Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

This blog is a continued from: Day 115- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt7).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an imaginary situation of me ‘zipping through my schoolwork with ease’ within and as me, as the result of not wanting to face the reality of the situation, which is that the schoolwork requires me to apply myself fully and over time, which seems slow and painful in the mind, because the mind is not used to working in ‘real time,’ or physical time, which is breath-by-breath, slow and steady, wherein, when and as I am faced with schoolwork, myself as my mind ‘zips’ through it, already imagining myself being done, instead of taking a breath, and actually doing it in real time, wherein I would do the assignment breath-by-breath and not create unnecessary relationships with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by imagining tasks as easier and less time consuming than they really are, wherein working in physical time will then seem slow and painful, when in fact is ‘just is’, and the judgment placed upon it exists only In my mind, as a result/consequence of imagining that it would be fast and easy, which also exists only in my mind, thus the entire scenario is self-created, proving it can be uncreated through stopping my participation in the source, which is my imagination/mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an entire character around ‘getting out of the work’ I have to do, a character from which I imagine myself easily ‘zipping through the work’, making it harder for me to face the actual work due to added resistances/judgments/relationships with/to/towards the work, thus perpetuating the ‘get out of work’ character.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to align myself with the reality of the work I face, by taking into consideration the amount of time it will require, and the fact that it will require many steps, both forward and back, in order to complete any given assignment or any task in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind of imagination instead of moving myself in physical reality in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about not just one assignment at a time, but rather imagine ALL the assignments, tests and quizzes I’ll have to eventually do, because I have pursued the energy that I derive from needlessly stressing myself out about school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energy I derive from imagining having to do an assignment, which creates a minor amount of stress within/as me, which I then increase by continuing to think of the assignments due in my other class, and then the tests and exams, until I am in a state of overwhelming-ness, stress and anxiety about school, which causes me to want to avoid it by getting out of the work because now the work seems like ‘too much’ to handle or cope with, thus manifesting the 'getting out of the work' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to my schoolwork, instead of simply taking it one thing at a time and just doing it within the realization that the only way to get through it all is by taking it one thing at a time, thus there is absolutely no reason to imagine anything more than what’s actually Here beyond simply organizing myself within a schedule.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compress time in my head wherein I’ll have to face everything at once, which is direct self-sabotage in creating an ‘insurmountable wall of work’ that is/was a completely unnecessary experience, but one which keeps me from simply remaining Here, walking step by step through that which needs to get done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from being Here, by creating energetic experiences within/as me through imagining scenarios/compressing time in my mind, taking me away from Here and pulling me up into my mind to deal with imaginary situations that don’t exist but that I make ‘real’ through participating within/as them by giving them attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness I create by/through compressing time by bringing all future work/assignment here to face all at once, by reacting to it and completely losing myself in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness by imagining all of my work all at once, and then supressing these emotions by not looking at their source, but simply ‘living with’ a ‘ball’ of stress/anxiety/overwhelming-ness in my solar plexus, leading me to feel defeated and discouraged, not wanting to face my work, but never really understanding why, and instead of investigating it, I created the 'getting out of the work' character to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to investigate the source of my feeling/emotions and then cross-referencing them with physical reality space/time which would prove they are not valid and can’t be trusted.

Self-Correction to follow.

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For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7) 

Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

          Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such as ‘postponement’.
          When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really being down on oneself).
          It has been fascinating to see how I actually create these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to move through. All this is entirely unnecessary.
          Each task in life, whether it is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional reaction:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness, ‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it, understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’ because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’ either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’ wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’ as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind, frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’ character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath. I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I Move Me Here.

Day 43 - Overwhelmed by a Stimulating Environment

The experience I’d like to write about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and I quit.

I remember the feeling of all of a sudden everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.

Now, when I work in a stressful environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together, with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults talking to me as well

I really truly enjoy talking with adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud, chaotic and stimulating environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything- which I obviously am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as self-honesty in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to, due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks, instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession, instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without expecting myself to constantly be doing more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in, therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not feeding them with energy and with my attention.

