From 'Super-Acheiver' to 'Frazzled-Mess', the Effects of Stress at Work: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

#EQAFEDISCOVERY

 

I have been working at a job for over 2 months now, and I had been becoming anxious about my performance as I was receiving no feedback, yet I knew I was in a probationary period where they could let me go at a moment's notice.

Finally my boss reached out to me to give me a review. According to her, I was the fastest and most accurate reviewer on the moderating team, and they wanted to give me more hours because I rarely made mistakes and moved quickly through the work. I hadn't received feedback because I was "the least of her concerns", was "the best one on the team" and so on like this to the point where I began to feel embarrassed by the flattery.

These were of course, the words I had always wanted to hear from a boss, or any authority for that matter, and I could hardly believe my eyes as I read them. "The best", "fastest", "most accurate". As I breathed them in and placed myself neatly onto a little pedestal in my mind, I didn't realize that I was setting myself up for a fall.

Now I had something to lose, a reputation to keep, couldn't afford to look like I didn't know what I was doing. Before that, I had been humble, trying my best, asking questions not afraid to show I did not know the answers. Now I was 'the best one' that 'never made mistakes'... I suddenly felt as though

I couldn't live up to my own reputation!

Then things in my life moved around a bit, with money and big decisions to be directed, and all together it triggered a serious 'stress' response in me. I could no longer focus on the work, would forget each piece of information as I moved on to the next, became fidgety and irritable, looking for distractions as I worked, and began displaying all the symptoms that had in my past labelled me as having 'adult ADD' by a psychiatrist.

When I looked back on my life, I noticed this very same pattern: I was the best runner at my level, until I made it to the provincial level and experienced the stress of real competition, and I choked. I was the best soccer player on my team, until I got old enough where soccer all of a sudden become a serious 'school pride' thing, now with pressure to perform, and I became the worst player. I started at my last job with a splash, and got a promotion before my colleagues that had been there for years before me, and ended up by having a breakdown from the stress.

I even developed a fear of survival point, where I hold the belief that I cannot provide for myself in this world with the system the way it is, because as soon as there is stress: I break.

And so begins my journey of finally taking on the point of stress creation in my mind, because I see that if I don't take on this point, this pattern of great falls will continue. I also see that despite my past falls and breaks, I did display a potential to be effective, and that is something worth fighting for.

My journey begins with the Atlanteans "Stress: The History, Origin and Nature". In this recording, the system, design and emotional experience of stress is broken down and explained. Interestingly, it begins in childhood, when our beingnesses, which are comfortable and content, react to the initial seed of unexpected and unexplained fear, for which we are completely unprepared! That 'unpreparedness' and 'unexpectedness' creates a stress response within the beingness, and then of course our physical bodies react as well. We live with this unquestioningly until it develops into an entire personality later in life - one with its own thought patterns, reactions, behaviours and so on, like an entity that takes over! This would explain how I go from a 'super-achiever' to a 'frazzled mess' as soon as my stress response is triggered and takes hold!

I have begun this journey by doing self-forgiveness on the first fears I can remember, and also on my response to those fears. I will listen to the series and apply the practical applications in each recording, and I will dig into this point until I uproot it and find living solutions that I can apply in my life to find that point of long-term consistency and stability that I had been lacking.

Thanks very much, and if you can relate, then enjoy this recording and join me in taking on The Stress System:

Stress: The History, Origin and Nature - Atlanteans - Part 97

 

Day 130- The Pursuit of Happiness

Within this blog I am digging deeper into the self-diminishment caused by the pursuit of happiness. This blog is continued from "Day 129- Programming Myself to Succeed", and  "Organic Robot Programmed to Fail". In order to reveal the source of what drives me to pursue happiness, I am writing self-forgiveness statements and then deriving self-commitments and self-corrective applications therefrom, to both understand this 'force' and also to change it to that which is best for all.

 

 

 

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.
I commit myself to let go of the pursuit of personal happiness and in exchange for the pursuit of practical solutions that will create a world that supports all life, such as the proposition of an Equal Money System which would be the first step in doing so.

I commit myself to support myself in every way, I order that I may be/become the proof that such support is in fact possible.

I commit myself to support others as myself unconditionally.

When and as I see that I am manipulating and conning myself by pursuing the energetic internal experience of ‘happiness’- as if ‘happiness’ carried with it any kind of integrity, as if ‘happiness’ was something other than self-interest without any regard for the rest of life, and as if ‘happiness’ wasn’t something manufactured and sold to us as a seemingly attainable standard of life, juuuuust outside of reach. I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to reality within the understanding that although I experience enjoyment- of my environment, with others, with animals, etc… I understand that happiness is not valid, as it is complete and blind disregard for the reality we all exist within, where if I were to claim happiness, it would be done in the face of children sold for sex, human being starving, and most of life struggling/suffering in some way. I understand that happiness will be a valid pursuit once practical solutions have been implemented and all are provided for equally, and until then, ‘happiness’ actually borders in sheer evil, as it denies the reality of those whose reality needs to be addressed the most, and places self’s internal experience as more important than addressing/considering/taking care of the more vulnerable life-forms that are in dire need of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like and make me 'happy', but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I commit myself to stopping my habits in order that I may face those parts of myself that I am suppressing and denying through preoccupying myself instead with habits and 'happiness' as distractions from the reality of who/how/what I am/have been/have become.

