Your Secrets Keep You Sick (Your Lies Keep You Alive)

 

"No one gets through Life unscathed"  - this was a line channelled through me from my former business coach. Once he revealed to me he was a channel I insisted he channel for me in one of our coaching sessions. He agreed, and started typing, writing me out better than I had ever written myself out before. This line has always stuck with me, because I realized, if you are alive, you will experience abuse. You will experience betrayal, you will be scarred, wounded and hurt in some way. It reminds me of a passage in Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet, describing how a great many would choose death over enduring the wrath that Life can deal, within the belief that anything is better than this earthly experience:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

If I am honest with myself I can see that ever since I was a child I have been a victim to life. By simply absorbing the "slings and arrows" and the "thousand natural shocks" that all flesh is heir to. By burying the hurts that happened 'to me' deep down, and holding the belief that I simply can not make it in this world. I am a victim. I am disempowered. I cannot do it. And in this way, it is like choosing death. Death without actually dying. Death as Not Living, as merely surviving until actual death comes. And along the way, with bits and spurts of empowerment, where I believed I could achieve something through my actions, when it did not turn out as I had planned, it would validate the apparent inadequacy and reconfirm the limiting self-beliefs. And it's still there. I can feel it in the fiber of my being, like a stubborn stoppage that needs to be proved wrong thousands upon thousands of times before I'd consider letting it go. It's like a safety net as a hesitation before each action, which becomes manipulation as a way to get what one wants and needs in Life, within the belief that this is the only way.

Although with Desteni, the tools and support from others, along with embracing the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Life's way of teaching, the "thousand natural shocks" as Life's way of shocking us out of our programming, so long as we are willing to accept it - I have learned that I do not need this anymore. That I can be direct and up front about what I want and need. I can go for it even if it means disrupting my reality and others within it, so long as there exists the agreement that they can also be direct and upfront about what they want and need. It takes some courage and balls, especially when you start exploring the outer boundaries of wants and needs, and finding that the quest for satisfaction can be insatiable, unquenchable, and you have to come to the realization that satisfaction comes as a decision of when enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within a perception and belief that it is necessary to do so in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my actions manipulatively within what I hold as a secret formula for survival, where each action must have some kind of future pay off that will come back to and benefit me, but instead of being open and honest with myself about the starting point of my actions, I delude myself with that false perception that the actions are altruistic and benevolent, knowing deep down that this is a lie I beLIEve is keeping me aLIEve, while I keep the reality of me a secret which is held within the self-delusion that nobody can know if I do not admit it, not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the transactional nature of the reality within which I exist, where I think and believe I have to live up to some form of absolute and unconditional altruism, judging anything transactional as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, ‘greedy’, ‘selfish’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘not best for all’, without seeing and realizing that such transactions can benefit everyone involved, and the transactional nature of this reality can be purified if it is done openly, honestly, in agreement and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my own lies by thinking and believing only unconditional altruism is acceptable, while at the same time seeing and realizing that this is an impossible standard, but instead of getting real about truth and reality, I move into deception and lies, putting up an ‘altruistic front’, while in the background/secret mind knowing there is self-interest, there is expectation, there is payment due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my actions and behaviours in order to try and attempt to manipulate my reality into ‘getting something in return for my efforts’, thus creating within me an expectation of a certain outcome from my world and reality where – if that outcome is not achieved, I feel abused by life, the world, reality and others within it, within the justification and excuse of ‘look at all and everything that I’ve done – now give me what’s mine, what I deserve” - all based on an idea or fantasy I had created of what my actions would bring or create in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, myself, life, existence and reality when I do not get what I believe is my ‘just reward’ for ‘what I have done’ to ‘deserve’ it when in fact the entire formula had been created in my mind alone, with an exact desired result, without considering others, who they are, the nature of existence, reality and life, and without considering Who I Am within those actions, but only looking at the actions themselves and the payback reward I hold as an expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others or life for what happens ‘to me’ in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment and anger about the things that happen in my life, thus accepting and allowing myself to become smaller and weaker, instead of learning from the things that happen in my life, and using them to become stronger, wiser, more understanding and thus – able to understand and support others as me – from victim to empowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full self-responsibility for what happens to me in life, in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about how I create my life, my reality and how what happens ‘to me’ is a direct result of who and how I have been and have lived, equal and one as input/output.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest about my input as me into my life/Life, so that I can then apply self-honesty and purify my input, thus purifying my output and the life I create for myself and others in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself instead of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then hide from my own self-judgment by creating a false perception of myself according to what I define as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’, ‘worthy’, acting only in ways I deem as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘worthy’ as actions of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself and kill myself in a try and attempt to be ‘perfect’, living the lie that I am ‘perfect’ as every action is judged and assessed as ‘perfect’ which should bring ‘perfection’ into my life as what I fantasize as what perfection and life ‘should be’ according to my desires, thinking and believing that this is what is holding in place my survival, “keeping me alive” as obtaining my desires, desired outcome as if energetic desires was life, and without them “I die”, not seeing and realizing that only myself as my ego fears ‘not obtaining my desires’ as energy to feed myself as my mind/ego to continue. Within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny reality, simplicity, and the physicality of Life and what one actually needs to live here and to Live Here, placing myself into ‘survival’ as my ego trying to survive, instead of living, simply, Here as physical needs, which includes living words of ‘trust’ – lived physically, ‘love’ – lived physically, ‘support’ - lived physically, ‘care’ - lived physically, and so on, identifying physical needs and finding ways to live them physically as acts of true care, for others as myself, as giving as I would like to receive.

