Day 257 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life

What does it mean to ‘chase life’ rather than to ‘live life’?

For me it involved goals: academic goals, relationship goals, location goals, career goals, family goals and so on.

I would create a goal for myself and then figure out a path to get there, and I would walk that path, adjusting along the way. For me, at the time, this was sufficient and the 'right' way to 'fully live life', because I was accomplishing the things I set out to do.

The ‘chasing’ comes in when I would project the goal into the future, and then project ‘who I would be’ when I got there, thinking and believing that my self-experience would change once I accomplished the goal.

The thing is, when I would complete the goal, I would still inevitably be the same person. I would have the same insecurities, the same uncertainties, and I also noticed that new insecurities and uncertainties would open up once the goal was reached, as the habit and pattern of participation into such things in my mind still existed.

It is humbling to look back over the past decade and realize that throughout all my accomplishments, all the effort and hard work, I was missing one huge, important main ingredient: SELF HERE.

I never focused on sinking into my own skin, integrating into my environment, and establishing a foundation of self wherever I was, because I was always moving, changing directions, living places temporarily, keeping only one foot in the present moment and another foot in the future projection: constantly chasing ideas as future goals. 

The consequence of this is that there is little to no SELF (who I am, as I am RIGHT NOW) in the goals, there is only a projected version of ‘who I will become then’, only once I get there, as if the walking of the path and the attaining of the goal was the most important defining action that would shape and create me.

My first reaction to this realization was that I had been doing it all wrong and now I am back at square one, but these actions or elements of the process of self-creation are essential ingredients, and all is not lost. Along the way, I self-introspected, gained self-understanding and awareness, developed skills and qualities that I now have and cannot be taken away. I also gained work experience, degrees, certifications and money, which can serve me now and in the future.

What I was missing was a solid foundation of ‘self here’. Self Here meaning, the understanding and realization that I can be fully whole, fulfilled and present in the Here/Now moment, that I belong here, wherever I am, simply because it is where I have placed myself in awareness. I created a path, and I am walking it – I don’t have to wait to attain something or accomplish anything in order to develop these things, I have everything I need to build my SELF right here and right now, wherein everything that I am not satisfied with or that I want to develop can only happen right here, right now in the present moment wherever I am. And it is not only possible, but rather absolutely essential that I do so, otherwise I will never become the potential I see, because I had placed it in the future, in a job, in a location, at a certain salary and with a certain life.

To be continued in my next blog….

Creating a Meaningful Connection with SELF

I used to think that I needed to feel a connection with everybody in my life and world. I would seek for this connection with others, and try to create it, mostly through oversharing myself, or brining conversations to way deep levels before the relationship had really developed to a point where that is appropriate.

There was usually a slight desperation within me, a longing and a constant sense of dissatisfaction when I would try to create this experience of connection, or connecting with someone. I realized over time that if I keep repeating the same method, I will never actually develop the kind of connection with others that I so desire.

I learned this over time, and I began to pull back and slow down when I would meet new people, slowly walking the steps of relationship creation. I learned about ‘small talk’ and its role in the ‘getting to know’ process. I learned how to share myself step by step, in appropriate moments. I learned how to get to know others and develop a foundation first, before delving into the deeper issues of life and living. This was great and working really well.

However, I must also look at what this ‘longing for a connection’ with others is indicating to me about myself. I know about the principles of that which you desire from others are the things you are not giving yourself.  In this situation, my longing for deep and meaningful connections with others is indicating that I do not have a deep and meaningful connection to myself. Why and how is that? For me, I can see that over the years, beginning at about 8-9 till my late twenties/early thirties, and even sometimes to this day, I have lived out a pattern of relegating myself to a ‘back seat’ position in my life and living, where I would seek to ‘connect’ with others by becoming what I thought they wanted. 

If I became that shoulder to lean on, that perfect friend, the one that people are comfortable with, then people would open up and invite me in. But interestingly, when I would be invited in and really see the truth of a person and see what they’re dealing with and facing, I would sometimes become uncomfortable, feeling as though I was in over my head.

In doing this ‘becoming what another would want of me’, I would end up studying them, their preferences, their personality, likes and dislikes, and then ‘absorb’ or integrate the personality and qualities I perceived would be best into and as myself. This is hard for me to admit, but I will take the gift with the pill that is tough to swallow. The gift here is that I already know the process of how to develop that self-connection, I had just misaligned it by placing the other in the pilot seat, allowing their personality and character to navigate my path of self-development. All there is left to do now is to swap drivers seats and place myself as the pilot, not the auto-pilot, but the pilot that navigates in awareness who I would like to be, become and develop into.