I commit myself to letting go of the false 'happy-go-lucky' self that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist as, in order to become an actual real individual that is aware of exactly what is going on within self, and the world, in order that I may align myself with self-change and global change to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that the withdrawal I will go through when/as I pull myself out of my habits/'happiness' is something that I can in fact walk through and direct myself through and ‘survive’, and I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the those parts of me the fear ‘not surviving’ are the parts that will in fact end.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing habits to be who I am, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that walking out of habits is necessary, and that the experience that I go through each time I stop is not enjoyable, but is necessary and is the most beneficial thing I can do for myself. I walk myself through to self-direction within the understanding that I have walked myself through the withdrawal many times already, but unless I do it EVERY time, I will have to continue experiencing the cycle of participation/withdrawal, which causes MUCH unnecessary friction in my life/experience.

Happiness is not real, it is an internal energetic experience super-imposed on top of what is actually real/Here. Reality is being denied for the illlusion.

Entire series: Blog Series

To learn these self-supportive writing tools FOR FREE visit: DIP LITE

I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

Day 87- Going Down the Rabbit's Hole or Still Staring at the Mirror?

These are the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements based on my last blog “Day 86- Moving Forward,Missing the NOW.” The main realizations I had within and through writing these statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’ and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.

It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals, and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously require signs that I am ‘moving forward.’

I commit myself to be and become the forward motion I want to be instead of looking for ways to merely experience it by looking for signs to tell me that I am doing it. I see realize and understand that if I were in fact ‘doing it’, I would not require signs and I would not want/need/desire signs in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought/perception of ‘forward motion’ with a positive charge.

I commit myself to untangle the relationships I have created with external people, things and events in my life, including expectations, fears, wants, desires, etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive ‘forward motion’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘forward motion’ as events taking place, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I can only develop myself as who I Am Here.

I commit myself to live the definition of ‘forward motion’ as me developing myself Here, in the moment, within and as presence and awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of anxiety within and as me because I feel like I can never do ‘enough’.

I commit myself to do only what I can do in a single breath, breath by breath, within and as self-direction always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring everything I have to do Here in one moment, within the belief that I need to do it all now and charging it with a sense of urgency, thus overwhelming myself in this moment, instead of taking into consideration the many steps each project or task requires, and the consistent daily application required in order to get it all done, bit by bit.

I commit myself to map out the necessary steps required to complete a plan, and then to take those steps one by one, until it’s done, no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to remain patient with myself as I move at the pace of the physical, and not within the instant gratification of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the internal energetic experience of impatience, anxiousness and stagnation when I am waiting for an event, instead of realizing and understanding that Who I Am in the moment is what determines me, not what I do nor how many events come and go.

I commit myself to continue to push and apply myself in every moment, especially in the time between events, because that is the time where I have nothing to motivate me, and where I must really apply myself to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider that each time I get overwhelmed and fall within my daily responsibility to myself, I create more work for later, which will build up and thus I am manifesting the overwhelming and anxious experience which I am creating within and as me in the first place, only now it’s for real.

I commit myself to push through and maintain my stability through periods of ‘overwhelmingness’, and to not get lost within them, because I know they are of energy, and energy is only ever temporary. I realize and understand that, if I push through, I will come out of it a little stronger and a little more stable, and that is how I build/manifest and create myself.

I commit myself to build/manifest/create for/as myself a self that I can trust and depend on, by constantly and consistently making the decision to bring myself back Here, out of the mind and into the physical,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the actual real-life and real-time experience of overwhlmingness and anxiety for myself by constantly creating the experience for myself in my mind.

I commit myself to STOP creating myself unconsciously, at the whim of/as my mind, and to create myself instead within and as self-direction, where I decide who/how I will be.

I commit myself to stop all anxiety and overwhelmingness as it comes up in/as me, and to instead direct myself to move me to self-directed actions that I choose in accordance with doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistances for myself in relation to responsibilities in my life and world, because I know deep down that I can never do enough to get me ‘there’, thus I know deep down that no matter how much I do and how hard I try, I will always end up burnt out and overwhelmed because there’s no other way to do it than one day at a time, one action at a time, and one breath at a time, Here.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by looking for the easy way out and looking for an escape from Here.  I see, realize and understand that no matter how hard I try to get tHere, I will always only be Here with me, so I commit myself to make the choice to be Here, wholly.

Self-forgiveness and Self-commitments continued in the next blog...