Take a Breath Before You Speak

 

“Take a breath before you speak” follows the phrase “Be silent always” within the below quote by Bernard Poolman. What I have noticed is that the effectiveness with which you are able to quiet your mind determines what you must consider in the breath you take before you speak. 

 (continued from Be Silent Always)

Thoughts, feelings and emotions cannot be trusted, yet this is what busies our minds. If something makes you feel good energetically – you can now not be trusted by Life. If something makes you feel bad energetically, you cannot be trusted by Life. If you think thoughts secretly, you cannot be trusted by Life. It is all based in self-interest - considering self only - self’s hidden fears and desires, self’s highs and lows. Self’s dopamine and serotonin levels. If thoughts, feelings and emotions are accepted and allowed to manifest and grow within people, what you see is the murders, the rape, the malice, the contempt, the pain and suffering whether physical or emotional being deliberately inflicted upon one human being by another. The fact that billions of innocent people are starving is an outflow of self-interest, and the fact that nobody actually cares is an outflow of self-interest. A child starving is the result of pure evil on a collective level, not one person is exempt.   

 So, whether your starting point feels good or feels bad, the outcome is always the same – evil, harmful, untrustworthy. Love turns to hate, desire turns to possession, attraction turns to rape. It’s only a matter of how far you chose to take it. But even in the most minutest doses, we are all collectively impulsing evil through self-interest, through valuing what we create in our minds secretly, through even accepting and allowing the seed to exist within us. How can you condemn rape if you lust? How can you condemn possession if you also desire? Anything polarized into ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ by self-interest that you participate with in your mind is a seed of evil, and is why the world and humanity exist as they do today. It is just too easy to deny and become offended by. We don’t want to see or admit it, but common-sense dictates.

In the breath you take before you speak, you have a quantum moment to clear yourself, to not speak evil, to not impulse evil into this reality through fear, spite, hate, lust, desire, or any other feeling, emotion or secret thoughts. If your mind was busy before you speak, then the slate you have to clear exist only between your two ears. You cannot be trusted to direct anything beyond that. Self First. It is a moment that you give yourself to take absolute self-responsibility for yourself, your words and their outflows. Only when your mind is silent always can you be trusted to direct the greater reality. In between these two points is the learning process which will inevitably create consequence through mistakes, failures, trial and error. Learn from consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak within and as emotion, emotional accumulation or emotional reaction, when I know that the words I speak from this starting point is like spitting venom into my reality and the people within it. Nothing constructive comes from me and from my words when spoken from an emotional starting point.

I forgive myself for participating within and as emotions when I know where they lead every time, when I know there is deception within my words, that there is ulterior motive, and within this, that my words cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from a starting point of fear, where instead of addressing and facing the fear head on, I speak words of indirect manipulation, trying to manipulate reality into such a way where I do not have to face my fears, making the statement to myself that I cannot stand in the face of my fears, and bringing others into my game of avoidance without considering the effect this has on them, on the greater whole, and what I am impulsing into all of existence.

