These are the self-forgiveness and
self-corrective statements based on my last blog “Day 86- Moving Forward,Missing the NOW.” The main realizations I had within and through writing these
statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big
plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in
seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment
experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of
this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans
into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the
reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’
and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in
a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the
experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to
accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling
behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.
It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get
things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping
myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from
Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals,
and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and
where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
constantly and continuously require signs that I am ‘moving forward.’
I commit myself to be and become the forward motion I want to
be instead of looking for ways to merely experience it by looking for signs to
tell me that I am doing it. I see realize and understand that if I were in fact
‘doing it’, I would not require signs and I would not want/need/desire signs in
the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
charge the thought/perception of ‘forward motion’ with a positive charge.
I commit myself to untangle the relationships I have created
with external people, things and events in my life, including expectations,
fears, wants, desires, etc…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive ‘forward motion’ is good/right/positive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define ‘forward motion’ as events taking place, instead of
seeing/realizing/understanding that I can only develop myself as who I Am Here.
I commit myself to live the definition of ‘forward motion’ as
me developing myself Here, in the moment, within and as presence and awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create and manifest a feeling of anxiety within and as me because I feel like I
can never do ‘enough’.
I commit myself to do only what I can do in a single breath,
breath by breath, within and as self-direction always.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
bring everything I have to do Here in one moment, within the belief that I need
to do it all now and charging it with a sense of urgency, thus overwhelming myself
in this moment, instead of taking into consideration the many steps each
project or task requires, and the consistent daily application required in
order to get it all done, bit by bit.
I commit myself to map out the necessary steps required to
complete a plan, and then to take those steps one by one, until it’s done, no
matter how long it takes.
I commit myself to remain patient with myself as I move at
the pace of the physical, and not within the instant gratification of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create the internal energetic experience of impatience, anxiousness and stagnation
when I am waiting for an event, instead of realizing and understanding that Who
I Am in the moment is what determines me, not what I do nor how many events
come and go.
I commit myself to continue to push and apply myself in every
moment, especially in the time between events, because that is the time where I
have nothing to motivate me, and where I must really apply myself to move
myself.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to consider that each time I get overwhelmed and fall within my daily
responsibility to myself, I create more work for later, which will build up and
thus I am manifesting the overwhelming and anxious experience which I am
creating within and as me in the first place, only now it’s for real.
I commit myself to push through and maintain my stability through
periods of ‘overwhelmingness’, and to not get lost within them, because I know
they are of energy, and energy is only ever temporary. I realize and understand
that, if I push through, I will come out of it a little stronger and a little
more stable, and that is how I build/manifest and create myself.
I commit myself to build/manifest/create for/as myself a self
that I can trust and depend on, by constantly and consistently making the
decision to bring myself back Here, out of the mind and into the physical,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
manifest the actual real-life and real-time experience of overwhlmingness and
anxiety for myself by constantly creating the experience for myself in my mind.
I commit myself to STOP creating myself unconsciously, at the
whim of/as my mind, and to create myself instead within and as self-direction,
where I decide who/how I will be.
I commit myself to stop all anxiety and overwhelmingness as
it comes up in/as me, and to instead direct myself to move me to self-directed
actions that I choose in accordance with doing what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create resistances for myself in relation to responsibilities in my life and
world, because I know deep down that I can never do enough to get me ‘there’,
thus I know deep down that no matter how much I do and how hard I try, I will
always end up burnt out and overwhelmed because there’s no other way to do it
than one day at a time, one action at a time, and one breath at a time, Here.
I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by looking for the
easy way out and looking for an escape from Here. I see, realize and understand that no matter
how hard I try to get tHere, I will always only be Here with me, so I commit
myself to make the choice to be Here, wholly.
Self-forgiveness and Self-commitments continued in the next blog...
I recently sat in on an Eqafe interview and an interesting
thing happened. I wasn’t feeling tired before the interview began, but as I was
listening I had to fight to stay awake. At one point I was even dreaming with
my eyes open. What this indicates is that I was hearing information that my
mind did NOT want to hear or accept, like a self-preservation/defense
mechanism. Which is interesting because that was the topic of the interview.