Finding My Self-Expression

One of the keys to releasing the accumulated energy of OCD has been to learn about and live self-expression. This self-expression as Who I Really Am, beneath the layers of anxiety, fear, anticipation, urgency, rush, avoidance, control and so many other internal experiences, seems to be buried so deep that I feel I cannot access it. 

The question I am left wondering is – Who Am I beyond or beneath OCD? It has become so much a part of what I do, how I behave and what I express that I have built an entire self-definition, self-image, self-identification and self-belief system around it. This has become integrated as fact, the reality of me so much so that it feels like I have to breathe and dig before I can find Who I Really Am, what I have to say, what I actually enjoy and like, and what expressions are Here for me in moments. 

It has become a moment-to-moment practice, to recognize what is Here for me and where it is coming from – it is a practice in self-awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling vulnerable in moments where I am expressing myself, where I bind my expression to others and in that, feel ‘hurt’ if my expression is seemingly ‘not accepted’, which indicates that what I was expressing was conditional, only allowed on the condition that it is accepted, ‘appreciated’, acknowledged, understood by those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions on my self-expression, abdicating my self-responsibility of Who I Am onto others, placing them in the position to ‘make’ me as my apparent self-expression feel accepted, comfortable and safe, instead of ME embracing and accepting myself – seeing and realizing that it is my own reactions that I am fearing, and so instead creating a safe space or safe haven within myself, and expressing me from there.

I forgive myself that I have not recognized the fact that if it is truly self-expression, it is Here regardless of how it is received – that simply does not matter or have a role in what or how I am expressing myself – except for practical assessments based in physical reality – understanding that I cannot always fully express myself in certain places or at certain times – withholding for practical reasons and not because of or due to internal reactions – wherein I can still recognize and see what is here for me, and can alter it if required, knowing that I am not compromising myself or my expression, but rather considering the Whole and everyone Here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that any reaction I am in will automatically contaminate my self-expression and so I should not speak, instead of trusting myself that I can correct my expression in the moments where I act, living self-forgiveness and self-correction within and through living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must ‘wait’ until I have no reactions within me before I speak or express, thinking and believing that only then, when I am completely clear and ‘pure’ – only then can I express me, not seeing or realizing that I will then wait forever, because unless I apply and correct – nothing will move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fearing self-expression, thinking and believing myself to have been ‘born in sin’ – where my self-expression is necessarily wrong and bad and must be contorted, controlled and altered to fit in to the acceptable standards, norm and culture of human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate for a moment before I express me, wherein, in that hesitation, instead of checking myself in a quantum moment as “placing a guard before my mouth”, I instead go into reaction and accept/allow myself to participate and then be over-taken by the reaction wherein I then suppress my self-expression in that moment, losing a moment forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing moments, instead of embracing all of me, including my mistakes, letting the moment go within remembering the lesson, and using the mis-take to learn and apply myself differently the next time, thus practicing and perfection my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my self-expression as ‘unsafe’, wherein I think I need a ‘safe’ environment in which to express me, thus limiting my self-expression to how I feel as my mood (DOOM) as feelings and emotions, thus once again placing conditions upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my self-expression and the self-expression of others as ‘unsafe’ because it is unpredictable, it is not something that can be controlled – and thus it is a threat to consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be consciousness, wherein when something ‘threatens’ consciousness existence and control, I feel as though ‘I’ am threatened as Who I Really Am, instead of seeing that it is the ‘I’ of the mind that is only required to step down, within the trust that ‘I’ as my stand as Who I Am, Where I Am and Why I am within my process of self-development (position and location) is willing and able to stand equally as I realize, develop, grow and create myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my self-expression, where there is an inherent blame, expectation and demand on my environment and those in it to do or be something FOR ME, within the misconception that something outside of myself must create, do or be something first, before I can express me Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame things outside of myself,

instead of trusting and honouring me as my expression.

Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment

This blog is continued from days 93- My name isKim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who AmI Really? (Layout), and:

 Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship- And that is the suprise, that is what is behind the reactions we experience to our names being spoken in different tonalities, it is the exposure to none but ourelves, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves, that no one else knows but us. We can be whoever we want in secret, so what does who we are in secret say about who we Really are?

Whatsoever is a secret now will be revealed eventually- might as well expose self to self in self-forgiveness so as not to have to face much nastiness later on.

Self-corrective statements (how I will change) for the self-forgiveness within yesterday's blog: Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship:


When and as I hear my name in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I stop the thought of someone staring me in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribl wrong, the thought of being in a waiting room, nervous, fearful and anxious, and the thought of a teacher’s face, looking at me from across the room. I bring myself back Here by reminding myself that these thoughts are not by my directive choice, but are popping up as if automatically, as I have programmed them into my memory, in order to keep me in fear and to remained enslaved to the automaticity of the mind, instead of being the directive principle of the mind.