I forgive myself for participating in my fears, feeding them with thoughts, anticipations, imaginary worst-case scenario play-outs and who I will be within it all, bringing out my worst in my mind when I know I can be better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from a starting point of blame or abdication of self-responsibility, thus making the statement to myself that I am not responsible for me, I cannot take responsibility for myself, and placing it upon others and them changing so that I can remain in my comfort zone and not have to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as a result of building myself within and as emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from a starting point of feelings, feeling accumulation, or feeling reaction, where I feel good about something and so do not want to lose it, do not want to lose the positive energy or energy high, and so will manipulate my reality to keep me feeling this way, wherein when something or someone changes and I lose or fear to lose my positive state, I blame that someone or something, becoming nasty and spiteful, thus playing out the polarity of the positive feeling energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from a positive energy high, not grounding my words in reality, not assessing myself and what it is I am pushing, which is only seeking to keep and maintain my positive energy high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from a starting point of desire, desiring something outside of myself to fulfill me, wherein my words cannot be trusted because they are contaminated with desire and secretly trying to fulfill secret desires that I hold due to an experience of lack, as if something outside of myself could fulfill this lack that I myself created through denying my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak within and as positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take a breath before I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak so quickly that I do not give myself a moment to take self-responsibility for my words and Who I Am within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is ‘too much to work through’ in one moment, not seeing and realizing that I can work in quantum time with my awareness through practicing self-honesty and seeing myself for real, for Who I Really Am and what it is I am busy doing, so that in that quantum moment I can make a correction and a change and be a better version of myself as the words I choose to speak.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to clear my slate before I speak, ensuring that the words I speak can be trusted by Life and by the people in my life, my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘forget’ to take a breath before I speak, as if who I choose to be in every moment is unimportant, as if falling into automated autopilot programming is not a big deal and can be applied haphazardly here and there when I feel like it, instead of seeing and realizing that it is literally everything, from the very small to the existential – this is what creates Self and the reality we live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush/rushedness when I speak, getting the answer out as fast as possible to avoid having to see myself for real, experience myself for real, take self-responsibility for real, and instead spit my words out sloppily, contaminated, full of energetic charges for other people, my environment and reality to deal with, which always actually ends up coming back to me in some shape or form as my own consequence that I created in unawareness and will now have to walk until I get it, until I decide to finally change.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ‘see more’, to see beyond myself, without first fully mastering myself, quieting myself, where the try and attempt to ‘see more’ is actually just a distraction from myself and having to see myself, correct myself and put in the effort, dedication and commitment to change myself for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot clearly check my words in one breath before I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I see and feel within myself, blinding myself from being able to clear my words before I speak.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to clear my words before I speak.

 

 

Gravity: A Beautiful Coward's Song: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Looking at John Mayer's song 'Gravity', a song that strikes deep, yearning, mourning and soulful chords in me, bringing it back to self to see what exactly this song accesses on deeper levels.

I like the use of the word 'gravity' in the song because of its dual meaning. On the one hand, it is the "force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth", while on the other hand it also refers to the "serious or critical nature" of an issue, like the gravity of the situation we are collectively facing here on earth, for example.

Now, it is not uncommon for people to not want to face the gravity of the situation on earth, or the grave situations in their own lives, like in the song, where John Mayer sings "Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me" and "Just keep me where the light is" is like wanting to turn a blind eye from the grave, serious and critical things that require our attention, focus and intervention, while also wanting to only experience the 'positive' things in life, where the "light is".

For me, this song has me looking back on my life to all of the grave situations Ive faced, the deaths, the heartbreaks, the losses, the hurts, the struggles, the falls, the shames - and with the feel and tone of the song, I want to look at it as if life has been a constant beating down, as if some outside force is coming in and doing this unto me...

"Gravity is working against me, And gravity wants to bring me down".

...and then the song is like a pleading to stop, like saying 'please just stop and leave me alone and let me experience the light'.

It's interesting because in looking at this point I had a re-listen to the gravity recordings from EQAFE, where gravity itself explains its role in the creation and manifestation process, where we, each and every one of us, are in fact the creators of our own lives, realities and experiences, and the force of gravity in multi-dimensions has played a role in this self-creation process through the compression and layering of physical reality and the realities of each one of us.

