Day 87- Going Down the Rabbit's Hole or Still Staring at the Mirror?

These are the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements based on my last blog “Day 86- Moving Forward,Missing the NOW.” The main realizations I had within and through writing these statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’ and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.

It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals, and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously require signs that I am ‘moving forward.’

I commit myself to be and become the forward motion I want to be instead of looking for ways to merely experience it by looking for signs to tell me that I am doing it. I see realize and understand that if I were in fact ‘doing it’, I would not require signs and I would not want/need/desire signs in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought/perception of ‘forward motion’ with a positive charge.

I commit myself to untangle the relationships I have created with external people, things and events in my life, including expectations, fears, wants, desires, etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive ‘forward motion’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘forward motion’ as events taking place, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I can only develop myself as who I Am Here.

I commit myself to live the definition of ‘forward motion’ as me developing myself Here, in the moment, within and as presence and awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of anxiety within and as me because I feel like I can never do ‘enough’.

I commit myself to do only what I can do in a single breath, breath by breath, within and as self-direction always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring everything I have to do Here in one moment, within the belief that I need to do it all now and charging it with a sense of urgency, thus overwhelming myself in this moment, instead of taking into consideration the many steps each project or task requires, and the consistent daily application required in order to get it all done, bit by bit.

I commit myself to map out the necessary steps required to complete a plan, and then to take those steps one by one, until it’s done, no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to remain patient with myself as I move at the pace of the physical, and not within the instant gratification of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the internal energetic experience of impatience, anxiousness and stagnation when I am waiting for an event, instead of realizing and understanding that Who I Am in the moment is what determines me, not what I do nor how many events come and go.

I commit myself to continue to push and apply myself in every moment, especially in the time between events, because that is the time where I have nothing to motivate me, and where I must really apply myself to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider that each time I get overwhelmed and fall within my daily responsibility to myself, I create more work for later, which will build up and thus I am manifesting the overwhelming and anxious experience which I am creating within and as me in the first place, only now it’s for real.

I commit myself to push through and maintain my stability through periods of ‘overwhelmingness’, and to not get lost within them, because I know they are of energy, and energy is only ever temporary. I realize and understand that, if I push through, I will come out of it a little stronger and a little more stable, and that is how I build/manifest and create myself.

I commit myself to build/manifest/create for/as myself a self that I can trust and depend on, by constantly and consistently making the decision to bring myself back Here, out of the mind and into the physical,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the actual real-life and real-time experience of overwhlmingness and anxiety for myself by constantly creating the experience for myself in my mind.

I commit myself to STOP creating myself unconsciously, at the whim of/as my mind, and to create myself instead within and as self-direction, where I decide who/how I will be.

I commit myself to stop all anxiety and overwhelmingness as it comes up in/as me, and to instead direct myself to move me to self-directed actions that I choose in accordance with doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistances for myself in relation to responsibilities in my life and world, because I know deep down that I can never do enough to get me ‘there’, thus I know deep down that no matter how much I do and how hard I try, I will always end up burnt out and overwhelmed because there’s no other way to do it than one day at a time, one action at a time, and one breath at a time, Here.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by looking for the easy way out and looking for an escape from Here.  I see, realize and understand that no matter how hard I try to get tHere, I will always only be Here with me, so I commit myself to make the choice to be Here, wholly.

Self-forgiveness and Self-commitments continued in the next blog...

 

Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

          Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such as ‘postponement’.
          When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really being down on oneself).
          It has been fascinating to see how I actually create these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to move through. All this is entirely unnecessary.
          Each task in life, whether it is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional reaction:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness, ‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it, understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’ because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’ either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’ wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’ as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind, frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’ character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath. I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I Move Me Here.

Day 2- I’ll never get it all done!

Today the pattern that I found most noticeable was the feeling that I needed to get everything done all at once, and I went into an energetic possession when I realized I wasn’t going to have time to do it all. I have been doing end-of-term papers for the past two weeks and have put other stuff off, telling myself I’d get it all done when I’m finished with school. School took longer than I expected and now I don’t have as much time as I would have liked. However, now that I look back on it all, I see that if I had done a little bit each day, I could have done more than I believed, which relates to yesterday’s pattern.

So, I woke up this morning and I did a lot, and I didn’t realize that I was working myself up in to a bit of a crazy woman. Actually, I was pleased that I was getting so much done, but within this pattern I tend to do too much and then burn out instead of realizing that I need to just be consistent and do a little bit every day. By the time I left the house I knew I was in an energetic possession, because my mind was all over the place and I forgot a bunch of stuff so I had to go back home, then I was unclear as to where I should go first. It took me the whole bus ride downtown, plus some more time before I was able to get myself together again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic experience of ‘getting it done’ and ‘doing it all’, instead of realizing that I can only do so much in one day, and that I can only move one breath at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I rush rush rush and do it all right now, then it will make up for lost time and I will ‘catch up’ to myself (my mind) and experience a feeling of ‘being done,’ when in fact, there is always more to do and more that can and should be done. So within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase the mind-created idea of the experience of ‘finally being all done’ as if it is a point ‘out there’ somewhere instead of realizing that I can accomplish much while remaining Here, in the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate while I was busy with school, because I accepted and allowed the belief that I could ‘only handle school’ and only do one thing at a time, instead of pushing myself to be and become more disciplined, precise and effective within my daily application of myself in my life and my world within the context of all the things I have to do from day to day. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity opposite of trying to do too much, because I knew that I had been procrastinating and so I created a situation in which I sabotaged myself by allowing things to pile up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can ‘only handle school’ and ‘only handle one thing at a time’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within how effective I allow myself to be by existing within and as this belief. This beLIEf be a LIE I tell myself in order for me to not have to push myelf through resisting doing more that I believe I am capable of.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to gently push me and test my limits in order that I may expand those limits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify laziness with the excuse that I work really hard at school, instead of pushing through my resistances to keep up on my daily tasks when I am also doing schoolwork.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw out my school work when I have extra time because I don’t have a deadline to motivate me to push through my resistances towards learning the coursework. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the mind of idleness instead of facing reality and the fact that I can move me instead of depending on the energetic ‘push’ of stress that I call motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the fact that I know all too well that I am able to push me and move me, and that it is a choice when I do not do so. When I make the choice to not push me or move me I am choosing the limitations of the mind over realizing myself as life- doing nothing instead of doing everything, -wasting time instead of living (wasting life instead of living life).

I accept and allow and commit myself to, in moments of resistance when I see I have the choice, to choose life each and every single time until it is who I am.

I allow and accept myself to fearlessly face the fact that I am capable of self-movement and self-change, and that I will chose Life.

I commit to proving to myself that I am more than what I believe myself to be by walking through resistances in breathe as Life here, an when I see that I am holding a self-limiting belief I remind myself that it is not real, but only based on past experiences which are past. Who I am is Here, in the present moment where I have the power to choose Life in each breath.

I commit myself to directing myself through my entire day, and to do work consistently each day, without forgetting to also enjoy moments in my Life  within a gratefulness that I am able to do so.