Looking at this character I play when I am in the presence of my parents, I see it as a very typical character. I experience it almost as a ‘rite of passage’ because, in looking at the character as I remember having seen it in and as others, I have defined it as an indication of having attained a certain level of maturity. I can remember when I was younger and often existed as the role of ‘dependent child,’ I would look at adults with aging parents and watch as they cared for them or spoke about their situation. It was as if the roles of parent and child had reversed, like it had as my grandparents died. I saw the children now taking care of the parents and, as I was growing up, I couldn’t fathom that kind of maturity and responsibility. I held my parents on a pedestal and believed I needed them to walk me through life and take care of me. A part of me resented this dependency, so a part of me was in awe of ever thinking that one day I too may experience the parent-child role reversal. I now see how, over time I have integrated the behavior I observed into and as myself, as if preparing myself for this shift that may one day happen. Now that I am grown and completely capable, I find myself reacting to and towards my parents in the slightly annoyed yet patient and understanding demeanor that I observed throughout my life, especially within and as my own parents towards their parents as they were ailing and aging.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of the ‘annoyed daughter,’ because of the subconscious belief that it makes me responsible and mature, because that is how I judged others when I observed the behavior within and as them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I require to define myself by acting out certain characters, such as the ‘annoyed daughter,’ in order to CONvince myself that I am a certain way which I desire to be, specifically responsible and mature, instead of simply existing in the moment within and as self-responsibility, which is the living application of responsibility and maturity ( I will redefine these words to living words in posts to come).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to CONvince myself that I am responsible and mature because that is self-manipulation with a dishonest starting point that allows me, excuses me and validates me to exist without actually changing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as a character because I desire to perceive myself, as well as be perceived by others, as being a certain way which I have defined as acceptable and desirable, based on the accumulation of observations, judgments, knowledge and information from my environment over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as characters instead of existing as myself, as self-expression in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be ‘more than’ what I am through wanting/needing/desiring to own and control my self-definitions as characters that I can go into and out of whenever I want in order to manipulate my internal experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/perceive myself to be the ‘annoyed daughter’ as a character I have created over time, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge an act within and as such a role in order to make myself feel better about myself, instead of just being okay with who and how I am living, and taking the self-responsibility to change those parts of me that I am not ok with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value perceiving myself as the ‘annoyed daughter’ who Is so responsible and mature rather than valuing what I actually am and what I am living, wherein, within this valuation I take care of who and what I am and that which I am actually living by writing it out, paying attention, being aware and taking responsibility for it.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that the ‘annoyed daughter’ character is only a make-believe character that is not real and is not, nor has ever been who I really am. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the ‘annoyed daughter’ character as if it were real, giving it energy as attention and making it real-thus abdicating myself to a character based on a ‘good/satisfied feeling’ instead of directing myself to live from a starting point of principle: the principle of doing what’s best for all, within the understanding that we are all one and equal therefore what’s best for all is best for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my parents within and as annoyance, because of a character I am playing, instead of living and interacting with my parents as my equals.
Self-Corrective and self-commitment statements to follow in the next blog.
For further context on character creation, check out these other blogs:
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