"Your Flowers Will Come" - The story of a flower

The process that was highlighted was that of the stem of this flower - how it is more gnarly, bent, with stumps and bumps - not a smooth and flawless stem like some flowers have.

As it grows, the flower knows it is a flower, and that eventually it will blossom into the more colorful and expressive part of itself, but this knowing can be used as a double-edged sword:

On the one hand, there is the trust and comfort of knowing that one day it will be a flower, it's full potential of what it is able to be and express, because it can see and feel itself within itself.

But instead of being patient and gentle with itself in this act of self-creation - each time there would be a movement - it would go into an expectation of flowering before it was time - wanting to already 'be there' and 'be that' - but because of this focus on an expectation and then reality not matching that, there would instead be a self-judgment of not standing, not 'being there yet' - and it would become an attack on itself.

So instead of the movement being fully supportive and 'smooth', it would turn into somewhat of a trauma, a disappointment, a let-down, as if it had been let down by life, by itself and what 'should be' here.

In not realizing the necessity of the movements, with their pain and where they are sometimes seemingly incomprehensible, a stump would form where it would have been a leaf if it were to have been accepted and walked as a support, growth, strengthening and empowerment - where it would have become a support as a leaf as a solar panel to feed the eventual flower, which was not yet Here and so could not be seen, but only trusted.

There is an addictive nature to the negative, the pain, the disappointment and the self-punishment. So sometimes a 'smooth' process is walked and a leaf properly formed that would act as that support for the eventual flower, but sometimes the flower would fall back into the pattern, and create another stump, like a scar or damage.

When it blossomed and looked back at the process it walked and saw what it had been doing, what the support actually was in the movements, how it 'could have' been different, it was able to forgive itself completely, let go of the 'negative' values it had placed on the movements that became stumps, bumps and knots, and accepted itself exactly how it was.

The gnarly stem, it's life path, despite the trauma and the scars, did not stop or prevent the blossoming of the flower when it came time to blossom because of the forgiveness it was able to gift itself.

So, in the end the flower stands, in full knowing that it could have been different, but also in complete acceptance of the process it walked - because it is done, it cannot be changed. The one thing it was able to stand by was knowing Who/What It Was.

For us, as humans - some of us have a more traumatic life path, either imposed upon us, self-created, or a bit of both. So long as we do not forget our potential, our stand and our knowing of Who We Are in this Life, our flowers will come. So long as we are able to derive the support from the pain, the trauma and the movements in our lives, instead of being overcome and lost in them, our flowers will come.

Our Life Paths may leave us with scars, our traumas and the environments we are born into with the people, the genetics, the available resources, may limit the potential of what 'could have been', but there is always our potential of Who We Are within this environment we are born into.

One thing we can change through this reflection of the flower is to take that stand sooner rather than having to repeat the pain and 'life lessons' over and over. Instead of putting time, expectation and energy into the traumas, to rather learn from them and divert the growth into our potential, or as support for our eventual blossoming - actually changing Who We Are within and how we process life events, will determine our potential and what we are able to become.

Find your potential, see your potential, and never forget your potential. Stick to that path in trust and know: Your flowers will come.

Day 257 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life

What does it mean to ‘chase life’ rather than to ‘live life’?

For me it involved goals: academic goals, relationship goals, location goals, career goals, family goals and so on.

I would create a goal for myself and then figure out a path to get there, and I would walk that path, adjusting along the way. For me, at the time, this was sufficient and the 'right' way to 'fully live life', because I was accomplishing the things I set out to do.

The ‘chasing’ comes in when I would project the goal into the future, and then project ‘who I would be’ when I got there, thinking and believing that my self-experience would change once I accomplished the goal.

The thing is, when I would complete the goal, I would still inevitably be the same person. I would have the same insecurities, the same uncertainties, and I also noticed that new insecurities and uncertainties would open up once the goal was reached, as the habit and pattern of participation into such things in my mind still existed.

It is humbling to look back over the past decade and realize that throughout all my accomplishments, all the effort and hard work, I was missing one huge, important main ingredient: SELF HERE.

I never focused on sinking into my own skin, integrating into my environment, and establishing a foundation of self wherever I was, because I was always moving, changing directions, living places temporarily, keeping only one foot in the present moment and another foot in the future projection: constantly chasing ideas as future goals. 