Now, since the opening of the portal and the changes in existence, gravity is actually working WITH our beingness potentials, and supporting us through this manifestation process, where everything that happens to us, the good, the bad and the ugly, is all specific and is Here to assist and support us to shape, form, mold and create ourselves into and as our utmost potential selves, so long as we work WITH events, situations and play-outs in our lives moment-to-moment, breath by breath - which the only way it can be done.

So, it's in a way funny and ironic that John Mayor sings;

"Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down"

When in fact, all gravity is asking of us is to work WITH it, to work WITH reality and everything that comes up and happens in our lives, in our minds and in our bodies, so that we can actually use our creative force to create, form and shape that potential that is here in terms of having all the ingredients as the words, the expressions, the forgiveness and changes we are capable of - all of it here at our fingertips.

So it's also quite ironic when he says:

"Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away",

When in fact it is revealed in the recording that we know exactly what makes us (as it is US making/creating ourselves), and the 'throwing it all away" is the simple act of not taking self-responsibility for our own creation by blaming it on an outside force as if it is being done 'unto' us and thus apparently not within our own self-directive principle to direct.

My takeaways here are thus to embrace gravity, as it grounds me to this earth, and to face the grave part of myself, not flee to the light, but to delve into the gravity of the situations I have created and "dream of ways" to change them in terms of finding solutions to the problems and walking them through step by step, day by day. And to also look back on my life, and instead of focusing on all the hardships and difficulties, to focus on those parts of myself that I cultivated and accessed in order to get through them, to rise to the occasion, and to overcome them to the point that I am still here today, still walking, still pushing and still never, ever giving up.

From EQAFE - Gravity: The Origins of Gravity - Earth, Nature, and Weather:

Part One

"What if gravity was a force that not only existed in our three dimensional world, but also in levels of reality that we have not considered?
We know that gravity is a force that compresses and holds things together - but how far exactly does this force go and how have previous civilizations in history used this knowledge?"
 

Part Two

"Are you understanding the gravity of the situation?
That is a term we hear when we need to get clear about an issue and our responsibility within it. But what does that practically mean?
What role does gravity have to play in each moment of our lives, and how can we best use this understanding when facing challenges?"

Gravity Live in L.A.

Day 132- Why do Women Always Want Other Women's Men?

Within this blog I will begin to work through the point of guilt that I have existed within and as throughout my life. Guilt is a point that has directed me very much in terms of my interaction with others in my life and world, at point that has had very much to do with how I experience/experienced myself as how I saw the myself as who and how I am, and it has led me down a destructive path of self-compromise as I constantly and continuously would attempt to ‘make up for’ who and how I am because I saw/see myself as ‘owing’ something to everyone. What I didn’t realize is that this debt that I perceived myself to exist as wasn’t something that could be ‘paid off’ through ‘paying it back’ to people and things outside myself. It is actually a self-created debt that is manifested through constantly giving myself away.

This is interesting because it demonstrates how guilt will perpetuate itself because in the attempt to ‘pay back what I had taken, I have been essentially giving more and more of myself away, feeling more and more guilty and indebted, thus creating the experience of ‘giving up’, limitedness and feeling trapped and seeing only dead ends. It’s like, the more I tried, the worse it got.

The point of ‘guilt’ is multi-faceted. I had/have manifested this point within myself through interacting with myself and others in such a way that did not honour myself and others as myself. If I can’t/don’t honour myself, I can’t/don’t honour others as me. Due to the factthat I was unaware of the extent of self-interest that was my starting point within relationships, I did not understand how I was creating more and more guilt in my life. Within this blog I am specifically looking at the guilt I created through relationships wherein, instead of treating my partners from a starting point of equality and oneness, meaning, treating them with the dignity and respect that I myself would like to receive, I would instead look for that dignity and respect from them without in fact giving it to myself and to them first. I am also looking at as this point in relation to giving as I would like to receive wherein, I have treated others, usually in secret, in ways in which I would never want to be treated. Also, I will b looking at the points of blame , which is an abdication of self-responsibility, as well as the resent that tends to manifest within my relationships.

