What is Gratitude: How I learned to be Grateful - My 'Positive Journal' Experience Day 2

I often become uncomfortable when people give me gifts or do things for me because I feel like there is a certain response I am then obliged to present in return. I never know if the giver of the gift or the doer of the favour is expecting this type of response or not, and there have been a few occasions where I was un-emotive about things I had received, and then those around me made it clear through jokes and comments, that this lack of a reaction on my behalf was unexpected and inappropriate. This made me feel ashamed and ungrateful as I had not had a certain positive feeling experience within myself that I was apparently supposed to have.

What I did over time to cope with this dynamic was to fake the positive feeling experience with my sound, my smile and my words - and each time I did this, I felt like I was betraying some part of me, presenting the false front to the gift giver in order to manipulate them into also now having a positive feeling of being appreciated, whatever other rewards as positive experience one might expect   when giving a gift.

In my 'Positive Journal' today I was asked to list three big things I am grateful for. Immediately I was struck by an emptiness, a feeling of 'the expectation to feel something I don't actually feel' and the burden to now conjure up some emotion, which often makes me feel like I 'm somehow cheating on myself through betraying myself and what I am actually going through. I thought to myself, "how ungrateful am I? How spoiled must I be to feel such little gratitude for anything at all? So I stopped in order to ask myself, "What is gratitude to me?".

I looked up the word 'gratitude' and found that most definitions in fact did involve invoking some kind of positive feeling, and some kind of giving back in return - which is exactly how I had been unsuccessfully living the word gratitude, where my living of the word means the the 'giving' is never unconditional, because as soon as I live 'gratitude' that means I must now do/be something in return, and if not then the whole thing is a bust and a disappointment. So I see that I had been living the system-accepted, consciousness version of the word gratitude, but I knew within myself that there was more to it than that.

So I took a moment, silenced my mind, and brought through MY experience of 'gratitude' up into my body, and I just sat with it. What came up was not a positive feeling at all - it was as if a bottomless abyss opened up right in the core of me, and I was deeply humbled at the vastness and expansiveness of this space, like falling forever, knowing there is nothing I could ever do to fill this space or close it up - that an attempt to repay or match the things I am grateful for would be so futile and silly, like trying to fill the ocean with a teaspoon - and yet within it all was also a deep and profound sense of shame.

As I sat with this, an image of my family popped into my head. I was reminded of the process of forgiveness and self-forgiveness I had walked over the years using the Desteni tools in relation to my family, wherein I worked on releasing the emotional points I had been holding in place since I was very young. This means, not only forgiving the family member, but also forgiving myself mostly in terms of the role I played in the creation and holding on to the point, keeping it in place not only for myself, but for everyone.

What had emerged afterwards in working with this family-point was again a deep sense of shame and humility, as I could then more clearly see not only the sacrifice my parents went through to raise me, put a roof over my head, feed me, send me to school, take care of my health, my teeth, etc... but also how they had consistently over time, been there for me, even when they didn't necessarily agree with the paths I had chosen. I always felt so secure in knowing that, no matter what happened in my life, I would have a warm bed to sleep in and a meal to eat in my parent's home, so secure in fact, that it never even occurred to me that it could be any other way, and so I never even explored being grateful for it.

From this new position came 'appreciation' - which is a recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something, as well as a full understanding of a situation. After having walked a process of self-forgiveness, and within that also forgiving others, I was able to more clearly understand the entire situation, and recognize and enjoy those qualities in my parents that they lived in order to bring up a family and a daughter in this world, giving me a foundation from which to stand.

The next step I took in walking this process of forgiveness/self-forgiveness leading to gratitude towards my parents, was to express it to them, tell them about it, let them know what I see and how I experience it. Not in a big emotional show or display of affection, but in normal, natural moments when it would come up in me in moments spent with them, or maybe in a card, or over the phone. Not all at once, but bit-by-bit, over time, taking my time with each piece, carefully forming it within myself, wherein it then became easily articulated it in moments of opportunity, where it was so unconditional, so natural, easy and flowing, that they may not have even recognized it as gratitude until later upon reflection, that is, if it even occurred to them to reflect upon it! But that doesn't even matter, because I was speaking unconditionally something that was already whole within myself, that didn't require recognition or validation from another to complete. I think the sharing of gratitude is important, because oftentimes when people do not take the time to recognize, appreciate and live gratitude towards people in their lives, or don't speak or express it, often live with great regret if that person leaves their lives or passes away.

So builds my living definition of the word 'grateful', now with the words: 'humility' and 'recognition', 'unconditional', 'appreciation', 'enjoyment', 'sharing' and even, maybe surprisingly: 'shame'.

And so, my living re-definition of 'Gratitude' is:

To humbly and unconditionally recognize and share the appreciation and enjoyment in relation to the act of giving and/or receiving.  With 'shame' acting as that reminder of how little gratitude and unconditional giving/receiving actually exists in this world and within ourselves, even towards ourselves. Until that time where unconditional living exists, for me personally, I will always be reminded of my own shame, using it constructively to support me in my personal process of change.

