint and enhance my strengths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I can act in the moment or figure out the basics of a case, wherein I would obsess over learning every detail and spend too much time learning facts which may or may not be needed, instead of using methods to obtain time, only if  and when necessary, to figure out what’s going on within a case, thus taking directive of the case and of myself within giving myself the moment to determine how I am best able to handle the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project being caught off guard, and caught not knowing something, and then to fear this projection, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my actions upon the fear of my own projection by falling into obsessive tendencies of over analyzing and over compensating instead of trusting that I can and will direct the situation as it happens by utilizing my resources and my team if/wen I cannot figure something out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that asking for assistance is a weakness, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that it is in fact a strength because it demonstrates a knowing and understanding of one’s own capabilities.

To be continued....

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