I was helping my mom clean up
after dinner, and she was very tired. I wanted to be a help within what I was
doing, as I saw she was observably tired. Within self-honesty, I saw I was looking for
appreciation, so when my mom instead gave me some instructions, I reacted
within myself. I felt very angry, but pushed it down and breathed, and followed
her instructions, which were about how to put leftovers in a container. I find,
even as a grown woman, I sometimes react as a child within myself when and as I
am in the presence of parental figures. This is obviously ridiculous and not
beneficial to me or anyone in any way whatsoever, so I am going to write out
this experience to find the root cause, in order to uproot it from within and
as myself, so that I can grow from new roots which I decide myself, instead of
roots grounded in years of childish reactions, suppressions, self-programming,
memories, emotions and feelings etc… Herein, I have discovered another
character that I play, that of the ‘child.’ Within and as this character I am
dependent, needy of validation and approval from parental figures, I am
extremely sensitive to the behaviours of parental figures as I interpret them
as always having to do with me- thus taking them personally as I interpret them
this way and that, thus sending myself on a rollercoaster ride of reactions
when and as I am in the presence of any such parental figures.
Keeping in mind- this has nothing to do with my actual mom/parents/people.
My writing here is concerned only with the perception I have created
over time, as I experienced myself as a child right through till this very
moment. This perception is based on my own interpretation of behaviours situations and events, which,
as will be revealed within the following writing, has nothing to do with the actual
reality, and has only to do with what I have accepted and allowed within my own
mind, which happened to be revealed to me in a simple situation with my mom, one that did
not merit any type of reaction, but a reaction came up from within me- thus I know it is an illusion ithat has influenced me and it has to be
investigated.
Identifying the trigger points:
Trigger-point 1: voice tonality
Trigger-point 2: giving of instructions on/about a task
Trigger-point 1: Voice tonality
Reaction A: Anger. Thought: The person is not paying attention to
what they are saying to me. If he/she were more aware of how she/he speaks to me/what
he/she says to me she/he would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant
instruction.
Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought:
The person is on auto pilot- not present with me
Reaction C: Frustration. Thought: The person is trying to ‘help’
me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness,
instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the
reality of the situation.
Reaction D: Anger. Thought: as my creator he/she should apply
him-/herself to the utmost to be present and aware with me, and do everything in his/her
power to support me to empower myself and grow.
Reaction E: Anger, Thought: The person
sounds so sleepy, like he/she just wants to go to bed, yet feels he/she has to
help me clean up, instead of taking care of him-/herself and going to bed,
exerting his-/herself to instruct me, as if I can’t do it on my own. He/She is putting
his-/herself last and placing being responsible for others else before his/her own
wellbeing.
Trigger-point 2: The giving of instructions on/about a task.
Reactions:
Reaction F: Anger: Thought: She always gives me instructions,
which make me feel undermined as she makes the statement that she does not
believe I can do it on my own.
Reaction G: Anger: Thought: She doesn’t see my as an
adult, my accomplishments and capabilities, she must see me as a child
requiring instruction for even the smallest things.
Reaction H: Resent: Thought: She does not appreciate what
I’m trying to do for her in terms of helping out around the house, instead she
feels as though I shouldn’t help and she should do everything and be responsible
for everything.\
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Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...
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Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...
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