Day 325 – The Promise of Justice

The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.

Finding My Self-Expression

One of the keys to releasing the accumulated energy of OCD has been to learn about and live self-expression. This self-expression as Who I Really Am, beneath the layers of anxiety, fear, anticipation, urgency, rush, avoidance, control and so many other internal experiences, seems to be buried so deep that I feel I cannot access it. 

The question I am left wondering is – Who Am I beyond or beneath OCD? It has become so much a part of what I do, how I behave and what I express that I have built an entire self-definition, self-image, self-identification and self-belief system around it. This has become integrated as fact, the reality of me so much so that it feels like I have to breathe and dig before I can find Who I Really Am, what I have to say, what I actually enjoy and like, and what expressions are Here for me in moments. 

It has become a moment-to-moment practice, to recognize what is Here for me and where it is coming from – it is a practice in self-awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling vulnerable in moments where I am expressing myself, where I bind my expression to others and in that, feel ‘hurt’ if my expression is seemingly ‘not accepted’, which indicates that what I was expressing was conditional, only allowed on the condition that it is accepted, ‘appreciated’, acknowledged, understood by those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions on my self-expression, abdicating my self-responsibility of Who I Am onto others, placing them in the position to ‘make’ me as my apparent self-expression feel accepted, comfortable and safe, instead of ME embracing and accepting myself – seeing and realizing that it is my own reactions that I am fearing, and so instead creating a safe space or safe haven within myself, and expressing me from there.

I forgive myself that I have not recognized the fact that if it is truly self-expression, it is Here regardless of how it is received – that simply does not matter or have a role in what or how I am expressing myself – except for practical assessments based in physical reality – understanding that I cannot always fully express myself in certain places or at certain times – withholding for practical reasons and not because of or due to internal reactions – wherein I can still recognize and see what is here for me, and can alter it if required, knowing that I am not compromising myself or my expression, but rather considering the Whole and everyone Here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that any reaction I am in will automatically contaminate my self-expression and so I should not speak, instead of trusting myself that I can correct my expression in the moments where I act, living self-forgiveness and self-correction within and through living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must ‘wait’ until I have no reactions within me before I speak or express, thinking and believing that only then, when I am completely clear and ‘pure’ – only then can I express me, not seeing or realizing that I will then wait forever, because unless I apply and correct – nothing will move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fearing self-expression, thinking and believing myself to have been ‘born in sin’ – where my self-expression is necessarily wrong and bad and must be contorted, controlled and altered to fit in to the acceptable standards, norm and culture of human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate for a moment before I express me, wherein, in that hesitation, instead of checking myself in a quantum moment as “placing a guard before my mouth”, I instead go into reaction and accept/allow myself to participate and then be over-taken by the reaction wherein I then suppress my self-expression in that moment, losing a moment forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing moments, instead of embracing all of me, including my mistakes, letting the moment go within remembering the lesson, and using the mis-take to learn and apply myself differently the next time, thus practicing and perfection my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my self-expression as ‘unsafe’, wherein I think I need a ‘safe’ environment in which to express me, thus limiting my self-expression to how I feel as my mood (DOOM) as feelings and emotions, thus once again placing conditions upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my self-expression and the self-expression of others as ‘unsafe’ because it is unpredictable, it is not something that can be controlled – and thus it is a threat to consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be consciousness, wherein when something ‘threatens’ consciousness existence and control, I feel as though ‘I’ am threatened as Who I Really Am, instead of seeing that it is the ‘I’ of the mind that is only required to step down, within the trust that ‘I’ as my stand as Who I Am, Where I Am and Why I am within my process of self-development (position and location) is willing and able to stand equally as I realize, develop, grow and create myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my self-expression, where there is an inherent blame, expectation and demand on my environment and those in it to do or be something FOR ME, within the misconception that something outside of myself must create, do or be something first, before I can express me Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame things outside of myself,

instead of trusting and honouring me as my expression.

Day 37 - Suppression

Day 37- Suppression

            I’m feeling quite ill tonight with what seems to be strep throat. I was given some perspective on this and it seems to be related to suppression, not speaking, not standing up for myself. When I look back on the past several weeks, I can see some instances when I could have stood up for myself more. When I look at why I don’t speak up/stand up for myself I see that I have this fear that, if I attempt to stand up for myself, but the other person doesn’t ‘submit’ or back down or listen to me, then I fall into the superiority/inferiority game where I end up submitting instead, and thus submitting myself instead of standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking/standing up for myself because I know that if it is no properly received, I will submit myself to the other.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself because I don’t want to hurt the other or make them submit, so instead I submit myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself through submitting myself for the sake of another, which takes place within a superiority/inferiority where I submit due to participation in inferiority, or superiority wherein I ‘do it for them, so as not to hurt them.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in superiority/inferiority games with other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to another due to fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to another within superiority, wherein I play the martyr and sacrifice myself for something outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for another instead of realizing I am not doing either of us any good within self-sacrifice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself through not speaking up and not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up and standing up for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I am confused and unclear in times where I am to stand up for myself, thus giving me the excuse to not stand 'because I don;t know where I stand.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for myself to not have to stand up.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see through the self-created fog that I manifest when I am feeling/being confronted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly when I am being confronted.


When and as I see myself in a situation where I should stand up for myself but instead desire to go into suppression I stop, and  i breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by reminding myself not to play polarity games of superiority/inferiority and right/wrong.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of fear to eventually be able to speak for myself and stand up for myself no matter what.

I commit myself to overcome and transcend all fear that is within me.

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself.