Your Secrets Keep You Sick (Your Lies Keep You Alive)

 

"No one gets through Life unscathed"  - this was a line channelled through me from my former business coach. Once he revealed to me he was a channel I insisted he channel for me in one of our coaching sessions. He agreed, and started typing, writing me out better than I had ever written myself out before. This line has always stuck with me, because I realized, if you are alive, you will experience abuse. You will experience betrayal, you will be scarred, wounded and hurt in some way. It reminds me of a passage in Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet, describing how a great many would choose death over enduring the wrath that Life can deal, within the belief that anything is better than this earthly experience:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

If I am honest with myself I can see that ever since I was a child I have been a victim to life. By simply absorbing the "slings and arrows" and the "thousand natural shocks" that all flesh is heir to. By burying the hurts that happened 'to me' deep down, and holding the belief that I simply can not make it in this world. I am a victim. I am disempowered. I cannot do it. And in this way, it is like choosing death. Death without actually dying. Death as Not Living, as merely surviving until actual death comes. And along the way, with bits and spurts of empowerment, where I believed I could achieve something through my actions, when it did not turn out as I had planned, it would validate the apparent inadequacy and reconfirm the limiting self-beliefs. And it's still there. I can feel it in the fiber of my being, like a stubborn stoppage that needs to be proved wrong thousands upon thousands of times before I'd consider letting it go. It's like a safety net as a hesitation before each action, which becomes manipulation as a way to get what one wants and needs in Life, within the belief that this is the only way.

Although with Desteni, the tools and support from others, along with embracing the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Life's way of teaching, the "thousand natural shocks" as Life's way of shocking us out of our programming, so long as we are willing to accept it - I have learned that I do not need this anymore. That I can be direct and up front about what I want and need. I can go for it even if it means disrupting my reality and others within it, so long as there exists the agreement that they can also be direct and upfront about what they want and need. It takes some courage and balls, especially when you start exploring the outer boundaries of wants and needs, and finding that the quest for satisfaction can be insatiable, unquenchable, and you have to come to the realization that satisfaction comes as a decision of when enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within a perception and belief that it is necessary to do so in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my actions manipulatively within what I hold as a secret formula for survival, where each action must have some kind of future pay off that will come back to and benefit me, but instead of being open and honest with myself about the starting point of my actions, I delude myself with that false perception that the actions are altruistic and benevolent, knowing deep down that this is a lie I beLIEve is keeping me aLIEve, while I keep the reality of me a secret which is held within the self-delusion that nobody can know if I do not admit it, not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the transactional nature of the reality within which I exist, where I think and believe I have to live up to some form of absolute and unconditional altruism, judging anything transactional as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, ‘greedy’, ‘selfish’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘not best for all’, without seeing and realizing that such transactions can benefit everyone involved, and the transactional nature of this reality can be purified if it is done openly, honestly, in agreement and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my own lies by thinking and believing only unconditional altruism is acceptable, while at the same time seeing and realizing that this is an impossible standard, but instead of getting real about truth and reality, I move into deception and lies, putting up an ‘altruistic front’, while in the background/secret mind knowing there is self-interest, there is expectation, there is payment due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my actions and behaviours in order to try and attempt to manipulate my reality into ‘getting something in return for my efforts’, thus creating within me an expectation of a certain outcome from my world and reality where – if that outcome is not achieved, I feel abused by life, the world, reality and others within it, within the justification and excuse of ‘look at all and everything that I’ve done – now give me what’s mine, what I deserve” - all based on an idea or fantasy I had created of what my actions would bring or create in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, myself, life, existence and reality when I do not get what I believe is my ‘just reward’ for ‘what I have done’ to ‘deserve’ it when in fact the entire formula had been created in my mind alone, with an exact desired result, without considering others, who they are, the nature of existence, reality and life, and without considering Who I Am within those actions, but only looking at the actions themselves and the payback reward I hold as an expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others or life for what happens ‘to me’ in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment and anger about the things that happen in my life, thus accepting and allowing myself to become smaller and weaker, instead of learning from the things that happen in my life, and using them to become stronger, wiser, more understanding and thus – able to understand and support others as me – from victim to empowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full self-responsibility for what happens to me in life, in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about how I create my life, my reality and how what happens ‘to me’ is a direct result of who and how I have been and have lived, equal and one as input/output.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest about my input as me into my life/Life, so that I can then apply self-honesty and purify my input, thus purifying my output and the life I create for myself and others in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself instead of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then hide from my own self-judgment by creating a false perception of myself according to what I define as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’, ‘worthy’, acting only in ways I deem as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘worthy’ as actions of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself and kill myself in a try and attempt to be ‘perfect’, living the lie that I am ‘perfect’ as every action is judged and assessed as ‘perfect’ which should bring ‘perfection’ into my life as what I fantasize as what perfection and life ‘should be’ according to my desires, thinking and believing that this is what is holding in place my survival, “keeping me alive” as obtaining my desires, desired outcome as if energetic desires was life, and without them “I die”, not seeing and realizing that only myself as my ego fears ‘not obtaining my desires’ as energy to feed myself as my mind/ego to continue. Within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny reality, simplicity, and the physicality of Life and what one actually needs to live here and to Live Here, placing myself into ‘survival’ as my ego trying to survive, instead of living, simply, Here as physical needs, which includes living words of ‘trust’ – lived physically, ‘love’ – lived physically, ‘support’ - lived physically, ‘care’ - lived physically, and so on, identifying physical needs and finding ways to live them physically as acts of true care, for others as myself, as giving as I would like to receive.

Gravity: A Beautiful Coward's Song: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Looking at John Mayer's song 'Gravity', a song that strikes deep, yearning, mourning and soulful chords in me, bringing it back to self to see what exactly this song accesses on deeper levels.

I like the use of the word 'gravity' in the song because of its dual meaning. On the one hand, it is the "force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth", while on the other hand it also refers to the "serious or critical nature" of an issue, like the gravity of the situation we are collectively facing here on earth, for example.

Now, it is not uncommon for people to not want to face the gravity of the situation on earth, or the grave situations in their own lives, like in the song, where John Mayer sings "Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me" and "Just keep me where the light is" is like wanting to turn a blind eye from the grave, serious and critical things that require our attention, focus and intervention, while also wanting to only experience the 'positive' things in life, where the "light is".

For me, this song has me looking back on my life to all of the grave situations Ive faced, the deaths, the heartbreaks, the losses, the hurts, the struggles, the falls, the shames - and with the feel and tone of the song, I want to look at it as if life has been a constant beating down, as if some outside force is coming in and doing this unto me...

"Gravity is working against me, And gravity wants to bring me down".

...and then the song is like a pleading to stop, like saying 'please just stop and leave me alone and let me experience the light'.

It's interesting because in looking at this point I had a re-listen to the gravity recordings from EQAFE, where gravity itself explains its role in the creation and manifestation process, where we, each and every one of us, are in fact the creators of our own lives, realities and experiences, and the force of gravity in multi-dimensions has played a role in this self-creation process through the compression and layering of physical reality and the realities of each one of us.

Now, since the opening of the portal and the changes in existence, gravity is actually working WITH our beingness potentials, and supporting us through this manifestation process, where everything that happens to us, the good, the bad and the ugly, is all specific and is Here to assist and support us to shape, form, mold and create ourselves into and as our utmost potential selves, so long as we work WITH events, situations and play-outs in our lives moment-to-moment, breath by breath - which the only way it can be done.

So, it's in a way funny and ironic that John Mayor sings;

"Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down"

When in fact, all gravity is asking of us is to work WITH it, to work WITH reality and everything that comes up and happens in our lives, in our minds and in our bodies, so that we can actually use our creative force to create, form and shape that potential that is here in terms of having all the ingredients as the words, the expressions, the forgiveness and changes we are capable of - all of it here at our fingertips.

