Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?

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Within this blog I will be taking a pause from my direct focus on my process of walking through obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which includes compulsive skin-picking disorder (CSP), body-dismorphic disorder (BDD), and general anxiety, in order to clear my mind and walk through a point that has presented itself in my life. This point is the end of my 10 year marriage.

Within this, I realize that I am not truly ‘taking a pause’ from walking OCD, because OCD is present in everything I do, as I have integrated it into and as the very fiber of Who I Am. Therefore, as I walk this relationship character I become within relationships, I am also clearing aspects of myself that have contributed to OCD in my life.

What I have noticed is that, it always comes back to self-acceptance, including self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, equal to and one with everthing and everyone that is Here. But is always comes back to self first- clearing self first, creating an equality-based self-relationship first. This process is a difficult one and requires self-will, self-discipline and self-movement- all things I require to walk out of OCD, and qualities which I never  truly understood or thought I could develop.  Without self-acceptance, self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, it is very  difficult for me to change. I require myself to be there for myself, and I realize that within relationships, I give much of myself away.

I would ideally have a partner in my life, and would enter into an agreement with one that is willing to stand with me, but I will not do so without a clear starting point. I realize that without clearing the starting point, one is bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over, every time. I will be required to clear myself as ‘relationship Kim’, I character I play to fit into the role of relationships, so that I can enter into an agreement as a whole being that doesn’t require to play roles to be accepted by another. If I remain this way, I will only ever compromise myself within relationships.

So, here goes: Beginning with the fear dimension of this character, then I will move through to the ‘thought’ dimension, the  ‘back chat’/’internal conversation’, and then the ‘imagination’ dimension.

The Relationship character:

Fears:

I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.

I fear I won’t be missed.

I fear being rejected.

I fear not being wanted, needed and desired

I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.

I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.

I fear facing jealousy.

I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.

I fear I’ve made a mistake.

"I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose externalized environmental feedback that I can use to create the energetic experience of ‘being loved’ and ‘being cherished’- indicating a starting point of being ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ due to having never developed or enhanced myself as self-love and never truly cherishing myself. Having always depended on my environment and people within my environment to obtain these feelings as if they were possessions, being possessed by energy instead of facing the fact that I had only ever been emptying myself out the more I sought these things outside of myself. Constantly and continuously recreating the starting point of ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ within myself, thus manifesting the end result equal to and one with the starting point.

I commit myself to use that which I fear losing to show myself that which I am not providing myself.

I commit myself to map out practical steps which, when lived over time, will develop self-love and teach myself what it means to cherish myself.

When and as I see that the fear of being unloved and uncherished is coming up within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the development of self-love and self-cherishing by reminding myself I am Here for me, walking this process for me, taking responsibility for me- so that I constantly learn to clear my starting point and base myself as self-acceptance, self-love, and self-cherishing,  equal to and one with all that’s Here- of equal value, equal love, equally cherished, thus within loving and cherishing myself, I love and cherish others as me, instead of using others to fulfill the void I had created myself as- loveless and uncherished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-love and self-cherishing outside of myself, into and as another, thus making the other responsible for filling the void/myself as void, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I looked outside myself and placed my value in what others could give me, I was actually giving myself away in return for the experience of myself. I was digging into myself and creating a void, and giving pieces of me away in return for the experience of love, and the experience of being cherished, which was only ever just that: experience; momentary sensations leaving nothing but a desire for more, while giving away my potential for self-love and self-cherishing, potential which could have been substantial- of actual substance which would become parts of me, giving myself back parts of me instead of giving myself away; Creating myself as something/someone of substance. I can depend on and trust that which is substantial, while experience is fleeting, unpredictable, unstable, and leaves behind only impressions of what could be- without a means to become it.

I commit myself to Take Myself Back, piece by piece, by recognizing where and how I give myself away, by seeing when and where I look to others to make me feel something.

I commit myself to walk myself towards self-trust, self-dependability, and self-stability, by stopping myself from seeking experience within relationships, and instead giving attention to that which I am in fact, and developing and enhancing that which I am in matter and in fact.

When and as I see that I am looking to gain the experience of being cherished and being loved from another, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to brutal self-honesty, by reminding myself of that which I am actually losing/giving away/not developing /not substantiating, by instead seeking it from another as a feeling or experience. I move myself to stand equal to and one with those in my life and world, not to gain something from them, but to learn and grow, and face myself as them, to grow and develop together. Based on agreed upon principles, and not taking from each other that which the other never really had to begin with.

I will continue within my next blog…

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Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

            This blog post is a continuation of my post titled “What is Left After Love?” As I continue to walk through letting go of my addiction to ‘love,’ which extends beyond only relationship/romantic ‘love,’ to all forms of what I believed and had defined myself according to what I thought was ‘love.’ It’s not love, and I don’t know what to call the experience I used to define as ‘love.’ It was an experience I would create within me, a positive energetic experience that I sought in all relationships, which I completely compromised myself in order to obtain from these relationships, based on feedback which I would interpret and then react to within myself as the experience  of ‘love.’

