Day 136- Why Do We Fear Making the Genuine Decision to Change?

          Within this blog I am exploring the self-compromise I have accepted and allowed in my life due to sub-consciously sabotaging myself in so many ways. I do this because it creates chaos in my world from which I can cry ‘helplessness’, thus giving myself the excuse to not have to stand up and face reality, and not have to stand up and change for real.

This blog is continued from Day 135- Stop, and Change, where I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements that allowed me to put my guard down and dig a little deeper into this sub-conscious self-manipulation. The realizations that have been coming forth within this process of writing explain SOOO much of why things just seem to ‘never work out’ for me, and these are points of sub-conscious doings that I missed within my entire series of writing out my troubles at school. However, within that series I exposed myself to myself in so many ways and peeled back some top layers so that I am now here, at this point, where I am seeing the nitty-gritty details of the lies I have been living. 

Small lies, probably millions of them told only to myself, mostly affecting no one directly but myself, and creating a crumbling foundation from which building strength, integrity, will-power and stability would be impossible. Now I simply have to take it all down and start again in such a way where I am honest with myself and who and how I really am, so that the foundation of Who I Am is something I can build into something I can trust and depend on. This can only be proven to me, by me, over time.

          Below are the self-commitment statements and self-corrective application statements that I have derived from the self-forgiveness statements in my previous blog. 

          The self-forgiveness statements expose me to myself in such a way that I can handle it because it is done within forgiveness, within the understanding that from here on out I will stop these ways, and change them. The self-commitment and self-corrective application statements assist and support me to practically script myself out, because in changing one has nothing to refer to or fall back on when difficult moments arise. If  don’t script myself out, I will not be able to trust myself to see, realize, understand, stop and change all in one moment- Especially because that ‘one moment’ is the ‘moment of truth’. It is the moment where everything is coming together and old patterns and habits kick in automatically and with a vengeance  In that moment it is too easy to become confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, give up and fall back in to my old ways. It is simply too easy to do so if I don’t have a plan, a practical script that I wrote by myself, for myself, in a way that I understand exactly what’s going on and what would be the absolute best and most practical thing for me to do, or action for me to take, that will lead to, over time, creating results that support me and that are best for me in my life. Thus over time, creating a ‘me’ that I can depend on and trust.

I commit myself to stop feeding my addiction to the energetic experience of control by stopping myself in those moments where I see that I am participating in self-sabotage which slowly over time, moment by moment, creates a lack of control in my life and world, and I know very well when those moments are, and I commit myself to looking at myself self-honestly so that I can identify those moments with clarity, directness and assertiveness.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-sabotage that leads to loss of control (giving up on tasks/not seeing things through, ignoring issues, procrastinating, taking too long/being late ec…) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to assertiveness, self-direction and clarity within myself by reminding myself that as within, so without: as I direct my external world with clarity, assertiveness and self-direction, so will I direct my internal world as such, and vice versa, until I am back in control of my thoughts, words and deeds in every moment.

I commit myself to learn what real commitment really is, by seeing tasks through till I am satisfied that I have directed them through to completion in the best way possible.

When and as I see that I am quitting on something, letting it go, considering it ‘dealt with’ before I am completely satisfied that it is done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by reminding myself that it will create a LOT more work for me to do something half-assed than it will for me to out in the time and dedication to see the task through in the moment, and within the understanding that in the moment, I will bombard myself with excuses, justifications and validations for why I don’t have to finish, in whch case I use the tool of breath to breathe through and simply move myself till it is done.

I commit myself to bring my life and world back into control by specifically focusing on those tasks that I judge as difficult, and to see them through to the end within the understanding that it will be very difficult IN FACT if I listen to all my justifications, validations and excuses.

I commit myself to see through the lies I tell myself about how ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘it’s too hard’, because I see, realize and understand that I do this in order to not change, and to justify not changing, by keeping myself trapped in the illusion that I am helpless.

When and as I see that I am judging something as ‘difficult’ or ‘complicated’ I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to self-honesty within the realization that there is always a solution and a way to do it, it’s just a matter of taking a moment to figure it out, and then sticking to the solutions I decide upon. If it doesn’t work out, I learn, and then apply what I have learned and do it again until I am satisfied or until it is effective.


From previous blog:

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate."


I commit myself to make the genuine decision to change and to not just use self-forgiveness and partial-change to avoid negative consequences that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to generate in my life due to avoiding taking complete self-responsibility.

I commit myself to investigate my desire to not change through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application statements so that I can practically apply myself in my world in a way that leads to actual change.