To begin, I will be looking at early relationships in my life, starting with looking at why I chose the specific individals I ended up with.
A repeating pattern within the beginning of relationships has been becoming ‘interested’ in partners from a starting point of

competition with other women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become attracted to males, to want/need/desire males, and to specifically focus in on and target a specific male, because of and due to the fact that I think/believe/perceive that ‘getting him’, ‘conquering’ him, manipulating and ‘seducing’ him would satisfy my need to feel superior to the women in my world with whom I am in competition- thus focusing in on and targeting men that others desire.

Women and Competition

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view other women as my competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other women within and through seeing them as a threat and thinking/believing/perceiving that if I can compete with them and win in some way then I won’t have to fear being threatened by them, and thus not leading me to perceive myself as ‘less than’, ‘less-deserving’, and;less important’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse myself and my physical body by/through using physical appearance, body language, vocal tones, wording, gestures and clothing to be/become of utmost competition with other women- thus suppressing my natural expression as Who I Am, and instead conforming, contorting and manipulating myself to fit into the idea, perception, belief, picture presentation of myself that I judge as ‘of utmost competitiveness’- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the self-abuse inherent in this as the absolute denial of myself and my self-expression, and the abuse towards others as the men I manipulate/use/abuse for the sake of my own personal energetic experience as an apparent ‘gain’ in self-interest, as well as abuse towards women in my world, as I support and promote competition instead of actual beneficial support towards other women, as understanding and empowerment, and equal and one communication and interaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the inferiority/superiority game with women, wherein I would constantly bounce back and forth between experiencing myself as less-than other women, seeing other women as always more beautiful, more fun, more confident/together/mature.

Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not confident, not ‘together’, and immature, based on a fleeting internal experience caused by an accumulation of

 

thoughts throughout the day, week, hour, minute, month, year, that would create an internal energetic experience of inferiority in that moment that I would then project on to other women through comparison, and feed the energetic experience to continue it, because of the lack of seeing, realizing and understanding of what it is and how it works…. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the energetic experience is created and designed within me, by me, to perpetuate itself as an automated program without any grain of integrity as a self-standing of/as who I am and what I will accept and allow within myself, Instead, it is a complete and utter self-abdication to experience and to energy wherein I would direct myself within and through the principle of ‘I feel it therefor it must be true’, without ever even questioning the experience of cross-referencing it with my actual reality over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as superior to/towards other women, wherein I would feel more beautiful, more confident and more fun/together/mature, thus diminishing the other women in my mind in order to feed the positive energetic experience of superiority which is caused by fear of being/becoming inFEARior to another and thus directing my internal experience of/as thoughts/feelings/self-talk to the point where I would actually then physically change and appear more confident, more together, more ‘fun’ (not a true expression of fun, but rather a manipulative presentation of what I had/have judged as ‘a woman that is fun’), instead of participating with other women as myself, as one with myself and as my equals, that I would offer the same respect as I myself would like to receive, that I would not diminish in my secret mind, but instead being and becoming aware of that secret mind and exposing it, such as I am doing, in order to be able to stop it as the thoughts come up, so that I may never again be fooled by the mind within the insane logic of: ‘because I am thinking it- it must be true’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use males, and the relationship I am able to develop to/towards males, as a strategy/strategic point that I could use to, through successfully seducing, gaining their interest and desire, secure my superior position to/towards other women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see males as strategic players in the game of life, because of and due to the extent to which I have separated myself both from men and from women, due to self-interest as seeing ‘my survival’ as the most important, ‘my fear’ as the one to appease at any cost to myself or others, and ‘my insecurities’ as so important that I should play mind games with myself in order to manipulate myself and use ‘players’ in my world to manipulate myself and how I feel inside in a desperate and never ending attempt to create the feeling of security and comfort- which once attained, always run out and never last, thus creating an endless up and down cycle of repetition instead of an inner stability that is constant and dependable.

To be continued...

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Day 84- Making the Decision: Taking Myself Back

Within this blog I am making the self-commitment statements and scripting the self-corrective application based on yesterday’s blog, “Day83- Why Can’t I Make A Decision,” in order to take myself back from the indecisiveness, anger and frustration which I manifest within and as me when I participate in trying to gain validation and approval for my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by another/others within my decision-making process, I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back and give myself ownership of my decisions by breathing through any energetic reactions I experience within and as me, and I direct myself to make a quick list of the pros and cons of all sides of the decision when necessary, in order to write out self-forgiveness so that I may see the decision more clearly.

