I am continuing here with the pattern of self-sabotage within and as OCD.
The following forms of self-sabotage hinder any real progress, growing or evolving within one’s ability to function within a given task/set of tasks/job/activity. Herein I am focusing on myself and my functioning within my employment because it is an ideal place for the OCD personality to emerge, as it is a constant string of tasks requiring prioritizing and successful completion.
The aforementioned self-sabotage takes place within and through the mind creation of the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’, through OCD causing a fear of moving forward within finishing one task or set of tasks, and proceeding onto the next.
Moving from one task to the next is a simple act which can be incredibly difficult to the OCD sufferer, because of the fear that something had been forgotten or missed, and the entire project would seem to be headed for failure or disaster. The constant repetition of a thought or action would be comforting, as if to assure one had looked at it thoroughly enough to have not missed anything. However, that experience of ‘thoroughly enough’ is not reached, or only reached after many attempts/repetitions. The amount of details that can be obsessed over in this way are innumerable, and the tendency to obsess becomes compulsive, meaning, beyond one’s control to refrain from.
Within the following two self-forgiveness statements, I am scripting out a path for myself to follow instead of falling into this pattern of self-sabotage, which is an overwhelming-ness caused by the amount of details to obsess over, due to the fear of missing something, thus never obtaining ‘completion’ or the experience of 'completion', which would free one up to move on to the next task/step/obligation. This lack of the experience of ‘completion’ is also combined with the fear of failure, which would be a projection of inevitable failure due to having missed a detail. (To read more about the ‘experience of completion’ versus ‘actual completion’ within OCD, read this blog: Day 155- I Have OCD, And for the correction, read this one: Day156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable').
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a blur of innumerable tiny details within the desire to compulsively obsess over each one, instead of taking a step back and a moment to see the bigger picture, thus allowing myself to prioritize my cases/tasks.’
When and as I see that I am creating a wall of resistance by obsessing over each detail as if each detail were as important as the one detail that would actually count, and would actually be the thing to do to move forward, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the realization and understanding that I overwhelm myself with all the tiny details when I am confronted with a detail that would actually count, and actually be a move forward due to fear of taking the self-responsibility of directing myself to see a task through to practical completion. I move myself to identify the task which triggered the overwhelming-ness, and I give myself a moment to look at that task in the timelessness of the present moment, and within one breath I move myself to begin that task.
I commit myself to walk the self-trust required to direct myself to stop avoiding, but instead actually begin the tasks/obligations/responsibilities that I am faced with within my work, and to see them through to a place (and not an experience) where I can then begin to work on the next task.
I commit myself to take a breath and look at the entire situation, and the practical steps I can take within the situation, instead of overwhelming myself with all the small details and avoiding it.
I commit myself to take notes of the important details when I am at work, and to actually tend to all of them as best as possible, and if I do not get to them all, to leave a note for the next person, and if I forget something, I commit myself to tend to it as best as possible when I realize I had forgotten it, to not judge myself or create and generate anger, fear and anxiety because I had forgotten a detail somewhere.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into an imagined future within my tasks/cases, that each outcome is doomed and will not work out, or will turn out in the worst possible way due to the fear that I have missed a tiny detail along the way, instead of realizing that I will not accept or allow this to happen, and I know full well that I have the resources and a team to figure out even the most doomed scenarios, and to correct the situation if I did in fact miss a detail.”
When and as I see myself taking a step which I know could have potentially undesirable consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-responsibility by directing myself to take each step properly, doing what’s best, with awareness and care, and functional practicality.
(Within this self-corrective statement I realized the tendency to actually try/attempt to avoid seeing the task through due to the fear and overwhelming-ness created before having even begun the task, or while initially starting the task. This would lead to cutting corners and the self-dishonesties of having put work into something that is below the level or standard of what one is actually capable of. Interestingly, this would cause the work to be done poorly and thus likely to fail. It would cause missed details and an inability to control or direct the outcome of the project, which is the exact conditions that would trigger the OCD in the first place. Within this, it is seen once again, how the disorder, or the being within and AS the disorder, would perpetuate and feed itself).
I commit myself to see a task through to completion by looking at the reality of the task and what needs to be done, or how it needs to be done, and then to let go and move on, despite the internal experience of having forgotten something or missed something.
I commit myself to trusting myself that I will return to a task and tend to any details or parts I may have missed the first time around, without judging myself or believing I had failed.
When and as I see that I am beginning a task within the internal experience/belief/perception/idea using fantasies and imaginings that it has already failed or will inevitably fail. I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the fear and resistance of not following these thoughts, but instead stopping my participation within and as them by uttering ‘stop’, either within myself or out loud, and looking at the task with ‘fresh eyes’ within the understanding and realization that the outcome of the task is NOT yet determined, and it Is within my ability to direct the task through to see the task through to proper completion.
Within the above self-corrective statement I realize it is more comforting to see the tasks as having already failed, than it is to apply oneself to see it through to successful completion, because seeing the task through to failure is easier and more predictable or controllable, than a whole-hearted self-application to see it through successfully. What I have seen throughout my process thus far is that even when I apply myself fully, there is always the possibility of outside influences and elements that are beyond my control that can affect or hinder my work. Within OCD this induces fear and uncertainty, due to the OCD personality/entity wanting, needing and desiring absolute control/controlled environment and predictability. However, what must be realized and understood here is that we cannot function within complete isolation wherein we would then have complete control over an outcome. Within fully applying oneself within one’s work, one is taking responsibility for that work. That would imply taking responsibility for one’s own work, as well as taking the self-responsibility to direct oneself within the work of others, as well as whatever other input is affecting the work, whether it be the customer, coworkers, employer, boss, supervisor, or client (at a place of employment). It can be any elements within one’s environment (teacher or class-mates at school, audience, weather etc… depending on the task).
I commit myself to push through the discomfort of realizing I do not have complete control over my environment , but by applying myself fully despite the fact that outside elements will influence the outcome of the work I do, I determine 'Who I Am' within the work I do.
I commit myself to let go of the idealized perfection I am able to obtain in my mind where only I exist, and to instead work in a social world as a social creature where outcomes are the result of innumerable factors which I have a limited ability to direct. I realize that this limitation ends within my ability to direct myself with and as self-honesty within the work that I do and the way that I Live.
I commit myself to apply myself fully within the work that I do and the Way that I Live, and to direct every given situation to the Best of My Ability, within the understanding that the outcome can still be successful even if it does not match the play out I had imagined in my mind, and that real success is actually pushing myself to stand up within myself and within the Way I work and Live no Matter the outcomes of the situations I navigate at work.
I commit myself to Stand Up within the work I am able to do, and to do it to the best of my ability by taking Complete Self-Responsibility within my own work, within the realization that I am able to perfect my application, not my ability to predict the exact outcomes. Realizing also that over time, My Work Will Stand if I continue to apply myself fully and take self-responsibility within the work that I am able to complete and direct.
To be continued....
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