Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2)

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

"Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia."

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I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD.  It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

Day 193- Identifying the thoughts that cause OCD

Within my previous four blogs I have been looking at the obsessive-compulsive behavior that overcomes me when I am at work. This had been so at every job I have worked, and often ends up causing me to believe that the job is the problem, when in reality, the OCD is the source of the difficulty I experience within working/employment/my studies/etc…

The pattern I have been working on pulling apart and re-scripting has been the simple act of ‘seeing tasks through to proper completion’. Within this I have confronted being able to determine within myself,, and in terms of the actual physical work being performed, that which is a ‘job well-done’, that which is ‘overkill’ as a try or attempt to attain an unrealistic standard of unobtainable perfection (OCD behaviour), and that which leads to a ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ before the task, obligation or responsibility is seen through (OCD behaviour).

Within this, I want to dig a little deeper into what causes the compulsion to A) obsess over every little detail of a task, obligation or responsibility, or B) to become overwhelmed and give-up on my ability to actually see the task through, either before even beginning, or before completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, while working on a specific project/task/obligation/responsibility, think about who will be judging me, my work, and the outcome of the work that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the face of the person that I think, believe or perceive will be judging my work, or the outcome at my work, and to visualize it with a discerning or disappointed facial expression whenever I take a moment to contemplate the work I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect anger, fear, anxiety and annoyance to the image of the discerning or disappointed facial expression of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my judgment of the work that I do entirely upon the reaction of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider Who I Am within the work that I do, but instead I have only considered the final judgment of others regarding the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to define and determine Who I Am within the work that I do, because I had only ever concerned myself, worried about, and become paranoid about how my work will be perceived by those in the position of judging my work, signing my paycheck, or grading my assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid about how my work will be judged or perceived in the end because of a fear of the unknown; because I do not know what is going on inside the mind of whomever I believe I need to impress, gain approval from, be validated by or meet the standards of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so critical of my own work, in a try and an attempt to cover every possible detail that might be scrutinized by whoever’s opinion I believe counts when it comes to determining the quality of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive myself to paranoia by haunting my mind with the possible comments, criticisms, objections or disapproving statements that may be directed towards my work, or the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within my work, by constantly and continuously thinking up more and more ways that my work can be criticized, objected, have apparent mistakes pointed out, or become scrutinized and taken apart, when in physical reality, there is only so much I am able to physically do, because I only have so much time to dedicate to each task before the work day is over/the assignment is due/the deadline arrives.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is not enough time in the day to obsess over each detail of a task/obligation/responsibility in a way that would satisfy me, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my emotional reaction of dissatisfaction towards my work to be the truth, and to be who and how I am, and to be an accurate measure of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as never having enough time because I can always twist my work in my mind in order to find a possible mistake or flaw, thus creating and manifesting the experience of ‘never being done’, or ‘never completing’ the task, obligation or responsibility, because I constantly and continuously cycle the thought, idea or belief that it may be pointed out that I had missed a point, left a flaw, made a mistake, or done something improperly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat and cycle the thought of having my work criticized, scrutinized, picked apart, and judged negatively, thus accumulating fear, anger, anxiety and annoyed energy experiences within myself until there is a constant pressure which I seek to appease and release through the obsessive behavior of picking apart my own work and scrutinizing it, judging it negatively and criticizing, by going over it again and again, and doing it over, until the point where I had repeated this pattern to automation and the behavior had become compulsive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overreact, to become offended and hurt, to feel self-conscious and embarrassed, to feel like I am ‘not good enough’ or a failure, when and as someone points out something in my work that can be improved, wherein instead of taking it as a constructive criticism, I would instead take it as a confirmation of the paranoid thoughts I had been repeating and cycling that my work can never be good enough because it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage the work that I do by criticizing it, picking it apart, judging it negatively and scrutinizing it in an attempt to find the flaws and make it presentable, not for an actual person, but for the idea I hold of the person or people I feel will be judging my work, realizing also that the idea I hold of the person in my mind is based in the fear of the unknown and all that the person might judge in my work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the ‘person’ I am creating an image of and projecting on to is Me; It is my self-criticism, my over-scrutinizing, it is only ever me picking apart my own work and finding every possible flaw, and it is myself that is judging my work negatively, and holding it to an impossible standard. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my own self-criticism, self-scrutiny, self-judgment and the self-diminishment within this, by thinking, believing and perceiving that I have been doing this for someone else, or because of someone else.

