How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (https://eqafe.com/p/stomach-flu-consequence-and-support-the-future-of-awareness-part-97), which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.


Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.


The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.





I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: www.desteni.org. Where will you begin yours?

Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

This is continued from Day 103-Defending Myself Against the World



I commit myself to check my starting point when I contribute to the group, in order to ensure that it is aligned with actual care and support, and not from a starting point of energy, wherein
I would be seeking an energetic charge from validating the ‘helpful’ character I have created to not face the reality of my beliefs about myself and who I really am, which are that I am 'unhelpful' (without the ability/resources to 'help out' in a significant way), that I am 'un-needed', thus, within the 'helpful' character I play I 'prove' to myself that this isn't true (intead of addressing the belief itself, thus actually accepting and allowing this belief to continue to exist within me, as me), and being 'un-wanted' (wherein, if people would accept my help, I would feel 'wanted'- but only as an experience/belief).



When and as I am offering to help someone out, I stop, and I breathe. I give myself a moment to adjust my starting point, from the self-interest of validating a character to a starting point of oneness and equality to those I am assisting/supporting. I do this by breathing until the energetic charge is gone, and reminding myself to move as me, one and equal to the group, and not as a character.



I commit myself to walk myself out of the direction of the mind and into physical reality by stopping my participation in thoughts as they come up, and by breathing through the positive and negative energetic reactions I experience 1) when I offer help (breathe through the positive reaction/polarity) 2) if/when my help is not accepted (breathe through the negative reaction/polarity).



When and as I am in the position where someone is turning down my offer of help, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am not defined in that moment as ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, ‘unwanted’ or anything at all, I am rather simply hearing the preference of the person. Which is really what I was asking in the first place.



I commit myself to end all self-definitions which would direct me or influence me in moments where I could validate them, and instead by the living definition of myself within/as my self-directed living actions.



When and as I see that I am being directed by the want/need/desire to validate a character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the energetic withdrawal from that character and grounding myself Here, in physical reality, and I wait till there is no movement before I continue my participation again.



I commit myself to uncover everything that I am hiding within myself underneath the characters that I play.



When and as I see that I am ‘helping out’ from a starting point of fearing being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself by reminding myself that Who I Am is not a definition or a judgment, but rather a living, being, doing, from moment to moment and judged only in the end by myself as the consequences of my living, being actions in each and every moment.



I commit myself to check myself, in moment of lack of self-direction, and to take a breath and self-honestly assess my starting point, directing from there.



I commit myself to change not only my surface action, but also te root from which it stems.



I commit myself to dig up all the ‘roots’ as starting points that I had ‘planted’ in unawareness, wherein I commit to getting down to the root of my actions in writing, and re-scripting the root of my actions to be/become aligned with a consideration for the whole, as what’s best for all within the limitations of this physical reality.



When and as I see that my surface action are aligned with validating a character, which is self-suppression, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to check my starting point in order that my actions may reflect an actual care and consideration for the whole and for others as me, by not participating in the thoughts and energies which would fuel my idea of myself, but to instead do the task with no movement within me, making sure from moment to moment that I don’t ‘drift off’ into thoughts, ideas, perception, and beliefs about myself and the actions I am taking.



When and as I see that I am feeding myself as the illusions in the mind of energy when someone is reacting to/towards me in gratefulness for any kind of help/assistance/support I had given, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability within the understanding that to participate in or pursue the positive feeling energy, that I am actually avoiding the underlying fear that my insecurities created by the belief that I am ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, or ‘unwanted’, will be exposed, and are thus being accepted and allowed to continue to exist within and as me. Therefore, I breathe through the want/desire to participate, and allow myself to move forward as the self-directive principle of me, in oneness and equality to myself, as a living action of care and support.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in writing, either public or private, in order to fully understand the truth of me, in awareness and self-honesty, in order that I may ‘clean the slate’ and change. Start again, rescript a new human that considers all life in ever action.

I commit myself to stop chasing validation, as that is the living statement that Who I Am is Not Real, and I instead walk with myself until I validate myself in every moment and every step till my actions are aligned with my principles in every way possible.



I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that I want and need myself to be wholly present with me Here, contributing equally to my self-development and Living Here as an equal participant in Life.

Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

There are several if not many things that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my ego by questioning my reasoning.

            Luckily I am becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out, which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not to have to face me.

            Thankfully I did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow, because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument, I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my life. I was humbled, which is always cool.

            So there it is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different, yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here, real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application. Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.

            In the end we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise, what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction, judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by this economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry enough to actually change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing me by arguing for my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that I know).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there would be no reaction.

I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a stable leg to stand on.

I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…

I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at it.

I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction, even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.

I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become real as we live them by participating in them.

I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me, and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.

I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.

I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.

I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations, justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.

When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.

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