Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

DAy 80- DESTENI Character - Fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ostracized or rejected because of my participation in Desteni because it is controversial, whereas I have tended to avoid controversy in my life thus far, to the extent of changing myself in order to ‘keep the peace’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prove the credibility of Desteni, then people will make fun of me and think I’m crazy for applying the tools, instead of realizing that I have proven the effectiveness of the tools to myself, and in/as my standing and my living in this world I will be/become the living proof over time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted about Desteni and not being able to convince/prove the principles and tools/legitimacy instead of realizing that one can only prove anything to oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that Desteni and those participating within it will be attacked because of Equal Money, the plan to enter into politics, and posing a threat to those with wealth and power.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people blaming me for the things Desteni might bring up within them, instead of standing stable and being a support for anyone willing to start their process.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationships changing as a result of my self-change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility, instead of realizing that it is the only way to free myself.

Day 73 & 74- Falling in the Face of Confrontation: Self-Commitments and Self-Corrective Application

            I wrote this blog over the past two days; I went over my last blog in order to see, realize and understand this point of fear of confrontation which leads to social anxieties and the belief that people have some kind of power over me that affects the way I experience myself. Within this blog I am re-scripting myself in order to take my power back and direct myself through social situations, rather than being a slave to my fears, reactions beliefs, hopes and desires (specifically, within this blog, within social situations).

            In italics are the specific self-forgiveness statements from which I derive my self-commitments and self-corrective applications. The self-forgiveness statements come from a specific event that I wrote out and took apart in days 71 and 72- it was an event in which I experienced the specific fears/anxieties I have developed over time. Within ‘taking it apart’ through self-forgiveness, I am able to see how I created the fears and anxieties, why I participate within and as them, and how I can stop this and walk through these situations within and as self-expression instead.

 

Day 73-

Self-Forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.”

Self-Commitment:

I commit myself to continue to walk into social situations and breathe through reactions of wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself as they come up. I also commit myself to investigate the reactions that influence me, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I experience myself as the fears that cause me to react in wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the reaction is only momentary, and I direct myself to, when and as the experience arises, take a moment to myself, to silently ground myself Here, and in that moment, determine for myself Who I Am, instead of looking at/interpreting myself through others.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.”

I commit myself to take my power back by dedicating myself to walk the process to no longer accepting/allowing myself to be influenced by the reactions of others through walking out of reactions and into self-trust, self-commitment and self-direction.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.”

I see, realize and understand that I  am in no way responsible for what goes on inside the minds of others, as only each one is responsible for his/her internal experience, and that if I in any way ‘cause’ another to react, it is in fact them reflecting themselves/seeing something of themselves within me.

I commit myself to sever and discard of any relationships I have developed between other people’s reactions and my self-definition.

When and as I see that I am basing my self-definition/experience of myself on the reactions of others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that others do not determine who or how I am, but rather I am responsible for my own internal experience. I remind myself that I am not bad/wrong/out of line/responsible/at fault, no, I am forgiven, and I can and will move on and continue to walk with/as myself.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.”

I commit myself to direct myself as Who I Am, moment to moment, breath to breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my thoughts/ideas/imaginations/fantasies as ‘worst case scenarios’ of how people will react into the future, and then fear them (the projections), thus accepting and allowing myself to change my behaviour, in essence restraining/restricting/controlling myself in ways in which I think/believe/perceive will avoid such worst-case-scenarios which only ever existed in my mind.

I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind and into the physical in order that I may express myself freely without the restriction/restraining/controlling of self that only happens within and as the mind.

When and as I see that I am future-projecting creating false fears to haunt/distract myself with I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within/through stopping my participation in such thoughts as projections and bringing myself back to breath by becoming aware of my breathing, and reminding myself that such thoughts/projections are not necessary, they are self-sabotage and they do not serve me.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if conflict were to occur, that my power could be taken away, based on past memories/acceptances/allowances wherein I had actually created this as a reality through taking my own power away by abdicating my responsibility to myself through blaming others for how I felt inside and how I chose to behave/react/handle the situation.”