So it's also quite ironic when he says:

"Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away",

When in fact it is revealed in the recording that we know exactly what makes us (as it is US making/creating ourselves), and the 'throwing it all away" is the simple act of not taking self-responsibility for our own creation by blaming it on an outside force as if it is being done 'unto' us and thus apparently not within our own self-directive principle to direct.

My takeaways here are thus to embrace gravity, as it grounds me to this earth, and to face the grave part of myself, not flee to the light, but to delve into the gravity of the situations I have created and "dream of ways" to change them in terms of finding solutions to the problems and walking them through step by step, day by day. And to also look back on my life, and instead of focusing on all the hardships and difficulties, to focus on those parts of myself that I cultivated and accessed in order to get through them, to rise to the occasion, and to overcome them to the point that I am still here today, still walking, still pushing and still never, ever giving up.

From EQAFE - Gravity: The Origins of Gravity - Earth, Nature, and Weather:

Part One

"What if gravity was a force that not only existed in our three dimensional world, but also in levels of reality that we have not considered?
We know that gravity is a force that compresses and holds things together - but how far exactly does this force go and how have previous civilizations in history used this knowledge?"
 

Part Two

"Are you understanding the gravity of the situation?
That is a term we hear when we need to get clear about an issue and our responsibility within it. But what does that practically mean?
What role does gravity have to play in each moment of our lives, and how can we best use this understanding when facing challenges?"

Gravity Live in L.A.

Day 270 - Redefining Hope

My 'Positive Journal' assignment for today was to think of a negative experience that happened to me, where there was a glimmer of hope that kept me going.

Once again, I was completely blank! And I thought to myself, "oh no! I am hopeless!"

The way the journal described the assignment laid it out in such a way where I was supposed to have this 'negative experience' with some glimmer of 'positive' 'hope' within it.

I was first stuck on the word 'hope', as it reminds me of sugar, in a way. It feels really good when you eat it, but once it wears off you get a sugar crash and that feels terrible. So I actually have a negative connotation when it comes to 'hope'. It's like a drug, essentially, 'hope' is like 'dope'. You use it to pick yourself up when you are down, without actually practically doing something constructive.

Hope, to me, has been the act of projecting into an imaginary desired future outcome, and then feeding that projection with positive energy to make myself 'feel good' inside myself when I call it up in my mind. Inevitably, things do not turn out exactly as I had imagined (shocker: I'm not psychic!), and so I would crash into a negative experience, where I'd feel some combination of disappointment, heartbreak, victimization and disempowerment.

In fact, it is more when I do not have 'hope' where I actually tend to move myself more, to take more responsibility in a situation, and to take physical steps to work towards the desired outcome.


This is the dictionary definition of 'hope':

"A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen."

But then there's also the 'archaic' definition, which is pretty cool and I can align more with, and that is:

"A feeling of trust."

When I am going through a 'bad experience', knowing that the 'bad experience' is simply my reaction to a situation or event, even in my lowest of lows where it seems as though all is lost, there is something inside of me, like a void, blackness, where it is as if some part of me is untouchable, unwavering, unending. It is as if there is some pocket inside of myself where I can hold myself and know that, even if everything fails, falls, gets destroyed or whatever, that in this pocket where some important aspect of me can fit, tiny like a seed, I know that that seed will be okay, and that it may be tough, but that I can re-grow from just that one preserved part of me. 

And it is a glimmer of this that has supported me through even the bleakest moments. Not a positive experience, but rather it is a trust that, so long as I keep deciding for it to be so, it will be so.  

And so within all of this, 'hope' to me is not about being 'positive' or projecting wants and expectations, or desires for certain outcomes, but rather the Trust in Myself that I will continue deciding that no matter what, I will be ok. The Trust in Process, that no matter what happens or how long it takes, it is done. And the Trust in Life itself, that Life will never give me more than I can handle, even if the outcome was not at all what I expected or desired.

And so, my redefinition of living 'hope' is:

The trust that enough of me will be ok no matter what the outcome.