Day 247 - Redefining Nourishment

I was looking at the word ‘nourishment’ because it is a word which, when I hear it I get a tingly sensation in my body, like “YES!”, “DO THIS!”. I have seen that when I am cared for and supported by self and others, I tend to move and grow well, but when I am left stagnant, when I abandon myself and let myself drift along, I wither and my life falls into somewhat of a chaos. When I feel uncared for or abandoned by others, it highlights my own tendency to lack self-care and abandon myself.

Care, support and ‘nourishment’ from others is great and amazing, but it cannot be depended on such as a situation where we are constantly abandoning ourselves and depending on others to always come to our rescue, pick us up when we fall and be that support in time of need. We have to be able to do this for ourselves, where cultivating and nourishing relationships of support with others is a natural outflow of our own self-relationship of self-cultivation, self-nourishment and self-care.

To clarify, abandoning self would be letting little things slide in one’s life. Whether it be internal points that require attention, definition and direction (feeling and emotional points interfering in one’s life), external points such as daily maintenance (diet, exercise, hygiene, care for one’s belongings etc), consistency (in scheduled structure, stability or maintaining an orderly environment for example). I have noticed that when I abandon myself, I start letting these things go in some degree, where when all the small points accumulate, it feels like my life and world are falling into chaos and all the little points add up to what seems like an overwhelming amount of things that need tending to. 

This seems so overwhelming, simply because I hav abandoned myself inside myself, and therefor I feel I have nothing to hold onto for assistance and support – the assistance and support I am able to give myself during these times, but due to a fall into thoughts, perceptions, ideas and belief, I rather create an internal and external reality of lack of self-care and self-nourishment, and feel helpless and powerless to make a change.

Another clarification would be the distinction between self-care and self-nourishment. Self-care would be the daily maintenance: making sure I eat, keep my room and home orderly, keeping up with hair, nail, oral and body hygiene etc… whereas self-nourishment is more about what I eat (which I decide based on testing out different foods/supplements, seeing my body’s reaction to different things at different times, seeing what works, what I like, what supports me), how I set up my room to support my work/rest/recreation, what products I use for hygiene and why I chose them, and so forth. 

Even the acts of testing, research, trial and error are aspects of self-care that lead to proper self-nourishment when the best results are found and implemented.

What is interesting here is that I sometimes have resistance to both self-care and self-nourishment, due to the point of me not really fully caring about myself for real still coming up as a point for me in those moments of self-abandonment and retreat. It is when the self-judgments are triggered and emerge, ancient points of self-loathing and self-hate that I had created within myself over time based on self-perceptions and experiences that are long passed, yet planted seeds that took root and which I am still busy weeding from my self and living.

And so, if I continue with the garden analogy and think of myself as a plant, one that has a need for nourishment every day, and which can’t be left due to ‘not feeling like it’ or ‘not being in the mood’ without causing unnecessary consequences and set-backs to growth.

Looking at the word ‘Nourish’

I hear in it’s sound: New Rich

Within this, I see that every new day holds the possibility of abundance to be had, so long as one is willing and able to move self to take it or create it.

Every day is new, we do not have to be prisoners of our pasts.

Richness can be seen like a rich soil – an environment that provides everything necessary for growth. 

This, for me, means an environment where I have a proper diet and exercise, relationships of trust and support, a certain amount of structure and orderliness within which I can work, also fun and recreational activities, and then opportunities for challenges and learning as well. This, to me, is a rich environment, and all of these things are within my ability to cultivate, create and grow in my life.

I also see the potential for eternal expansion, where ‘new riches’ can and must be cultivated and discovered every day.

In conclusion, self-nourishment is the act of cultivating a rich environment within which I will grow best. I can begin implementing my solutions to the self-abandonment and the chaos that ensues by taking the simple steps or picking myself up and organizing my environment and life again after a fall, and to push myself to develop the consistency required to truly live the word ‘self-nourishment’.

Day 214 - How Objectivity Can Be The Key To Unlimited Potential

Today I went from a terrified person with learning-disorder, to an inquisitive, expressive learner that defies expectations by living one simple word.

As promised, a recap on the challenge of living the word 'terrified', which I do quite naturally and well, to living the word 'observe', defined as to 'OBjectively SERVE' myself. The reason for this is that today I had to face one of my greatest fears: performing in front of a group as I am actively learning.

This is the conclusion of my previous post:

I Live to serve

https://steemit.com/life/@kimzilla/i-live-to-serve

The act of learning had become a hostile experience during my schooling years from a young age. The competition and the positive or negative re-enforcement never really worked for me. So when I had to train for a new job today, I woke up feeling terrified at how it might play out.

           Interesting how the mind works - expecting the worst, bringing up the most energetically charged memories, making it not only likely, but probable that if left unchecked, the same or similar experience will re-play.

When I went into the training room today I remembered to breathe and follow my instructions to remain objective. My nerves kept coming up into my chest, which felt tight and at times it was hard to breathe. But I continuously reminded myself to relax my shoulders and focus on understanding the information presented, and objectively observe what was going on inside of me.

How did I remain objective and what did I observe:

As the energy would come up I began just looking at it, defining it in words and letting it go, then bringing myself back to the room, the people, the information.

Secondly, in moments where I didn't comprehend, instead of keeping quite and hoping to catch up eventually due to fear of judgment, I confidently asked questions, not fearing that the information might have already been covered or that the question might sound 'stupid'. "Stupid' is a judgment, and I had promised myself to remain objective with myself.

Thirdly, when it came time to try out the application ourselves (in font of everyone on the projector), I immediately volunteered to go first. I expressed myself openly to the group, explaining that it felt awkward and slow to do something brand new, but that I knew I would pick it up in no time! This helped me to remain humble, being open about my learning process and not trying to hide it due to feeling vulnerable.

