Day 235: The Darkest Part of Me is Hatred

According to a recent test based on my algorithm, I am a kind and trustworthy person, but when someone betrays my trust and mistreats me... I never forget!

Now, it is not to fear, judge or hide the dark parts of ourselves that we all have, but rather look at them objectively as information about ourselves, and where we need to make a correction.

I had a bit of a reaction to the word 'hatred', like "no, that's not me," - but this immediately showed me a red flag, that of resistance, judgment and denial. Because when I took a step back and looked objectively, I could see in my life where I had experienced hatred.

I remembered moments in my life where I, for example, felt I had no voice, no say, and I felt like others were preventing me from being myself fully. I could say "I hate that person, they are so pushy/they are taking advantage of me in this way/that way" and so on, feeling like another person was out to make my life experience miserable.

It was only after I began pushing myself to become more assertive, to speak up in situations, and to fight for myself that I began to realize that it was never really about anybody else doing something to me, but rather my own fears, self-judgments and self-limitations that were preventing me from acting and moving myself. I had just been blaming others, which allowed me to remain comfortable and not push myself outside of that comfort zone.

So what does this mean?

The 'hatred' I believed I was experiencing towards another was actually self-hate, because a part of me KNEW, and could SEE what I was actually doing, how I was limiting myself, allowing myself to be pushed around our of fear of confrontation, thinking I cannot do it. This lead to the living of another dark word: self-deprecation.

In looking into this new word, a point opened up in the 'Back to the Basics' series on Eqafe. The recording is called 'The Well of Emotion', and is followed by 'The Bucket Principle' in the same series. If you have a listen, you will see how I changed in one moment, but what is not discussed is the process I walked afterwards and how my life, and even my physical body have changed since I began changing my relationship with myself while looking into self-hate and self-deprecation.

You can find the recordings here: https://eqafe.com/p/well-of-emotion-back-to-basics

And here: https://eqafe.com/p/the-bucket-principle-back-to-basics

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 76- The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation - Self-Forgiveness/Tracing it Back

This is the self-forgiveness statements from the first paragraph of yesterday’s post (from Days- 71, 72, 73 & 74). Within this blog I am tracing back the roots of this fear, starting with some basic self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling in the face of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people confronting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a situation of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘stepping out of line’ when I communicate with certain people. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear upsetting others with what I do/say, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing or saying the wrong thing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone reacting towards me and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad about that reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of when I was younger, when I did something that I didn’t know I would get in trouble for, then when I saw I might get in trouble I lied about it in order to avoid ‘feeling bad’. Afterwards I got in even bigger trouble for lying, but I only lied because I was fearful, and then I felt terrible, even though I felt I hadn’t really done anything wrong in the first place. I was punished and I was not allowed to watch a movie with my cousons, and I felt ashamed and bad and I cried.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always taken ‘getting in trouble’ so personally since I was little, wherein I believed that it meant I was ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ as Who I Am, instead of realizing I was only being trained how to function within the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within the belief that I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ instead of just simply altering my behavior to that which was being asked of me, without taking anything personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry and pity myself because I thought and believed that I was unjustly punished, and it hurt my ego, and I participated in these reactions like it was a crime against humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe there is such a thing as ‘just punishment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be raised within and as ‘fear’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear parental figures/figures of authority punishing me when I was little.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that parental figures or figures of authority have any real authority over Who I Am and how I experience myself within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to give parental figures/figures of authority the real authority of me, instead of being a self-responsible being that considers myself and my place in this world, and acting according to principle, that I can be trusted and trust myself and Who I am in every breath, and thus not require authority.

 

To be continued...