The consequence of this is that there is little to no SELF (who I am, as I am RIGHT NOW) in the goals, there is only a projected version of ‘who I will become then’, only once I get there, as if the walking of the path and the attaining of the goal was the most important defining action that would shape and create me.

My first reaction to this realization was that I had been doing it all wrong and now I am back at square one, but these actions or elements of the process of self-creation are essential ingredients, and all is not lost. Along the way, I self-introspected, gained self-understanding and awareness, developed skills and qualities that I now have and cannot be taken away. I also gained work experience, degrees, certifications and money, which can serve me now and in the future.

What I was missing was a solid foundation of ‘self here’. Self Here meaning, the understanding and realization that I can be fully whole, fulfilled and present in the Here/Now moment, that I belong here, wherever I am, simply because it is where I have placed myself in awareness. I created a path, and I am walking it – I don’t have to wait to attain something or accomplish anything in order to develop these things, I have everything I need to build my SELF right here and right now, wherein everything that I am not satisfied with or that I want to develop can only happen right here, right now in the present moment wherever I am. And it is not only possible, but rather absolutely essential that I do so, otherwise I will never become the potential I see, because I had placed it in the future, in a job, in a location, at a certain salary and with a certain life.

To be continued in my next blog….

Day 255 - A Balancing Session with Leila

It had been over a month since I had been experiencing increasing pressure, anxiety, irritation and agitation in my body. I felt fearful in mundane moments, and my mind was racing most of the time. 

By the time I got on to Leila’s table I felt like I was ready to explode and that I just couldn’t take it anymore, nothing I had been doing was working to resolve my physical and emotional state of feeling overwhelmed, just barely keeping it together.

I lay on the table as Leila began testing, and as I lay there all I could do was focus on my breathing to calm myself. As Leila began working with my physical body and also discussing the important points with me, I could feel my body begin to let go and relax.

What opened up was words that I had not been effectively living, people in my life that were standing as examples for what to do and what not to do, as well as an unconditional gift from myself to myself, where I offered myself access through a reminder to myself of a time in my life where I was at peace, full of passion and wonderment.

My balancing session did not end there however, as I went to sleep right afterwards and had the most incredible post-balance dream of hatching a turtle from an egg. Leila suggested I look into the dream symbology, and when I did, I received another answer from using the symbology of the turtle: Slowing down and walking a detailed process properly, instead of rushing through it, became the solution as the way in which I could walk my correction, from rushing and pressuring myself, to slowing down and reconnecting with myself and my environment. I was able to re-access, re-create and re-define that peace, passion and wonderment in my life in ways that suite me now, with where I am at currently in my life process.

Even though the session was weeks ago, the effects of it are still with me as I have been continuing to apply what I learned. My self-experience has changed drastically; my mind is quieter, and I focus more on myself and what is right in front of me. Additionally, and as a result of this, I have become more productive and more creative, taking up projects I had given up on not so long ago due to how I had been feeling then compared to how I am doing now.

Now I am doing great! I feel as though I have surmounted a giant hurdle that had been keeping me stuck, cycling over and over in the same point. I am so incredibly grateful to Leila and what she is able to do, the support I have received from her is invaluable, not forgetting of course, it takes SELF to apply the correction!

You can check out the EQAFE recording that opens up the point of giving ourselves unconditional gifts here:

Not Accepting the Deserved Gifts of Self

Description:

"When a gift from life arrives for you, would you be ready to accept it?
Sometimes we may see and realize something about ourselves, but will still hesitate to embrace it, or get stuck in feelings of unworthiness. In this interview, we discover how we can get in the way of our own growth, and what we can do to begin embracing instead of rejecting those moments of realization that invite us to become something we lost touch with, or something we’ve never been before."

To listen to the EQAFE recordings that supported me, check out:

The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 1

"How do Turtles see human beings when accessing their awareness on a multi-dimensional level in this physical reality?
How does the Turtle focus on the application of ‘slowing down into your being’ to be able to ‘recognise and direct’ your Mind?
What is the difference between moving into a ‘slowing down into your being’ and moving in your Mind?
How can you practise slowing down and what difference will it make in your process of understanding your Mind?"

