Day 325 – The Promise of Justice

The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.

Look Inside to Self for Guidance

“Look inside to Self for guidance” follows “be silent always – take a breath before you speak”.  Please read the following blogs for context:

Be Silent Always (When is Silence Real?) 

Be Silent Always (2)

 Take a Breath Before You Speak 

Take a Breath Before You Speak (2) 

 

When you look inside to SELF for guidance, which ‘Self’ are you looking to? The self-interested self, or the Self that stands within responsibility, that stands within principle, within integrity, within respect, the one that stands as what is Best for All?

Can you stand as the Tree of Life that gives unconditionally, expecting nothing in return?

Can you stand as responsibility, taking SELF-responsibility and taking responsibility for your environment as an extension of yourself?  Responsibility leaves no time for self-interest.

Can you give as you would like to receive, without first receiving?

It is vitally important to first learn how to be silent always – because as soon as your mind becomes busy, you are already in self-interest. Within this, you cannot trust yourSELF to guide you, because you are living as a ‘self’ that is out for its own gain. This means that anything that comes from this self will be a manipulation, seeking profits and avoiding losses. Seeking positive experience and avoiding negative experience. Within this, self disregards everything in one’s reality as ‘self’ becomes the center of the universe, not seeing and realizing the consequence one is creating, or, seeing it and not really caring, being ‘ok’ with the consequence, so long as it is happening to another (not remembering we are One, and we are Equal, so creating consequence in the life of another is at the same time creating your own consequence, either directly and immediately, or indirectly and/or over time).

When you take a breath before you speak, you have a moment to clear yourself, to be self-honest, to see through your own manipulation and consider the Whole. You have a moment to bring in CARE, CONSIDERATION, RESPECT and REGARD for not only yourself, but for everyone your words might affect. You have this timeless moment to look to Self for Guidance. Your best Self. You Self that Stands as what is Best for All.

In this, there is at first an inner battle that takes place, as we have been taught through the education system, the money system and social systems to look out for ourselves, ensure our own survival at the sake of others, to be the one that climbs the ladder of success to provide for self and one’s own. There is very little consideration for ‘the other’, ‘them’, they are seen as the competition, and their diminishment is your gain. See how we live this out in our own minds in the small ways in our lives, how we do not see my success as your success, your happiness as my happiness. We have very much separated ourselves into ‘us’ vs ‘them’, ‘me’ vs ‘you’. This is so well-known that it is cliché, but have we ever really taken a look at how in actually live the correction?

Within this battle of the selves, when looking inside to one’s Best Self for guidance, what I have found is that in the beginning, when choosing the path of Best for All there is an immense fear. This fear is an indicator that one is in fact functioning according to principles, possibly for the first time. This is functioning without feeling, emoting or experiencing. The fear comes like a firewall as in one’s words and actions one is deliberately giving up self-interest, which has been linked to survival. One is deliberately NOT feeding one’s ego, which has been linked to survival. One is deliberately giving up ‘experience’ as personal wants and desires (see this blog for context: You Cannot Both Experience Life and Live Life), which has been linked to living and being alive.