I commit myself to investigate and expose to myself the reasons for which I do not want to change in the utmost detail, so that I no longer use uncertainty as an excuse to continue to sabotage myself and keep myself enslaved to those parts of myself that I do not have control over, but which instead control and direct me.

When and as I see that I am letting go of my self-control and my self-direction in moments where it feels as though I do not have the integrity and will power to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I accept and allow myself to simply stop, and let go/breathe through the energetic experience I am creating thus accepting and allowing myself to face that which I am avoiding, which is the absolute fear that lies beneath the experience of uncertainty, so that I can stand up from within and as it, and assert myself as Who I Am in that moment, stating “I Am Here”, “I direct me”, “I decide who and how am am/going to be in this moment, NOT uncertainty and not FEAR, but MYSELF as the self-directive principle of me”, and I stop. I stop generating the constant and continuous internal experience of uncertainty, fear and the helplessness to stop it.

I commit myself to write myself out, and to expose to myself the ways in which I have created and manifested the helplessness that I fall into in moments of fear.

I commit myself to be the integrity and will power that I am min the face of that which I have thus far allowed to conquer and control me.


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Day 131- Chasing the Carrot on the Stick

I’m taking a pause from the series I have been writing through because as the time has passed since I began writing out the resistances and difficulties I experience as a student, I have actually finished my studies. Therefore I will be focusing on what is in my immediate environment/Here within my writing, which no longer includes these issues. I’m writing now because I am experiencing within myself the resistances associated with the thought/belief that I don’t have any time to write. I have experienced this resistance throughout my end of semester exam period, and along with a new full-time job, I interpreted this as ‘too much’ within the thought, ‘I can’t do one more thing’.

Now I will never know if I could in fact do one more thing, because I didn’t push myself to try. There were perhaps some days where this was so, but not all of the days that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘loosen the reigns’ and not write myself out, even just a little in order to stay on top of my self-movement, my self-application and my self-directive principle.

Speaking in a chat with my DIP buddy today, I saw a point I had been missing in relation to this. She asked me a simple question, which involved the definition of ‘leisure time’. I thought about it for a moment, and I realized that I defined leisure time as ‘the time that is left over once everything else is done’. It hit me and she also saw that this is quite the contradiction, because, ‘everything’ is never ‘all done’. So, I realize I had worked myself up into this state of mind wherein I was moving from task to task in some mad race to finish everything so that I could get to my goal of ‘leisure time’, however this goal had been set by myself in my mind as an experience of ‘having it all done’. But life is a constant doing, it’s never ‘all done’ or else it would cease to be, and I would be dead. At the most basic level it is a constant doing, from the beating of the heart, to breathing, to eating and shitting, to having to earn a living and of course, to self-growth, self-change, and self-correction.

Looking at the situation in common sense, I then saw that even though I was living out this ‘constant never-ending doing’, seeking the experience of completion- I was actually not performing any better than if I were to slow down and breathe and allow for leisure time for myself to enjoy myself despite the fact that I have done 'completed everything', which is, of couse, impossible anyways. All of a sudden I see that as I slow down, I actually create ‘more time’, instead of what I previously thought, which was: ‘the more I get done, the more time I’ll have,’ and then of course ‘once I get it all done, I will experience release/relief/peace’. But what I didn’t see was that I was creating the tension, the stress and the experience of ‘no time’. I was/am the source of it, it is not outside of me as ‘all the work I have to do’. This is empowering because, as the source I am then also the solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the internal energetic experience of ‘rushing’, ‘racing’, and ‘chasing’ the experience of ‘completion’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience only exists in my mind as that which I will experience ’later’, and thus not something real that I am living as NOW, HERE in the present moment, indicating that it is in fact an illusion, acting as a carrot on a stick which I chase and chase and the faster I move and the harder I try, the faster the ‘carrot’ moves and the more difficult my current experience becomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the illusionary reality I create within my mind wherein Life becomes the pursuit of made-up experiences which seem so real and possible to attain, yet which somehow are never quite achieved… instead of looking at the actual current reality of myself and my situation and what I have accepted and allowed my current/present state/self/reality to actually be, and basing my actions/decisions/application on this input/information as the actual real physical reality I exist within/as and share with all and everything else that is Here together with me.
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that as I ignore my current/present state/self/reality, and instead constantly and continuously look into the future and chase wants and desires as experiences as the ‘carrot on a stick’, the quality of the current/present state/self/reality actually diminishes as it is not given the utmost attention, care and direction by myself, in order to create a living reality for myself which would actually assist and support me in the most effective ways possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the present moment, wherein I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tend to myself and my reality within/as the present moment with the utmost care, attention and direction, in order to direct my life and world to be/become one which supports me in such a way that I will be/become stable and able to support others as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the present moment by spending too much time in my mind thinking about/planning/imagining/worrying about the future/my future instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to practically create a future that supports me, is by supporting myself NOW, moment to moment, within the realization that the future does not really exist, the only thing that really exists is the present moment, and the daily application of self-direction within the principle of doing what’s best for all (which includes me- thus, is also self-interest as an all-inclusive self-interest where the interest of others is equal to and one with my own interest), which will always prove to be and create a reality that is supportive/best for all because the results are physically measurable and can thus be directed and adjusted based on physical feedback as consequences and friction, and thus able to be re-aligned back to what’s best for all.