Now, this is not something I can sit down and map out all in one go. It is a day-by-day ‘getting to know’ that can only be walked in space and time. My starting point will be simple, ‘easy’ daily activities and routines, the ‘small talk’. This can be: what and when I like to eat, what I wear, how I present myself, what I like to do throughout the day in terms of structure and routine, how I go about getting to work, how I set up and manage my personal space, and so much more.

Then, I can look at the bigger, more existential aspect of myself, such as what is my self-created meaning and purpose in this life, what path would I like to walk, what are my struggles along the way, what type of qualities and characteristic do I enjoy in others in my world? And again, so much more. I will take note throughout the days and weeks to come, in order to really get to know me, myself and I, so that when I begin to create a connection to another, I can do so from a starting point of standing one and equal to them, and not from a place of desiring them to fill a hole or void within me that I had not taken the time or put in the effort and dedication to create for myself, nor trying to fill any void for them. Instead, I stand as a pillar – a pillar of support/self-support that stands alone. 

 Sometimes I will need support in my creation of myself as this pillar, and sometimes I will for a moment, act as support for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to form a connection to others in a try and attempt to fill a void in myself where a connection to self can stand as self-fulfillment, wherein the connection I develop with others will come from a starting point of equality and oneness instead of inferiority/superiority and dependence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never get to know myself, never fully connect to myself on deep and intimate levels, leaving me feeling unfulfilled and then seeking to fulfill myself within and through connecting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the possibility to connect to myself, but instead I immediately relegated myself to the back and placed connecting with others in the forefront of my intentions, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that I need to depend on others for connection, and that I am unable to create a fulfilling connection to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less important and inferior, wherein I would think/believe/perceive that there is nothing there worth connecting to/there will be no fulfilling connection possible with myself because I have placed value and worth onto others instead of realizing it within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot create a fulfilling relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself, believing that I am not enough, less substantial and hollow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually manifest myself as not enough, less substantial and hollow because I did not put the time, effort, dedication nor take the self-responsibility to create myself as that which I would like to be.

I commit myself to learn how to create and walk a process of getting to know myself.

I commit myself to developing a deep and meaningful connection to myself.

I commit myself to creating myself within and through a process of getting to know and connecting to myself.

When and as I see I am trying to become something for another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-connection by looking at what it is I am trying to become, and turning it around to become that for myself.

When and as I feel that I am not enough, not substantial and hollow, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth and equality by reminding myself that I now have the opportunity and self-responsibility to create myself as someone worthy, substantial and equal to everyone Here.

To learn about the existential nature of the human mind and how to make it practical, visit www.desteni.org 

Do I Look Satisfied? Redefining and Living the Word 'Satisfaction'

 I had a lot of resistance toward writing this blog, so I must be on to something! The word ‘satisfaction’ came up for me in a balancing session with a friend of mine who is practicing for Life Alignment certification. This practice uses muscle communication to bring to one’s awareness information that they are carrying but on some level are not looking at or aware of.

A process I am walking is that of redefining and living words. There is much research coming out recently about the effect the words we speak has on a DNA level, and our ability to reprogram our DNA through sound and the internal environment we create for ourselves. I am not a professional, but I have been practicing working with words for some time now, and have noticed the effect in Who I Am in situations, and the change I am able to bring through when I look at the words I am using and how I am using them. 

In redefining and living words, you take using words to the next level, by looking at how you have subconsciously defined that word over your lifetime, and thus how you are living it out on a day-to-day basis. In the case of this blog, I am looking at the word ‘satisfaction’, so you can see ow this process works by continuing reading here.

Due to the resistance I have felt towards writing this blog, I put it aside for a few weeks as I observed myself and Who I Am within the word ‘satisfaction’. It took time as I let events play out and did ‘self-checks’ in moments to see how I process the outcomes of the events and how I handled the situations as they unfolded. This is what I have learned:

How I have defined and lived the word ‘satisfaction’ throughout my life has been mostly dependent of a feeling: that of feeling ‘satisfied’. What I noticed when I brought this word into my awareness and really looked at it is that I live my life feeling chronically UNsatisfied! Without even consciously being aware of it, I saw that I carry around a feeling over never having done enough, done well enough, or have fallen short in some way that prevents me from feeling satisfied about a completed task, or even the way I am moving forward within a task.

This lack of satisfaction actually plays out in my life where I try to push myself to do too much, to the point of burn out, or I do too little in FEAR OF burning myself out, (leading to more dissatisfaction), because deep down, I KNOW I will never be satisfied! In relationships, this builds up over time causing subtle resentment, frustration and insecurity, seeing the worst in myself and having my faults, mistakes, blunders and weaknesses being, in moments, brought to the forefront of the relationship, causing unnecessary reactions within me that I then have to deal with. If I am not diligent, I can risk to project this onto others, so it is of utmost importance to always bring the point back to self.