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I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the people I fear will judge me may very well have the ability to determine what is practically achievable, what acceptable and effective work is, and which standards are obtainable. If they do not, and they themselves display unrealistic standards, then there is nothing I can do about that, except learn and practice and direct myself to stand up within my own work, as Who I Am within what I do, so that the outcome of the work is well done by all practical measures, wherein another’s unreasonable standards will not create a reaction within me, because I determine Who I am within my work.

To be continued....

Continued from:

Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point

Day 188- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point (pt 2)
Day 189- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your JobDay 190- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt. 2)

Day 191- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 3)

Day 192- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 4)

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --
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Day 186- OCD: Vicious Cycles to Practical Solutions 2

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I forgive myself for  not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  the strength I feel  that comes in cycles is not necessarily something I actually directed myself to, but rather simply the upside of a cycle within which I would have experienced the down  side of the ‘low’ just before, with the rise being mostly only an inevitability for one that has not given up completely, thus making the disorder at times bearable enough to not have to really face changing or stopping for real.  ( Day 184- OCD: The False Victories)

When and as I see myself going into a positive energetic self-relationship as a result of the polarity opposite of having experienced a down or low, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-stability by breathing through and letting go of the experience, and settling into my physical body by adjusting myself to ensure I am supporting myself physically. I breathe until the reaction is gone, and move myself from the point of no reaction, only myself moving based on sound decision.

 I commit myself to pull myself down out of highs as self-support to prevent the consequence of the inevitable low that is the polarity opposite of the high, a polarity within which I cannot participate with/as the experience of one without the other, thus creating and perpetuating a vicious cycle of OCD.

I commit myself to remain self-honest when and as I see that I am having experiences within my process with CD, so as not to fool myself that any progress is going to come on its own. Self-growth, self-stability, the building of resolve, the strengthening of self-will, self-discipline, self-mastery, and all and every quality I strive for, will only ever be developed as a result of my direct and focused participation. None of these things work themselves out or simply ‘occur’ as a matter of chance or mere intention. If I feel strength, I will know right away whether that strength is who I am as a living word because I will be aware of exactly how I became that. If there is uncertainty regarding how the experience came about, then I know it can’t be trusted and will always be questionable.

I commit myself to face changing and stopping for real.

This blog is continued from:
Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4

 Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD 

Day 185- Dermatillomania: Vicious Cycles to Practical Solutions 1

To script yourself back into alignment with and as Life, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and others. 

Day 185- Dermatillomania: Vicious Cycles to Practical Solutions 1

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself slack and loosen my grip on the reigns in my life when and as I am on the upside of the cycle of OCD."

When and as I see that I am on the upside of a cyclical pattern within OCD I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by stopping myself within the reactions I develop towards the upside of a cycle or pattern. Meaning, the positive energetic relationships I would develop through projecting thoughts/ideas/perceptions and beliefs such as ‘how it will be from now on’, and ’how much better I will feel when I stop’, ‘how great it will be’, and ‘I will soon be cured’- all of this within and as a blind hope that somehow I had figured it all out and am experiencing the fruits of my labour, when in fact when I look at it in self-honesty I see there is still very little understanding on my part, and very little actual practical steps toward change.  This thus then indicating I am still resisting taking self-responsibility within and as this disorder, and would still rather prefer some form of miracle or outside force to ‘fix’ and ‘change me’ and do the work for me, however I know very well that this is not something I can depend on and thus, not worth spending any time waiting for. I know very well I’d only ever be waiting for myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself within and as this disorder, by writing it out, creating practical steps, and pushing myself to live and apply the words and the scripts I write for myself.

I commit myself to stop feeding and perpetuating the relationships I have developed to and towards the upside of a vicious cycle, by stopping my reaction to/towards them, and instead reminding myself that I am taking self-responsibility for who I am within and as this disorder, thus I will not base myself on the false hope of something or some force outside of myself coming to cure me by some form of miracle.

I commit myself to stop developing positive relationship to/towards the upside of an OCD cycle because  I realize this causes me to fear to lose the positive feeling energy and thus prevents me from actually wanting to change for real.

I commit myself to change for real, by stopping the energetic relationships before they manifest into and as actions that collectively create this disorder.

This blog is continued from:
Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4

 Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD

 Day 184- OCD: The False Victories

To script yourself back into alignment with and as Life, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and others.