Creating a Meaningful Connection with SELF

I used to think that I needed to feel a connection with everybody in my life and world. I would seek for this connection with others, and try to create it, mostly through oversharing myself, or brining conversations to way deep levels before the relationship had really developed to a point where that is appropriate.

There was usually a slight desperation within me, a longing and a constant sense of dissatisfaction when I would try to create this experience of connection, or connecting with someone. I realized over time that if I keep repeating the same method, I will never actually develop the kind of connection with others that I so desire.

I learned this over time, and I began to pull back and slow down when I would meet new people, slowly walking the steps of relationship creation. I learned about ‘small talk’ and its role in the ‘getting to know’ process. I learned how to share myself step by step, in appropriate moments. I learned how to get to know others and develop a foundation first, before delving into the deeper issues of life and living. This was great and working really well.

However, I must also look at what this ‘longing for a connection’ with others is indicating to me about myself. I know about the principles of that which you desire from others are the things you are not giving yourself.  In this situation, my longing for deep and meaningful connections with others is indicating that I do not have a deep and meaningful connection to myself. Why and how is that? For me, I can see that over the years, beginning at about 8-9 till my late twenties/early thirties, and even sometimes to this day, I have lived out a pattern of relegating myself to a ‘back seat’ position in my life and living, where I would seek to ‘connect’ with others by becoming what I thought they wanted. 

If I became that shoulder to lean on, that perfect friend, the one that people are comfortable with, then people would open up and invite me in. But interestingly, when I would be invited in and really see the truth of a person and see what they’re dealing with and facing, I would sometimes become uncomfortable, feeling as though I was in over my head.

In doing this ‘becoming what another would want of me’, I would end up studying them, their preferences, their personality, likes and dislikes, and then ‘absorb’ or integrate the personality and qualities I perceived would be best into and as myself. This is hard for me to admit, but I will take the gift with the pill that is tough to swallow. The gift here is that I already know the process of how to develop that self-connection, I had just misaligned it by placing the other in the pilot seat, allowing their personality and character to navigate my path of self-development. All there is left to do now is to swap drivers seats and place myself as the pilot, not the auto-pilot, but the pilot that navigates in awareness who I would like to be, become and develop into.

Now, this is not something I can sit down and map out all in one go. It is a day-by-day ‘getting to know’ that can only be walked in space and time. My starting point will be simple, ‘easy’ daily activities and routines, the ‘small talk’. This can be: what and when I like to eat, what I wear, how I present myself, what I like to do throughout the day in terms of structure and routine, how I go about getting to work, how I set up and manage my personal space, and so much more.

Then, I can look at the bigger, more existential aspect of myself, such as what is my self-created meaning and purpose in this life, what path would I like to walk, what are my struggles along the way, what type of qualities and characteristic do I enjoy in others in my world? And again, so much more. I will take note throughout the days and weeks to come, in order to really get to know me, myself and I, so that when I begin to create a connection to another, I can do so from a starting point of standing one and equal to them, and not from a place of desiring them to fill a hole or void within me that I had not taken the time or put in the effort and dedication to create for myself, nor trying to fill any void for them. Instead, I stand as a pillar – a pillar of support/self-support that stands alone. 

 Sometimes I will need support in my creation of myself as this pillar, and sometimes I will for a moment, act as support for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to form a connection to others in a try and attempt to fill a void in myself where a connection to self can stand as self-fulfillment, wherein the connection I develop with others will come from a starting point of equality and oneness instead of inferiority/superiority and dependence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never get to know myself, never fully connect to myself on deep and intimate levels, leaving me feeling unfulfilled and then seeking to fulfill myself within and through connecting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the possibility to connect to myself, but instead I immediately relegated myself to the back and placed connecting with others in the forefront of my intentions, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that I need to depend on others for connection, and that I am unable to create a fulfilling connection to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less important and inferior, wherein I would think/believe/perceive that there is nothing there worth connecting to/there will be no fulfilling connection possible with myself because I have placed value and worth onto others instead of realizing it within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot create a fulfilling relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself, believing that I am not enough, less substantial and hollow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually manifest myself as not enough, less substantial and hollow because I did not put the time, effort, dedication nor take the self-responsibility to create myself as that which I would like to be.

I commit myself to learn how to create and walk a process of getting to know myself.

I commit myself to developing a deep and meaningful connection to myself.

I commit myself to creating myself within and through a process of getting to know and connecting to myself.

When and as I see I am trying to become something for another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-connection by looking at what it is I am trying to become, and turning it around to become that for myself.

When and as I feel that I am not enough, not substantial and hollow, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth and equality by reminding myself that I now have the opportunity and self-responsibility to create myself as someone worthy, substantial and equal to everyone Here.

To learn about the existential nature of the human mind and how to make it practical, visit www.desteni.org