However, everything that is being given up is based in survival and experience, instead of in Life, Living and Real Fulfillment in the physical, which is a slow, breath-by-breath creational process rooted in actual action taken over time. We have been living in fear and survival for so long now, that anything that does not align with this feels like it is going against our best interest, our living and our survival – and the feeling is strong, as it is in our programming, in our neuro-pathways, it is in our DNA – and changing this involves a deep and profound change that will challenge you on these levels of existence that have gone untouched for far too long. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-interest as my guide in what I do, how I think and what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that feelings and emotions must guide me in order to ensure my survival and my enjoyment in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue gain as my guide, where my thoughts, words and deeds are being guided by my wants and desires that benefit only me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link feelings and emotions to survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ego to survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link experience to living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I NEED to experience something in order to live, to feel alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trusted a self I had built and created in self-interest, in unawareness, without consideration, honour, respect and regard for others, for the Whole, for the bigger picture and the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to the direct link between living from a starting point of self-interest and the consequence I have seen in my life, not linking the two, but instead trusting in hope for some change or solution to present itself, instead of BEING the solution and the change for and as myself and so others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the importance of a clear starting point within and without, clearing the inner and the outer as Who I Am within myself and Who I Am in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to others for guidance, trusting them, and copying without discernment which means I have not taken complete self-responsibility, which can then lead to blame.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use others as examples only, where I take the best of them and then look inside myself for how I can live those words as me, in my way within and as my expression, where only I can be my guide in the decisions and choices I make, the words I choose to speak and the actions I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking inside Self for guidance due to the self-responsibility this entails, where my mistakes and fuckups are my own, the consequences I may create are my own, where there is no backdoor of blame, where actual learning must be applied, lived and patterned into the deepest levels of myself, which is a process of patience, repetition, trust and time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to guide myself towards actions that honour what is Best for All, but have instead fallen to fear and not wanting to give up my self-interest, looking for short-term gains as experience and not looking at the long-term creational process that involves the betterment of everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear over Life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that trusting Life is an active and not a passive process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that trusting Life involves letting go of the old while birthing the new, and that this process can be painful from both angles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want proof as ‘receiving’ before I give, believing within this that my giving is of no consequence, is unappreciated, is empty, instead of seeing and realizing the self-fulfillment I create when I give as an expression of myself, where the giving is at the same time receiving as I give to others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain both physical and emotional, to fear fear, and to fear death, instead of seeing and realizing that at this point these things are an inevitability to be faced, that they can be faced as they are not greater than Who I am as my expression, as Life, and so I decide to face them as a creational process or a destructive and diminishing process.

I commit myself to let go of the self as self-interest as fear, feelings, emotions and personal gain as my guide.

I commit myself to look inside mySELF for guidance, to the Self that stands, that knows, that sees what is Best for All and what is not.

 

 

 

 

Righteousness, Blame, Spite and Justification and how to See Through It

Have you ever had the experience of seeing a future potential or probable negative consequence, and pushing to change things in order to prevent it, only to have that push for change resisted and fought against? This can be a very frustrating and unbearable situation, where it is like watching a slow train wreck that you see is preventable, where after doing everything you possibly can to prevent it, you get to the point where you have to walk away and let it play out, removing yourself from the situation and hoping for the best.

This happened to me in a big way recently, where I, years ago, went through majorly ungraceful and blundering efforts to change a situation that I saw could lead down a very bad path. In the end, I ended up losing a life I had built due to the choice that I could not be a part of it anymore, and my presence there would be a statement of my acceptance and allowance, which I could not stand by.

Many years went by and no consequence came, and I was soon in the position of questioning how I see things and whether or not I was making too big of a deal about it. It had been, I would say, the most painful and difficult time in my life, and during that time, I had accumulated a lot of emotional baggage about this issue that I had been sitting with for a while.

Recently, I found out that all the consequences I had predicted had eventually played out in a big way, and a person had been brought through very unfortunate circumstances. Every now and again, over time, I would hear about the bad things happening, and I had an interesting internal experience deep within me, one that was positive, when by all accounts, I saw that I should only be supportive and caring. I brushed aside the bizarre positive experience and instead behaved in the way I saw was who and how I wanted to be. But when the most recent big blow in the person’s life occurred, I could no longer ignore this experience I was having, and decided to pull it out and examine it.

What I found within myself was the experience of righteousness, spite, blame and justification, where the words “I told you so” came up, along with the fact that I had perceived myself to have gone through hell and back and lost everything, where I took the consequence personally as if justice had been served. This pattern can be seen in humanity all over the world, for example in politics, where the population wants to see leaders hang from a noose, or one race wants to see the other race suffer because of injustices done unto them in the past. Where it then ‘feels good’ to see another suffer a fate you would never, ever want to experience for yourself.