I commit myself to taking my power back by taking self-responsibility for who and how I am internally and externally by stopping blaming others for how I behave/react/handle situations.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for how I’m feeling, for example, when I am trying to present myself as ‘extra normal,’ ‘quiet’, ‘reserved,’ or ‘subdued’ (or the polarity experiences) within a conscious or subconscious image of people connected to the thought of them being upset with me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to my physical body by reminding myself that it’s not what I do, it’s who I am within what I do. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s ok for me to be quiet, subdued, or reserved so long as it is self-directed, wherein, when and as I see that I am in the mind fearing upsetting someone I take a moment to myself to breathe and become aware of myself and my body and remind myself that I Am Here.

I allow myself to walk in self-trust and self-direction, fearlessly into and through any situation.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on past memories/experiences instead of taking the self-responsibility to create Who I Am in every moment of breath.”

I commit myself to stop falling back to the comfort of old patterns and habits, and to instead create myself as a self-honest, self-directive being through writing out the memories I hang on to and re-experience, forgiving myself for accepting/allowing them to exist within/as me and influence me, and instead walk into and as self-direction.

When and as I see that I am walking into a social situation within the experience of ‘shyness,’ ‘dread’, ‘fear’ and restraint/restriction/control simply because ‘that’s how it’s always been,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is a choice, and that I can, within one breath, decide to walk in self-expression as Who I Am, Here.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into situations where I will be in contact with people because I am walking within and as the mind of ideas/thoughts/beliefs/fears/projections/fantasies/imaginations that I create and terrorize myself with, instead of walking within and as self-trust.”

I commit myself to stopping existing within and as the limitations of the mind in order to instead free myself as complete self-expression without fear or limitation (except of course, the practical limitations of physical reality).

I commit myself to stop terrorizing myself with my mind.

I commit myself to stop living in fear.

Day 74-
 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself within and as the constant apprehension I exist within and as due to the self-created fear of potential conflict in social situations, instead of letting go and existing in the moment, within the understanding that I will deal with conflict if/when it arises within common sense and using practical solutions.”

I commit myself to stand up within conflict/confrontation, and to direct myself through conflict/confrontation as Who I Am as common sense and practicality, instead of falling into a reactive state directed by the mind of fear.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give friends/family the power to accept/reject me by accepting and allowing others to determine if I accept/reject myself, because if I accept myself unconditionally then it doesn’t matter if others accept or reject me.”

I commit myself to walk the process of unconditional self-acceptance.

When and as I see myself worrying about whether I will be accepted or not I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I accept me, and that I will always have myself, a self that forgives and accepts me within the understanding that I Will Change that which I cannot accept.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self-acceptance within and through interpreting how I am reflected back to myself by/through others outside of me, instead of deciding Who I Am and Creating myself moment to moment.”

I commit myself to stop defining myself based on what others think or how they act around me, and to instead direct myself towards self-honesty no matter what others may think.

 

When and as I see that I am looking to the reaction of others to determine/decide whether who/how I am is acceptable/desirable or not, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Self-direction within the realization that the minds of ‘others’ in no way represents a stable or rational standard, and that it would actually be impossible to ever achieve self-acceptance this way. Thus, I direct myself to the standard of self-honesty, oneness and equality wherein I can determine if who/how I am is acceptable by asking myself: “Am I being self-honest,” “Am I treating others as I would like to be treated/giving as I would like to receive,” and “am I doingwhat’s best for all?”

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a negative reaction from others.”

                  I commit myself to taking myself back from having lived a life of abdicating myself-responsibility to my fears.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others will become angry and/or defensive about something I’ve posted online.”

                  I commit myself to post only that which I understand and can stand by, and I commit myself to stand by what I share in person or online, as it is a statement of Who I Am as Who I Direct Myself to Be and Become. This is my choice.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that someone/others are following me online without letting me know, and secretly developing a hatred towards me.”

                  Icommit myself to stop distracting myself with the unlimited potential thought/reactions others could be having towards me. Within this, I commit myself to continue walking my process for me, as me, without changing me depending on what others might or might not be thinking.

                  When and as I see that I am distracting myself with hopes that others will hear the message of Desteni, and stand up and change through walking this process ofself-change through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or distracting myself with fears of ‘worst case scenario’ play outs, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into focus by immediately deleting the thoughts or writing them out when necessary, within the realization that I have decided that I Will Not allow myself to be directed by secret hopes/fears, but will rather focus on me, my process, my change and my responsibility to myself and to all. I bring myself back to whatever it is that I am busy with, and decide breath by breath, how to continue walking forward without the influence of hopes/fears, and instead with the guiding principles of doing what’s best for all, as all are equal and one, as I correct myself and my living to be/become a human being that cares and considers the rest of Life that shares the earth with me as my equals.

