Friday, July 13, 2012

Day 58- Am I a but a Reactive Child Trapped in a Woman's Body (Self-Forgiveness)



This post is a continuation from yesterday's blog which describes the situation I reacted within. This reaction reflected me to myself, showing me the character of a 'child' that I have accepted and allowed myself to play, which limits and diminishes me, and stops me from growing and expanding as a human being. In yesterday's post I described the reactions I had to two trigger points. The reactions are my 'back chat' which is like the secret little voice in the head. This voice can be quite evil and vindictive, it can be self-defeating and manipulative, or it can inflate one's ego within delusions of granduer (click here to read about my own ersonal experience with back chat). Within exposing this voice and not believing it, but instead taking responsiblity for it by tracing it back to the roots from where it began, I stop it from influencing me in any way whatsoever. The absolute empowerment of taking control of this voice in the head, and taking back Self from the mind, is an endeavor I would highly recommend everyone take a go at- to see how far one can actually expand when one is no longer limiting oneself-- quite amazing.




Continuing from the last post, I begin herewith:

Self-forgiveness on the trigger points:



Self-Forgiveness on Trigger-Point 1: voice tonality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the tone of a parental figure’s voice, specifically when I perceive tiredness and aloofness within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the tone of a parental figure’s voice to act as a trigger point within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the trigger of/as the tone of a parental figure’s voice to exist within and as me, which triggers me to react within and as anger, frustration and resent..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the trigger point of the tone of a parental figure’s voice when I perceive ‘aloofness’ within it, which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use as a trigger to generate the emotional energetic experiences of anger, frustration and resent within and as me.





Self-Forgiveness on Trigger-Point 2: The giving of instructions on/about a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a parental figure  gives me instructions explaining how to do a task, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react even more intensely when the task is a simple one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the giving of instruction from a parental figure to act as a trigger point within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the trigger point of/as a parental figure giving me instructions to exist within and as me, which triggers me to react within and as anger, frustration and resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the trigger point of a parental figure giving me instructions, which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize to generate the energetic experiences of anger, frustration and resent within and as me.



Self-forgiveness on the reactions:



Self-Forgiveness on Reaction A:

Reaction A:  Anger. Thought: She’s not paying attention to what she’s saying to me. If she were more aware of how she speaks to me/what she says to me she would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant instruction.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react in anger, triggered by the tone of a parental figure’s voice, because I think/believe/perceive that he/she is not paying attention to me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when I think, believe and/or perceive that a parental figure is not paying attention to me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when I think, believe, and/or perceive that a parental figure is not paying attention to me because I think/believe that if they are not paying attention to me it means they do not care about me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a parental figure not caring about me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-care outside of myself, and into and as parental figures, wherein I look for it to be expressed by them towards me, instead of bringing it back to myself by actually practically living self-care, starting by paying attention to myself and my physical body, for example.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire  parental figures to care about me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire parental figures to be more aware of how they speak to me an what they say to me, instead of realizing that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to myself by expecting the way they listen and speak to me to change how I feel about myself.



I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be more aware of how I speak to myself and what I say to myself within and as my mind, as the voice in my head and myself as backchat, which affects who and how I am, wherein I have looked for others such as parental figures to be more aware of how they speak to me and what they say instead of me doing the very same thing with, as and for myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire parental figures to perceive me as an adult, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire them to show and demonstrate their perception of me as an adult and not a child by speaking to me as what I perceive to be how they would would speak to an adult.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require the validation of parental figures that I am not longer an irresponsible child that requires constant instruction.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an irresponsible child that requires constant instruction.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way where I did not move myself and thus essentially trained those whose care I was in to have to either do things for me or instruct me to do them, wherein I developed and anger, resentment and frustration with myself for not moving me, so that I now project that anger, frustration and resent on to others when and as I am reminded that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become an irresponsible being that does not move herself and requires instructions.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become an irresponsible being that does not move herself, but rather waits for specific instructions in order to start moving, or who waits for consequences before moving me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as laziness.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and resentful towards myself for participating within and as laziness.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an irresponsible child in need of instruction because I have participated within and as the habit and pattern of laziness.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to parental figures the anger, resent and frustration I have experienced toward myself, when they treat me in a way that reflects my acceptances and allowances back to me, instead of taking responsibility for myself and the laziness and lack of self-movement by walking out of the patterns and habits I have thus far lived, and into and as self-movement and self-responsibility.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to/towards parental figures when they give me instructions, by taking it personally instead of considering their process and who and how they are and why and how they behave the way they do and the role I have played within it, and how I can now support myself and them within and through our interactions together.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that what parental figures say to me determines who and how I am.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested a character for myself to play, wherein I act as the ‘frustrated child,’ being constantly held back and misunderstood by the parent- wherein, instead of standing up and taking responsibility for myself, my reactions and my behaviour, I instead ‘helplessly’ fall into this character as if it dictates me and as if I had no part in creating it, but am instead a slave to it/controlled by it.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a character that traps me into reactions of anger and frustration towards parental figures, and complaining about how they are and what they do to me, instead of standing up within and as myself in the presence of any and all parental figures in order that I may walk out of my character and into Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and continuously participated within a character of a young helpless child that is lost in the world and needs constant guidance because she cannot fend for herself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that over the years I have become self-sufficient and independent and this character is no longer relevant or valid nor was it ever necessary.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger at parental figures when they give me instruction because I have accepted and allowed such behaviour to send me into a character that is dependant and helpless and, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I do not have control over the characters I become within the belief that I am dependent upon them/helpless within them, instead of realizing that I am the creator of them and am equal to and one with them and thus have the power to stop and delete them from within and as me by stopping my participation within them and my acceptance and allowance of them.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the character as myself as a child in need of constant instruction because it was easier than standing up within myself, and taking responsibility for myself without anybody having to ask me or tell me to.

More to come...

For now, check out: Day 90 - Self Defeating Character -Paul Quessy
Desteni- www.desteni.org
Equal Money, Equal Life - www.equalmoney.org
Change starts from within, where nothing is stopping you but you.


 

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