Day 59- Am I But a Reactive Child Trapped Within A Woman's Body (self-forgiveness continued)

This is a continuation from my last two blogs. The first describes the situation, the second begins the self-forgiveness statements.

Self-Forgiveness on Reaction B:

Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought: He/She is on auto pilot- not even present with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to/towards a parental figure when I perceive him/her to be on ‘autopilot’ because I take it personally when he/she behaves in this way because I assume it is about me: that he/she is behaving this way because of how he/she feels about me or how important I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based upon how I perceive a parental figure to feel about me and how important I am, as if he/she has the sole power over my value, worth and importance, instead of giving myself that power, and giving myself the value, worth and importance that is equal to and one with all that is Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I perceive a parental figure to be distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the amount of attention a parental figure gives to me is equal to and indicative of my value, worth and/or importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-judgment on to parental figures when I perceive them to be on ‘autopilot’ wherein I perceive them to be occupied in the mind and not present Here with me, which is really me judging myself for my own lack of presence wherein I am not Here with myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within annoyance to my the self-judgement that I project on to and towards parental figures, instead of realizing that I am looking into a mirror reflection of myself, and taking that moment as an opportunity to see what I have accepted and allowed, in order that I may change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as annoyance to the thought that when a parental figure is on auto pilot and is not present with me it is personal and corresponds to my value, wherein I am apparently not valued enough to be Here with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not even yet able to be Here with myself, thus do not live my self-value as Life within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within annoyance when a parental figure reflects me back to myself, instead of taking responsibility for myself and directing myself to Here in every moment, operating wholly in every moment within presence and awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value upon how a parental figure acts towards me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become annoyed when he/she does not validate the characters that I have created and prefer, he/she rather validates the characters I no longer associate with and have thus supressed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as annoyance at the fact that my a parental figure’s tone of voice can trigger myself to become a character which I have judged, thus I end up judging myself when I exist within and as this character, which I think/believe/perceive I have no control over stepping into/out of, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application I can effectively delete this character from within and as me I order to eventually delete all my characters and walk Here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the character of ‘poor, neglected child’ to exist within and as me- which I created and manifested because of and due to years of interpreting other’s behaviour from the starting point of taking it all personally. So instead of seeing/realizing/understanding the situation in this world and the enslavement of mankind by simply observing myself and seeing within myself how I am/was in fact enslaved, I perceived reality instead as my movie where I am the star character and everything is about me- thus when others did not treat me like the star I developed this character to avoid seeing/realizing/understanding myself and others and kept myself enslaved and limited to limitless characters of and as myself as the mind.

Day 57- Am I But a Reactive Child Trapped in a Woman's Body?

I was helping my mom clean up after dinner, and she was very tired. I wanted to be a help within what I was doing, as I saw she was observably tired. Within self-honesty, I saw I was looking for appreciation, so when my mom instead gave me some instructions, I reacted within myself. I felt very angry, but pushed it down and breathed, and followed her instructions, which were about how to put leftovers in a container. I find, even as a grown woman, I sometimes react as a child within myself when and as I am in the presence of parental figures. This is obviously ridiculous and not beneficial to me or anyone in any way whatsoever, so I am going to write out this experience to find the root cause, in order to uproot it from within and as myself, so that I can grow from new roots which I decide myself, instead of roots grounded in years of childish reactions, suppressions, self-programming, memories, emotions and feelings etc… Herein, I have discovered another character that I play, that of the ‘child.’ Within and as this character I am dependent, needy of validation and approval from parental figures, I am extremely sensitive to the behaviours of parental figures as I interpret them as always having to do with me- thus taking them personally as I interpret them this way and that, thus sending myself on a rollercoaster ride of reactions when and as I am in the presence of any such parental figures.

Keeping in mind- this has nothing to do with my actual mom/parents/people. My writing here is concerned only with the perception I have created over time, as I experienced myself as a child right through till this very moment. This perception is based on my own interpretation of behaviours situations and events, which, as will be revealed within the following writing, has nothing to do with the actual reality, and has only to do with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind, which happened to be revealed to me in a simple situation with my mom, one that did not merit any type of reaction, but a reaction came up from within me- thus I know it is an illusion ithat has influenced me and it has to be investigated.

Identifying the trigger points:

Trigger-point 1: voice tonality

Trigger-point 2: giving of instructions on/about a task

Trigger-point 1: Voice tonality

Reactions:

The following reactions are self-projections, wherein I am projecting myself on to a parental figure instead of taking responsibility for myself in the moment. This will be elaborated upon in the next two posts. For now I reveal what it is I am projecting on to another being by writing out my back chat, in order that I may, in the next two posts, take it back to myself so that I can take responsibility for it and stop projecting- rather taking self-responsibility in each moment.

Reaction A:  Anger. Thought: The person is not paying attention to what they are saying to me. If he/she were more aware of how she/he speaks to me/what he/she says to me she/he would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant instruction.

Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought: The person is on auto pilot- not present with me

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: The person is trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

Reaction D:  Anger. Thought: as my creator he/she should apply him-/herself to the utmost to be present and aware with me, and do everything in his/her power to support me to empower myself and grow.

Reaction E: Anger, Thought: The person sounds so sleepy, like he/she just wants to go to bed, yet feels he/she has to help me clean up, instead of taking care of him-/herself and going to bed, exerting his-/herself to instruct me, as if I can’t do it on my own. He/She is putting his-/herself last and placing being responsible for others else before his/her own wellbeing.

 

Trigger-point 2:  The giving of instructions on/about a task.

Reactions: 

Reaction F:  Anger: Thought: She always gives me instructions, which make me feel undermined as she makes the statement that she does not believe I can do it on my own.

Reaction G:  Anger: Thought: She doesn’t see my as an adult, my accomplishments and capabilities, she must see me as a child requiring instruction for even the smallest things.

Reaction H:  Resent: Thought: She does not appreciate what I’m trying to do for her in terms of helping out around the house, instead she feels as though I shouldn’t help and she should do everything and be responsible for everything.\

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Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...