Day 215- How I Taught Myself to Compromise Myself in Relationships

The following self-forgiveness relates to a pattern I have lived out for most of my adult life. The pattern involves the fear of the future/not being able to support myself, and then looking to relationships to escape this fear and apparently 'solve' it - when, in reality, this starting point dooms the relationship, and leads to much self-compromise from the very beginning. 

For me, I located three events in my life: 1) A comment made to me by a neighboor I respected, 2) My first job experience and going to college (called CEGEP where I'm from), and 3) One of my first relationships that followed where I experienced financial support and adventure.

These three points worked together in my life to contribute to the creation of self-beliefs and beliefs about the world that influenced Who I Was/Am and penetrated into everything i did or tried to do. 

The following self-forgiveness explains the timeline, and how everything developed, the mis-takes I made and how I could have done better. It is literally like going back in time and taking myself by the hand in order to walk myself through these experiences again in a more beneficial way.

I also added at the end, three incredibly insightful and intimate video-interviews with a young girl that was just starting out and facing points of entering into a relationship-agreement. The videos describe how to lay the ground work out before so as not to make the very common and self-compromising mistakes that many people make in their lives and relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never thought or really seriously contemplated or focused on Who I Really am and what I want to do or be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had the thought: this is my last free summer before working, I will always remember this summer, when and as my neighbour said these same words to me ("Is this your last free summer before working? I will always remember my last summer before working")

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a polarized idea of ‘free summer’  as good and fun and free, and ‘work’  as bad and trapped and the end of freedom, instead of having taken the moment to contemplate what I might like to do for work, what I might enjoy and what my interests were.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated work with bad, trapped, and the end of freedom, and not considered that I might enjoy working, and so never looking for, discussing or pursuing any particular job. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have taken my mom’s offer of a job she got for me, and seen it as having accepted being condemned to prison, a life of work, the end of freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have begun work with a split in me, wherein, part of me did not want to disappoint or embarrass my mother, but at the same time rebelled from what I saw as ‘imprisonment’, by moving out of the house and staying up late doing drugs and drinking, wherein the job did become like a terrible prison sentence, as I was constantly stressed about getting there on time, and so tired that I would fall asleep in the bathroom, dragging all day long which felt like torture, and not looking self-honestly to see that I was directly creating it, and not taking any self-responsibility to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not quit the job because it was too much, too many hours and I was not mentally prepared to take on such a task and could have admitted it was too much and started with a part-time job in order to understand what it means to work and take on responsibility, as it was something I had never done before, but instead I remained at the job out of fear of disappointing my parents and embarrassing them because they got me the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself due to my own self-created fear of disappointing and embarrassing my parents, instead of placing myself and my needs first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as irresponsible and not good enough, a failure and incapable instead of looking self-honestly to see what changes I could make, or whether or not I was in over my head.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-introspect about what is too much for me, and that I might need to enter into things more slowly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider who I am and where I am at within myself when taking on new responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of self-introspect and take Who I Am in the moment into consideration, I instead judged myself for not being able or capable of doing the job and work, thus creating a self-perception and self-relationship that was and is made toxic within and through self-judgment and self-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gone back to school thinking “I didn’t even get a summer” and create an experience of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the self-beliefs of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’, and instead of finding a better way to work, I created a solution as ‘avoiding work’ and not wanting to work, seeing ‘work’ as the cause of wearing me out and causing unrest instead of looking at my whole life-style and mental state and learning how to nurture and care for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to have periods of extended ‘rest’, where I do whatever I want and have reduced or no responsibilities, in order to be able to function and work in this life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that everything is a balance, between work and play, rest and pushing, and is not defined by periods of work and rest, but can be done within work and within rest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about having no summer and having worked too much, when in fact, I saw that I felt alright in my body, I was not too tired or overworked when I went back to school, but rather felt normal, and instead of seeing the reality of myself, I instead went with the idea that because I had worked, I should be tired and worn out.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  have gone into the mind of being overwhelmed, incapable and helpless in CEGEP, instead of looking at what I actually wanted to do, and reached out for assistance and support to support myself to accomplish my goals, in terms of signing up for classes on time and having my schedule prepared, as well as getting to know the building and being places on time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral out of control, and seek the energy of a social life, boyfriends, alcohol and drugs to make myself feel better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I would have felt better had I become more directive and disciplined in my schooling, which is what I really wanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to reach out and seek assistance and support when I needed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I was/am incapable of being assisted and supported, because of the thought, perception or belief that I wouldn’t get it, or wouldn’t understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don’t innately understand something, then I am unable to learn it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my negative experience of work and school with my positive experience of traveling with X, wherein I saw him and his money as saving me, and giving me the life I always wanted – which is being provided for and doing amazing things like traveling around the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and look to men/partners/relationships as the only way to feel okay and have a life worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I could never create this life for myself, due to basing my judgment on a self that did not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have focused on finding a man to take care of me and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that every new relationship brought the same result of failure because I never fully stood up and lived for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself because I didn’t see instant results every time I tried to make a change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships as if I owed something to the man because my starting point was that of taking and being supported by him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships with a fear of loss, because I feared losing my support which I believed I depended upon, because I thought and believed that, without a man, my life would be like it was when things were tough, instead of realizing it had nothing to do with being in a relationship or not, and everything to do with my relationship to myself.