I commit myself to be the directive principle of myself within my decision-making, so that I may make all decisions based in/on self-honesty and practical common-sense, in alignment of what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based in self-interest in trying/attempting to gain approval/validation, I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept/allow myself to make the decision in this state, and I clear myself through writing self-forgiveness, using self-honesty, and making the decision only when I can check and see that I am clear.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to take myself back from the approval-seeking character, and to instead walk as Me, Here.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to others outsde of me and making them responsible for my decision, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction through taking self-responsibility for my decisions, and commiting myself to stand within all decisions that I make.

I commit myself to end the separation I have accepted and allowed to exist between myself and others by stopping my want/need/desire for validation and approval from others outside of me.

When and as I see that I am seeking approval and validation from others outside of me I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here by validating and approving of myself through and as self-acceptance within the understanding that I will stand within my own decisions and actions by taking self-responsibility for them and thus standing within my actions and decisions as Me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me during the decision-making process by standing within and taking self-responsibility for the decisions I make.

When and as I see that I am growing frustrated within making a decision I stop and I breathe. I walk myself out of the frustration by self-honestly looking at where I am giving my decision-making power away by making decisions contingent on others, and then using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application to make the decision contingent on me and my application of the principle of doing what’s best for all and myself as all.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the decisions that I did not take self-responsibility for, and to instead take self-responsibility for all the decision that I make.

When and as I see that I am blaming another/others for a decision that I can’t stand by I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within directing the decision and the outflows/consequences of the decision by taking self-responsibility for them , and doing everything I can to direct the decision or change the decision back to alignment with what’s best for me as all, and walk the process through to completion.

I commit myself to stop ‘taking credit’ for things/actions/decisions in self-interest in order to create a self-image, and instead I focus on the outflows and consequences of the things/actions/decisions and evaluating self-honestly whether or not they are contributing to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to only give/take credit where credit is due.

When and as I see that I am creating a false self-image through ‘taking credit’ for things I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back down to earth within the understanding that giving/taking credit only where credit is due is recognizing whether the outflows and consequences of actions and decision are creating an improved world or not, and then aligning myself only with the actions and decision that are, because anything else would be unacceptable.

I commit myself to stop discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, and to instead make decisions within myself, and discussing them only within and as self-honesty if it is required to gain further perspective on situations or events in order to see points I may not see.

When and as I see that I am discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, wherein I am trying or attempting to CONvince another that what I am doing is ‘right’, or in order to manipulate them to agree with me, with my emotional experience in order to validate my emotions and feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by calling myself out and remembering my self-relationship, wherein I accept myself, forgive myself for what and how I have lived thus far, in order to stop these patterns and habits from existing within/as me.

I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to do the ‘right’ thing according to those in my environment, and to instead do what’s best for all, which begins with self and creating a self that does what’s best for all in all ways.

I commit myself to stand by my decisions and to direct the outcome as much as I am possibly able to, and to direct that outcome to what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making/not making a decision out of fear, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that there is nothing to fear, there is only the experience of regret for decisions with consequences that are not best for me nor in alignment with doing what’s best for all, which is an unnecessary experience that I would rather avoid by breathing through the fear, and acting instead in self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within the principles of oneness and equality, and directing myself to see decisions through.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of my moods and motivation, and to instead direct myself to move according to my principles.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based on laziness, on my mood or motivation, I stop and I breathe through the resistance or the motivational push until I am clear and until I am in full presence and awareness Here, and I make the decision to move from Here.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life.

I commit myself to let go of self-control, and teach myself self-mastery instead.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself as a form of self-control, and to instead build myself as self-movement.

When and as I see that I am sabotaging myself through giving up and giving in I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to my process of self-mastery within pushing myself to take one step at a time, to take the next step, and the next one until the decision has been walked in its entirety.

