Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

          Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such as ‘postponement’.
          When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really being down on oneself).
          It has been fascinating to see how I actually create these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to move through. All this is entirely unnecessary.
          Each task in life, whether it is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional reaction:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness, ‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it, understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’ because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’ either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’ wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’ as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind, frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’ character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath. I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I Move Me Here.

Day 66- Postponement Character (Self-commitments)

What follows is a series of self-commitment statements and self-corrective applications to assist and support me to stop participating within and as the characterization of ‘postponement.’ This is a character which I describe Here, and self-forgive Here and Here. Postponement has become a force to reckon with within my life, as I’m sure many can relate. The characters we play all stem from a single fear. Once I have forgiven this character, written a self-corrective script, and committed to my self-change, I will identify the singular fear from which I created this entire character. That information is still however, hidden deep beneath the layers I am now pulling up. So, when I have cleared myself, I will reveal the fear so that I may forgive it too, and face it.

Backchat (self-talk)

I commit myself to identify all backchat when and as it comes up, call it out and breathe through the reactions it creates within and as me.

When and as I see that I am back-chatting in my mind I stop, and I breathe. I call myself out on the backchat within the understanding that I am talking myself out of doing a task, which is an automated program I have accepted and allowed myself to design and live out for most of my life, which I no longer accept or allow to exist within and as me. I thus push myself to walk through the discomfort by becoming one with it and equal to the discomfort of pushing myself and changing as it to finally end it and live instead from breath to breath with no reactions.

Creating a resistance:

I commit myself to observe and eventually stop myself from charging thoughts of the task at hand with negative energy because of and through the back chat I participate within and as in relation to the task which I am resisting doing.

I commit myself to see myself, and the reality of myself and what I am doing to myself when I live within and as unawareness wherein I simply just react and allow myself to be directed by my reactions and how I feel inside, instead of investigating why it is that I actually feel that way, and seeing, realizing and understanding the simplicity of being able to STOP within that self-understanding.

When and as I see that I am charging thoughts of performing a task with negative energy, thus building resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and the simplicity of breath by understanding that I am busy making something harder than it actually is, and that so long as I see what I am doing, I can stop in one moment, before it gets too hard, and before I create a mountain out of a molehill.

I commit myself to stop participating in back chat to the point of allowing it to affect and direct me.

I commit myself to see through back chat and take my power back by stopping my participation within and as back chat, or walking through the manifested consequence when and as I let myself go too far.

When and as I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to go too far into the mind by following, feeding and participating within and as backchat until I have manifested myself as the actual experience of my thoughts I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to embrace myself as the experience completely, within reminding myself that I can stop, and that there is another way and that I am committed to stopping the thoughts and backchat that limit, suppress and sabotage me so that I can walk breath by breath, one and equal, self-directive Here.

The polarity of Good and Evil:

I commit myself to stop myself from participating within and as positive and negative polarities wherein I have split the world into ‘likes’ and dislikes’ wherein I spend half the time pursuing the ‘good’ and the other half avoiding the ‘bad’ thus spending the entire time not directing myself according to what actually needs to get done or what is actually beneficial to me and best for all.

When and as I see that I have charged/am charging a task with negative energy (thus creating a resistance and not wanting to do it), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by becoming one with and equal to the energetic experience I created so that, instead of resisting and trying/attempting to avoid it, I embrace it and face it and move myself to stand up from within it. Ideally I will stop this experience before it starts, but I see that I am still accepting and allowing myself to create this experience for myself and thus within this self-corrective application I direct myself to move from within the experience I created so that it no longer directs and controls me.

Day 64- Postponement Character (self-forgiveness)

This is a continuation from my previous blog, which described my experience with postponement, procrastination and the internal battles and resistance it creates. Here I write out self-forgiveness statements, self-commitment statements, and self-corrective application in order to rid myself of this pattern using these writing tools. They are effective and they work and that is why I continue with this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that distract me and take my attention away from the task at hand, such as thoughts of facebook, Hotmail, loose ends in life, daily chores, and/or big life decisions- all thoughts which I present to myself as being ‘more important’ than the task at hand, specifically when the task at hand requires me to push myself, and/or will contribute to my expansion or self-change.

I commit myself to see through the thoughts I use to manipulate myself, to see them for what they really are, which is pieces of arbitrary information which I only give value and meaning by/through reacting to them, believing them and giving them my attention.

I commit myself to stop believing, giving value and participating within and as the thoughts that seemingly ‘pop into my mind’ right when I’m about to move myself.

When and as I see that I have a task at hand and all of a sudden ‘something happens’ and I feel huge resistances towards that thing, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that the resistance is not real, it is self-created by a singular thought. and I can move through it. I understand that as I change there will be resistance, and that I can and will stop creating it, so long as I keep applying myself to not participate in the thoughts as they come up, to instead breathe and focus me Here, and move my physical body to do the task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself with thoughts based in memories- such as the time I got a really important email, which I bring up and use to connect this sense of ‘urgency’ to all of a sudden check my email, or a time when I got an important message on Facebook, so ‘I should really check it now just in case,’ the time I didn’t do my laundry and had nothing to wear when I had a last minute invitation to go somewhere, so ‘I’d better check to make sure I’m on top of my laundry,’ or bigger things such as ‘I’d better figure out what I’m doing with my life RIGHT NOW’ and then I stress about all the possibilities I’m missing out on cause I haven’t made some fundamental decisions. I see, realize and understand that I use all these ‘loaded’ thoughts strategically when I want to get something done, so instead of being able to just move myself and do the thing, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire character of postponement, thus causing and creating all kinds of time-loops of stress/worry/anxiety/overwhelming-ness etc… Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire internal battle within and as myself, which I see/realize/understand is purely self-sabotage and can be stopped by slowing down, identifying the initial thought and breathing through it instead of following it through to reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested this ‘urgency’ relationship to Hotmail, facebook, life decisions and events, laundry and school, wherein I have placed a high value and importance upon these things and then using them as self-sabotage, instead of realizing that each thing has its time, and I will get to each thing accordingly, but at the moment, the task at hand is where I Decide to place my attention, until I have seen it through.

I commit myself to sever all relationships I have created/manifested to/towards this reality in separation of myself, as they are merely my own individualized reactions to what is Here, instead of equal and one participation with what is Here, without the relationships of the mind that do not actually support me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing out, or that I will miss something important if I don’t sidetrack myself by/through following these thoughts, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I’m setting myself up to miss myself when I accept and allow myself to postpone by pursuing these thoughts that seem so ‘urgent’.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow down and identify the initial thought that triggers me as the postponement character, and I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I can stop this pattern and my participation from within and as it.

I commit myself to slowing down and seeing/identifying the ‘loaded’ thoughts I use to manipulate myself  to postpone self-movement/self-change, within this…

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the initial thoughts that trigger myself as the postponement character, to eventually stop the thoughts I hold onto in order to use as self-manipulation.

When and as I see I am accepting and allowing thoughts that seem ‘so important’ I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself the will power to decide that I Will Not follow those thoughts, that I Will instead stand up and direct me to do the task I set out to do, because I see/realize/understand that this way, I will get more things done effectively, and won’t have them pressing as thoughts in my mind, distracting me from fully functioning Here.

I will continue with self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correctivestatements tomorrow.