The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 2

"Why is there a ‘time difference’ in the ‘pace’ with which your Mind / Consciousness moves and the pace with which your beingness and body move?
How can you exist in two different time zones in one body?
How does the difference of this pace affect your living experience in your body and in this world?
Why is it important to align your awareness / beingness with the pace of your being-body relationship?


The Consciousness of the Turtle - Part 3

"What challenge does the turtle present to you within the statement “moving slower, yet within that moving faster”?
How will understanding and applying this challenge in everyday life support you to be able to direct your daily thoughts, emotions and feelings more effectively?
Why will it take practice and discipline to move within the space and pace of your physical body rather than the rush of consciousness energy?"

21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day12 of 21: TURNING IN

I was JUST discussing with @worldclassplayer about pulling the same Osho card as on a previous day. I contemplated doing a re-pull, but we both settled on looking deeper into the meaning of the card, as maybe something was missed, or a new dimension has opened up.

The intention I was holding within me when pulling this card was yet another dimension of 'work', or 'working'. The new dimension that came up yesterday while I was working and reflectin upon my last blog, was the 'people pleaser' character. It was causing stress and tension, which manifested in the form of upper back pain.I will expand upon this point, but first, a little background: The reason the 'work' point has been stubbornly coming up day after day for me is because I am essentially 'working' all the time. Meaning, I am living, applying myself, focusing on my goals for the day and the future. Even when I relax it is work, because it is done in awareness as self-work.

Within this, my definition of 'work' is not the usual one we have all come to know so well, which exists within the polarity of work and play, where work is the opposite of play. I am pushing for living my re-definition of the word 'work', and the Osho cards have been supporting me immensely. My re-definition of the word 'work' involves a fluidity and a flow, a balance and an ease within me, within the understanding that work is love made visible. The letters in the word work then stand for Wholly Operating Reality Knowledge, where I am fully present, wholly operating within physical reality with a knowing, or a knowledge and awareness of the points my mind is super-imposing on to that reality.

Yesterday, while working in the kitchen for many hours, I noticed the points that were coming up and affecting me physically. When I looked at the thoughts that were creating the tension, I was able to deduce that I was going in to the desire for my work to please others. Instead of simply walking and enjoying the steps in a relaxed and easy manner, I began to go into judgments and criticisms about what I was busy with. I imagined all the 'what-ifs' and different disapproving reactions from the people I would be serving.

Several hours in, @gian walked in and checked in on me. I told him about the pain and the tension and he released it from my back. Within discussing with him, I was able to bring in more awareness to what I had been doing so automatically. He explained to me about 're-setting', giving myself a fresh moment to simply stop, let it go, and start the moment anew from a fresh starting point. This implies simply letting it go, which is what this card can support with.

My mind was busy while I was working, and I did not question it's activity, but instead went right into it, believing it to be real, to be true, to be who I am. I was reacting as if the thoughts in my mind would unquestionably come to pass, instead of simply observing my mind objectively, letting the thoughts go, being amused at the ridiculousness of such thoughts. This is what I understand from the 'Turning In' card.

This is a multi-faceted point for me, which I have been living my whole life. It has proven to be a stubborn one that is deeply programmed into my living, but I am up for the challenge. Writing is invaluable, in that, without the understanding and the road map of what not to do, how to navigate what my mind throws as me, and what to do about it, I would certainly become lost in the tangled mess it appears to be when we don't take it piece by piece and sort it out.

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Continuing with THE DREAM - Osho Card Reading: Day 10 of 21

Continuing from my last blog... THE DREAM

Osho Card:

Looking at the point:

"What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction."

I held this understanding with me today while I worked, and I observed myself as I went through this point. What I realized was that the pressing issue is when I don't completely understand where I'm heading, the goal is not clear, and the steps are not clear.

What I found was that, when I identified the issue, I was able to focus and hone my attention on the problem, instead of feeling 'all over the place' and directionless, which, when left undirected, leads to overwhelm and an underlying helplessness. When I could focus and hone my attention, things became more clear. I still did not see the final outcome, but I identified the right questions to ask, and I set out to ask them.

