Day 220 - Clearing the Starting Point of Friendship

Many friendships, when seen on the surface, seem to be these wonderful, magical, beautiful relationships. I am sure there are moments where this is so, but not all moments, and often there are strong undercurrents of suppressed feelings and emotions hiding beneath the surface.

When I investigated into how I had grown up in my friendships, mostly starting from my early teens, I found some pretty nasty stuff going on in the background. There were definitely good times, intimate moments, trust build, and bonding happening, but when being completely self-honest, I found dimensions of myself that were subtly rotting the foundation upon which friendships are built.

I saw it first hand while investigating my own past, like a personal private detective,  so that I could sort it out for myself, and clear MY starting point of how I have been living within and as 'friendships'. But I have also seen it hundreds or thousands of times, through television, movies, hollywood, and social media. The truth of the hidden nastiness existent within friendships is in all of these places, because it is in all of us.

This leads me to question: is a friendship just something that happens naturally, following a natural progression without any intervention or effort from those involved? Who am I as a friend, within a friendship? Why do some friendships feel like work and effort?

For me personally, when I really take a good, hard, self-honest look at who I have been within friendships throughout my life, I do not feel proud. I can see that, underneath the fun and good times, there were subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) layers of comparison, judgment, jealousy and spite.  Included in this mix, are feelings of rejection, when I lost friends, as well as feelings of guilt, when I did not keep in touch with friends after having said I would.

Self-forgiveness to clear the starting point of friendship:

Comparison:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to friend A, thinking I am better because I believed I  could draw better, climb better,  jump higher, I believed I had better ideas, was thinner, taller, and friend A would follow me around and always put the effort in to being with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of all the ways I perceive myself to be ‘better’ or ‘more advanced’ than someone and then use that in order to place myself in a position of superiority in relation to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that within a friendship, there is always one that is better, and one that is less, instead of looking at all the qualities of both individuals, in order to learn from and strengthen each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there must be a lover, and a beloved, wherein I believed that within a friendship, the dynamic is only satisfied when one is in a position of longing and idolatry, and the other is idolized and cherished, instead of creating a relationship of equality, where strengths are shared and weaknesses developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to place myself into either the position of beloved/idolized, or lover/idolizer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself above another within the belief or perception that I am in the position of the ‘beloved/idolized’, or to place myself below another, believing I am in the position of ‘lover/idolizer’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego within friendships where I believed I was the superior one, blinding myself from parts of the other,s and suppressing or hiding those parts of me I saw as weakness, and believing I should dictate to the other what to do and how to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority when I believed I was in the position of lover/idolizer, believing nothing I could do was as good as my friend, feeling insecure and like I needed to be told what to do and how to be from my friend, instead of having the self-trust and confidence to express my strengths and develop my weaknesses.

Judgment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged friend B for being bossy, neurotic, controlling and manipulative because of certain personality traits she had based on her life experience, and how I interacted with those traits

.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and supress my own potential solutions for our friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and go into reactions of dislike avoidance and spite, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid and eventually ‘drop’ friend B, leaving it awkward and uncomfortable between us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge friend B in my mind, and go into internal conversations and back chat, as well as gossiping about her with others that knew her, instead of deciding to speak up about what I saw within friend B and her behaviour, in order to gain clarity and understanding, and having her also hear from me and my experience within the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame friend B, holding friend B entirely responsible for the ‘failure’ of the friendship, instead of looking at myself and taking self-responsibility within the understanding that ‘it takes two to tango’, and understanding that I could have changed the dynamics between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather end/leave the friendship, than to face myself and who I was within the friendship, thus living the statement that I am powerless to change, influence or direct the friendships within which I am a participant.

Jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of friend A when boys began to become interested in her, while I had no boys interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin to place myself in an inferior position within the friendship, because I thought and believed that friend A was now superior due to having a boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous that friend A had a boyfriend because I saw her as inferior, and that I should be the one with the boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question everything of myself, because I had no boyfriend or prospect of a boyfriend, not seeing and realizing that I had built myself up on a foundation of belief, instead of truly honouring those qualities of me as real and substantial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into jealousy that friend A got a boyfriend because I believed I was unlikeable and too shy to talk to boys in that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jealousy and resentment that friend A got a boyfriend instead of seeing and realizing that I didn’t want a boyfriend yet, and was not ready to be in a relationship yet, but instead thought that because friend A was now in a relationship, I should now be in one and in a better one with a better boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous that friend A got a boyfriend because I didn’t know friend A had it in her to be ready for a relationship and talking to boys in this way, and in that, then looked at myself seeing I was not yet at that stage, then going into spite, self-judgment and jealousy because I compared myself to her, instead of practicing  self-understanding through self-introspection.

Spite:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as spite in my friendships, thus creating a wall preventing a potential bond of intimacy between two individuals.

How would I like to live the word ‘friendship’ from here on out?

Friendship =  free end ship

Free = no charges

End = found within action words like ‘mend’, as I can, within friendship, correct myself and then reactions I have, in a way, a ‘mending’ of myself. ‘Lend’ as into ‘lend a hand’, reach out. And also ‘tend’, as in to ‘tend to a garden’.  Also, to put an ‘end’ to my past patterns of behaviour.

Ship = the vessel created between two people, where both would strive to keep the ship afloat – no baggage on this ship. 