So, the righteousness comes from me having seen, predicted and given unheeded warnings of the potential negative consequences, and then in the end having seen myself as ‘proven right’, and the spite, blame and justification came from me having felt I had suffered unfairly at the hands of another, and that they should now experience pain and upset too, so that they can learn the hard way that they should have listened to me.

In this situation, I must return to humility and bringing it back to myself, because I cannot claim to understand all the workings of life, as if it is so clean cut and planned out, even if it may seem that way. My responsibility is to myself, and to find the lesson that is in there for me, not to immediately seek and point out the lesson for the other, as that is their process to walk, and I have mine. Only once I clear myself of any reactions can I look at then supporting another through their own consequence.

We as humanity are not a species that has a proven record of the ability to learn from our mistakes, even when they are obvious and the lesson is right in font of us, we so much more often choose the ‘feel good’ way, or the path of emotional turmoil, the righteousness, the spite, the blame and the justification. Even though this is the path to further suffering and moving in the opposite direction of any kind of solution, it is still the more common path to take, and I am seeing now in my life why this is the case. I had so easily dismissed the subtle, underlying experience, and it was only by pulling it out of myself with awareness that I was able to see what I was actually in fact doing inside myself.

How we can support ourselves to end this cycle is by individually learning the tough lessons in our own lives, and forging another path on an individual level, because in the end, humanity is made of billions of individuals that are collectively living out and creating the overall outflows of what we call ‘human nature’.

How I was able to change my own way of living, reacting and seeing things is by placing myself in the shoes of the other, seeing past my own reactions and self-interest, and really looking at what it would be like to be them and to be in their place in that moment of consequence. What I saw was that it would be mostly difficult to deal with my immediate reality, and my focus would be more on day-to-day survival, healing, and researching how to support myself in my current position. To have someone come in, at this point in time, and say “see, I told you so!” from a starting point of righteousness, spite, blame and self-justification would only cause me to react more towards that person, and not so much see the lesson they are apparently trying to show me. Maybe I would see it if I were in a more healthy and stable position, but not so much from the point of being at my lowest low, where what would be more supportive would be for the person to do what they could to support me back to a place of stability first and foremost.

With this understanding, from where I stand currently, the righteousness, spite and justification melts away, and the reality of the situation becomes more clear. I can see beyond my self-interest and how to be of best support for the other. This doesn’t mean I know exactly what to say or do, but it does mean that, if and when moments present themselves, I will be there to support as I can, with a clear starting point, to not taint the interaction with my own baggage that I hadn’t dealt with yet.

Manifesting Your Own Consequences

Sometimes the most challenging things to hear can be the most empowering. I recently listened to an Eqafe recording called “Manifesting YourOwn Consequences”, and found it to be (like most of the Eqafe recordings I listen to) a very empowering lesson. While I was listening and relating to the information being shared in this discussion, I was remembering personal experiences and applying what I was hearing to who and how I was within those experiences.

The recording discusses how we actually create consequences in our life to face based on, for example, deep-seated fears we may or may not even know we carry around with us. For me personally, I had repeating patterns of consequences in relationships, at work and in my family. I was able to get a clearer picture about how I had been basing life decisions on these fears that I was carrying around with me, by not looking at and never really facing them. I had been avoiding them, suppressing and avoiding experiences in my life because of this.

Eventually, I had some pretty big emotional and physical consequences play out in my life where what I was doing was placed squarely in front of me. I had the choice to continue living as I was living, or I could learn from what I had done and try a new, different way. This recording assisted and supported me to play back the experiences I have had to create awareness and understanding regarding exactly what I was experiencing and how I was creating it. It also provided some amazing steps, tips and tricks to avoid playing out the same pattern and consequences in the future.

Now I actually look forward to investigating the fears that come up during the day, and directing myself to face them before they turn into unavoidable consequences. I am eager to continue to develop the self-trust and self-honesty to be able to turn facing my fears into constructive instances of self-development!