Day 270 - Redefining Hope

My 'Positive Journal' assignment for today was to think of a negative experience that happened to me, where there was a glimmer of hope that kept me going.

Once again, I was completely blank! And I thought to myself, "oh no! I am hopeless!"

The way the journal described the assignment laid it out in such a way where I was supposed to have this 'negative experience' with some glimmer of 'positive' 'hope' within it.

I was first stuck on the word 'hope', as it reminds me of sugar, in a way. It feels really good when you eat it, but once it wears off you get a sugar crash and that feels terrible. So I actually have a negative connotation when it comes to 'hope'. It's like a drug, essentially, 'hope' is like 'dope'. You use it to pick yourself up when you are down, without actually practically doing something constructive.

Hope, to me, has been the act of projecting into an imaginary desired future outcome, and then feeding that projection with positive energy to make myself 'feel good' inside myself when I call it up in my mind. Inevitably, things do not turn out exactly as I had imagined (shocker: I'm not psychic!), and so I would crash into a negative experience, where I'd feel some combination of disappointment, heartbreak, victimization and disempowerment.

In fact, it is more when I do not have 'hope' where I actually tend to move myself more, to take more responsibility in a situation, and to take physical steps to work towards the desired outcome.


This is the dictionary definition of 'hope':

"A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen."

But then there's also the 'archaic' definition, which is pretty cool and I can align more with, and that is:

"A feeling of trust."

When I am going through a 'bad experience', knowing that the 'bad experience' is simply my reaction to a situation or event, even in my lowest of lows where it seems as though all is lost, there is something inside of me, like a void, blackness, where it is as if some part of me is untouchable, unwavering, unending. It is as if there is some pocket inside of myself where I can hold myself and know that, even if everything fails, falls, gets destroyed or whatever, that in this pocket where some important aspect of me can fit, tiny like a seed, I know that that seed will be okay, and that it may be tough, but that I can re-grow from just that one preserved part of me. 

And it is a glimmer of this that has supported me through even the bleakest moments. Not a positive experience, but rather it is a trust that, so long as I keep deciding for it to be so, it will be so.  

And so within all of this, 'hope' to me is not about being 'positive' or projecting wants and expectations, or desires for certain outcomes, but rather the Trust in Myself that I will continue deciding that no matter what, I will be ok. The Trust in Process, that no matter what happens or how long it takes, it is done. And the Trust in Life itself, that Life will never give me more than I can handle, even if the outcome was not at all what I expected or desired.

And so, my redefinition of living 'hope' is:

The trust that enough of me will be ok no matter what the outcome. 

Day 42 - Nothing is Looming

This is a continuation of yesterday's self-forgiveness statements on the point of experiencing a feeling of 'looming,' like 'impending doom,' that causes me fear and stress.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the future/my future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed fear of the future to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project survival-based thoughts into the future and then created and manifested fear of the future based on my own self-created projection of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money in the future or now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going into debt/unavoidable debt in the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to control the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to to simply walk in self-trust and self-honesty into the unknown of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I need to have a set plan for the future in order to be able to function in the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a stress/fear/looming experience within and as me because of all the fears I have created about the future, because of my desire to control the future, and because of my belief that I require a set plan in order to experience a stability within and as me in the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that how I experience myself right now has got anything to do with the future, instead of realizing that all that exists right now is the present, so any future-based projection that I am reacting to internally in the present moment are only but projections which I create and am entirely responsible for, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and stress out over/about my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure within myself, and a looming sensation because my plans for the future changed, and now I have to make new plans.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being entirely self-responsible for myself and my life and the path I choose.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I can do more more more right now in order to secure my future, instead of realizing that walking within and through life towards stability and self-responsible living which will lead to a stable self that can manage to stabilize within any situation, is a process that takes time and cannot be rushed and cannot all be done now in order to get it over with and then sit back and relax in the future. Instead, I allow myself to relax in the present moment, to take time for myself, but to also apply myself without stress, fear or looming, within the understanding that when and as I take each step within self-honesty and self-responsibility, using the tools of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, that I am walking towards a stable, whol and complete self that can stand and direct in any situation, without following the unnecessary internal energetic experiences of stress, fear or a looming/impending doom sensation, as these experiences are destructive and do not serve me in anyway, thus I take a step here towards stopping my participation within and as them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to continue to react to old habits and patterns of not taking responsibility and thus constantly experiencing consequences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to and participate within the memories of having my life be directed by consequences or attempting to avoid consequences.

I accept and allow myself to stop participating in these patterns , and I understand, realize and see that over time they will dissipate and crumble away because they are/were not real and thus I have the power to create AND destroy them by stopping feeding them with my attention as energy and participation.

I commit myself to walking out of the past and in to the present moment bystopping feeding my thoughts and memories of the past as reactions in the present.

When and as I see that I am reacting to past memories, habitsand patterns within and as an energetic emotional or feeling experience within me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness, back to the present moment by reminding myself that reacting to such past habits, patterns and memories is only keeping them alive to continue directing me and my life, and each time I stop my participation within and as them, I take a little bit more of myself back, in order that I my walk as a complete whole Here.