Self commitment and self-corrective statements to follow...

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Day 128- Organic Robot Programmed to Fail

Within this blog I am exploring and investigating the concept of pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ as a way of living, which so many of us do, but mostly to our own detriment (continued from this series: Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student ). This topic was brought up in relation to the difficulties I experience while studying, wherein I have realized that over time, I have basically programmed myself, through a system of likes and dislikes, to want to give up and fail (easy way out= like), instead of fully commiting, applying myself and doing my best (difficult way= dislike). I have seen that this is not set in stone, likes and dislikes are choices, programmed over time through reptition of thoughts/words/deeds, mostly done in unawareness. Thankfully, this can be re-done, over time, in awareness, AS awareness, to actual real-time living Here.

Without fully investigating our likes and dislikes in order to understand 'what is this force that is driving us', we are essentially not the creators of our own lives and thus, not responsible for our thoughts, words and deeds. So what then is this force that is directing us, that we are accepting and allowing to act in our stead without even taking the time to understand how we created it, or even considering that it is in fact something created by ourselves.

In fully investigating these concepts and seeing, realizing and understanding how I have created ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by them, I empower myself to take myself back and become a creator of myself in presence and awareness. In this, I can take myself back from the influence of the endless forms of manipulation, both internal and external, in order to walk, step by step, into and as a human being that is Living for Real, Here, in Real Time, with all other beings that are Living Here Together, in consideration of one another. This can only start to work if we work together in equality and as a oneness with each other. Thus, I continue here with my process of walking out of the mind and into reality, by writing self-forgivenss and deriving self-commitments and self-corrective application therefrom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I commit myself to Live Here, in Reality, without the internal or external influences that activate within and as me as my mind and direct me according to a system of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ that I created/manifested/developed within/as me without any awareness, to the point that I would be living a life that is not best for me or in any way relevant for all.

When and as I see that my thoughts, words and/or deeds are being influenced by an internal or external ‘pull/ or ‘repulsion’ to/from certain things due to my experience of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ to/towards that something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that the repulsion/attraction is not taking into consideration what is best for me, nor the consequences the action/word/thought will have within my life or the world, and on top of that, the energetic experience of repulsion/attraction will most likely lead me to thoughts/words/deeds that are not beneficial but rather quite destructive towards myself and my world, if and when I accept and allow them to influence and direct myself and my living. Examples of such things are: attraction to sugar, unhealthy foods, smoking, wasting time, gossiping, etc… and repulsion towards: doing my studies, living the words I speak, eating healthy, exercising, waking up early to go to work, tending to responsibilities in my world, such as finances and legal documents/paperwork etc….

 

Within these examples I see that, I am attracted to everything that would be to my detriment if lived out over a lifetime, and the things I experience a repulsion towards are things that would benefit me if lived out over a lifetime. This goes to show that our automated minds do not have ourselves nor our worlds in our best interest. Therefore, this proves the importance of investigating the mind and stopping the judgments of likes and dislikes, and any and all judgments, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, etc… that do not have the best interest of all at their source.

 

The process of self-forgiveness makes this possible, and creates space to re-program oneself to equality to what’s here, meaning- no repulsion or attraction, but rather a oneness to what’s here- all beings, nature, matter etc… so that we may direct ourselves in accordance to ways in which through living action over time, results that are best for all will be created and manifested as reality....

When I re-read over what I just wrote, I see within me a reaction to the words “to re-program”.
 

When I investigate these reactions I see that I have a negative judgment towards these words. But if I remove the judgment and look at the words for what they are, I see that this is so: we have minds that are programmable, no one would 'like' to hear this, but this has been proven over and over again in science, commonsense and simple observable daily living. I can see that my habits are actions and behaviours that have been programmed by myself into and as my living by repeating them over time.

 

So now, when decide I want to live new ‘habits’ and ‘patterns’, I experience resistances towards letting go of the old ones, and then difficulty in changing, or re-programming myself to incorporate the new. However, over time, the new habits and patterns become easier, as my mind adjusts to the re-programming that I have done in awareness, wherein I will have replaced eating junk with eating healthy; staying up late and sleeping in late with going to bed at a decent hour and waking up early and rested for work; writing myself out at night in blogs rather than watching television/movies/killing time before bed, etc….. Creating myself anew, becoming the author of a new script, a new program that will benefit me and one that I ensure will benefit those around me and the world, by simply treating others as I would want to be treated within and through living the principles of equality and oneness (EqualMoney.org)

 

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I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

 

Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

This is continued from Day 103-Defending Myself Against the World



I commit myself to check my starting point when I contribute to the group, in order to ensure that it is aligned with actual care and support, and not from a starting point of energy, wherein
I would be seeking an energetic charge from validating the ‘helpful’ character I have created to not face the reality of my beliefs about myself and who I really am, which are that I am 'unhelpful' (without the ability/resources to 'help out' in a significant way), that I am 'un-needed', thus, within the 'helpful' character I play I 'prove' to myself that this isn't true (intead of addressing the belief itself, thus actually accepting and allowing this belief to continue to exist within me, as me), and being 'un-wanted' (wherein, if people would accept my help, I would feel 'wanted'- but only as an experience/belief).



When and as I am offering to help someone out, I stop, and I breathe. I give myself a moment to adjust my starting point, from the self-interest of validating a character to a starting point of oneness and equality to those I am assisting/supporting. I do this by breathing until the energetic charge is gone, and reminding myself to move as me, one and equal to the group, and not as a character.



I commit myself to walk myself out of the direction of the mind and into physical reality by stopping my participation in thoughts as they come up, and by breathing through the positive and negative energetic reactions I experience 1) when I offer help (breathe through the positive reaction/polarity) 2) if/when my help is not accepted (breathe through the negative reaction/polarity).



When and as I am in the position where someone is turning down my offer of help, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am not defined in that moment as ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, ‘unwanted’ or anything at all, I am rather simply hearing the preference of the person. Which is really what I was asking in the first place.



I commit myself to end all self-definitions which would direct me or influence me in moments where I could validate them, and instead by the living definition of myself within/as my self-directed living actions.



When and as I see that I am being directed by the want/need/desire to validate a character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the energetic withdrawal from that character and grounding myself Here, in physical reality, and I wait till there is no movement before I continue my participation again.



I commit myself to uncover everything that I am hiding within myself underneath the characters that I play.



When and as I see that I am ‘helping out’ from a starting point of fearing being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself by reminding myself that Who I Am is not a definition or a judgment, but rather a living, being, doing, from moment to moment and judged only in the end by myself as the consequences of my living, being actions in each and every moment.



I commit myself to check myself, in moment of lack of self-direction, and to take a breath and self-honestly assess my starting point, directing from there.



I commit myself to change not only my surface action, but also te root from which it stems.



I commit myself to dig up all the ‘roots’ as starting points that I had ‘planted’ in unawareness, wherein I commit to getting down to the root of my actions in writing, and re-scripting the root of my actions to be/become aligned with a consideration for the whole, as what’s best for all within the limitations of this physical reality.



When and as I see that my surface action are aligned with validating a character, which is self-suppression, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to check my starting point in order that my actions may reflect an actual care and consideration for the whole and for others as me, by not participating in the thoughts and energies which would fuel my idea of myself, but to instead do the task with no movement within me, making sure from moment to moment that I don’t ‘drift off’ into thoughts, ideas, perception, and beliefs about myself and the actions I am taking.



When and as I see that I am feeding myself as the illusions in the mind of energy when someone is reacting to/towards me in gratefulness for any kind of help/assistance/support I had given, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability within the understanding that to participate in or pursue the positive feeling energy, that I am actually avoiding the underlying fear that my insecurities created by the belief that I am ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, or ‘unwanted’, will be exposed, and are thus being accepted and allowed to continue to exist within and as me. Therefore, I breathe through the want/desire to participate, and allow myself to move forward as the self-directive principle of me, in oneness and equality to myself, as a living action of care and support.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in writing, either public or private, in order to fully understand the truth of me, in awareness and self-honesty, in order that I may ‘clean the slate’ and change. Start again, rescript a new human that considers all life in ever action.

I commit myself to stop chasing validation, as that is the living statement that Who I Am is Not Real, and I instead walk with myself until I validate myself in every moment and every step till my actions are aligned with my principles in every way possible.



I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that I want and need myself to be wholly present with me Here, contributing equally to my self-development and Living Here as an equal participant in Life.