 Please watch these videos to get an intimate glimpse into what it takes to remain as an individual within a relationship, where the relationship becomes an agreement of mutual support:

Lilly and Malin / Self-Agreement and Self-Process

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn2PGtsCudI Talk 1

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X5mrVXhNYgTalk 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCtgp16IG70  Talk 3

A casual, comfortable, laid-back chat with Sunette, Lilly (through the Portal) and Malin discussing the establishment and practical living of and as self-agreement and the basic practical layout of what's ahead in walking one's personal 'self-process' as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind...and a few things in-between! 

See life coaching
http://desteniiprocess/

Join the forum
Desteni at http://www.desteni.org

Destonian Social Network:
http://www.destonians.com

Visit the store: EQAFE.com

Day 135- Stop, and Change

The fact is that I’ve realized that I subconsciously manipulate myself with self-sabotage, by using internal emotional energetic experiences such as fear and uncertainty. I use these as excuses to not move myself so that I create a loss of control in my life which justifies the certain specific habits I have which give me the ‘experience’ of control. This is an 'experience, and not an actual physical doing, thus it is just a feeling inside, and does not actually translate into any kind of peace/order/control in my life and world.
I am addicted to the energetic experience of control, and fear keeps me in line from letting it go, meaning, I both don’t want to stop, and am scared to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to feed my addictionto the energetic experience of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to sabotage myself by continuing to use excuses and justifications to not have to seethings through that would give me back control of my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on things as soon as they become difficult or complicated, wherein if they are not easy or handed to me I find any excuse to give up, particularly and specifically with things that would give me the most control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate in behavior that is not best for me, because my decision to

change was not genuine, it stems from the desire to avoid negative consequences, wherein, my desire to changestood in opposition to my desire to not change, creating friction, resistance and conflictwithin me, instead of understanding my desire to not change, and then standing up from within not wanting to change until I have in fact changed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore my desire to not change until I understand iit in it’s entirety.

 

To learn the basics of self-forgiveness, sign up for the free course at DIPLITE, try it for yourself.

 

Day 95- A Life of Regrets?

I’m going to take a pause from my last two blogs in order to address a point that has come up in the form of the beginnings of a migraine. I have recently spoken with people who have done self-forgiveness through migraines until they were gone. I have been doing self-forgiveness out loud all day when I’ve had a chance, like in the car or in my house when I’m alone, and it seems to be working, because although the migraine came mighty close- it never happened. But I can still feel it lingering behind my temples, and all the symptoms of sensitivity to lights, nausea and a throbbing sensation are here, so, I wanted to look into and forgive the thoughts that have been coming up in relation to the pain.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my relationships to others.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within relationships, for fear of being judged, humiliated, belittled, ridiculed, made fun of and/or rejected.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, belittled, humiliated, ridiculed, made fun of and rejected, within the belief that, if any one of these things were to happen to me, or if another did any of these things unto me, that it would be true and be who I am.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that anyone has the power to ‘make’ me feel these ways except me, and that I do it as a defense mechanism of the mind as ego, which creates experiences to protect itself and the characters I have created myself as, which have a built-in self-preservation technique that create fears within me whenever my ego, beliefs, personalities or characters are challenged, wherein I end up either outwardly becoming angry, or inwardly suppressing myself and compromising myself to everything outside of myself, slowly transforming myself over time into something I don’t even recognize, only to realize that I have not been living.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself freely and fearlessly, nor accepted or allowed myself to truly experience myself as Life in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that fears and resistance always indicate and opportunity for me to push through and change and grow, wherein, each time I am confronted by something I fear or am resistant towards, it is a window of opportunity showing me that I am protecting something of myself, and giving me the opportunity to realize that I do not require protection, because Who I Am is Life, and life cannot be ridiculed, belittled, humiliated, made fun of, judged or rejected, because Life is here absolute, and as I stand as the Life that I am, I too stand as that absoluteness to which we are all a part of, if only we would each and every one of us take the opportunity to become it, instead of suppressing ourselves within and as fear and self-compromise, or bursting out in anger at and blame at those around us.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am in control because I make these things real by reacting to them, and in reacting to them I am making the statement that ‘yes’, that is who/what I am by giving it my energy and confirmation, and so even by simply fearing these things, and changing my behaviours due to that fear, I am confirming them as acceptable and allowable within and as me, instead of breathing through that fear and not participating within and as it, and directing myself to stop and return to here, out from the mind and grounded firmly Here, in living reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ridiculed, made fun of, belittled, rejected and humiliated within relationships with others because I have held on to the memories of past experiences where this in fact happened, and instead of realizing in those moments that only I decide what I accept/allow within me, I abdicated that self-responsibility to the automatic programs of the mind, and I reacted as if it were true and ‘who I was’ because of the emotional experience that accompanied it, wherein I trusted that experience as real, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was an experience that I could have stopped in an instant, thus proving it was not real, and not who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself as life and living, to compromise, fear and suppression for the sake of ego, causing me to be an absolute slave to ego, just as so many human beings are today: slaves to the egos of those who have more, to those who can afford the pursuit of their own happiness while the rest slave away in the background. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of such slavery within and as me, as that which exists in this world exists within each one of us to differing degrees.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, belittle, ridicule, make fun of, reject and judge others for the protection and sake of my own ego, wherein, even as a young child I would perpetuate these things, as children can be the most vicious, and instead of teaching ourselves and our children how to take self-responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience within us, we accept and allow them to perpetuate it, as we do, over and over throughout our lives, instead of ever actually living and treating each other and ourselves with the integrity required to live as equals.

