Day 255 - A Balancing Session with Leila

It had been over a month since I had been experiencing increasing pressure, anxiety, irritation and agitation in my body. I felt fearful in mundane moments, and my mind was racing most of the time. 

By the time I got on to Leila’s table I felt like I was ready to explode and that I just couldn’t take it anymore, nothing I had been doing was working to resolve my physical and emotional state of feeling overwhelmed, just barely keeping it together.

I lay on the table as Leila began testing, and as I lay there all I could do was focus on my breathing to calm myself. As Leila began working with my physical body and also discussing the important points with me, I could feel my body begin to let go and relax.

What opened up was words that I had not been effectively living, people in my life that were standing as examples for what to do and what not to do, as well as an unconditional gift from myself to myself, where I offered myself access through a reminder to myself of a time in my life where I was at peace, full of passion and wonderment.

My balancing session did not end there however, as I went to sleep right afterwards and had the most incredible post-balance dream of hatching a turtle from an egg. Leila suggested I look into the dream symbology, and when I did, I received another answer from using the symbology of the turtle: Slowing down and walking a detailed process properly, instead of rushing through it, became the solution as the way in which I could walk my correction, from rushing and pressuring myself, to slowing down and reconnecting with myself and my environment. I was able to re-access, re-create and re-define that peace, passion and wonderment in my life in ways that suite me now, with where I am at currently in my life process.

Even though the session was weeks ago, the effects of it are still with me as I have been continuing to apply what I learned. My self-experience has changed drastically; my mind is quieter, and I focus more on myself and what is right in front of me. Additionally, and as a result of this, I have become more productive and more creative, taking up projects I had given up on not so long ago due to how I had been feeling then compared to how I am doing now.

Now I am doing great! I feel as though I have surmounted a giant hurdle that had been keeping me stuck, cycling over and over in the same point. I am so incredibly grateful to Leila and what she is able to do, the support I have received from her is invaluable, not forgetting of course, it takes SELF to apply the correction!

You can check out the EQAFE recording that opens up the point of giving ourselves unconditional gifts here:

Not Accepting the Deserved Gifts of Self

Description:

"When a gift from life arrives for you, would you be ready to accept it?
Sometimes we may see and realize something about ourselves, but will still hesitate to embrace it, or get stuck in feelings of unworthiness. In this interview, we discover how we can get in the way of our own growth, and what we can do to begin embracing instead of rejecting those moments of realization that invite us to become something we lost touch with, or something we’ve never been before."

To listen to the EQAFE recordings that supported me, check out:

The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 1

"How do Turtles see human beings when accessing their awareness on a multi-dimensional level in this physical reality?
How does the Turtle focus on the application of ‘slowing down into your being’ to be able to ‘recognise and direct’ your Mind?
What is the difference between moving into a ‘slowing down into your being’ and moving in your Mind?
How can you practise slowing down and what difference will it make in your process of understanding your Mind?"

The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 2

"Why is there a ‘time difference’ in the ‘pace’ with which your Mind / Consciousness moves and the pace with which your beingness and body move?
How can you exist in two different time zones in one body?
How does the difference of this pace affect your living experience in your body and in this world?
Why is it important to align your awareness / beingness with the pace of your being-body relationship?


The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 3

"What challenge does the turtle present to you within the statement “moving slower, yet within that moving faster”?
How will understanding and applying this challenge in everyday life support you to be able to direct your daily thoughts, emotions and feelings more effectively?
Why will it take practice and discipline to move within the space and pace of your physical body rather than the rush of consciousness energy?"

Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2)

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

"Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia."

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=paranoia+desteni&FORM=HDRSC2#view=detail&id=EB5B43E4703AD3E2B46C5350D5AC4CE9F8021CF

I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD.  It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

Day 46- Wasting Time Cause Life is Hard

          It’s interesting to see the difference in my life pre and post Desteni. Before, it was repeating cycles, entertainment and sort of idleness, whereas now it is more a building, self-expansive doing and being. Before, I used to think living is what happened after I got home from work, in my spare time or time off, in which I would usually find ways to entertain myself and pass the time until I had to work again. Now I realize Life happens in every moment, no matter what one is doing. But what I find is that, I still hang on to this idea that “Life happens when work is done,” wherein, I end up waiting to be done things that I consider to be ‘work,’ which can be anything that requires me to apply myself, focus on, direct myself through or concentrate on. I find I’ve been catching myself wasting time in these moments of unawareness, where I have justified it somewhere at some time in my mind as a little ‘break,’ and that this moment is ‘for me.’ It’s totally acceptable and necessary to take breaks and take time for myself throughout the day. What I want to adjust is the proportion of that time, I want it to be directive wherein I make the directive decision to take a break or give myself some time, based on the practical situation, and not because I’m doing something to occupy myself when I should be doing something responsible- because then it’s like taking a break from life, which implies I have defined life as work, instead of defining Life as Life, work as Life, and time for myself as Life. It is all Life when self is Life, thus I see the main point as defining myself as Life and then actually living that definition of Life where Life is who I am as the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘waste time,’ in the sense that I have passed time in complete unawareness and entertainment within the justification that I am ‘having a break’ or ‘taking time for myself,’ when I am really avoiding facing/moving me in the moment and up in the mind running through a million random useless thoughts/picture/ideas/perceptions/beliefs/backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Life as ‘that which happens after work,’ instead of realizing that Life is every moment no matter what one is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as not life (work being any time I apply myself, focus on, direct myself through or concentrate on something), instead of realizing that  work is a necessary part of Life, it must take place within one’s Life, and thus as one walks the process to birthing life, one’s work will at the same time become Life as one with self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Life as ‘work’, instead of realizing that Life is as simple as breathing, and anything that makes it seem harder is of the mind, unless of course, one is starving or forced to slave labour etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, based on my definition of Life as ‘work,’ tried to escape Life, similar to ‘getting out of work,’ or ‘avoiding hard work,’ wherein I steal little breaks for myself, which is really myself as my mind stealing me from myself, instead of facing me, taking myself back and actually Living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify stealing ‘little breaks’ for myself as my mind, within the definition of ‘Life as work,’ wherein I manipulate myself to think/believe/perceive that I am doing it ‘for myself,’ instead of realizing that I am taking time from myself, and wasting it, thus wasting myself and missing Life and missing myself within self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time, avoid me, and dilly-dally within unawareness and indulgence of the mind instead of walking my process toward realizing myself.

To be continued…