Friday, May 31, 2013

Day 191- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 3)

Herein I am continuing to deconstruct the obsessive-compulsive tendency to seek perfection as an idealized mind-creation, jumping ahead in the mind without considering the practical steps required to implement any real change. Compelled by obsessive thoughts of what I could or should do, playing out the outcomes in my mind, always finding fault or seeking an unobtainable standard of perfection, and therefore never actually choosing a point and walking it through in reality.

“I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be humble as an equal, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly try to be better-than as an experience only, by using thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs instead of actually enhancing myself and the work that I do. I see, realize and understand that this habit/pattern/tendency leaves me open and sets me up for experiencing myself as less-than and actually brings forth my weaknesses as manifest consequences because I am not actually dealing with or directing them, but instead suppressing and avoiding them and only focusing on my experience of myself as thoughts/fantasies/imaginations/projections/ideas/beliefs, trying to manipulate my own internal experience based on nothing real, no actual actions, just mind engagement only.”

When and as I create a superior idea of myself in my mind in order to manipulate the way I feel in the moment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality within the realization that I activate the obsessive-compulsive personality by creating, generating and cycling thoughts of how I can improve and be better in order to meet or match that ideal I had created within my own mind. All the while, not seeing, realizing or understanding that as a consequence what I am creating within this is the constant feeling and self-experience of never being good enough, using only thoughts of improvement to constantly re-create the ideal, while never actually taking the initiative to make the changes within and without that would lead to improvement for real.

I commit myself to stop the obsessive and compulsive cycles of thought creation and repetition caused by the belief that thought alone will move me or will change me because it changes the way I feel, by asserting myself within myself and without, to practically apply myself in my reality.

Physical reality feedback: The point of this process is actual change, not just written words or thoughts or ideas. Since I have been observing, self-forgiving, correcting, directing and changing myself within my employment, I have increased all of my numbers, which is the statistical feedback indicating how effectively I am applying myself a work. In some cases, I had not only improved my numbers from my last review, some which were quite poor, but had also surpassed the group average. This is an ongoing process and I am sure I will be challenged again, I will have falls and I will face similar points over and over again, however what is noteworthy to me is that I walked through the point where I would have normally wanted to give up and walk away, which is usually the point of change.

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