I used to think that I needed to feel a connection with
everybody in my life and world. I would seek for this connection with others,
and try to create it, mostly through oversharing myself, or brining
conversations to way deep levels before the relationship had really developed
to a point where that is appropriate.
There was usually a slight desperation within me, a longing
and a constant sense of dissatisfaction when I would try to create this
experience of connection, or connecting with someone. I realized over time that
if I keep repeating the same method, I will never actually develop the kind of
connection with others that I so desire.
I learned this over time, and I began to pull back and slow
down when I would meet new people, slowly walking the steps of relationship
creation. I learned about ‘small talk’ and its role in the ‘getting to know’
process. I learned how to share myself step by step, in appropriate moments. I
learned how to get to know others and develop a foundation first, before delving
into the deeper issues of life and living. This was great and working really well.
However, I must also look at what this ‘longing for a
connection’ with others is indicating to me about myself. I know about the
principles of that which you desire from others are the things you are not giving
yourself. In this situation, my longing
for deep and meaningful connections with others is indicating that I do not
have a deep and meaningful connection to myself. Why and how is that? For me, I
can see that over the years, beginning at about 8-9 till my late twenties/early
thirties, and even sometimes to this day, I have lived out a pattern of
relegating myself to a ‘back seat’ position in my life and living, where I
would seek to ‘connect’ with others by becoming what I thought they wanted.
If
I became that shoulder to lean on, that perfect friend, the one that people are
comfortable with, then people would open up and invite me in. But
interestingly, when I would be invited in and really see the truth of a person
and see what they’re dealing with and facing, I would sometimes become
uncomfortable, feeling as though I was in over my head.
In doing this ‘becoming what another would want of me’, I
would end up studying them, their preferences, their personality, likes and
dislikes, and then ‘absorb’ or integrate the personality and qualities I
perceived would be best into and as myself. This is hard for me to admit, but I
will take the gift with the pill that is tough to swallow. The gift here is
that I already know the process of how to develop that self-connection, I had
just misaligned it by placing the other in the pilot seat, allowing their
personality and character to navigate my path of self-development. All there is
left to do now is to swap drivers seats and place myself as the pilot, not the
auto-pilot, but the pilot that navigates in awareness who I would like to be,
become and develop into.
Now, this is not something I can sit down and map out all in
one go. It is a day-by-day ‘getting to know’ that can only be walked in space
and time. My starting point will be simple, ‘easy’ daily activities and
routines, the ‘small talk’. This can be: what and when I like to eat, what I
wear, how I present myself, what I like to do throughout the day in terms of
structure and routine, how I go about getting to work, how I set up and manage
my personal space, and so much more.
Then, I can look at the bigger, more existential aspect of
myself, such as what is my self-created meaning and purpose in this life, what
path would I like to walk, what are my struggles along the way, what type of
qualities and characteristic do I enjoy in others in my world? And again, so
much more. I will take note throughout the days and weeks to come, in order to
really get to know me, myself and I, so that when I begin to create a
connection to another, I can do so from a starting point of standing one and
equal to them, and not from a place of desiring them to fill a hole or void
within me that I had not taken the time or put in the effort and dedication to
create for myself, nor trying to fill any void for them. Instead, I stand as a
pillar – a pillar of support/self-support that stands alone.
Sometimes I will
need support in my creation of myself as this pillar, and sometimes I will for
a moment, act as support for another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want/need/desire to form a connection to others in a try and attempt to fill a
void in myself where a connection to self can stand as self-fulfillment,
wherein the connection I develop with others will come from a starting point of
equality and oneness instead of inferiority/superiority and dependence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
never get to know myself, never fully connect to myself on deep and intimate
levels, leaving me feeling unfulfilled and then seeking to fulfill myself within
and through connecting with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see/realize and understand the possibility to connect to myself, but
instead I immediately relegated myself to the back and placed connecting with
others in the forefront of my intentions, within the thought, idea, perception
or belief that I need to depend on others for connection, and that I am unable
to create a fulfilling connection to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
place myself as less important and inferior, wherein I would
think/believe/perceive that there is nothing there worth connecting to/there
will be no fulfilling connection possible with myself because I have placed
value and worth onto others instead of realizing it within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that I cannot create a fulfilling relationship with
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
disregard myself, believing that I am not enough, less substantial and hollow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
actually manifest myself as not enough, less substantial and hollow because I
did not put the time, effort, dedication nor take the self-responsibility to
create myself as that which I would like to be.
I commit myself to learn how to create and walk a process of
getting to know myself.
I commit myself to developing a deep and meaningful
connection to myself.
I commit myself to creating myself within and through a
process of getting to know and connecting to myself.
When and as I see I am trying to become something for
another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-connection by
looking at what it is I am trying to become, and turning it around to become
that for myself.
When and as I feel that I am not enough, not substantial and
hollow, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth and equality by
reminding myself that I now have the opportunity and self-responsibility to
create myself as someone worthy, substantial and equal to everyone Here.
To learn about the existential nature of the human mind and how to make it practical, visit www.desteni.org