Day 84- Making the Decision: Taking Myself Back

Within this blog I am making the self-commitment statements and scripting the self-corrective application based on yesterday’s blog, “Day83- Why Can’t I Make A Decision,” in order to take myself back from the indecisiveness, anger and frustration which I manifest within and as me when I participate in trying to gain validation and approval for my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by another/others within my decision-making process, I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back and give myself ownership of my decisions by breathing through any energetic reactions I experience within and as me, and I direct myself to make a quick list of the pros and cons of all sides of the decision when necessary, in order to write out self-forgiveness so that I may see the decision more clearly.

I commit myself to be the directive principle of myself within my decision-making, so that I may make all decisions based in/on self-honesty and practical common-sense, in alignment of what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based in self-interest in trying/attempting to gain approval/validation, I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept/allow myself to make the decision in this state, and I clear myself through writing self-forgiveness, using self-honesty, and making the decision only when I can check and see that I am clear.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to take myself back from the approval-seeking character, and to instead walk as Me, Here.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to others outsde of me and making them responsible for my decision, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction through taking self-responsibility for my decisions, and commiting myself to stand within all decisions that I make.

I commit myself to end the separation I have accepted and allowed to exist between myself and others by stopping my want/need/desire for validation and approval from others outside of me.

When and as I see that I am seeking approval and validation from others outside of me I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here by validating and approving of myself through and as self-acceptance within the understanding that I will stand within my own decisions and actions by taking self-responsibility for them and thus standing within my actions and decisions as Me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me during the decision-making process by standing within and taking self-responsibility for the decisions I make.

When and as I see that I am growing frustrated within making a decision I stop and I breathe. I walk myself out of the frustration by self-honestly looking at where I am giving my decision-making power away by making decisions contingent on others, and then using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application to make the decision contingent on me and my application of the principle of doing what’s best for all and myself as all.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the decisions that I did not take self-responsibility for, and to instead take self-responsibility for all the decision that I make.

When and as I see that I am blaming another/others for a decision that I can’t stand by I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within directing the decision and the outflows/consequences of the decision by taking self-responsibility for them , and doing everything I can to direct the decision or change the decision back to alignment with what’s best for me as all, and walk the process through to completion.

I commit myself to stop ‘taking credit’ for things/actions/decisions in self-interest in order to create a self-image, and instead I focus on the outflows and consequences of the things/actions/decisions and evaluating self-honestly whether or not they are contributing to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to only give/take credit where credit is due.

When and as I see that I am creating a false self-image through ‘taking credit’ for things I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back down to earth within the understanding that giving/taking credit only where credit is due is recognizing whether the outflows and consequences of actions and decision are creating an improved world or not, and then aligning myself only with the actions and decision that are, because anything else would be unacceptable.

I commit myself to stop discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, and to instead make decisions within myself, and discussing them only within and as self-honesty if it is required to gain further perspective on situations or events in order to see points I may not see.

When and as I see that I am discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, wherein I am trying or attempting to CONvince another that what I am doing is ‘right’, or in order to manipulate them to agree with me, with my emotional experience in order to validate my emotions and feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by calling myself out and remembering my self-relationship, wherein I accept myself, forgive myself for what and how I have lived thus far, in order to stop these patterns and habits from existing within/as me.

I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to do the ‘right’ thing according to those in my environment, and to instead do what’s best for all, which begins with self and creating a self that does what’s best for all in all ways.

I commit myself to stand by my decisions and to direct the outcome as much as I am possibly able to, and to direct that outcome to what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making/not making a decision out of fear, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that there is nothing to fear, there is only the experience of regret for decisions with consequences that are not best for me nor in alignment with doing what’s best for all, which is an unnecessary experience that I would rather avoid by breathing through the fear, and acting instead in self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within the principles of oneness and equality, and directing myself to see decisions through.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of my moods and motivation, and to instead direct myself to move according to my principles.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based on laziness, on my mood or motivation, I stop and I breathe through the resistance or the motivational push until I am clear and until I am in full presence and awareness Here, and I make the decision to move from Here.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life.

I commit myself to let go of self-control, and teach myself self-mastery instead.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself as a form of self-control, and to instead build myself as self-movement.

When and as I see that I am sabotaging myself through giving up and giving in I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to my process of self-mastery within pushing myself to take one step at a time, to take the next step, and the next one until the decision has been walked in its entirety.

 

Day 81- Desteni Character- Thought Dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to be a ‘certain way’ or be ‘at a certain level’ within Desteni because I have been applying the tools for a substantial amount of time, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the effectiveness of the tools doesn’t rely on time, but rather on dedication, self-honesty, consistency and discipline within their application, so I ‘get out’ of this process exactly what I put in.

I commit myself to put all of me into this process, so that I can give back all of me to myself.