In terms of what I wrote in my journal for the three big things I am most grateful for, after having re-defined the living word, here it is:

I am grateful for my family and everything they have done to support me to be able to be here.

I am grateful for the fact the Desteni exists, and to everything and everyone that made/makes it possible.

I am grateful for the Physical/Life/the Animals/Mother Nature/the Sky for being Here unconditionally, and for standing for and as Life.

Day 55- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' - Self-Corrective Statements

This blog is a continuation of the explanation of the character I play out in my life of the 'annoyed daughter,' as well as self-forgiveness statements which reveal why and how I developed this character.

Continued from Day 54- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter'?

Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ which is indicated to me by the red flags of finding myself annoyed by my parents, looking for inability, viewing them as old/aging and finding myself worried about their capabilities etc… I STOP and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence by breathing through the reactions and reminding myself that who I am is not a character, reacting within character such as the ‘annoyed daughter’ reacting within annoyance. Who I am is Here, breathing, self-responsible, living, dealing with the actual reality of the situation, and not with the issues and reactions of an illusionary character trying to believe or perceive herself to be a certain way.

I commit myself to breathing through my cast of characters instead of participating within and as them, thus living myself Here as breath instead of there as character.

When and as I see that I am acting out a character which I have defined as responsible and mature I stop, and I breather. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that all I ever can be is me Here, and as soon as I desire to be ‘more than’ what I am by acting it out instead of actually practically changing myself, I am only behaving self-dishoneslty thus creating myself as only a limited character of the mind, instead of a whole expansive being here in reality.

I commit myself to stop living the con of characters in order to CONvince myself that I am a certain way, such as responsible and mature, and to instead Live and create who I am in self-honesty, based upon the principles of equality and oneness.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself by going into character in order to convince myself that I have changed, matured, become a responsible human being I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization of the importance of actually getting to know myself and who and what I am, and directing myself to be and become a mature and responsible human being, equal and one in FACT: in living application according to writing myself out and cross-referencing my writing with others who are willing to call me out if necessary, such as the Desteni community.

I commit myself to stop manipulating myself in order to play-act that I am something that I am not yet, and to become and realize my full potential through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application until I am equal to and one with all that is Here.

When and as I see that I am altering myself to fit into a predefined character in order to create the perception that I think/believe/perceive I require to be acceptable/desirable by myself/others I stop, and I breathe, I walk myself out of the character and back to physical reality by reminding myself that who I Am Here is already enough, and that playing false roles actually diminishes myself further and creates self-dishonest relationships that do not support me, but rather support my mind/ego/separation.

When and as I see that I am existing within and as chracters instead of existing as self-expression in the moment I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that Who I Am Here can be grown and expanded while who I am as a character will only ever become more and more limited.

For more context, check out:

 http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-51-moving-through-my-characters.html

and: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-80-creating-character.html

To learn how to write out your own characters, visit the forums at www.desteni.org

Day 33- Self-Expression Replacing 'Role-Playing'

            Looking at this point in self-honesty, I see how extensively I have constantly and continuously played roles for others, and its like- the more I care about them, the more I play the role. I can determine that I play specific ‘roles’ when I am in the presence of certain specific people, out of fear of self-expression,  in an attempt to control my environment- which I obviously can’t, and lastly, out of fear of hurting others. Self-forgiveness and self- corrective application are required here to assist and support me to walk through this ingrained pattern of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself in front of/around certain specific friends/family members, wherein I accept/allow an internal emotional experience to stop me from expressing myself, and I accept/allow the internal emotional experience of fear to cloud me to the point of not being able to see/realize who and how I am in the moment, thus I go to the ‘default’ of role-playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the ‘default mode’ of role playing, instead of fearlessly expressing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am concerning myself with those around me, specifically certain specific friends/family members, instead of realizing that I am actually concerning myself with my self-reflection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my own self-reflection that these certain specific friends/family members are reflecting back to me in terms of the self-definitions and self-judgments I have created for myself when I am with them, by playing certain roles around them, which I think/believe will change the way I see myself when I am with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the self-definitions and self-judgments I accepted and allowed myself to create towards these certain specific friends/family members, wherein I believe it to be who I am, when in fact it has only ever been reactions created by me within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I can change the way I see myself, the way I am, or the definitions/self-judgments I experience towards myself by changing the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I can control the way others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any kind of values upon the way others see/perceive me within the understanding that I will never actually know how they see/perceive me, I will only chase clues from within their words/deeds and from that, develop a perception of how I think/believe they perceive me, which is obviously just me creating a self-perception through reflecting myself back to myself through these certain specific friends/family members.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-conscious about myself due to all the self-judgment I am exposing within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, wherein I see/realize how extensively I live within/as self-judgment.

When and as I see myself going into ‘role playing’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am only trying to manipulate my self-reflection, instead of realizing that I am right here already. I remind myself that I do not need to use others to see myself, but rather to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, so that I can bring myself back Here and walk from Here, in equality and oneness.

I commit myself to taking myself back from all the roles I have given myself to in unawareness/lack of awareness.

I commit myself to expressing me as who I direct myself to be

I commit myself to stopping all the roles I play/have played and developed for myself over time.