                  I see, realize and understand that neither hope nor fear is ‘bigger’ than me, in that it does not have power over me, but I rather create it, thus I am equal to it and one with it, thus I have the power to stop it and change it to self-directive living.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on whether or not others hate/like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to like/accept/approve of me and what I do.

I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need approval and/or validation to do/be/express myself.”

                  I commit myself to effectively stop accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on what I think others might think of me, through taking responsibility for my internal experience and the reactions I have when I am in the presence of certain specific people/situations- taking responsibility by understanding why/how/what it is I  experience within myself, because within understanding it I can trace it back to the root cause,forgive myself for it, and change.

                  When and as I see that I am changing myself/my personality/my body language etc... in order to get approval/acceptance/validation from others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to walking myself into self-expression by focusing on my breath and my physical body, in order to assess what is a comfortable posture, what exactly am I expressing and who exactly I ‘m trying to be in order to apply self-honesty and express only Who I Am as who and how I direct myself to be/become.

                  I accept and allow myself to assist and support myself and my physical body, and I do not accept or allow myself to use these things to manipulate myself or others or the situation within self-interest in order to obtain an outcome that suits me.

                  I commit myself to deal with an outcome of any situation within and as self-honesty, and to direct the situation if/when I am able to stand as self-trust and absolute self-direction with no outside or internal influences.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘look for’ signs to confirm my worst social fears, which are that people will hate/reject/disapprove/invalidate me, by being/becoming ‘extra sensitive’ to how people are behaving around me, wherein I look for and fear any little sign of hate, rejection, disapproval, or invalidation because I as my mind am looking to feed/fulfill the fear energy within/as me.”

                  When and as I see that I am looking for signs in others or in the behaviour of others in order to confirm my ‘worst fears’ in terms of being rejected/disapproved of/invalidated/confronted I stop and I breathe. I take myself back from my fears by stopping my participation within and as this behavior because I see/realize/understand that all I require to do is stand within and as my own self-worth, acceptance, approval, validation and self-trust. And within and through understanding myself and my own mind I will better understand why others might not accept/approve/validate me, or why they might feel confrontational around me, so that I can stand equal to and one with them no matter how they choose to interact with me.

                  When and as I see that I am feeling ‘extra sensitive’ to the behaviours of others, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am being directed within/as my mind of fears, and thus I cannot trust myself to make decisions or take a firm and stable stance in that moment, and so I direct myself to instead focus on breathing and walking myself out of the mind and back to Here.

                  I commit myself to take a moment to take a breath and walk myself out of my participation in energy (specifically in this case fear) before I speak and engage with others in my world.

Day 29- Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak every word within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are less-than me, and less-than life, and have thus created myself as less-than Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words carelessly, as verbal diarrhea, thus creating myself carelessly as one that runs and hides from Life and from the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are not living, thus creating a self-that is not living in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse free-will as self-interest within my speaking and doing, as I live the word I speak that are less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to Live and Speak words as Life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to create myself with and as my words as one and equal to all that’s Here, but have instead abdicated my self-responsibility to words of self-interest, which allow me to continue living within escape, addiction and abdication.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take the time to prove to myself that I am in fact Here, living, by speaking words as me, as my living flesh, as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as one and equal within the words I speak/have spoken.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider all that is Here within my every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my words spoken and live in anything other than oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am my own creator as the words I speak, and therefore have manifested myself as words that are less-than life, thus manifesting myself as less-than life without realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think.believe/perceive that I did not know that I was speaking words as less-than who I am as life, but rather continued accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself life, by not giving life as the living word, and have thus only manifested myself as devolution.

When and as I see that I am not speaking self-honestly, as living words which consider all and what is best for all I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to allow myself to return Here, to self, in order to speak as me, and not as mind, thus taking all the time I need to speak self-honestly in every word, without fear.

I commit myself to practice speaking self-honestly as the living word, within and as each word, until it is an automated action that I have proven to myself and thus can trust.

I commit myself to become the living word as what is best for all life.

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself, in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt, fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it, thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience, and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’, because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of ‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life within and as stability as self-honesty as life.