When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out, without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.

When and as I feel my attention being pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention, and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.

I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and the world as people in my world as equal and one.

Day 32- Pressure, Stress Self-Movement

I’m finding that, although I don’t experience stress as acutely as I did before I started this process, I still tend to build up pressure at times when I have a lot on my plate. When I was investigating my internal experience within this, I noticed that the pressure build up from stress was due to a lack of self-movement and a lack of self-trust. When I look at this pattern I see within my past that I was a bigtime procrastinator throughout my school years, and I had a lot of negative consequences due to that, such as bad grades and disappointed teachers/self. I truly wanted to do well, but I simply lacked the skills necessary to develop the ability of self-movement, so I would depend on motivation and stress. Over the years, stress became the most efficient motivator, so I used it in that way, but then I started to have physical symptoms related to stress, as well as accumulations of stress energy which are very unpleasant. These accumulations remain with me today, so some self-forgiveness is necessary on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do something ‘good’ or do something well, and then sabotage myself by procrastinating, leaving it till later thus accumulating stress within the thought of doing it with the added pressure of ‘doing it well’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project  doing something ‘good’ or ‘doing it well’ into the future as if it will just happen easily and effortlessly at a later point, instead of realizing that if I move myself immediately in the moment, I will develop the necessary self-movement and self-trust in order to avoid the accumulation of stress energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate due to the resistances I create for myself within the polarity experience of positive energy wherein I desire/plan on ‘doing something well,’ but then don’t immediately move myself to step-by-step get it done, thus then experiencing the negative polarity thought/perception/projection that I won’t be able to do it as well as I would like, or that I will do it poorly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the step-by-step process of starting a task immediately and then seeing it through to its completion, but instead I leave it till later wherein I have less time to ‘do it well,’ and end up sabotaging myself by rushing through the task and disappointing myself with the final result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of positive/negative energy when contemplating ‘doing a task well,’ instead of simply taking a breath and starting immediately, or a soon as I am practically able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind projection in which a task will be easier at some future point, wherein I am caving in to the resistance I accept/allow in the moment of thinking about beginning a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-sabotage to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in to the mind, thus making the statement that it is more powerful than me and more powerful than my ability to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend upon stress to motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate stress energy within and as me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself effectively without stress energy/motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need an internal energetic experience in order to move me, instead of realizing that I Move Me, and that I have only ever moved me, and the energetic experience was only ever a self-created experience/illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harvest energy from the physical in order to create the illusion that I as my mind as energy has the power/control, instead of realizing that my physical body is what moves me from moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body and from self-movement within the thought/idea/perception/belief that I am my mind as energy, and that I require energy to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of failure and disappointment to/towards myself, which I manifested for myself as a consequence of lack of self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the memories I hold onto which relate to stress/failure/disappointment from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my memories as m self-definition as Who I Am into the future, thus scripting myself as I have always been, instead of stopping this pattern and standing up within the realization that I Am Here, I Move Me Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Here, and from my physical body by living/existing in the past as memories and as my mind as energy and energetic experiences instead of living Me Here, within and as my physical body.

When and as I see that I am procrastinating doing a task rather than taking a breath and beginning the task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and consideration of all the steps required to start a task and see it through to its completion- realizing that, the sooner I start, the more time I will have to do the task well. When and as I see that a task is at hand, I simply take a breath and begin, taking it one step at a time, until it’s done.

When and as I see that I am creating a resistance within me towards a task, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that resistances must be walked through, that they are indicative of change, and that they will not last forever.

I commit myself to walk through the resistances I create/generate/manifest within me toward self-movement and self-change, specifically with regards to stopping my participation within the pattern of procrastination.

I commit myself to practice taking a breath and then moving me in the moment, until self-movement is Who I Am.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by past memories which create energetic experiences inside of me, and to instead start taking the necessary step towards living Here, in the present moment- the only place I can move me.