Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

This blog is part of a series of blogs (listed at the end) within which I am untangling the patterns and habits I had created and manifested within and as myself that cause me to have problems at school, studying and taking responsibility for myself in these ways. It’s interesting because although these blogs stemmed from the issues I experience while studying, they truly branch out, reveal and expose general habits and patterns that play out in many other areas, including touching on global problems. In this way it is demonstrated how the macro (global systems) indeed exists within the micro (the individual), and the without reflects the within.

 

In my last blog post I was dealing with frustration. I described how waves of frustration will pass over me, and I summed up the elements of this experience as:
Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

 

 

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feelinglike being confrontedby a defiant childand feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angryand yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

Bringing it back to self:

When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the

control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc... thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back nor directing myself within self-discipline.

 

I will continue with self-forgiveness within my next blog, by taking apart each paragraph to reveal what is still hidden within the words, so that I can correct myself in writing, and live that correction into my actions.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

Day105- Helping Others: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

Helpful Character, Imagination Dimension:

This is continued from Day 103- Defending Myself Against the World
And Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine projected scenarios of myself being ‘looked to for help,’ ‘thought of as helpful’. And thought of as’ very dependable and efficient’ by others, wherein I create the whole scene in my mind in order to energize and validate the ‘helpful’ character, in order to continue suppressing the ‘secret’ hidden fear that I will be exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable’, ‘irresponsible’, and ‘inefficient’, instea of actually releasing those fear by changing the base behavior that cause them, which are putting things off, avoiding chores and accepting and allowing laziness or incomplete work as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine scenes of ‘me being helpful to others, and then having the other be grateful and in an improved situation because of me,’ wherein I have accepted and allowed such scenes to play out in my mind as if they were movies that I react to, movies which I direct and manipulate in order to manipulate my reactions to produce a positive feeling within me according to the character in my mind, which creates a negative emotion when reality doesn’t match up with the movie in my mind, creating instability, instead breathing myself out of my mind and into reality in order to practice stability.

Reaction Dimension:

“Feeling good inside, as if my worth had been proven”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the ‘helpful character’ with a ‘good’ or positive feeling because in playing out the character, I feel my worth has been proven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my worth does not need to be proven, as all are of equal worth as Life, and only the false characters we play require to have their worth be proven, as they have no real worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive when the help I offer as the ‘helpful’ character is not accepted by another, wherein I take it personally because I had stepped into character, but that character had not been validated, instead of having offered help/assistance/support from a starting point of actual care, one and equal to the other as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create/manifest an ‘excited’ charge within and as me, when and as I see I will have the opportunity to ‘help out’, and within that to desire to be successful, because I know if that happens, that I will successfully validate the helpful character, successfully validate that character as me, and successfully continue to suppress my fear of being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable,’ ‘irresponsible’ and inefficient’.

Physical Reactions:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mself to lower my voice in a try/attempt to make it sound ‘more mature’ and speak within/as a directness in order to ‘seem’ ‘helpful’, ‘dependable’, ‘responsible’ and ‘efficient’, in order to convince another to accept my help, which would be manipulating my physical body to fit into the role of ‘helpful’ character, thus suppressing my natural/normal physical expression with ‘false’ movements that are not ‘Who I Am’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energize myself as my physical body when and as I see that I am going to go into or have the opportunity to go into the ‘helpful’ character, wherein I participate so thoroughly in making this character real/true/who I am that I bring it out of the mind and into physical reality through accepting/allowing myself to change my facial expression within ‘opening up my face’ by raising my eyebrows and smiling as if to say ‘trust me’, ‘let me help you’ from a starting point of self-interest of validating my character, with is in reality/actuality validating my own limitation and suppression.

 

Self commitments and self-corrective application statements to follow.

DAy 80- DESTENI Character - Fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ostracized or rejected because of my participation in Desteni because it is controversial, whereas I have tended to avoid controversy in my life thus far, to the extent of changing myself in order to ‘keep the peace’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prove the credibility of Desteni, then people will make fun of me and think I’m crazy for applying the tools, instead of realizing that I have proven the effectiveness of the tools to myself, and in/as my standing and my living in this world I will be/become the living proof over time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted about Desteni and not being able to convince/prove the principles and tools/legitimacy instead of realizing that one can only prove anything to oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that Desteni and those participating within it will be attacked because of Equal Money, the plan to enter into politics, and posing a threat to those with wealth and power.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people blaming me for the things Desteni might bring up within them, instead of standing stable and being a support for anyone willing to start their process.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationships changing as a result of my self-change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility, instead of realizing that it is the only way to free myself.

Day 51- Tempted by Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by the energetic experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the internal energetic experience of ‘love’ because it felt good and made me feel special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my experience of ‘me,’ and ‘my life, and feeling ‘special’ in a world that is in dire condition, wherein, within my participation within and asthe energetic experience of ‘love’ I am making the statement that the way Ifeel inside is more important than my commitment to myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desireto feel ‘special’ in a world where no one is ‘more special’ than another,because all are of equal importance and utmost importance and none should bedisregarded, left behind, left out, or not considered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted to return to ‘love’ because I can lose myself and not face myselfwithin ‘love,’ and I can return to the abdication of self-responsibility withinthe co-dependence that ‘love’ so often generates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because then I won’t have to learn to love myself, and I won’t have to change, because another will ‘love’ me ‘just theway I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because it makes the world seem like a better, nicer, and even wonderful place, when it most certainly is not- it’s not about going around depressed about the state of things, but rather for reach to accept their responsibility within it, wherein- when one is lost within and consumed by the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love’ created by the mind and experienced by/through chemical reactions within the physical body (which has nothing to do with the actual state of reality or anything real or practical whatsoever)- one is absolutely disregarding the state of the world and the suffering and abuse taking place, and one is placing oneself and one’s own internal experience which is based only on self-created experiences,  above the actual real problems that require immediate attention in this world and within self, as the separation and disregard for one’s own physical body in pursuit of energetic emotionalexperiences instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting another within the act of my withdrawing my participation in ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a heartless person as I withdraw from ‘love,’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as a heartless, uncaring person by those that may not understand what I am doing and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the old, familiar and comfortable patterns and habits that I am used to, instead of standing up and walking and forging a new way and a new path for myself, wherein I assert mysef as the self-directive principle in my life, instead of floating along and accepting and allowing events to unfold willy-nilly wherein I sit back and react.

I commit myself to taking the wheel in my Life, as this is the only Life I have, thus it is of absolute primary importance for me to step up, step in and get physical.

I commit myself to walk throu gh any and all temptations and challenges that I may face throughout my process, wherein the temptation ofhabits, patterns and addictions will have to be walked through over and over until it’s done, which I am committed to doing whatever it takes.

I commit myself to see through the veil of ‘love’ and energy, to the actual reality of myself, physical reality and how it’s all unfolding, and where I stand within it.

When and as I see that I am being tempted to fall into and follow an energetic experience, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I can enjoy myself with another without participating in the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love,’ it is not necessary to  sabotage myself because I am able to self-honestly stand within and as relationships without giving up or giving in to the mind of ego and desire, to be wanted, important and special, etc… instead of valuing myself as all as one as equal. I value myself, whole, Here, and walk within self-direction as I change within relationships in my world.