Feeling Out-of-Place at a Party: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

I went to a party and felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was probably the youngest and only single, non-parent there. I was living in South Africa living a life so completely different than the attendees, who were mostly in their careers, buying homes and raising families. Looking at it, one would assume we  would have a lot to talk about and share... but the emotional experience I was having was crippling me from being comfortable enough in my own skin to "just be myself"

Here is a recording from a person that died and is now speaking through the interdimensional portal. I still struggle a bit with this point, but this recording gives some practical steps for how to approach 'just being yourself' in new situations.

Just Be Yourself - Life Review

"How did this being experience themselves when people told them to “Just be yourself”?
How is this statement unrealistic for most people in the world as it exists now?
How does this statement open up the question “Who am I?”?
What suggestions does this being have for entering into new situations and/or meeting new people?"

For now, from me: some Self-forgiveness on feeling out-of-place at a party I would have rather liked to enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling alien and out-of-place at social interactions like a house-party.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have nothing to say, nothing in common with, no interest in and am bored by people my age at a house party or social event, within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge house-parties as boring and lame, thinking and believing that there are so many better and more important things we people can be doing with our time, and then judge the people at the parties as also boring and 2 dimensional, only to be proven wrong at times when I do open up and interact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not easily fitting in, or not enjoying such events as others seem to, thinking, believing and perceiving that I must now behave a certain way in terms of speaking and interacting like the others do, instead of being myself, or being more quiet/reserved/observational if that is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon realizing that I do not have to live up to any behavioural expectations at social interactions, be left wondering who and how I am and how to express it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for sitting quietly and not talking to anyone wherein I feel embarrassed like I am doing something wrong where I look like I am not having fun, looked like i am bored, look like I want to be elsewhere, wherein, if I am really that bored and want to be elsewhere, then that is my responsibility to leave, but if I choose to stay, to then make it work for myself instead of complaining and being bitter.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I have made social interactions such as 'house parties' boring, and difficult and alien is because i have for so long tried to live up to a standard, behave in a certain way, be what I'm 'supposed to' be, which will obviously never be an enjoyable experience, where, instead of taking self-responsibility, I've blamed house parties and social interactions for being boring, lame, alien, a bad use of time, etc... and not looking argh I I am within it and how I am actually creating that experience.

I forgive myself that I have Not accepted and allowed myself to use social events and house parties as a way to get to know myself better, to have some fun, let loose, let go and play around with different expressions or ways of interacting where I don't 'stick to the rules' I've created in my head, but develop and create new ways, my ways of being, doing and behaving.

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (https://eqafe.com/p/stomach-flu-consequence-and-support-the-future-of-awareness-part-97), which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.


Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.


The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.





I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: www.desteni.org. Where will you begin yours?

Day 217: My Stay at the Desteni Farm - The People

The People

The people here at the Desteni farm are simply awesome. Everyone here is walking their personal process of self-change, so each one is checking themselves, questioning and investigating their reactions, taking points back to self first, and then speaking or discussing an issue if necessary.  This makes for what I can only describe as a clear, calm and open atmosphere between people, from my experience. This makes for an awesome environment for self-reflection, because it becomes clearer that I am alone within myself, completely responsible for the creation of Who I Am and for sorting out my own consequences from past living, decisions and paly-outs in my life. I am alone within myself, but I am very much in a group here, walking as individuals, together in support.

            Each person here has a unique expression that creates a really nice diversity for discussion. Each has their own interests that they are focusing on, whether it be programming, baking, music, building, gardening, parenting, sports and more. There are families, couples and single people, so it is quite a mix. This variety of expression is the result of people getting to know themselves on deep and intimate levels, where they are expanding their interest, work and hobbies through experimentation, testing and looking at Who They Are within everything they do. And each person here is committed to writing and sharing their process of what they face in their lives within whatever they are currently busy with.

            With the writing, it’s cool to see what points people are facing internally, and then to watch them in their work or play to see how they are living their words. Because I have been walking my own process, I know what it takes to live the words you speak, and it is not so easy! So, when I see people here with the focus and dedication to truly live and stand as examples of what it means to live in a way that is best for all, equal and one, I know the work they put in to get there and it is inspiring to me, where I want to push myself to do the work for me as well. I also see the work that is being put in to support others out in the world, on the web, through courses and social media platforms, which is how I found out about this place and the tools of support. So I see the value and necessity to share, to give as I have received, and to build and create myself into someone that can equally share and support.