 

Day 25- Personality vs. Self-Change

            I went for a walk on the beach with a woman today, and throughout the walk I observed myself. I felt like my voice was low, my movements felt awkward, I made little eye contact. Also, I found myself to be immature, meaning- my internal experience of myself in terms of self-judgment and self-consciousness was that I was immature. Then, when we got back to her place and hung out for a bit with her husband, I found myself change because there was now a male in my midst. My voice was higher and more ‘perky.’ I smiled more, made eye contact with him, laughed and was more talkative. It felt, all of a sudden, like there was a ‘purpose.’ I remember once at a bar, a girl said to me that it’s always more fun when you’re out, when you have a male in your sights. I didn’t get it, but soon enough Iknew exactly what she meant. It’s all about sex. I don’t even ‘want’ sex from other males- consciously at least- but subconsciously or unconsciously (not sure), THAT is the goal. So, I finally really saw for the first time, to what extent we are possessed by the point of sex, and the extent to which we suppress our natural expression in order to manipulate others, men and women, on this one point of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my natural expression in order to be/become perceived as a sexual being/potential sex partner to males in my midst, even when I know I don’t really want sex from them, in order to seduce them in some kind of a power game where everyone is aware, but no one acknowledges that our interactions are based on sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself in many little ways, when I am around males, because of the subtle manipulation game of seduction, wherein I have little bursts of energy if I feel I am ‘winning’ the game, because within and as ego, I have programmed myself to want/need/desire to ‘win,’ and to be ‘in control’ of the other and the relationship, wherein I think/believe/perceive that I will have power over the other, so that I can benefit from the relationship somehow, in some way and at some future point in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on my ability to seduce or convey the message of sex to the male in my midst, in order to think/believe/perceive that I have ‘won’ and am in control of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that the energy I experience within sexually-based relationships or interactions with subtle sexual undertones, is Who I Am, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am is no better and no worse than those I’m interacting with, and if I fall for my deception, then I am compromising and limiting myself and my self-expression within the belief that I am this energy, or I need this energy, or this energy makes interaction worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself that sparks or surges or little rushes of positive energetic feedback are something ‘good’ that needs to be pursued and ‘fed,’ instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that the energy is self-created, is short term, and will manifest it’s opposite, and it suppresses and limits me, and prevents me from really actually getting to know myself as who I Am beneath the layers of created personality that I have programmed into myself over a lifetime of suppression, denial and limitation.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize and understand the absolute insanity involved in changing myself for the sake of another, which is like a mental illness of split personalities, where I am one way with one person, and another way with another person, instead of standing up within myself and remaining as a constant and stable self-expression that is not influence by the gender of those in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality suit dependent upon who is in my presence, based upon my judgment of them of rich or poor, intelligent or dull, beneficial to me or not.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to interact with others as my equals, wherein I interact with them as who they really are, and not participate in the ‘little games’ we all play, wherein each is looking for a transaction to take place, either immediately or at some point in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my interactions and relationships by participating within them as if they are transactions, where some benefit is sought, whether it is material or energetic, either immediately or at some imagined future time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself by thinking/believing/perceiving that my experience based on the energetic feedback I receive from an interaction or a relationship, is the ‘point’ or the interaction or relationship, instead of stopping and interacting from a starting point of self-honesty, wherein I express Me and live Me by breathing through any and all reactions, judgments, energetic experiences, thoughts, ideas and beliefs with regards to the other person, the communication taking plce, my own self-judgment and future projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within relationships based on energy and energetic feedback, instead of standing up from within the self-created experience in order to direct myself as the interaction within self-honesty, within and as self-awareness and presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the energetic experience that takes place within and as interactions and relationship, wherein I accept and allow myself to be directed and reactive to the experience, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself, Here.

When and as I see myself participating within the self-created energetic experience of an interaction or relationship I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization and understanding that such participation is suppressing me, and if I allow myself to be directed by it, I will only set myself up for a future fall in a moment when I look for me, but find I’m not there, because I have not allowed myself to emerge.

I commit myself to stop being or becoming directed by the self-created energetic experiences I manifest while, within and as I interact with others, specifically the suppression due to the acceptance and allowance of the initiation of the sex-system within me.

I commit myself to stopping the internal reactions as energy, reactions and judgments that take place within me as I interact with others.

I commit myself to be and become the self-directive principle of me, when and as I interact with others.

I commit myself to let go of the influence

I allow others to have over who and how I am, in order to that who I really am may emerge within relationships.

Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I would become that, I would become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’ what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only ‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback, because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting, needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise, self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust, respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts and  a serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or enjoyable, for example.