Day 134- Out-of-Control as a Mind State Only

This blog is continued from Day 133- I'm Out of Control:

I commit myself to move myself through moments of uncertainty as it arises, to see it for what it is: an emotional energetic experience that is not real, as it is not based on the fact that “I don’t know what to do”, because there is always a solution, even if that solution is admitting I can’t do it or need help.
I commit myself to NOT accept or allow the experience of uncertainty to be an excuse I use to give up and not move.
When and as I see uncertainty arise within me, as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back here within the realization that there is nothing to it but to do it. To take steps to keep moving through the experience with full knowing that I am going to bombard myself with reasons, justifications and excuses as to WHY I can’t do it. But I can, and so I just keep walking the process of ‘I’m going to do it, I am doing it, it is done’.

I commit myself to face the responsibilities of the moment and to not make excuses and run from them simply because I believe my internal energetic experience which Iknow doesn’t last.
When and as I see that I have created a situation in which I feel ‘stuck’ due to uncertainty, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by reminding myself it’s not going to ‘feel good’, and it’s irrelevant how it ‘feels’, so I take a breath, I take a moment to myself to sketch a plan of action, and I execute it- no mind processing, just doing.

I commit myself to replace the pattern and habit of ‘mind-processing’, wherein I would move through the task in my mind and inevitably, always end up at a dead end or an obstacle, by actually doing the tasks and proving to myself that dead ends and obstacles do not exist because only when I die will my ability to move myself physically, through that which I decide to do, end, hence ‘dead’ and ‘end’ (within the practical limitations of reality).
When and as I see that I am moving through a task in the imaginary world of my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself through to actual application by stopping my participation in the mind of self-manipulation because the I will see that there is only me, Here, and no amount of thinking will gt anything done, only practical planning and actual self-movement through and as the execution of tasks.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by using the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty’ to create the disempowerment of experiencing myself as ‘out of control’.
I commit myself to stop this manipulation tactic where it starts, which is the first thought of uncertainty connected to and as the energetic experience of ‘defeat’.
I commit myself to replace the ‘experience’ of control derived through/as obsessiveness/focusing in on one thing, with ACTUAL control in my life and world, which equates to taking the self-responsibility to direct myself through the multitude of things that need to be tended to in order to ‘get myself/my world/my life together’, wherein I would actually be living a Life that supports me.

When and as I see that I am

seeking the EXPERIENCE of control through patterns and habits which give it to me, I stop, and breathe. I walk myself out of the energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control by reminding myself that those things that give me the experience of control actually create the opposite, lack of control, which perpetuates the addiction to the energy created by the experience, as I would constantly feel out of control and constantly in the NEED for the EXPERIENCE of control, without ever having taken sufficient steps to get my life/world/reality under control in such a way that my daily living creates results that are best for me and support me to be and become a self-responsible human being.


I commit myself to stop manipulating myself to justify my addiction to certain specific energetic experiences, and I commit myself to walk through every step of fear that may present itself along the path of taking responsibility, as fear is but another manipulation tactic of the mind.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of control/loss of control that I have constantly and continuously subjected myself to and believed to be real/

Who I Am- it is NOT me, it is an experience, caused. by chemical reactions within my brain which produce different energetic experiences which have always limited and sabotaged me, bit by bit over time.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’, by, for example, doing the important task later, doing something else instead, doing it half way and not seeing it through, trying once and giving up, making excuses to avoid it, etc… I stop, and I breathe. I breathe myself through the mutual fear of both stopping and applying, and I simply stop and apply, within common sense, to take the point/task and do it and see it through to completion.

Day 133- I'm Out of Control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an energetic experience of uncertainty within and as me, which I use as an excuse not to move forward and move on, but rather languish and stagnate in the moment in fear, not thinking clearly or practically, but rather just ‘stuck’ in place, not knowing what to do next or how to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create uncertainty when I have to move on to the next task, because I do not really want to move on and do the next task, I would instead prefer to escape the responsibilities of the moment which I do by creating somewhat of a ‘shut down mode’ wherein I lose all directive principle and instead create this entire experience of uncertainty which is an energetic experience from which I have much difficulty moving and directing myself within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within moments/tasks/responsibilities that I find difficult/boring/unending, to try /attempt to escape those moments by rejecting/avoiding the process I would need to take to properly/practically finish up and move through the task in order to figure out my next steps and begin working towards the next task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty ‘to sabotage myself to not completing the life tasks that are necessary to attend to, which creates consequences in my life and world that cause me to feel ‘out of control’, wherein, when and as I am ‘out of control’, I disempower myself from taking self-responsibility and also give myself an excuse to seek out not actual control, but the energetic experience of control, which I derive from participating in certain specific ‘bad’ habits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

manipulate my entire experience of myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’ which build up over time and accumulate into something that I experience as ‘big and overwhelming’, when in fact I actually know exactly how to stop it through practical application, and exactly the consequences of NOT stopping it, yet I do it anyways to justify and validate feeding my energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control (and not actual control).

Day 43 - Overwhelmed by a Stimulating Environment

The experience I’d like to write about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and I quit.

I remember the feeling of all of a sudden everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.

Now, when I work in a stressful environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together, with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults talking to me as well

I really truly enjoy talking with adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud, chaotic and stimulating environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything- which I obviously am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as self-honesty in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to, due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks, instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession, instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without expecting myself to constantly be doing more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in, therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not feeding them with energy and with my attention.

When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out, without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.

When and as I feel my attention being pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention, and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.

I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and the world as people in my world as equal and one.

Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

There are several if not many things that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my ego by questioning my reasoning.

            Luckily I am becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out, which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not to have to face me.

            Thankfully I did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow, because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument, I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my life. I was humbled, which is always cool.

            So there it is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different, yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here, real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application. Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.

            In the end we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise, what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction, judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by this economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry enough to actually change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing me by arguing for my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that I know).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there would be no reaction.

I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a stable leg to stand on.

I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…

I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at it.

I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction, even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.

I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become real as we live them by participating in them.

I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me, and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.

I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.

I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.

I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations, justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.

When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.

Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships