Day 202- What Your Excuses are Telling You

I recently sat in on an Eqafe interview and an interesting thing happened. I wasn’t feeling tired before the interview began, but as I was listening I had to fight to stay awake. At one point I was even dreaming with my eyes open. What this indicates is that I was hearing information that my mind did NOT want to hear or accept, like a self-preservation/defense mechanism. Which is interesting because that was the topic of the interview.

The interview was discussing the tendency we have to justify, excuse or limit ourselves to remain a certain way or in a certain personality or habit. For example, I had been facing the point of being shy in a group. I always accepted this as a part of me or of my personality that was unchangeable, and I would  justify remaining this way by telling myself that certain experiences I had had in my life had formed me and now this is how I am. The memories of being bullied or embarrassed in front of a group would come back to haunt me and create a fear or resistance, so in the same or similar situations I would withdraw within myself and want to become invisible, trying to avoid having this memory replay.

So what is happening here is that the mind is using memories to defend this original self-definition or belief, in order to keep up the ‘shyness’ personality and all the reactions that go with that. This is instead of the common sense approach of the person having an experience, learning from it and changing through letting it go and trying something new.

In this, we can see that nothing of us is set in stone, everything is changeable, and we can learn, grow and evolve. But we use excuses based on past memories to justify why we can’t change, and how impossible it is to grow, learn and evolve. This is an important realization, because next time I see myself saying: “I’m this way because…..” or “I can’t do that because…”, I know these are red flags showing me that I am at a moment of opportunity, where I can simply bypass the justifications and excuses, and walk into a new situation with a ‘blank slate’, to really experience what I am in fact capable of.

 

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Day 128- Organic Robot Programmed to Fail

Within this blog I am exploring and investigating the concept of pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ as a way of living, which so many of us do, but mostly to our own detriment (continued from this series: Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student ). This topic was brought up in relation to the difficulties I experience while studying, wherein I have realized that over time, I have basically programmed myself, through a system of likes and dislikes, to want to give up and fail (easy way out= like), instead of fully commiting, applying myself and doing my best (difficult way= dislike). I have seen that this is not set in stone, likes and dislikes are choices, programmed over time through reptition of thoughts/words/deeds, mostly done in unawareness. Thankfully, this can be re-done, over time, in awareness, AS awareness, to actual real-time living Here.

Without fully investigating our likes and dislikes in order to understand 'what is this force that is driving us', we are essentially not the creators of our own lives and thus, not responsible for our thoughts, words and deeds. So what then is this force that is directing us, that we are accepting and allowing to act in our stead without even taking the time to understand how we created it, or even considering that it is in fact something created by ourselves.

In fully investigating these concepts and seeing, realizing and understanding how I have created ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by them, I empower myself to take myself back and become a creator of myself in presence and awareness. In this, I can take myself back from the influence of the endless forms of manipulation, both internal and external, in order to walk, step by step, into and as a human being that is Living for Real, Here, in Real Time, with all other beings that are Living Here Together, in consideration of one another. This can only start to work if we work together in equality and as a oneness with each other. Thus, I continue here with my process of walking out of the mind and into reality, by writing self-forgivenss and deriving self-commitments and self-corrective application therefrom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I commit myself to Live Here, in Reality, without the internal or external influences that activate within and as me as my mind and direct me according to a system of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ that I created/manifested/developed within/as me without any awareness, to the point that I would be living a life that is not best for me or in any way relevant for all.

When and as I see that my thoughts, words and/or deeds are being influenced by an internal or external ‘pull/ or ‘repulsion’ to/from certain things due to my experience of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ to/towards that something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that the repulsion/attraction is not taking into consideration what is best for me, nor the consequences the action/word/thought will have within my life or the world, and on top of that, the energetic experience of repulsion/attraction will most likely lead me to thoughts/words/deeds that are not beneficial but rather quite destructive towards myself and my world, if and when I accept and allow them to influence and direct myself and my living. Examples of such things are: attraction to sugar, unhealthy foods, smoking, wasting time, gossiping, etc… and repulsion towards: doing my studies, living the words I speak, eating healthy, exercising, waking up early to go to work, tending to responsibilities in my world, such as finances and legal documents/paperwork etc….

 

Within these examples I see that, I am attracted to everything that would be to my detriment if lived out over a lifetime, and the things I experience a repulsion towards are things that would benefit me if lived out over a lifetime. This goes to show that our automated minds do not have ourselves nor our worlds in our best interest. Therefore, this proves the importance of investigating the mind and stopping the judgments of likes and dislikes, and any and all judgments, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, etc… that do not have the best interest of all at their source.

 

The process of self-forgiveness makes this possible, and creates space to re-program oneself to equality to what’s here, meaning- no repulsion or attraction, but rather a oneness to what’s here- all beings, nature, matter etc… so that we may direct ourselves in accordance to ways in which through living action over time, results that are best for all will be created and manifested as reality....

When I re-read over what I just wrote, I see within me a reaction to the words “to re-program”.
 

When I investigate these reactions I see that I have a negative judgment towards these words. But if I remove the judgment and look at the words for what they are, I see that this is so: we have minds that are programmable, no one would 'like' to hear this, but this has been proven over and over again in science, commonsense and simple observable daily living. I can see that my habits are actions and behaviours that have been programmed by myself into and as my living by repeating them over time.

 

So now, when decide I want to live new ‘habits’ and ‘patterns’, I experience resistances towards letting go of the old ones, and then difficulty in changing, or re-programming myself to incorporate the new. However, over time, the new habits and patterns become easier, as my mind adjusts to the re-programming that I have done in awareness, wherein I will have replaced eating junk with eating healthy; staying up late and sleeping in late with going to bed at a decent hour and waking up early and rested for work; writing myself out at night in blogs rather than watching television/movies/killing time before bed, etc….. Creating myself anew, becoming the author of a new script, a new program that will benefit me and one that I ensure will benefit those around me and the world, by simply treating others as I would want to be treated within and through living the principles of equality and oneness (EqualMoney.org)

 

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I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

 

Day 123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

This blog is continued from my last blog and it is a part of this series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

In italics are the paragraphs from my last blog, which I will be deconstructing with self-forgiveness:

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feeling like being confronted by a defiant child and feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angry and yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave defiantly within and towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defy myself and fall in the face of my own defiance because of the fear of negative consequence of myself throwing an internal tantrum because I’m not ‘getting my way’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for doing something that I am in complete control of, within the belief that I am helpless to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.

Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television and hanging out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that dealing with resistances in the moment may seem painful, but not dealing with them, and instead succumbing to them creates way more pain and suffering in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life is about pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is only self-interest in that, there is no principle of equality and oneness within each individual pursuing their ‘likes’ and avoiding their ‘dislikes’, there is no consideration for the effect one’s life is having upon another within this, there is only the consequence of the world we see today: each man for himself, pursue money and indulgance, and avoid suffering and poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ lacks any kind of process of self-understanding, nor does it involve the understanding that sorting out problems and taking responsibility is something most all people will not ‘like’ doing, within themselves or the world. Therefore, when we live to only experience our ‘likes’, we condemn ourselves and generations to come to a world deprived of any real life or living, only a world of war as each fights for their own lives/likes.

To be continued….

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