Be Silent Always (2)

 

 

This blog is continued from Be Silent Always (What is Real Silence?)

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the inner storms, the inner turmoil, the dis-ease, and the emotional states that I experience within myself are caused by the mind-noise, the lack of silence, the missed moments, the accumulation of seemingly insignificant thoughts that arise in moments, and within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the accumulated consequence that I myself created through not remaining silent always as a real silence, not seeing and realizing the self-fulfilling prophecy of creating the very emotional states and inner turmoil, which ends up bogging me down physically and emotionally, when all along all I had to do was be Here, in each moment, like a fresh moment and a blank slate in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to the mind-noise as inner chatter, repeating thoughts, repeating the same patterns over and over, reacting in the same ways over and over. Not seeing and realizing how easy it actually is to just stop, to let it all go, to take a breath and begin anew, forgive myself and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am alone, there should be silence except for practical planning and direct seeing of my environment, and that anything other than this is mind-noise which always accumulates into a negative consequence with a destructive effect in myself, in my life or in the lives of others (as myself) eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto positive thoughts when I know this creates a polarity which compromises me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to negative thoughts as it destroys me immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to thoughts and become addicted to thoughts and thinking instead of taking a breath and walking through the slight pull every time I stop myself from participating in thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that inner-silence/remaining silent always is boring, and that within this I should be stimulated, constantly buzzing to keep me distracted and pre-occupied in a tiny bubble where all of my time and focus is invested on controlling the inner-experience that I myself am disrupting with polarized thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I experience when I accept/allow myself to manipulate myself with positive and negative thoughts, not seeing and realizing that I am not actually in control, the thoughts move too quickly, and so I am constantly only playing catch-up and damage-control, trying to maintain and subdue the stress levels, the anxiety levels, the fear levels, the insecurity, the uncertainty – all of the conditions I have conditioned my body into over a lifetime – thus proving to myself that actual control does not exist, only Self-Expression in the moment can carry one through on the cutting edge of time – real time, timelessness, the unpredictable, the unplanned, the things cannot be prepared for. Only Self-Expression does not accumulate destructive consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being silent is without sound, not seeing and realizing that Life is sound, and there will be sounds, and the only ‘noise’ is reacting to those sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be silent always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t stop my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot quite my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot do something if I have not already done it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a quiet mind is impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when my mind is quiet, I enjoy myself more.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I laugh more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet I do more of the things that I know will benefit me, and within that self-consideration, I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I can consider others more, and that within that consideration I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I consider what is Best for All.

Day 135- Stop, and Change

The fact is that I’ve realized that I subconsciously manipulate myself with self-sabotage, by using internal emotional energetic experiences such as fear and uncertainty. I use these as excuses to not move myself so that I create a loss of control in my life which justifies the certain specific habits I have which give me the ‘experience’ of control. This is an 'experience, and not an actual physical doing, thus it is just a feeling inside, and does not actually translate into any kind of peace/order/control in my life and world.
I am addicted to the energetic experience of control, and fear keeps me in line from letting it go, meaning, I both don’t want to stop, and am scared to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to feed my addictionto the energetic experience of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to sabotage myself by continuing to use excuses and justifications to not have to seethings through that would give me back control of my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on things as soon as they become difficult or complicated, wherein if they are not easy or handed to me I find any excuse to give up, particularly and specifically with things that would give me the most control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate in behavior that is not best for me, because my decision to

change was not genuine, it stems from the desire to avoid negative consequences, wherein, my desire to changestood in opposition to my desire to not change, creating friction, resistance and conflictwithin me, instead of understanding my desire to not change, and then standing up from within not wanting to change until I have in fact changed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore my desire to not change until I understand iit in it’s entirety.

 

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Day 134- Out-of-Control as a Mind State Only

This blog is continued from Day 133- I'm Out of Control:

I commit myself to move myself through moments of uncertainty as it arises, to see it for what it is: an emotional energetic experience that is not real, as it is not based on the fact that “I don’t know what to do”, because there is always a solution, even if that solution is admitting I can’t do it or need help.
I commit myself to NOT accept or allow the experience of uncertainty to be an excuse I use to give up and not move.
When and as I see uncertainty arise within me, as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back here within the realization that there is nothing to it but to do it. To take steps to keep moving through the experience with full knowing that I am going to bombard myself with reasons, justifications and excuses as to WHY I can’t do it. But I can, and so I just keep walking the process of ‘I’m going to do it, I am doing it, it is done’.