When and as I see that I am judging myself or setting standards for myself within this process I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is no ‘place to be’ or ‘level to attain’ within this process, there is only self-understanding for the purpose of self-mastery, to be master of self as one part of one whole, where each has the opportunity to be equal to the whole, within and through self-dedication, self-honesty, consistency and discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can ever explain anything that I haven’t yet walked myself.

I commit myself to dedicate myself to each point that I take on, and walk it through to completion before I discuss and share the process I went through within and as the walking of that point.

I commit myself to assist and support others as me, within this, I commit myself to walk through point with the utmost specificity and care, so that I may not only stand stable myself, but assist and support thosewilling to do the same.

When and as I see that I am trying and attempting to explain a point within the energetic desire to ‘get the point across’, or have someone outside of me understand before taking the time to ensure that I myself understand, I stop and I breathe. I apply self-honesty in order to see if I truly have a living understanding and grasp of the point, and if I do, I will be able to explain it simplistically, and if not, I direct the point to the appropriate resource and work on the point within myself until it is clear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can ‘prove’’ Desteni by explaining it to others, in effect, trying to convince them, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I am trying to convince myself without doing the actual work, the writing, the dedication, discipline, consistency and self-honesty within my own life- which if I did, I would not have to convince myself or anyone else as it would be apparent.

I commit myself to the dedication, discipline, self-honesty and consistency to effectively walk this process, until I give me back to myself.

When and as I see that I am explaining Desteni in an attempt to convince others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the basics by reminding myself that no convincing is necessary or even possible, only writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application until I am living the change and thus the living proof of who I am as Life, equal and one.

Day 63- Postponement Character

Before Desteni, I would have defined this as a personality trait or a bad habit. Now, after seeing how characters  trigger and work and affect the entirety of self, I see procrastination, postponement, ‘doing it later,’ as an actual entire character. Throughout my life I have played this character a lot, with most things. Any task or thing I have to do that I have even a little resistance towards will be pushed to the back of my list of priorities. I have been working on this point for some time now, and now I find that I’ll get myself physically moving to do the task, but within me is like a mental struggle to now focus on the task and do it with presence and awareness, with all of me- so to speak.

Right now is perfect timing to look at this character, because I am in the middle of a research exam online.  It’s not hard- I just have to read and synthesize a lot of material in order to do it well, and then formulate my answers coherently and in alignment with the questions. It requires focus, attention, patience and memory, and I’m finding it a real struggle within me to do it efficiently.

So, as I understand the process I put myself through when I go into one of these characters, it starts with a singular thought that triggers backchat (self-talk) which affects how I physically feel and then influences my behavior/self-direction. So, the thoughts I have noticed with regards to becoming possessed by the postponement character, are things such as little flashes of, for example, Hotmail or facebook, like I should really go on those sites right away! Or I’ll see flashed of people I want to hear from, along with how they make me feel. I’ve seen myself do a ‘quick scan’ of my life, to remind myself of all the loose ends that need to be tended to, and then they all of a sudden become pressing issues.

The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead/I'll do it later” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and loose my focus.

The truth is- if I did everything right away or when I planned on doing it, I would have time to do all this stuff that stresses me out and preoccupies me. This postponement character perpetuates itself, because when I have a task to do, it is easier to trigger this character because of all the other stuff in life that I have put off. It all comes rushing to the fore, strategically and conveniently as the mind switches over from motivated to ‘lock-down’ where all I want to do is other things instead of the one thing I have set myself up to do.

Mostly I am able to ‘work with’ this character, where I accept and allow it to influence me- but I get done the things that really need to get done. But there was a time in my life where I let this character direct me- and it caused serious consequences, such as flunking school and finding work miserable. And that’s what it is really- it takes a simple task and turns it into a miserable experience that I just have to ‘get through’ and ‘survive’ until it’s finally over and done with. But the truth is- it’s never all over and done with, because life/living requires constant and consistent application. Also, when I’m functioning so inefficiently, where it’s a struggle and I put things off till later- then I’m actually busy planting little seeds of stress and anxiety, which will pop up and sabotage me when I least expect it. Now, thanks to this blog, I will begin to expect it, and effectively STOP it, because it’s not worth it. I see, realize and understand how I can stop this character with my writing tools, with breathing and with the strengths I am building with the assistance and support of the Desteni tools/community. These are self-will, self-movement, diligence, assertiveness and many more. I realize that my life can be so much more if I just apply myself in little ways, and keep doing it, wherein it’s not even really an ‘effort’, it just becomes how to live.  The postponement character is a really shitty experience, within it I feel physically tired, irritated, anxious and overwhelmed. I see that this is not necessary, nor is it beneficial to me in any way, so I decide to stop.

My self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements will com ein the blogs to follow.

Day 51- Tempted by Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by the energetic experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the internal energetic experience of ‘love’ because it felt good and made me feel special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my experience of ‘me,’ and ‘my life, and feeling ‘special’ in a world that is in dire condition, wherein, within my participation within and asthe energetic experience of ‘love’ I am making the statement that the way Ifeel inside is more important than my commitment to myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desireto feel ‘special’ in a world where no one is ‘more special’ than another,because all are of equal importance and utmost importance and none should bedisregarded, left behind, left out, or not considered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted to return to ‘love’ because I can lose myself and not face myselfwithin ‘love,’ and I can return to the abdication of self-responsibility withinthe co-dependence that ‘love’ so often generates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because then I won’t have to learn to love myself, and I won’t have to change, because another will ‘love’ me ‘just theway I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because it makes the world seem like a better, nicer, and even wonderful place, when it most certainly is not- it’s not about going around depressed about the state of things, but rather for reach to accept their responsibility within it, wherein- when one is lost within and consumed by the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love’ created by the mind and experienced by/through chemical reactions within the physical body (which has nothing to do with the actual state of reality or anything real or practical whatsoever)- one is absolutely disregarding the state of the world and the suffering and abuse taking place, and one is placing oneself and one’s own internal experience which is based only on self-created experiences,  above the actual real problems that require immediate attention in this world and within self, as the separation and disregard for one’s own physical body in pursuit of energetic emotionalexperiences instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting another within the act of my withdrawing my participation in ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a heartless person as I withdraw from ‘love,’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as a heartless, uncaring person by those that may not understand what I am doing and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the old, familiar and comfortable patterns and habits that I am used to, instead of standing up and walking and forging a new way and a new path for myself, wherein I assert mysef as the self-directive principle in my life, instead of floating along and accepting and allowing events to unfold willy-nilly wherein I sit back and react.

I commit myself to taking the wheel in my Life, as this is the only Life I have, thus it is of absolute primary importance for me to step up, step in and get physical.

I commit myself to walk throu gh any and all temptations and challenges that I may face throughout my process, wherein the temptation ofhabits, patterns and addictions will have to be walked through over and over until it’s done, which I am committed to doing whatever it takes.

I commit myself to see through the veil of ‘love’ and energy, to the actual reality of myself, physical reality and how it’s all unfolding, and where I stand within it.

When and as I see that I am being tempted to fall into and follow an energetic experience, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I can enjoy myself with another without participating in the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love,’ it is not necessary to  sabotage myself because I am able to self-honestly stand within and as relationships without giving up or giving in to the mind of ego and desire, to be wanted, important and special, etc… instead of valuing myself as all as one as equal. I value myself, whole, Here, and walk within self-direction as I change within relationships in my world.

Day 50- Sharing Too Much of the Wrong Thing

            A pattern I have observed myself participating within is the tendency to share too much of the wrong thing. What I mean by this is that I try/attempt to share myself, my experience etc…. with others in such a way where I am actually subtly trying to manipulate how they perceive me within the information I choose to share. The question I came to ask myself when I finally saw this was: Why? The answer I was able to provide for myself was that of fear. Because I fear the way people perceive me, I attempt to manipulate the way they see me. The reason why I would fear this is because I have placed my own self-perception and self-judgment within how I see myself reflected back to me through others. So, if someone were to react towards me within absolute disgust, in my mind I would be devastated because then I would perceive myself to be disgusting. The ironic part within all of this is that, generally, when such instances do come up where another displays judgments or reactions towards me, I am able to stand up from within them and take my power back and not ‘fall for’ the old tricks of the mind of abdication of self-responsibility through giving myself as my power away in such a way by placing it outside of myself. So I can see that this is a mind-based fear that exist more in my mind and as projections than in actual reality, wherein, if such a situation was to arise, I would not allow myself to be as affected by it because I would see it for what it was in fact, which I have proven to myself that I am capable of doing. However, there are still certain people and certain reactions/events that ‘get to me,’ where the reaction is intense enough that it still seems ‘real,’ instead of me realizing that the reaction is not ‘real’ nor who I am, but rather a mind/power/ego game where I am not facing those parts of me that I have, in a way, given away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as those parts of me that I have given away to sources outside myself, such as judgments about who I am and how I direct my life, and judgments about who I am in terms of a girl who shares the innermost depths of her mind online for all to see, wherein I try/attempt to appear ‘normal’ to those around me for fear that they may judge me for what I reveal without considering what goes on within their own minds that they are not taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my words as an expression of myself from the starting point of the above mentioned fear, and used my words from the starting point of fear of judgment, in order to act on that fear by trying to avoid it through trying and attempting to manipulate others in my environment to not see me/judge me/perceive me the way I fear to be seen/judged/perceived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to paint a picture of myself as who I am or how I would like to be perceived, when I have not yet explored, discovered and uncovered all of who I am with/as/for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I know who I am, and then try/attempt to prove that through expressing how I would like others to perceive me, instead of standing up within self-trust and self-expression in the moment, expressing myself as who I am in the moment without the influence of the mind or fear, thus actually discovering myself in each moment as I express me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to freely express me within self-honesty in the moment because I haven’t stood up to the fears existent within me, and have instead allowed those fears to be an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express fear as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away by accepting and allowing others to judge me and define me because instead of discovering who I am in each moment through self-honest self-expression, I have up till now only seen me within and through the reactions/reflections of others and accept it to be who I am. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honest self-expression in the moment, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I will be without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others without knowing them for who they really are, because when and as I judge another, I am actually accepting and allowing the behavior within myself, thus making the statement that I accept and allow it within others. Therefore, if I stop, then I will no longer be influenced by the fear of judgment from others, because I will cease to participate in making it real, which it is not.

I commit myself to taking myself back by no longer accepting and allowing myself to continue to give my power away to others outside myself.

I commit myself to stop living as an expression of fear, by stopping myself from speaking/acting/moving me from a starting point of fear.

I commit myself to develop self-honest self-expression in the moment in order that I may truly get to know myself for the first time.

When and as I see that I am speaking from a starting point of fear, indicated by the fact that I am speaking to others in such a way as to influence their perception of me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization that the only way that I can emerge as a self-directive, self-honest being that is not fear-based, is by stopping my participation within speaking me from a starting point of fear. I stop, and I breathe, and I realize that it is better to not speak at all, than to speak words self-dishonestly, such as words and information that come from a starting point of fearing what others may think of me, and wanting/needing/desiring them to see me as I would like to be seen, instead of getting to know myself for real.

I commit myself to stop sharing myself self-dishonestly, because I see that it is self-sabotage and keeps me trapped within cycles of judgment, fear and self-judgment.

I commit myself to stopping sharing too much of myself, withoutreally knowing myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to remaining stable within the reality that people are going to think what they want about me, and I commit myself to breathe through the fear of judgment of others, until it no longer influences me.

Day 47- Wasting Time Cause Life is Hard (Self-Corrective Statements)

Continued from the self-forgiveness statements from yesterday's blog.

When and as I see that I am doing something that is idle, not directive and ‘wasting time,’ I stop, and I breathe. I look at the situation to see and determine what it is I am avoiding or resistant towards, and I DO THAT THING. I breathe and I move myself to do whatever it is I am avoiding, to start it, complete it, or make progress on it, anything to not give into the mind, and anything to make the stand that I AM the directive principle of me.

I commit myself to walk through the patterns of avoidance and resistance that I have lived as me over time, until self-movement becomes who I am.

I commit myself to walking out of the mind and into the physical where I move me within and as breath.

When and as I see that I am participating in something within the definition that it is ‘work’, wherein I am ‘going through the motions’ in order to get it over with so that I can ‘live,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness as Life, by reminding myself that I am Life in every moment, and that Life is not the experience of being ‘done work and finally able to live,’ but rather a movement as rhythmic as breath as I give myself the breath of life each time I take a breath of the physical substance that is Here.

I commit myself to Live in every moment, whether at work or at play, wherein I commit to walking toward being and becoming a self-honest,self-directive, self-corrective being that Lives as all as one as equal Here.

I commit myself to breathe through the monotony of work within the understanding that any energetic experience is of the mind and can be breathed through, forgiven, corrected. transcended and let go, until I move me as easily as I breathe.

When and as I see that I am trying to ‘get out of work,’ or ‘avoid ‘hard’ work,’ I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by directing myself to do exactly that which I am avoiding and getting out of, in order that I may apply myself to walk through the resistances I manifest within and as me towards those things, events, activities and or tasks that I defined over time as ‘work’ and ‘hard’ and ‘not Life’ (in order to prove to myself that the definitions I have lived thus far are of the mind, and the emotional energetic experiences and resistances I feel towards them are not real, but onlyself-created iner energetic experiences).

I commit myself to know myself and see/realize/understand when, why and how I create these energetic experiences within and as me which cause me to avoid and run from things, so that I may see them for what they are and walk through them till they no longer affect me.

I commit myself show myself that energy always ends, and to discover what is beyond that.