Day 57- Am I But a Reactive Child Trapped in a Woman's Body?

I was helping my mom clean up after dinner, and she was very tired. I wanted to be a help within what I was doing, as I saw she was observably tired. Within self-honesty, I saw I was looking for appreciation, so when my mom instead gave me some instructions, I reacted within myself. I felt very angry, but pushed it down and breathed, and followed her instructions, which were about how to put leftovers in a container. I find, even as a grown woman, I sometimes react as a child within myself when and as I am in the presence of parental figures. This is obviously ridiculous and not beneficial to me or anyone in any way whatsoever, so I am going to write out this experience to find the root cause, in order to uproot it from within and as myself, so that I can grow from new roots which I decide myself, instead of roots grounded in years of childish reactions, suppressions, self-programming, memories, emotions and feelings etc… Herein, I have discovered another character that I play, that of the ‘child.’ Within and as this character I am dependent, needy of validation and approval from parental figures, I am extremely sensitive to the behaviours of parental figures as I interpret them as always having to do with me- thus taking them personally as I interpret them this way and that, thus sending myself on a rollercoaster ride of reactions when and as I am in the presence of any such parental figures.

Keeping in mind- this has nothing to do with my actual mom/parents/people. My writing here is concerned only with the perception I have created over time, as I experienced myself as a child right through till this very moment. This perception is based on my own interpretation of behaviours situations and events, which, as will be revealed within the following writing, has nothing to do with the actual reality, and has only to do with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind, which happened to be revealed to me in a simple situation with my mom, one that did not merit any type of reaction, but a reaction came up from within me- thus I know it is an illusion ithat has influenced me and it has to be investigated.

Identifying the trigger points:

Trigger-point 1: voice tonality

Trigger-point 2: giving of instructions on/about a task

Trigger-point 1: Voice tonality

Reactions:

The following reactions are self-projections, wherein I am projecting myself on to a parental figure instead of taking responsibility for myself in the moment. This will be elaborated upon in the next two posts. For now I reveal what it is I am projecting on to another being by writing out my back chat, in order that I may, in the next two posts, take it back to myself so that I can take responsibility for it and stop projecting- rather taking self-responsibility in each moment.

Reaction A:  Anger. Thought: The person is not paying attention to what they are saying to me. If he/she were more aware of how she/he speaks to me/what he/she says to me she/he would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant instruction.

Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought: The person is on auto pilot- not present with me

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: The person is trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

Reaction D:  Anger. Thought: as my creator he/she should apply him-/herself to the utmost to be present and aware with me, and do everything in his/her power to support me to empower myself and grow.

Reaction E: Anger, Thought: The person sounds so sleepy, like he/she just wants to go to bed, yet feels he/she has to help me clean up, instead of taking care of him-/herself and going to bed, exerting his-/herself to instruct me, as if I can’t do it on my own. He/She is putting his-/herself last and placing being responsible for others else before his/her own wellbeing.

 

Trigger-point 2:  The giving of instructions on/about a task.

Reactions: 

Reaction F:  Anger: Thought: She always gives me instructions, which make me feel undermined as she makes the statement that she does not believe I can do it on my own.

Reaction G:  Anger: Thought: She doesn’t see my as an adult, my accomplishments and capabilities, she must see me as a child requiring instruction for even the smallest things.

Reaction H:  Resent: Thought: She does not appreciate what I’m trying to do for her in terms of helping out around the house, instead she feels as though I shouldn’t help and she should do everything and be responsible for everything.\

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Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...

Day 55- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' - Self-Corrective Statements

This blog is a continuation of the explanation of the character I play out in my life of the 'annoyed daughter,' as well as self-forgiveness statements which reveal why and how I developed this character.

Continued from Day 54- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter'?

Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ which is indicated to me by the red flags of finding myself annoyed by my parents, looking for inability, viewing them as old/aging and finding myself worried about their capabilities etc… I STOP and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence by breathing through the reactions and reminding myself that who I am is not a character, reacting within character such as the ‘annoyed daughter’ reacting within annoyance. Who I am is Here, breathing, self-responsible, living, dealing with the actual reality of the situation, and not with the issues and reactions of an illusionary character trying to believe or perceive herself to be a certain way.

I commit myself to breathing through my cast of characters instead of participating within and as them, thus living myself Here as breath instead of there as character.

When and as I see that I am acting out a character which I have defined as responsible and mature I stop, and I breather. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that all I ever can be is me Here, and as soon as I desire to be ‘more than’ what I am by acting it out instead of actually practically changing myself, I am only behaving self-dishoneslty thus creating myself as only a limited character of the mind, instead of a whole expansive being here in reality.

I commit myself to stop living the con of characters in order to CONvince myself that I am a certain way, such as responsible and mature, and to instead Live and create who I am in self-honesty, based upon the principles of equality and oneness.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself by going into character in order to convince myself that I have changed, matured, become a responsible human being I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization of the importance of actually getting to know myself and who and what I am, and directing myself to be and become a mature and responsible human being, equal and one in FACT: in living application according to writing myself out and cross-referencing my writing with others who are willing to call me out if necessary, such as the Desteni community.

I commit myself to stop manipulating myself in order to play-act that I am something that I am not yet, and to become and realize my full potential through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application until I am equal to and one with all that is Here.

When and as I see that I am altering myself to fit into a predefined character in order to create the perception that I think/believe/perceive I require to be acceptable/desirable by myself/others I stop, and I breathe, I walk myself out of the character and back to physical reality by reminding myself that who I Am Here is already enough, and that playing false roles actually diminishes myself further and creates self-dishonest relationships that do not support me, but rather support my mind/ego/separation.

When and as I see that I am existing within and as chracters instead of existing as self-expression in the moment I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that Who I Am Here can be grown and expanded while who I am as a character will only ever become more and more limited.

For more context, check out:

 http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-51-moving-through-my-characters.html

and: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-80-creating-character.html

To learn how to write out your own characters, visit the forums at www.desteni.org