I commit myself to face the responsibilities of the moment and to not make excuses and run from them simply because I believe my internal energetic experience which Iknow doesn’t last.
When and as I see that I have created a situation in which I feel ‘stuck’ due to uncertainty, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by reminding myself it’s not going to ‘feel good’, and it’s irrelevant how it ‘feels’, so I take a breath, I take a moment to myself to sketch a plan of action, and I execute it- no mind processing, just doing.

I commit myself to replace the pattern and habit of ‘mind-processing’, wherein I would move through the task in my mind and inevitably, always end up at a dead end or an obstacle, by actually doing the tasks and proving to myself that dead ends and obstacles do not exist because only when I die will my ability to move myself physically, through that which I decide to do, end, hence ‘dead’ and ‘end’ (within the practical limitations of reality).
When and as I see that I am moving through a task in the imaginary world of my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself through to actual application by stopping my participation in the mind of self-manipulation because the I will see that there is only me, Here, and no amount of thinking will gt anything done, only practical planning and actual self-movement through and as the execution of tasks.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by using the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty’ to create the disempowerment of experiencing myself as ‘out of control’.
I commit myself to stop this manipulation tactic where it starts, which is the first thought of uncertainty connected to and as the energetic experience of ‘defeat’.
I commit myself to replace the ‘experience’ of control derived through/as obsessiveness/focusing in on one thing, with ACTUAL control in my life and world, which equates to taking the self-responsibility to direct myself through the multitude of things that need to be tended to in order to ‘get myself/my world/my life together’, wherein I would actually be living a Life that supports me.

When and as I see that I am

seeking the EXPERIENCE of control through patterns and habits which give it to me, I stop, and breathe. I walk myself out of the energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control by reminding myself that those things that give me the experience of control actually create the opposite, lack of control, which perpetuates the addiction to the energy created by the experience, as I would constantly feel out of control and constantly in the NEED for the EXPERIENCE of control, without ever having taken sufficient steps to get my life/world/reality under control in such a way that my daily living creates results that are best for me and support me to be and become a self-responsible human being.


I commit myself to stop manipulating myself to justify my addiction to certain specific energetic experiences, and I commit myself to walk through every step of fear that may present itself along the path of taking responsibility, as fear is but another manipulation tactic of the mind.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of control/loss of control that I have constantly and continuously subjected myself to and believed to be real/

Who I Am- it is NOT me, it is an experience, caused. by chemical reactions within my brain which produce different energetic experiences which have always limited and sabotaged me, bit by bit over time.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’, by, for example, doing the important task later, doing something else instead, doing it half way and not seeing it through, trying once and giving up, making excuses to avoid it, etc… I stop, and I breathe. I breathe myself through the mutual fear of both stopping and applying, and I simply stop and apply, within common sense, to take the point/task and do it and see it through to completion.

Day 133- I'm Out of Control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an energetic experience of uncertainty within and as me, which I use as an excuse not to move forward and move on, but rather languish and stagnate in the moment in fear, not thinking clearly or practically, but rather just ‘stuck’ in place, not knowing what to do next or how to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create uncertainty when I have to move on to the next task, because I do not really want to move on and do the next task, I would instead prefer to escape the responsibilities of the moment which I do by creating somewhat of a ‘shut down mode’ wherein I lose all directive principle and instead create this entire experience of uncertainty which is an energetic experience from which I have much difficulty moving and directing myself within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within moments/tasks/responsibilities that I find difficult/boring/unending, to try /attempt to escape those moments by rejecting/avoiding the process I would need to take to properly/practically finish up and move through the task in order to figure out my next steps and begin working towards the next task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty ‘to sabotage myself to not completing the life tasks that are necessary to attend to, which creates consequences in my life and world that cause me to feel ‘out of control’, wherein, when and as I am ‘out of control’, I disempower myself from taking self-responsibility and also give myself an excuse to seek out not actual control, but the energetic experience of control, which I derive from participating in certain specific ‘bad’ habits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

manipulate my entire experience of myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’ which build up over time and accumulate into something that I experience as ‘big and overwhelming’, when in fact I actually know exactly how to stop it through practical application, and exactly the consequences of NOT stopping it, yet I do it anyways to justify and validate feeding my energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control (and not actual control).