This is all because I have based ‘satisfaction’ on a feeling, and not on actual, measurable physical reality, leaving me powerless to direct myself to a point of ‘satisfaction’ within myself, because I am instead at the mercy of the whim of my emotions as they sweep through me.

Not only that, but I also saw a relationship between ‘satisfaction’ and ‘spite’, where I would go into ‘spite’ and then feel ‘satisfied’ when someone else would suffer some consequence that I foresaw, or a consequence I myself have been through and felt satisfied that another was now in it; like a ‘see how that feels?’ – type  vindication. Nasty stuff, I must admit, but to admit it is the most beneficial thing I can do because within understanding there can be forgiveness, and within forgiveness comes change: till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow this behaviour within me.

To see further dimensions of the word ‘satisfaction’, I will place the dictionary’s definition here:

a : the payment through penance of the temporal punishment incurred by a sin

b : reparation for sin that meets the demands of divine justice

2 a : fulfillment of a need or want

b : the quality or state of being satisfied : contentment

c : a source or means of enjoyment : gratification

3 a : compensation for a loss or injury : atonement, restitution

b : the discharge of a legal obligation or claim

c : vindication

4        : convinced assurance or certainty

5        proved to the satisfaction of the court

Within the dictionary definition, I see that elements of justice, religion and a transactional model being brought in. For me, when it comes to human-relationships, I have to ask myself if I see it as best to bring in these elements, or if they are more harmful/destructive when it comes to the creation of a relationship according to one’s choosing.

What about unconditional giving, support, and seeing the best in the other? Must there be payment, reparation, compensation, obligation, vindication and convincing? For me, these words at this time have no place in my relationships.

The words that I see as beneficial, the ones I can therefore accept, allow and live in my actions are ‘fulfillment’, ‘being satisfied’, ‘contentment’, ‘enjoyment’, ‘gratification’ and even ‘proving’.

Now, this does not mean that these new words will automatically and magically become the basis for living ‘satisfaction’, nor does it mean that the other words will simply disappear. This is a process and a blue-print is necessary to be put into place so that it can be practiced in until it becomes the physically integrated living word.

In order to create the blue-print, I will sound the word ‘satisfaction’ to see if a solution exists within the sound.

When I speak the word I hear

Sat Is Fact I On

The solution I see is: the fact is what I sat on

Meaning: imagine completing a task and then sitting down afterwards with that feeling and experience of satisfaction. For me, with the solution I see in the sounding of the word, I can see that in that moment of completing a task, or even during the task, I can take a moment to reflect if I have worked only with the facts (and not the FEELINGS).

In order to extract the facts to work with, I must then define the task and the moment I am walking through. In each moment throughout the day, I can either drift through it with no real or clear direction, or I can define my moments within a structure and goals, giving myself parameters to satisfy.

For example, in this moment I endeavour to write a blog, in that moment my goal is to let go completely of all mental stimulation and simply be present to see what opens up, in another moment I may want to get a few obligations done in a certain time frame, knowing that once complete, I will give myself some time to rest and for self-care.

When I define my moments like this, I can then at any point look to see if I am satisfying the goals I set out for myself. If not, then I can look at why. In this way, instead of feeling ‘unsatisfied’, I can rather focus myself on directing my next moments based on the facts I derived from how I am moving thus far: in this, taking a step outside myself to, for a moment, sit on the facts, reflect, and move from there.

This applies to relationships as well, where I can take a step back at any point to see if there is an issue that needs to be discussed or communicated about, if there is time together for enjoyment required, if I must discipline myself in my time and communicate this to my partner, and always looking at making sure there is a balance between ‘work’ and ‘play’.

Again, looking at the facts instead of the feelings: is my work life and relationship life balanced If not, what must be done? Within my relationship, are there any unresolved issues? If so, what must be communicated? Here looking at taking a moment to step back and sit/observe how am I moving, I remind myself to sit only on the facts, and not move into any form of thinking, interpreting, judgment, expectation or resent, as these are not facts, these are feelings – and they are the feelings that lead to the final feeling of ‘unsatisfied’.

When I look back at the end of some process, event, accomplishment or even moment, I can assess how I walked through it and how I would like to process by looking at the facts I sat on, the decisions I made from there, and the way I moved forward. If I am not satisfied, I simply repeat the process: sit on the facts I objectively observe, and define my next moments with the appropriate correction.

Redefinition of ‘satisfaction’:

A state of having sat on the facts until a situation or event is resolved as best possible.

I will now applying this redefinition to my living application and follow up with an update of how it went.