I will continue with how I would like to live the word 'friendship' from here forth in my next blog.

Thank you

           

Day 217: My Stay at the Desteni Farm - The People

The People

The people here at the Desteni farm are simply awesome. Everyone here is walking their personal process of self-change, so each one is checking themselves, questioning and investigating their reactions, taking points back to self first, and then speaking or discussing an issue if necessary.  This makes for what I can only describe as a clear, calm and open atmosphere between people, from my experience. This makes for an awesome environment for self-reflection, because it becomes clearer that I am alone within myself, completely responsible for the creation of Who I Am and for sorting out my own consequences from past living, decisions and paly-outs in my life. I am alone within myself, but I am very much in a group here, walking as individuals, together in support.

            Each person here has a unique expression that creates a really nice diversity for discussion. Each has their own interests that they are focusing on, whether it be programming, baking, music, building, gardening, parenting, sports and more. There are families, couples and single people, so it is quite a mix. This variety of expression is the result of people getting to know themselves on deep and intimate levels, where they are expanding their interest, work and hobbies through experimentation, testing and looking at Who They Are within everything they do. And each person here is committed to writing and sharing their process of what they face in their lives within whatever they are currently busy with.

            With the writing, it’s cool to see what points people are facing internally, and then to watch them in their work or play to see how they are living their words. Because I have been walking my own process, I know what it takes to live the words you speak, and it is not so easy! So, when I see people here with the focus and dedication to truly live and stand as examples of what it means to live in a way that is best for all, equal and one, I know the work they put in to get there and it is inspiring to me, where I want to push myself to do the work for me as well. I also see the work that is being put in to support others out in the world, on the web, through courses and social media platforms, which is how I found out about this place and the tools of support. So I see the value and necessity to share, to give as I have received, and to build and create myself into someone that can equally share and support.

With the diversity and openness here, conversations often go back to points one is facing or has faced. Hearing all the different perspectives has given me incredible insights into myself, where points open up for me and I can see ways that I have been living that have been limiting or diminishing me. Not only that, but I am often supported, either directly or indirectly through others, to identify certain specific moments or events in my life, or patterns of behaviour that I can now write out in my own blog in order to sort out within myself. This supports not only myself to change, but anyone that is facing similar points to me can also read about my journey. In this way, others can have the same experience that I am having here, where sharing, relating and telling our stories can open up so much for each other, thus quantifying our processes of change. This is for anyone that understands that any real change that is going to happen in this world is going to start with change on an individual level.

            I also thoroughly enjoy meeting the other visitors that are coming from all over the world to spend some time here. I get to hear about their lives and what they do back home, we discuss challenges we’ve faced and successes we’ve had. Each person that comes here brings something unique, and in many ways, I am also getting to know myself better through the interactions I am having with them. One visitor that came with her children from the Netherlands, is working towards becoming a Life Alignment Specialist. She needed case

studies to complete her course and certification process. I’m pretty sure almost everyone here volunteered to do a session with her. I certainly did! The experience was amazing and I dug real deep into mind points that were contributing to a skin condition I have. I have since been writing out the points, as well as using supplements and creams to support my body, and in a short time I have begun to see results in the form of the skin clearing up, becoming calmer and less irritated and inflamed (I have seen doctors who have only prescribed steroids, which work temporarily, but is not a long-term solution for me, so I’m experimenting with a more wholistic approach).

            Another visitor, Garb from the US, has been amazing to observe. Her discipline to push herself to fill every day and live it fully while she is here is truly impressive. She is used to working long hours in an office back home, so here she has been challenging herself with more physical work, bringing her out of her mind and more into the physical, connecting to the earth and soil she has been working with. I have been learning from her how to develop this consistency and discipline, as it is something I have struggled with in the past.

We discussed these topics and more while we planted climbing plants that will eventually produce berries for the local birds to eat. Check out Garb's travel journal HERE. 

          Discussion and asking questions is cool and very supportive, but the thing that has the most impact on me personally has been to simply watch her live, again, standing as an example and the proof that I too can develop myself to become whatever I decide, so long as I apply myself (and within the practical limitations of physical reality, of course).

          


            

          For me, as someone that started off exceptionally shy and introverted, it has been very exciting to come out and express myself Here. I have been working on this point for years, but the difference is that back home, at work for example, there is so much extra ‘noise’ to deal with, in the form of gossip, ulterior motives, judgments and reactions. In that environment, we are to work as a team, yet in competition with each other in the face of job cuts or promotions. In this competitive environment, I found it exceptionally difficult to remain stable within myself, and was usually on the brink of ‘survival mode’, where keeping my job and keeping my boss happy were number one on my mind. I could express myself, but always had to make sure I was presenting myself in accordance with company values. Sometimes I found that company values conflicted with my own, and voicing myself had in the past caused some negative consequences for me in my career. Here, however, when I express myself and come out of my shell, I can just be me and express my principles of cooperation, equality and oneness.The difference is that I am now doing it to discover myself, Who I Am and what I am capable of, and not thinking about who I need to impress, or
staying on anyone’s ‘good side’.

          






          I will continue to share about my experiences at the Desteni Farm in blogs to come, so stay tuned, there will be more to come! But for now, please enjoy this video from the farm:

Cesar Discovers Video Camera