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.

Day 1- Disbelief

7 years? What! Can I do that?... Why not?

The pattern I am exposing within myself today is that of requiring a belief that I can do something based on my past, in order to believe that I can do it in the future. This is quite a dichotomy, because if I haven’t already done something (such as commit to a seven year process) then I don’t allow myself to believe that I can do it. So basically, the statement I am making  is that if I haven’t done it already, then I’ll never be able do it- Which means, I’ll never change, never grow, never learn and never expand, and never become anything more than exactly what I am right now. So, the question is, am I satisfied with me right now? HA! That is a good one. Even if I were satisfied with myself right now, then I would still be living in a world where billions suffer. This I will never be satisfied with. But the truth is that, No, I am not satisfied with myself as who and what I am in this moment. There’s a lot that needs to change within me, and within the world. So to make the statement that ‘I’m done,’ ‘I cannot change,’ by allowing my past and my belief of what I am capable of to dictate who I am is a total giving up and giving in. I refuse to give up or give in, so the only option left is to walk. One foot in front of the other, through the bullshit, till it’s done. I will commit to this seven year process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on past experiences, wherein I look to the safety of the past in order to walk into the future, instead of realizing that this is a self-defeating pattern that causes me to stagnate, to live in the past of memories and experiences, thus limiting myself to only be what I already am, and to project in to the future with fear instead of living right Here, in the present moment where I have the power to determine me, who I am, what I do and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into an unscripted future wherein I move myself as self-direction because I have taught myself/learned to rely on/abdicate myself to the comforts of the mind, thus giving away my self-directive principle instead of standing as myself, and making the statement that I move me, I decide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not capable of doing or being more than what I ever thought I could do or be, when I have never in fact pushed myself to realize my full potential, but have instead remained within my comfort zone and made it who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive a task (this task) is ‘too much’ before I fully commit myself to walk it through in its entirety within the realization that it is not any more tedious or more time consuming than the way I am living right now, which involves procrastination, avoidance, preoccupation and the like- which are wastes of time which I will replace with actual effective living which, when accumulated over time, builds, expands, masters and perfects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself before I even try, thus establishing an automated pattern of self-defeat, instead of taking the time to learn what it is to commit and see it through to the end, which will establish a pattern of self-trust in my living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself with distraction, preoccupation, procrastination and avoidance instead of making the ultimate decision to stand absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the indulgence of ego and personality of the mind as self-interest, and because of that fear I do not stand, but rather diminish me within my own isolated mind where I don’t have to consider anything or anyone but me, instead of actually standing and re-asserting my decision to stand in every breath until it’s done.

I commit myself to living Here, in the present moment, and to face all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as I present myself to me in moments, thus gifting myself the opportunity to see who and how I’ve accepted and allowed me to be and become, in order to correct myself and my living application to self-honest, actual living.

I commit myself to this self-correction by committing to this seven year process of daily writing, exposing, forgiving and correcting, because I see, realize and understand that there is no other way around facing me but head on.

I commit myself to self-movement, wherein I move me, I direct me as the self-directive principle of me through any and all resistances that will inevitable arise throughout my self-transformation because I have learned and taught myself to become comfortable in not changing.

I commit myself to breathe through the resistance to changing, and to constantly and continuously direct me despite any and all resistances.

I commit myself to constant, consistent application.

I commit myself to abandoning my comfort zone, and to push myself to not stop testing my own limits in order that I may realize my full potential.

I commit myself to fully walk through the tasks I place in front of me, by fully investigating and correcting the self-created patterns of procrastination, avoidance and preoccupation of which I have become used to and comfortable with, in order to, over time, correct myself to actual effective self-honest living, through the use and application of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to actual standing and to, without fear, assert myself within my decision to stand in each breath that I breathe.