When and as I create and manifest the experience of ‘having done something horribly wrong’ when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-directive principle by letting go of the emotional energy with breath, within the understanding that anything I’ve done horribly wrong, I will take responsibility for and direct until it is corrected.

When and as I see that the disappointment I hold in relation to my self-relationship, wherein, in private moment, I had done things that were less than Who I Am- when and as that comes up when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I am forgiven because I did not understand at the time what I was doing, but now that I see, realize and understand how the mind works in this way, I commit myself to, in private moments, not let myself down by being less than Who I Am, because I see, realize and understand that it will always ‘come back to haunt me’, by directing me as self-disappointment and fear of exposure in moments when I’m least expecting it.

Within this, I commit myself to push myself to walk through tasks and assignment that I’ve judged as hard, by taking them bit by bit, and asking for assistance when needed.
I commit myself to become one and equal to the tasks I do, wherein I stop judging them as ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, but instead walk through them and apply myself more or less as needed, without any additional judgment, ideas, self-definitions or beliefs.

When and as I see that I am facing a moment of challenge/opportunity where I see I can either push through or give up, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization and understanding that if I do not push through, I will inevitably face the same situation again later, wherein it will be harder, because not only will I have to face the challenge, but I will also have to face the fact that I had previously given up. I push myself to strengthen and grow by pushing myself through moments of wanting to give up, within the understanding that there really is no alternative.

When and as I see myself reacting to my name as if the reaction had been ‘done unto me’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-aware self-responsibility by looking at what the reaction is, and tracing it back to the point within my relationship to myself that I fear being exposed.

I commit myself to clear the relationship I have formed with myself, through self-investigation and self-forgiveness, within this:
I commit myself to re-create a relationship with myself that is self-honest and self-responsible wherein I always consider and act according to the principles of oneness and equality, and doing what’s best for all, as myself, as life.

When and as I see myself fearing self-exposure and waiting instead for ‘forced’ exposure, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by looking at the point within and as self-forgiveness; I simply forgive, understand, and script my self-change.

When and as I see myself waiting in fear and anticipation to be exposed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that no matter what is exposed, I will forgive, direct and correct it. I remind myself that only I am capable and responsible for doing this, thus no one outside of me has the power to ‘make’ me feel a certain way. I am responsible for MY mind.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in every moment possible, until, over time, I have cleared my self-relationship through self-forgiveness and self-change.


When and as I see myself reacting to my name being called in a certain specific tone triggering reactions within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am reacting to myself, which is separation from myself, so I embrace the reactions as one with me, I stop them as me, and I change them to breath- as myself as breath.

Day 33- Self-Expression Replacing 'Role-Playing'

            Looking at this point in self-honesty, I see how extensively I have constantly and continuously played roles for others, and its like- the more I care about them, the more I play the role. I can determine that I play specific ‘roles’ when I am in the presence of certain specific people, out of fear of self-expression,  in an attempt to control my environment- which I obviously can’t, and lastly, out of fear of hurting others. Self-forgiveness and self- corrective application are required here to assist and support me to walk through this ingrained pattern of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself in front of/around certain specific friends/family members, wherein I accept/allow an internal emotional experience to stop me from expressing myself, and I accept/allow the internal emotional experience of fear to cloud me to the point of not being able to see/realize who and how I am in the moment, thus I go to the ‘default’ of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the ‘default mode’ of role playing, instead of fearlessly expressing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am concerning myself with those around me, specifically certain specific friends/family members, instead of realizing that I am actually concerning myself with my self-reflection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my own self-reflection that these certain specific friends/family members are reflecting back to me in terms of the self-definitions and self-judgments I have created for myself when I am with them, by playing certain roles around them, which I think/believe will change the way I see myself when I am with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the self-definitions and self-judgments I accepted and allowed myself to create towards these certain specific friends/family members, wherein I believe it to be who I am, when in fact it has only ever been reactions created by me within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I can change the way I see myself, the way I am, or the definitions/self-judgments I experience towards myself by changing the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I can control the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any kind of values upon the way others see/perceive me within the understanding that I will never actually know how they see/perceive me, I will only chase clues from within their words/deeds and from that, develop a perception of how I think/believe they perceive me, which is obviously just me creating a self-perception through reflecting myself back to myself through these certain specific friends/family members.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-conscious about myself due to all the self-judgment I am exposing within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, wherein I see/realize how extensively I live within/as self-judgment.

When and as I see myself going into ‘role playing’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am only trying to manipulate my self-reflection, instead of realizing that I am right here already. I remind myself that I do not need to use others to see myself, but rather to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, so that I can bring myself back Here and walk from Here, in equality and oneness.

I commit myself to taking myself back from all the roles I have given myself to in unawareness/lack of awareness.

I commit myself to expressing me as who I direct myself to be

I commit myself to stopping all the roles I play/have played and developed for myself over time.