There is so much strength to be found within and as humility and vulnerability.

The cool thing is that, as I was processing in front of the group, feeling more comfortable than I ever have been, rather than terrified and self-judgmental, some of my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness was able to come through. Within this, I began asking questions about certain functions I was interested in knowing more about, asking if I could try trying different things out instead of just doing only what was being asked of me.

In doing this, I found a risk element that had not previously been identified in all the years the program had been around. The trainers that had flown in from Chicago were amazed and organized for a meeting to figure out a way to mitigate that risk.

There will be no praise or accolades here, as the whole thing played out in a very matter-of-fact kind of way. But for me, when I was able to truly appreciate what happened today, where I saw the living proof that I had gone from an aloof, detached, terrified introverted slow-learner, to someone that could keep up, experiment and investigate beyond what was expected of me, I felt like I had conquered moving mountains!

Within this, I saw my curiosity and fascination with how things work come out from some deep forgotten place within me, to the forefront where I actually enjoyed just being me. 

There is very little in life that is as profoundly rewarding an conquering ones fears, feeling comfort within self, and showing myself the living proof that I really can be the author of my own script.

I watched these videos for understanding myself and learning how to support me in these types of situations:

Captain, Crew, and Ship  
"What does it mean to be the captain of the crew and ship that is your life?

In this video Sunette shares the directiveness, focus, and responsibility of being the captain of your own ship and how that relates to the relationship we often have with our lives, where we sometimes let the waves and currents take us without direction.

If you found value in this video and would like to give back to Desteni, support our online store with more supportive material www.eqafe.com or sign up for the Desteni I Process where you will be shown how to live the principles and tools developed by Desteni here www."

The Nature of Fear  

What is it about fear that can make it so overwhelming?
What is the effect of fear energy on your mind, being and body?
How can you support yourself to change your experience in relation to fear so that you can stand as the directive principle regardless of the energy experience?

The interview that Sunette refers to is from the Fears & Phobias series on EQAFE: https://eqafe.com/p/retribution-fears-phobias

Self & Living has merged with its sister store, www.eqafe.com - check it out for more!

Day 134- Out-of-Control as a Mind State Only

This blog is continued from Day 133- I'm Out of Control:

I commit myself to move myself through moments of uncertainty as it arises, to see it for what it is: an emotional energetic experience that is not real, as it is not based on the fact that “I don’t know what to do”, because there is always a solution, even if that solution is admitting I can’t do it or need help.
I commit myself to NOT accept or allow the experience of uncertainty to be an excuse I use to give up and not move.
When and as I see uncertainty arise within me, as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back here within the realization that there is nothing to it but to do it. To take steps to keep moving through the experience with full knowing that I am going to bombard myself with reasons, justifications and excuses as to WHY I can’t do it. But I can, and so I just keep walking the process of ‘I’m going to do it, I am doing it, it is done’.

I commit myself to face the responsibilities of the moment and to not make excuses and run from them simply because I believe my internal energetic experience which Iknow doesn’t last.
When and as I see that I have created a situation in which I feel ‘stuck’ due to uncertainty, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by reminding myself it’s not going to ‘feel good’, and it’s irrelevant how it ‘feels’, so I take a breath, I take a moment to myself to sketch a plan of action, and I execute it- no mind processing, just doing.

I commit myself to replace the pattern and habit of ‘mind-processing’, wherein I would move through the task in my mind and inevitably, always end up at a dead end or an obstacle, by actually doing the tasks and proving to myself that dead ends and obstacles do not exist because only when I die will my ability to move myself physically, through that which I decide to do, end, hence ‘dead’ and ‘end’ (within the practical limitations of reality).
When and as I see that I am moving through a task in the imaginary world of my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself through to actual application by stopping my participation in the mind of self-manipulation because the I will see that there is only me, Here, and no amount of thinking will gt anything done, only practical planning and actual self-movement through and as the execution of tasks.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by using the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty’ to create the disempowerment of experiencing myself as ‘out of control’.
I commit myself to stop this manipulation tactic where it starts, which is the first thought of uncertainty connected to and as the energetic experience of ‘defeat’.
I commit myself to replace the ‘experience’ of control derived through/as obsessiveness/focusing in on one thing, with ACTUAL control in my life and world, which equates to taking the self-responsibility to direct myself through the multitude of things that need to be tended to in order to ‘get myself/my world/my life together’, wherein I would actually be living a Life that supports me.

When and as I see that I am

seeking the EXPERIENCE of control through patterns and habits which give it to me, I stop, and breathe. I walk myself out of the energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control by reminding myself that those things that give me the experience of control actually create the opposite, lack of control, which perpetuates the addiction to the energy created by the experience, as I would constantly feel out of control and constantly in the NEED for the EXPERIENCE of control, without ever having taken sufficient steps to get my life/world/reality under control in such a way that my daily living creates results that are best for me and support me to be and become a self-responsible human being.


I commit myself to stop manipulating myself to justify my addiction to certain specific energetic experiences, and I commit myself to walk through every step of fear that may present itself along the path of taking responsibility, as fear is but another manipulation tactic of the mind.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of control/loss of control that I have constantly and continuously subjected myself to and believed to be real/

Who I Am- it is NOT me, it is an experience, caused. by chemical reactions within my brain which produce different energetic experiences which have always limited and sabotaged me, bit by bit over time.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’, by, for example, doing the important task later, doing something else instead, doing it half way and not seeing it through, trying once and giving up, making excuses to avoid it, etc… I stop, and I breathe. I breathe myself through the mutual fear of both stopping and applying, and I simply stop and apply, within common sense, to take the point/task and do it and see it through to completion.