Day 235: The Darkest Part of Me is Hatred

According to a recent test based on my algorithm, I am a kind and trustworthy person, but when someone betrays my trust and mistreats me... I never forget!

Now, it is not to fear, judge or hide the dark parts of ourselves that we all have, but rather look at them objectively as information about ourselves, and where we need to make a correction.

I had a bit of a reaction to the word 'hatred', like "no, that's not me," - but this immediately showed me a red flag, that of resistance, judgment and denial. Because when I took a step back and looked objectively, I could see in my life where I had experienced hatred.

I remembered moments in my life where I, for example, felt I had no voice, no say, and I felt like others were preventing me from being myself fully. I could say "I hate that person, they are so pushy/they are taking advantage of me in this way/that way" and so on, feeling like another person was out to make my life experience miserable.

It was only after I began pushing myself to become more assertive, to speak up in situations, and to fight for myself that I began to realize that it was never really about anybody else doing something to me, but rather my own fears, self-judgments and self-limitations that were preventing me from acting and moving myself. I had just been blaming others, which allowed me to remain comfortable and not push myself outside of that comfort zone.

So what does this mean?

The 'hatred' I believed I was experiencing towards another was actually self-hate, because a part of me KNEW, and could SEE what I was actually doing, how I was limiting myself, allowing myself to be pushed around our of fear of confrontation, thinking I cannot do it. This lead to the living of another dark word: self-deprecation.

In looking into this new word, a point opened up in the 'Back to the Basics' series on Eqafe. The recording is called 'The Well of Emotion', and is followed by 'The Bucket Principle' in the same series. If you have a listen, you will see how I changed in one moment, but what is not discussed is the process I walked afterwards and how my life, and even my physical body have changed since I began changing my relationship with myself while looking into self-hate and self-deprecation.

You can find the recordings here: https://eqafe.com/p/well-of-emotion-back-to-basics

And here: https://eqafe.com/p/the-bucket-principle-back-to-basics

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 51- Tempted by Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by the energetic experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the internal energetic experience of ‘love’ because it felt good and made me feel special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my experience of ‘me,’ and ‘my life, and feeling ‘special’ in a world that is in dire condition, wherein, within my participation within and asthe energetic experience of ‘love’ I am making the statement that the way Ifeel inside is more important than my commitment to myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desireto feel ‘special’ in a world where no one is ‘more special’ than another,because all are of equal importance and utmost importance and none should bedisregarded, left behind, left out, or not considered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted to return to ‘love’ because I can lose myself and not face myselfwithin ‘love,’ and I can return to the abdication of self-responsibility withinthe co-dependence that ‘love’ so often generates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because then I won’t have to learn to love myself, and I won’t have to change, because another will ‘love’ me ‘just theway I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because it makes the world seem like a better, nicer, and even wonderful place, when it most certainly is not- it’s not about going around depressed about the state of things, but rather for reach to accept their responsibility within it, wherein- when one is lost within and consumed by the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love’ created by the mind and experienced by/through chemical reactions within the physical body (which has nothing to do with the actual state of reality or anything real or practical whatsoever)- one is absolutely disregarding the state of the world and the suffering and abuse taking place, and one is placing oneself and one’s own internal experience which is based only on self-created experiences,  above the actual real problems that require immediate attention in this world and within self, as the separation and disregard for one’s own physical body in pursuit of energetic emotionalexperiences instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting another within the act of my withdrawing my participation in ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a heartless person as I withdraw from ‘love,’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as a heartless, uncaring person by those that may not understand what I am doing and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the old, familiar and comfortable patterns and habits that I am used to, instead of standing up and walking and forging a new way and a new path for myself, wherein I assert mysef as the self-directive principle in my life, instead of floating along and accepting and allowing events to unfold willy-nilly wherein I sit back and react.

I commit myself to taking the wheel in my Life, as this is the only Life I have, thus it is of absolute primary importance for me to step up, step in and get physical.

I commit myself to walk throu gh any and all temptations and challenges that I may face throughout my process, wherein the temptation ofhabits, patterns and addictions will have to be walked through over and over until it’s done, which I am committed to doing whatever it takes.

I commit myself to see through the veil of ‘love’ and energy, to the actual reality of myself, physical reality and how it’s all unfolding, and where I stand within it.

When and as I see that I am being tempted to fall into and follow an energetic experience, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I can enjoy myself with another without participating in the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love,’ it is not necessary to  sabotage myself because I am able to self-honestly stand within and as relationships without giving up or giving in to the mind of ego and desire, to be wanted, important and special, etc… instead of valuing myself as all as one as equal. I value myself, whole, Here, and walk within self-direction as I change within relationships in my world.