Day 43 - Overwhelmed by a Stimulating Environment

The experience I’d like to write about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and I quit.

I remember the feeling of all of a sudden everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.

Now, when I work in a stressful environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together, with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults talking to me as well

I really truly enjoy talking with adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud, chaotic and stimulating environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything- which I obviously am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as self-honesty in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to, due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks, instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession, instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without expecting myself to constantly be doing more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in, therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not feeding them with energy and with my attention.

When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out, without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.

When and as I feel my attention being pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention, and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.

I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and the world as people in my world as equal and one.

Day 24- I'm Not Worthy?

     The point I am looking at is self-worth, specifically, not feeling important enough or good enough for another, but rather, defining my self-worth into and as another instead of standing within my self-worth. Specifying more- I saw that I give my power away to another by calling it ‘trust’ in another, when really it is/was abdication of my self-responsibility to stand within my self-worth, by making it the job of another. I also want to touch on taking the actions of another personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘not important enough’ for another, in a relationship, wherein I feel I don’t have enough to offer as who I am, but need to ‘do more’ and ‘be more’ in order to have the other consider me as worthy of being with/spending time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that I don’t have ‘enough to offer’ in a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘do more’ in order to compensate for the self-created belief that ‘I am not enough’ as who I am in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘be more’ in a relationship, as a reaction to the self-created perception/belief that I am not enough for another to be with or spend time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to another to consider me ‘worthy’ by judging their actions and words towards me wherein I look for indicators of my worthiness, instead of standing within my worth by not accepting or allowing the thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs about me not being enough, doing enough or being worthy enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for, seek and search out indicators or signe of my worthiness within the actions and words of another, instead of accepting myself as worthy within self-responsibility as a statement of Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire perception, definition and belief of myself as unworthy through, over the years and through relationships, abdicating my self-worth to others, wherein I would never find it because it can only ever come from me, so instead of standing within my self-worth, I constantly looked for it within my relationships, and in never finding it, confirmed to myself that it is/was simply ‘not there,’ instead of realizing that I am self-worth, I am worthy of me, and I am enough- and I accept that as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the perception, belief and definition of myself as not important enough and not good enough, by defining my importance outside of myself, in relationships, wherein I would not nor will ever find it because it is simply not there, it is and has always been right Here, within myself as a human being, equal to and one with all other humans beings as who I am, as who we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unimportant, and to confirm that feeling through looking for my self-definition within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I’m not good enough, and to confirm it over and over again by defining myself within relationships.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand within self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself abdicate my self-worth to another, and then to deceive myself by calling it trust, as I have trusted another with my self-worth, which is essentially giving my power away to another, and giving them the responsibility to not hurt me and ‘make me worthy’, which is just the experience of worthiness, and not actual living worth, which only I can gift to me and live for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by defining myself within and as them/the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to hurt me because I have defined myself within and as them, and within and as my relationship with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can hurt me/wrong me or intentionally cause me emotional pain, instead of realizing that the other is only deceiving themselves, which has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the actions of another personally, as if it is all about me, instead of considering that each is in their own process, and I can only be responsible for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as emotional pain and jealousy, instead of standing up as Who I am, thus gifting myself back to me within self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that my relationship is all about me, instead of considering my partner equally, and standing with him/as him as an equal being who supports myself, and as a result, supports him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be victimized or abused emotionally, instead of realizing that I can only victimize and abuse myself within and through separation, by placing my self-definition outside of me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotional energetic experiences by not participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the victim and the abused as blame, wherein I blame another for apparently causing me to feel a certain way, instead of looking within myself in self-honesty, to see the starting point of my reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being important enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partner leaving me.

I see, realize and understand that I fear not being important enough, not being good enough, and being hurt, because these things exist within me already, wherein I have already defined myself as not good enough and not important enough, and I know that, thus the fear exists that I will have to face that, which I did/do because of the actions of another, thus creating the experience of hurt, which I can bring back to myself and see that I have hurt myself by defining myself as unworthy, unimportant, and not good enough- when, in fact, obviously I am.

When and as I see myself participating in the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, not important enough and unworthy, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am responsible for me- not another, and not my relationship, but ME, and I remind myself that I accept me, I allow myself to stand within self-worth, I am the most important being as I am all I have in this life, and…

I commit myself to myself and my process of self, wherein I commit me to gifting me back to myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to taking myself back from relationships, and creating a self-relationship of self-support and self-equality.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself within relationships outside of myself.

I commit myself to stand within self-worth, no matter what happens within my relationship.

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself, in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt, fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it, thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience, and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’, because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of ‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life within and as stability as self-honesty as life.

Day 4- Putting Others Out - Am I Worthy?

Today I had to run all over the city collecting receipts for income tax purposes because the lady at H&RBlock told me I could get money back if I had saved them. But I found when I set out today that I had resistances to going to all the places to ask them to dig up my file and reprint my receipts. I had resistances to this because I was going to have to ask them to do me a favour. I didn’t have anything to offer them in return except a ‘thank you,’ so it’s like, kind of a self-worth thing because I didn’t feel worthy of them having to put themselves out to do me that favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of someone else’s time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a pattern of inferiority when I need something from another, such as a favour, because that means I cannot ‘do it on my own’ which I have equated to strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘strength’ to doing everything by myself, and using that as an excuse to not have to face the fact that I go into inferiority when I have to ask for help. In other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing my accepted and allowed pattern of inferiority by creating the belief that it’s ‘weak’ to ask for help, and ‘strong’ to do it on one’s own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for help due to my self-judgment that it is weak to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs to use to sabotage myself through avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and integrate into myself, the belief that it is weak to ask for help or a favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am less-than those that are able to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘vulnerable’ when I have to ask for help or a favour because it places another in a position to deny me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am denied that which I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that when I am denied something, it is because I am not worthy of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the inferiority I allow myself to participate in onto people and situations wherein I am denied something I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that when people choose not to help me out it’s because they don’t like me, or don’t like the sight of me or because I am not worthy.

I accept and allow myself to value myself as worthy simply because I  exist as Life, equal to all Life, as all Life has equal worth.

I accept and allow myself to be and become worthy and worthiness as the value that I am as Life.

When I see myself going into inferiority, specifically when I have to ask for help, assistance or a favour, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself as self-worth within the understanding and realization that I am of equal worth to all Life, and it cannot be otherwise. And if I see myself reacting to someone wherein I project that I am ‘putting them out’ because they seem irritate or angry, I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that they too are my equal, and equal to all that is here as well.