            But, as I said, it was not love. It was absolute disregard for Who I Really Am, which, leaves me feeling just kind of empty and lost. But at some core place within me, I’m okay. It’s similar to when I quit weed and alcohol, wherein, because I was not receiving the ‘highs,’ I immediately wanted to interpret the experience as a ‘low,' wherein I was left feeling like, "what do I do now."  But then I slowly realized that “I’m okay,” “I’m still Here.”

  Yet, I am not completely Here, as I must quit and let go of all my inner energetic feeling and emotional experiences because now I see them for what they are: absolute self-compromise. The crazy thing is, looking back, it’s like I knew it all along. I was aware of every time I manipulated, converted and contorted myself to fit a role, gain an experience, or please myself or another. Every time I diminished myself, went into superiority or lied to myself about who I was… I knew. And I still know.

            So, now the decision has to be made: who will I be? I guess that’s the big question. In looking for an answer to that question, I look to the only thing that has been consistent, supportive and unconditional, which is my breath and my physical body. These are ‘parts of’ me that have never abused or compromised me. Only myself as my mind has done that. I’m like this little passenger in this vessel, and the vessel has been my life-support, but my whole life I have judged it, abused it (literally), been ashamed of it, or flaunted it as if it were my possession. It is not my possession, it is all that I am, thus, it is so much greater than me as a passenger, who has not honoured it.  Yet it is absolutelyequal to all other physical substance that’s Here. That is a concept that we passengers find hard to grasp, because we so badly want to be the stars of the show and have it be ‘all about us.’ But we are absolutely dependent upon our vessels, and in fact, they are the only thing that is real about any of us.

            So, forgiveness on this point is at the same time long overdue and only possible now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself as my physical body, as I as ‘the passenger’ as my mind took absolute control and subjugated my body instead of realizing it is/was the only thing about me that has ever been real.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to honour my body in/for every moment that it has unconditionally supported me, which is in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I as a mind am/was the star of the show, that my internal experience of myself was all that mattered, and then judged my body as ‘less than, ‘shameful,’ and ‘imperfect.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that my physical body is perfect, because it is exactly what it is supposed to be- physical matter/substance, and the only imperfections are those which I have caused due to abuse over time, conditioning and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also have participated within the polarity of judging my body as ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘seductive,’ etc… and then limited myself by defining myself according to these judgments, judgments which shifted and changed from day to day, thus causing me to experience ups and downs, and instead of stopping my participation within these polarity cycles, I blamed my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body for my negative internal experiences, wherein I would cause myself to pump myself full of chemicals associated with shame and self-loathing, causing my body to endure such chemical and energetic rushes which takes away from it as it I abused it to support my fleeting emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my physical body as I slowly accept and allow myself to waste away, instead of realizing that I was wasting the only thing I ever really was for that which I never really was, which is experience- fleeting and limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose that which I never really had, for that which I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value that which destroys me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be that which destroys me, so thoroughly that I became it, and thus continued to destroy me, as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to believe, and to base who I am upon beliefs and ideas, ideals and fantasy, instead of looking at the actual reality that is Here, wherein it is all so obvious and the evidence and signs of it are everywhere, yet in it, as it, I couldn’t see it.

When and as I see myself looking for experience out of fear of ‘not knowing what else to do,’ ‘who to be,’ or ‘who I am without roles,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am still okay, I am still Here, and I will always have me, within and as each breath. I remind myself that it’s okay to not know who/how to be, and it’s better to do nothing than to try/attempt to be what I’m not for the sake of experience.

I commit myself to continue opening my eyes, and to teach myself about that which is actually Here, by looking, seeing, realizing and understanding, and giving myself the platform of self-support that can provide through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walking this process into the physical, because now I truly see what a sham it all is/was/has been and will continue to be if we keep on ‘living’ the way we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to love.

I commit myself to honour and move within and as my physical body in every moment of breath.

I remind myself:

One step at a time

I am Here

In every moment

Day 30- Using LOVE as a DRUG

            I used love as a drug. It picked me up when I was down, it made me feel secure when I felt insecure, it assured me I was beautiful when I was certain I was ugly, I used it because I did not love myself, I used it when something bad happened during the day that made me feel guilty, bad, inferior or taken advantage of. I used love to complete me, because I allowed myself to be un-whole. I used it to boost my ego, and I used it to boost the ego of another, to keep him addicted, so that he would never ever leave me.

The only thing I didn’t use love for, was to support myself, to love myself, to complete myself, to stand up for myself, and to console myself. I abused the drug of love, and now I am half a person.