Another obstacle I could identify was that initial push it takes to get started on a task that I know will be long, in my case research. With research, you don't really know what you are looking for till you find it, and even then, it can be like finding puzzle pieces scattered about, and not having a map for how they fit together. I realize I have to become comfortable with this 'unknowing'.

Lastly, I had to address the question of time. I had given myself certain deadlines, and with them I felt the pressure, which was causing me to feel a bit of a squeeze as I was still trying to identify the obstacles I was facing. The feeling was that I didn't have TIME for obstacles, that I needed to KNOW RIGHT NOW what to do, and for this reason, I didn't want to invest the time into myself basically, to find out what was going on with me and how to walk through it.

So, what I did was drop the idea of a deadline. This seems counter-intuitive, but the thing is that holding this deadline above myself was actually causing me to move more slowly. When I dropped it, I felt lighter, and even more ready to get to work.

So, these are my findings today as I walk my quest to improve myself, change myself from limiting patterns and habits I have been living out up till now. No matter how big or small, they need to be addressed in terms of being identified, corrected and then lived out in real time.

Thanks for reading!

Day 200 - The Valentine's Day Revelation

Valentine’s Day

Why do we desire Valentine’s day to be a special and romantic day? Why is it expected of the man to bring gifts to the woman in order to make her feel special or loved?  In today’s world it seems it is simply expected for something special to happen on this day. But is it possible to look into this desire for an emotional experience on this day, and trace it back to a source, where it started, why it started, and how advertisers play on this desire in order to catch us in a wave of purchasing in order to satisfy an emotional or feeling need we don’t necessarily understand?

When I look back at some of my earliest memories of Valentine’s day, there is one in particular that stands out, and when I play back the memory in my mind, and I re-experience how it made me feel, I can see there it is distinctly connected to the need or desire to be made to feel special on Valentine’s day, and still yearning for this experience nearly 25 years later.

I was about 9 years old and I was in class on Valentine’s Day. I noticed some students were receiving many fancy cards and there was laughter and commotion all around them. I had been sitting alone, with few cards and no activity around me. It suddenly felt as though I was part of a movie set where the spotlight was shining on the other students and I was not even in the scene. I felt invisible, forgettable, ignored.

Had it not been for this play-out, I would have been fine, and it would have been another normal day. But instead, I had reacted, and I had made a judgment about myself, one which was reinforced many times over many Valentine’s Days and similar events, and one which was unnecessary. This judgment would limit and diminish me in so many little, seemingly insignificant ways  as I became a teenager and then a young woman, as if my relationship with myself had been somehow poisoned and made slightly toxic.

The proof that the judgment remained lies in the fact that when I finally had someone to spend Valentine’s Day with, I now desired to be in the spotlight, to get the attention and to be made to feel special. I needed to prove to myself that my judgment was wrong: that I was not in fact invisible, forgettable and ignored. But I was using others and outside influences to now make me feel right again within myself.

So what’s the moral of this story? It’s the importance of learning how to take self-responsivity for one’s own reactions and to direct them as they happen, instead of accepting and allowing moments of reaction to define oneself as more or less than one really is. Self-acceptance means accepting myself as I am, Complete and unconditional self-acceptance allows for the greatest self-expansion. The indicators of where in your life you are holding onto an unresolved moment are the seemingly unexplainable secret wishes and desires for people in your world, events and play-outs, to make you feel something inside of you that is different than how you currently feel.

It’s considered normal and even expected for couples to make Valentine’s Day special for each other. Why not let this day be an expression of gratefulness for each other, where there is no manipulation of feelings and emotions to fill past voids or the desire for proof – these are the types of seemingly innocent and normal things that poison the relationship between two people, because it is impossible to fulfill this in another person.

How we feel within ourselves is our responsibility, and with that responsibility comes great power- the power to change yourself and become something more than you ever could have imagined. Don’t let the consumer machine capitalize on our vulnerability. Empower yourself and be your own self-fulfillment. Check out this free online course, where you’ll learn how to take responsibility in moments of reaction, to let go of self-judgment, and walk in the moment with presence and awareness, instead of living in the limiting grips of the past. It’s free, there is no charge, it’s about empowering people, no strings. I learned the material and still apply it every day, it’s worth investing your time in, click HERE to find out for yourself!