Within this blog I will begin to work through the point of
guilt that I have existed within and as throughout my life. Guilt is a point
that has directed me very much in terms of my interaction with others in my
life and world, at point that has had very much to do with how I
experience/experienced myself as how I saw the myself as who and how I am, and
it has led me down a destructive path of self-compromise as I constantly and
continuously would attempt to ‘make up for’ who and how I am because I saw/see myself
as ‘owing’ something to everyone. What I didn’t realize is that this debt that
I perceived myself to exist as wasn’t something that could be ‘paid off’
through ‘paying it back’ to people and things outside myself. It is actually a
self-created debt that is manifested through constantly giving myself away.
This is interesting because it demonstrates how guilt will perpetuate itself because in the attempt to ‘pay back what I had taken, I have been essentially giving more and more of myself away, feeling more and more guilty and indebted, thus creating the experience of ‘giving up’, limitedness and feeling trapped and seeing only dead ends. It’s like, the more I tried, the worse it got.
The point of ‘guilt’ is multi-faceted. I had/have manifested this point within myself through interacting with myself and others in such a way that did not honour myself and others as myself. If I can’t/don’t honour myself, I can’t/don’t honour others as me. Due to the factthat I was unaware of the extent of self-interest that was my starting point within relationships, I did not understand how I was creating more and more guilt in my life. Within this blog I am specifically looking at the guilt I created through relationships wherein, instead of treating my partners from a starting point of equality and oneness, meaning, treating them with the dignity and respect that I myself would like to receive, I would instead look for that dignity and respect from them without in fact giving it to myself and to them first. I am also looking at as this point in relation to giving as I would like to receive wherein, I have treated others, usually in secret, in ways in which I would never want to be treated. Also, I will b looking at the points of blame , which is an abdication of self-responsibility, as well as the resent that tends to manifest within my relationships.
To begin, I will be looking at early relationships in my life, starting with looking at why I chose the specific individals I ended up with.
A repeating pattern within the beginning of relationships has been becoming ‘interested’ in partners from a starting point of
competition with other
women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become attracted to males, to want/need/desire males, and to specifically focus in on and target a specific male, because of and due to the fact that I think/believe/perceive that ‘getting him’, ‘conquering’ him, manipulating and ‘seducing’ him would satisfy my need to feel superior to the women in my world with whom I am in competition- thus focusing in on and targeting men that others desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become attracted to males, to want/need/desire males, and to specifically focus in on and target a specific male, because of and due to the fact that I think/believe/perceive that ‘getting him’, ‘conquering’ him, manipulating and ‘seducing’ him would satisfy my need to feel superior to the women in my world with whom I am in competition- thus focusing in on and targeting men that others desire.
Women and Competition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view other women as my
competition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from
other women within and through seeing them as a threat and thinking/believing/perceiving
that if I can compete with them and win in some way then I won’t have to fear
being threatened by them, and thus not leading me to perceive myself as ‘less than’, ‘less-deserving’,
and;less important’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse
myself and my physical body by/through using physical appearance, body language,
vocal tones, wording, gestures and clothing to be/become of utmost competition
with other women- thus suppressing my natural expression as Who I Am, and instead
conforming, contorting and manipulating myself to fit into the idea,
perception, belief, picture presentation of myself that I judge
as ‘of utmost competitiveness’- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding
the self-abuse inherent in this as the absolute denial of myself and my
self-expression, and the abuse towards others as the men I manipulate/use/abuse
for the sake of my own personal energetic experience as an apparent ‘gain’ in
self-interest, as well as abuse towards women in my world, as I support and
promote competition instead of actual beneficial support towards other women,
as understanding and empowerment, and equal and one communication and
interaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the inferiority/superiority game with women, wherein I would constantly bounce back and forth between experiencing myself as less-than other women, seeing other women as always more beautiful, more fun, more confident/together/mature.
Within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge myself as not confident, not ‘together’, and immature,
based on a fleeting internal experience caused by an accumulation of
thoughts
throughout the day, week, hour, minute, month, year, that would create an
internal energetic experience of inferiority in that moment that I would then
project on to other women through comparison, and feed the energetic experience
to continue it, because of the lack of seeing, realizing and understanding of
what it is and how it works…. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding
that the energetic experience is created and designed within me, by me, to
perpetuate itself as an automated program without any grain of integrity as a
self-standing of/as who I am and what I will accept and allow within myself,
Instead, it is a complete and utter self-abdication to experience and to energy wherein
I would direct myself within and through the principle of ‘I feel it therefor
it must be true’, without ever even questioning the
experience of cross-referencing it with my actual reality over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to experience myself as superior to/towards other women,
wherein I would feel more beautiful, more confident and more
fun/together/mature, thus diminishing the other women in my mind in order
to feed the positive
energetic experience of superiority which is caused by fear of being/becoming inFEARior to another
and thus directing my internal experience of/as thoughts/feelings/self-talk to
the point where I would actually then physically change and
appear more confident, more together, more ‘fun’ (not a true expression of fun,
but rather a manipulative presentation of what I had/have judged as ‘a woman that is
fun’), instead of participating with other women as myself, as one with myself
and as my equals, that I would offer the same respect as I myself would like to
receive, that I would not diminish in my secret mind, but instead being and
becoming aware of that secret mind and exposing it, such as I am doing, in
order to be able to stop it as the thoughts come up, so that I may never again
be fooled by the mind within the insane logic of: ‘because I am thinking it- it
must be true’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to use males, and the relationship I am able to develop
to/towards males, as a strategy/strategic point that I could use to, through
successfully seducing, gaining their interest and desire, secure my superior
position to/towards other women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see males as strategic players in the game of life, because of and due to the extent to which I have separated myself both from men and from women, due to self-interest as seeing ‘my survival’ as the most important, ‘my fear’ as the one to appease at any cost to myself or others, and ‘my insecurities’ as so important that I should play mind games with myself in order to manipulate myself and use ‘players’ in my world to manipulate myself and how I feel inside in a desperate and never ending attempt to create the feeling of security and comfort- which once attained, always run out and never last, thus creating an endless up and down cycle of repetition instead of an inner stability that is constant and dependable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see males as strategic players in the game of life, because of and due to the extent to which I have separated myself both from men and from women, due to self-interest as seeing ‘my survival’ as the most important, ‘my fear’ as the one to appease at any cost to myself or others, and ‘my insecurities’ as so important that I should play mind games with myself in order to manipulate myself and use ‘players’ in my world to manipulate myself and how I feel inside in a desperate and never ending attempt to create the feeling of security and comfort- which once attained, always run out and never last, thus creating an endless up and down cycle of repetition instead of an inner stability that is constant and dependable.
To be continued...
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