 I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to treat myself with dignity and respect in every moment, but have instead looked to be treated this way by others in order to prove to myself that I deserve it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is a Gift of Grace that has been given to us all unconditionally, and so it is up to each one to decide to treat each self as Life with the dignity and respect that all Life deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise life in any way for the sake of ego/energy/mind.

Memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of 2nd grade, when a group of girls collected together and when one said I was the ugliest girl in the class and then encouraged the others to agree, which they eventually did, and within me, in that moment I felt belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of and rejected, and instead of stopping these reactions as what they were-fleeting energetic reactions- I held on to them and feared them to happen again, and developed personalities and characters in order to protect myself and avoid ever feeling these things again. And then, when events would inevitably come up again, I would bring this memory back up so as to confirm it to myself that what others say about me is true, especially when it is agreed upon in a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay that moment within me, the time between when the girl made the statement, till she got the others to agree, wherein I felt like in that moment, my fate was in their hands, not realizing I was waiting for someone to stick up for me, and when no one did, I felt hurt, disappointed and let down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I could have stood up for myself, and let go of the whole thing in one breath. But instead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built relationships around this fear that the others will hurt me, disappoint me and let me down, and that I am not safe because at any moment, someone can hurt me, disappoint me, or let me down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I hurt, disappointed and let myself down by not standing up for me.

Memory 2:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory in 5th grade when a boy made fun of me in front of my best friend, and because of the presence of my best friend I was even more embarrassed than had I been alone, but instead of staying quiet, I stuck up for myself because my friend was there, and I didn’t want her to see me that way. And I quite effectively stood up in that moment. But,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it would have been that easy to stand up for myself each time, but I hadn’t really stood up for myself as life, I had stood up for my ego being bruised in front of my best friend, thus the lesson never stuck , but I’ve hung on to the memory because I’ve charged it with fear and embarrassment, instead of having changed in that moment and let the memory go, I accepted/allowed myself to continue not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of being made fun of and sticking up for myself out of fear exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly bring this memory up throughout my life, as proof that I can’t stick up for myself, because according to the memory- even when I stick up for myself, it is fear-based.

I commit myself to stand up for myself as life.

I commit myself to treat myself with the dignity, respect and integrity of Life that I am.

I commit myself to never again confirm or validate myself as being belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of, rejected or mocked.

I commit myself to never again let myself down by not standing up or speaking up out of fear.

I commit myself to support myself to stand up as Life.

I commit myself to always be there for me.
When and as I am feeling myself being attacked, humiliated, rejected, made fun of, judged, or belittled, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that only I validate and confirm these experiences within me, thus if I decide not to- then they do not get to exist. I remind myself that only ego gets bruised and that there is nothing of me that
I cannot expose and laugh at without having it ‘make me less’. However, when and as I see that I require being defended, I stop, and I breathe, and I allow myself to step up for me, to step through the fear and speak from common sense, as what I know is true: Life cannot ever be made less than what it is, Life can never be diminished.

Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

              

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

            Looking back upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in. I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person, rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct me and my life.

            Continuing from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’ but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship. Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to SHUT it the FUCK up!

            The self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called ‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’ was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me and here and there.

            Since Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course, to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom, which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information, is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can free myself from the self-created shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions, backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need  another to stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect relationship’ (as I have defined it on my terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment, and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to standing up within my relationship, and without my relationship, until I prove to me that I do not depend on a relationship to stand.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief, and changing.