I used to think it was romantic, to say I am half of something, ‘he completes me,’ ‘I’m his,’ and stuff like that. But seriously, do I really want someone to own me? Do I really want to do that to another? The whole ownership aspect, to me, stems only from security issues, wherein one does not feel one could handle life, the world, the day without one’s partner. Do I really want to be ‘half’ of something, wherein I am left un-whole if he leaves? If he finds another love am I then just left to flounder as I have not developed a whole self to support myself with through life? That is NOT what I would prefer. If I were to say ‘he completes me,’ that is equivalent to the statement that I do not complete myself: that there are parts of me that I’m just not going to work on or try to change, because those are now his responsibilities.

Usually at the beginning of relationships, we don’t advertise that we are un-whole, needy and dependent beings searching for completion and security. We instead project an image of ourselves as complete, confident, independent, and ‘happy’- perfect for a healthy partnership. Conversely, if we show our neediness, insecurity, and dependency, we will then attract a mate who is looking to fulfill us because they cannot fulfill themselves, or someone who is looking for something safe, due to their own insecurities, and they may then project themselves as dependable, confident, secure etc…  What if we were completely self-honest with each other upon initiation into a relationship, wherein we would state our list of needs from the get go? “You need to be able to make me feel secure within myself. I also require constant approval and validation. You will also need to let go of your goals and dreams, and create new goals and dreams which I approve of, otherwise I will not feel loved.” OR, “I require you to depend on me completely, so that I can create for myself an image of dependability. I will also require you to need me constantly so that, no matter how much I judge you or how I treat you, I know you will never leave me, so that I may feel safe and secure…” and so on.

Good luck with that.

 And it is mostly luck after all. It’s ‘luck’ because we don’t usually lay our actual needs and expectations out on the line for the other to make a decision based on the actual reality of who we are. How long can we keep up the roles we play, do we become those rolls permanently? If that is not who we are, and we do not investigate and explore and get to know who we really are due to the rolls we play, will that then not lead to resentment and blame? But we do not necessarily make decisions in this practical way- rather, we usually determine our partner based on the way he or she makes us feel- which is also the rationale behind which drugs we prefer to ingest. The inner emotional experience is also a drug, as it is a chemical experience produced within the body that makes us feel good. Within this, are we really taking into consideration who the other person really is, at all ? Or are we basing our choices on self-interest, both parties more concerned with the high they are receiving, the internal experience that affects nobody but them, without considering how the other may be compromising themselves, suppressing themselves , or even EXpressing themselves in a way that is not who they are, because they are responding not to an equal partner, but to an addiction.  I’m sure some relationship have elements of mutual enjoyment, genuinely ‘good times,’laughter, deep talks maybe, but at what cost to oneself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become addicted to the internal chemical reactions my body produces when another treats me in such a way which I use to create an internal experience of feeling good, or feeling bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another human being within and as self-interest, only to manipulate and control my internal experience, from positive, to neutral, to negative, over and over again in cycles, , or if those cycles stop, I declare I am ‘no longer ‘in love,’’ and after a period of time, I search for my next fix.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the actual realit of the being I am with, wherein I am able to interact without the need to become high within myself, but interact rather on an equal playing field of support, where each supports the other to stand and become whole, secure within themselves, independent, stable and self-honest.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I use relationships to generate the ‘love drug’ to keep me constantly in a state of feelings or emotions, so that I never have to confront myself and the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself in a way that I think/believe/perceive will trigger the ‘love drug’ within my partner, in order to keep him interested and coming back for more, so that I may also continue to get my fix.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having/experiencing the effects of the ‘love drug’ within me, for fear that I will then have to face my internal experience within absolute sobriety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my internal experience will change to one of dis-satisfaction, insecurity, un-specialness, and all the other consequences of living as an un-whole being within myself, which I was able to do because it felt ‘okay,’ because I was self-medicating with the ‘love drug.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terribly sad to lose the ‘love drug,’ as it has/had become my close friend, my comfort, my illusion of happily ever after, my projection of perfection and the comfortable, secure lie I was living, which I called ‘love’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear withdrawing from the ‘love drug’ because I don’t know how to operate any other way, and because I’m so used to the comfort and security of predictability, that I have never directed myself, step by step in to the unknown place that is Here.

When and as I see that I am falling back into my addiction to love, searching for that good familiar feeling, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am compromising myself and my partner. I remind myself that the easy road is raaaaarely the road that’s best for me and best for all, because it is usually the road of self-interest, without a consideration for actual realityand the other beings within it.

I commit myself to withdraw from the love drug so that I may live and experience me for the first time.

I commit myself to walk my life as what is best for me and best for all, instead of placing my addiction to love above me, above my partner, and above living life in a way that will bring about a better world than the one I experience today.

I commit myself to living in a way that will produce results that are best for all.

Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

              

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

            Looking back upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in. I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person, rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct me and my life.

            Continuing from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’ but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship. Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to SHUT it the FUCK up!

            The self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called ‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’ was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me and here and there.

            Since Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course, to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom, which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information, is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can free myself from the self-created shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions, backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need  another to stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect relationship’ (as I have defined it on my terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment, and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to standing up within my relationship, and without my relationship, until I prove to me that I do not depend on a relationship to stand.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief, and changing.