With the diversity and openness here, conversations often go back to points one is facing or has faced. Hearing all the different perspectives has given me incredible insights into myself, where points open up for me and I can see ways that I have been living that have been limiting or diminishing me. Not only that, but I am often supported, either directly or indirectly through others, to identify certain specific moments or events in my life, or patterns of behaviour that I can now write out in my own blog in order to sort out within myself. This supports not only myself to change, but anyone that is facing similar points to me can also read about my journey. In this way, others can have the same experience that I am having here, where sharing, relating and telling our stories can open up so much for each other, thus quantifying our processes of change. This is for anyone that understands that any real change that is going to happen in this world is going to start with change on an individual level.

            I also thoroughly enjoy meeting the other visitors that are coming from all over the world to spend some time here. I get to hear about their lives and what they do back home, we discuss challenges we’ve faced and successes we’ve had. Each person that comes here brings something unique, and in many ways, I am also getting to know myself better through the interactions I am having with them. One visitor that came with her children from the Netherlands, is working towards becoming a Life Alignment Specialist. She needed case

studies to complete her course and certification process. I’m pretty sure almost everyone here volunteered to do a session with her. I certainly did! The experience was amazing and I dug real deep into mind points that were contributing to a skin condition I have. I have since been writing out the points, as well as using supplements and creams to support my body, and in a short time I have begun to see results in the form of the skin clearing up, becoming calmer and less irritated and inflamed (I have seen doctors who have only prescribed steroids, which work temporarily, but is not a long-term solution for me, so I’m experimenting with a more wholistic approach).

            Another visitor, Garb from the US, has been amazing to observe. Her discipline to push herself to fill every day and live it fully while she is here is truly impressive. She is used to working long hours in an office back home, so here she has been challenging herself with more physical work, bringing her out of her mind and more into the physical, connecting to the earth and soil she has been working with. I have been learning from her how to develop this consistency and discipline, as it is something I have struggled with in the past.

We discussed these topics and more while we planted climbing plants that will eventually produce berries for the local birds to eat. Check out Garb's travel journal HERE. 

          Discussion and asking questions is cool and very supportive, but the thing that has the most impact on me personally has been to simply watch her live, again, standing as an example and the proof that I too can develop myself to become whatever I decide, so long as I apply myself (and within the practical limitations of physical reality, of course).

          


            

          For me, as someone that started off exceptionally shy and introverted, it has been very exciting to come out and express myself Here. I have been working on this point for years, but the difference is that back home, at work for example, there is so much extra ‘noise’ to deal with, in the form of gossip, ulterior motives, judgments and reactions. In that environment, we are to work as a team, yet in competition with each other in the face of job cuts or promotions. In this competitive environment, I found it exceptionally difficult to remain stable within myself, and was usually on the brink of ‘survival mode’, where keeping my job and keeping my boss happy were number one on my mind. I could express myself, but always had to make sure I was presenting myself in accordance with company values. Sometimes I found that company values conflicted with my own, and voicing myself had in the past caused some negative consequences for me in my career. Here, however, when I express myself and come out of my shell, I can just be me and express my principles of cooperation, equality and oneness.The difference is that I am now doing it to discover myself, Who I Am and what I am capable of, and not thinking about who I need to impress, or
staying on anyone’s ‘good side’.

          






          I will continue to share about my experiences at the Desteni Farm in blogs to come, so stay tuned, there will be more to come! But for now, please enjoy this video from the farm:

Cesar Discovers Video Camera

Secrets Revealed in Body Language

About a week or so ago I listened to a recording that had a direct impact on my life in a very real way. The recording discussed physical posture and what certain positions or mannerisms mean in terms of who you are within yourself. Personally, I do put some consideration into my posture and how I present myself, but never before had it had the impact on my actual experience in a social situation than when I was armed with this information. 

I have had very intense social anxiety, and still to this day it comes out in certain situations. Recently I was at a party that was very hectic and also had people that I didn’t know very well. These are two ingredients which usually make me feel like disappearing into the background and speaking very little. However this time, I kept thinking about the recording and noticing little things I was doing with my body. 

I kept on making small adjustments to my position according to what I had learned, and I noticed that when I was in certain positions I was in fact feeling a certain way within myself (like closed off, focused too much on my internal stuff, or avoiding people and things). As I made the adjustments I felt like I was gently challenging myself to open up a bit more and support myself to reach out and interact. I ended up surprising myself when I saw I was engaging in very natural social behaviour, and as a result, actually having a good time! It ended up being a very enjoyable experience, totally unexpected from just making minor adjustments to my body and checking myself in small moments here and there. 

I would definitely recommend “Gorilla Style – Body Language” (https://eqafe.com/p/gorilla-style-body-language) to anyone that has social anxiety or even finds themselves a bit uncomfortable in certain social situations (like at a meeting, a job interview, party, etc…). It’s amazing how a little awareness can make such a big difference!

To take the first step in supporting YOURSELF, you can check out the following links that led me to take the first steps toward healing, and continue to support me to this day:

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime