Competing with Women Self-Forgiveness: micro blog from Desteni Universe

For most of my life I have existed in a competition for survival, with men and women, but mostly with other women - competing at work, over men, in social circles - and I have had enough. A world of competition and survival is NOT a world I want to leave for the children to come, but instead one where we work together as ONE humanity with the shared goals of doing What's Best for All, supporting SELF and each other, and lifting each other up instead of beating each other down.
Some layers in this programming I have noticed are:

Competition in Subtle Moments
Inferior/Superior Polarity
Fearing Equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as superiority and inferiority with others in my world, specifically women and from a starting point of fear of survival, where I see women as my competition whom I must be better than in order to find a mate, secure a job and survive, instead of uniting and supporting other woman as myself, and lifting others up with me as I support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in competition with others, thus perpetuating a world of competition, power struggles, fighting, war, devastation and destruction, because at it's core, it all has the same programing of competition and survival, and I can no longer be a part and contribution to that, because I see/realize/understand that there is another way that can benefit everyone and not just some/the few/the winners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear humility and equality because I have built my ego to feel greater than others from a starting point of inferiority, where I live In Fear of everything and everyone as I have spent my time building my EGO as me, instead of building mySELF, the substance of me, my actions in the physical, wherein the EGO has no ground to stand upon, and can crumble and fall with a hint of a wisp of energy, whereas a SELF that is REAL stands unwavering, unmoved, untouchable, Here, Physical, Equal, Fearless, Humble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear humility and equality because I perceive that it takes away my ability to be better than others, and that, without that ability, I will be left to face the truth of me, that within myself I feel inferior and less-than, and that I need to fight to prove and validate to everyone outside of myself that this is not the case, instead of embracing me, the reality of me in this moment - flaws and all, and rather than continuing to fight, taking the first steps towards letting go of all ideas about myself I held/hold in high esteem, and humbly and consistently returning to nothingness to build myself again, for real, Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to participate in the inferiority/superiority polarity because it gives me the option to think/believe/perceive that I am better than others and therefor I will survive, and for those moments when I do gives my ego the feeling of security and distracts me from the truth of my self-belief of inferiority, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that All are equal in this process of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to my insecurities by participating within and as ‘superiority’ because when I do, I feel positive energy within the experience that I am better, of value and worth, and experience myself as not needing to change, instead of actually changing in such a way where I develop a living expression of self-value and self-worth in thought, word and deed, wherein I can then become the living word ‘humility’ and realize the equality that is Here, and stop participating in the competition that stems from the ‘inferiority’/’superiority’ polarity.

Day 217: My Stay at the Desteni Farm - The People

The People

The people here at the Desteni farm are simply awesome. Everyone here is walking their personal process of self-change, so each one is checking themselves, questioning and investigating their reactions, taking points back to self first, and then speaking or discussing an issue if necessary.  This makes for what I can only describe as a clear, calm and open atmosphere between people, from my experience. This makes for an awesome environment for self-reflection, because it becomes clearer that I am alone within myself, completely responsible for the creation of Who I Am and for sorting out my own consequences from past living, decisions and paly-outs in my life. I am alone within myself, but I am very much in a group here, walking as individuals, together in support.

            Each person here has a unique expression that creates a really nice diversity for discussion. Each has their own interests that they are focusing on, whether it be programming, baking, music, building, gardening, parenting, sports and more. There are families, couples and single people, so it is quite a mix. This variety of expression is the result of people getting to know themselves on deep and intimate levels, where they are expanding their interest, work and hobbies through experimentation, testing and looking at Who They Are within everything they do. And each person here is committed to writing and sharing their process of what they face in their lives within whatever they are currently busy with.

            With the writing, it’s cool to see what points people are facing internally, and then to watch them in their work or play to see how they are living their words. Because I have been walking my own process, I know what it takes to live the words you speak, and it is not so easy! So, when I see people here with the focus and dedication to truly live and stand as examples of what it means to live in a way that is best for all, equal and one, I know the work they put in to get there and it is inspiring to me, where I want to push myself to do the work for me as well. I also see the work that is being put in to support others out in the world, on the web, through courses and social media platforms, which is how I found out about this place and the tools of support. So I see the value and necessity to share, to give as I have received, and to build and create myself into someone that can equally share and support.

With the diversity and openness here, conversations often go back to points one is facing or has faced. Hearing all the different perspectives has given me incredible insights into myself, where points open up for me and I can see ways that I have been living that have been limiting or diminishing me. Not only that, but I am often supported, either directly or indirectly through others, to identify certain specific moments or events in my life, or patterns of behaviour that I can now write out in my own blog in order to sort out within myself. This supports not only myself to change, but anyone that is facing similar points to me can also read about my journey. In this way, others can have the same experience that I am having here, where sharing, relating and telling our stories can open up so much for each other, thus quantifying our processes of change. This is for anyone that understands that any real change that is going to happen in this world is going to start with change on an individual level.

            I also thoroughly enjoy meeting the other visitors that are coming from all over the world to spend some time here. I get to hear about their lives and what they do back home, we discuss challenges we’ve faced and successes we’ve had. Each person that comes here brings something unique, and in many ways, I am also getting to know myself better through the interactions I am having with them. One visitor that came with her children from the Netherlands, is working towards becoming a Life Alignment Specialist. She needed case

studies to complete her course and certification process. I’m pretty sure almost everyone here volunteered to do a session with her. I certainly did! The experience was amazing and I dug real deep into mind points that were contributing to a skin condition I have. I have since been writing out the points, as well as using supplements and creams to support my body, and in a short time I have begun to see results in the form of the skin clearing up, becoming calmer and less irritated and inflamed (I have seen doctors who have only prescribed steroids, which work temporarily, but is not a long-term solution for me, so I’m experimenting with a more wholistic approach).

            Another visitor, Garb from the US, has been amazing to observe. Her discipline to push herself to fill every day and live it fully while she is here is truly impressive. She is used to working long hours in an office back home, so here she has been challenging herself with more physical work, bringing her out of her mind and more into the physical, connecting to the earth and soil she has been working with. I have been learning from her how to develop this consistency and discipline, as it is something I have struggled with in the past.

We discussed these topics and more while we planted climbing plants that will eventually produce berries for the local birds to eat. Check out Garb's travel journal HERE. 

          Discussion and asking questions is cool and very supportive, but the thing that has the most impact on me personally has been to simply watch her live, again, standing as an example and the proof that I too can develop myself to become whatever I decide, so long as I apply myself (and within the practical limitations of physical reality, of course).

          


            

          For me, as someone that started off exceptionally shy and introverted, it has been very exciting to come out and express myself Here. I have been working on this point for years, but the difference is that back home, at work for example, there is so much extra ‘noise’ to deal with, in the form of gossip, ulterior motives, judgments and reactions. In that environment, we are to work as a team, yet in competition with each other in the face of job cuts or promotions. In this competitive environment, I found it exceptionally difficult to remain stable within myself, and was usually on the brink of ‘survival mode’, where keeping my job and keeping my boss happy were number one on my mind. I could express myself, but always had to make sure I was presenting myself in accordance with company values. Sometimes I found that company values conflicted with my own, and voicing myself had in the past caused some negative consequences for me in my career. Here, however, when I express myself and come out of my shell, I can just be me and express my principles of cooperation, equality and oneness.The difference is that I am now doing it to discover myself, Who I Am and what I am capable of, and not thinking about who I need to impress, or
staying on anyone’s ‘good side’.

          






          I will continue to share about my experiences at the Desteni Farm in blogs to come, so stay tuned, there will be more to come! But for now, please enjoy this video from the farm:

Cesar Discovers Video Camera

Day 79- Fear of Confrontation (Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Application Statements )

Within this blog, I am writing self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from my previous blogs, Days 76 and 77. This is to assist and support myself to walk out of the fear of confrontation, and into and as a self-directed being of/as effective communication and self-authority.

I commit myself to push myself till I am able to stand stable in the face of confrontation or any other social interaction, within/through understanding my own mind and the within/as my mind fears I have created for myself, deconstructing those fears and seeing them for what they really are: limitation- Self-imposed limitation, that is. And within this, I realize I have a choice. Through self-forgiveness I can forgive myself for what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live as thus far, because within forgiveness there is responsibility- the responsibility to change self- because a population of fearful and limited beings is not a population that will stand up for Life in this world. However, I can only take responsibility for myself, and change myself, because each is responsible for self and will face self at the end of the day.

When and as I see that I am suppressing myself due to the fear of feeling ‘bad or ‘wrong’ based on someone confronting me about something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that feeling ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ is no longer an option because now I have self-forgiveness: I forgive myself, I look at my starting point, and I change when/where necessary. In this way, I see, realize and understand that Life becomes all about learning, expanding and growing, instead of fearing, suppressing and controlling. Awesome.

Ego:

I commit myself to not take being confronted personally, because I understand the reaction of another is never about me, it’s only ever about self. Within this, I see, realize and understand that I can only make it about me if I am participating and interacting from a starting point of and as ego- because then all and everything is about me, thus:

When and as I see that I am participating with another from a starting point of ego- wherein I feel ‘attacked’ and like I’m ‘losing’ the fight, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back out of ego by breathing through the energetic experience of ‘loss’ and ‘defensiveness’ until the energy is gone. I realize that I cannot be trusted when I am participating within/as ego, so I direct myself to end the confrontation/interaction before I do any more damage/create any more consequences. I breathe, and I end it, and I realize that there is no competition, there are no ‘winners’ and ‘losers’. There is only effective or non-effective communication, and one is a waste of time.

I commit myself to write myself outwhenever I see that I participated from within/as a starting point of ego as one of many characters of the mind, until I see/realize/understand what triggered the character, why I accepted/allowed it, and how I developed it over time, so that I can effectively stop and erase that character in order that I remain Here through any and all interaction, as a stable being that can be trusted over time.

I commit myself to only participate in effective communication, and to perfect my communication skills till I can create/direct myself as an effective communicator of words that I Live as myself as Life.

When and as I think/believe/perceive that I have upset someone by what I have done/said, I stop, and I breathe. I stop myself from reacting in fear and I instead direct myself to look at the starting point of what I said. Can I stand by it, or was it from a starting point of ego. If I can stand by it, I humbly do. If it was from ego, I do not defend it, but rather stop, and let go, and breathe through the energetic experiences that may follow. I stop my participation until I see that I can be trusted to stand.

 

Authority

I commit myself to stop my reliance upon external authority, and to instead be/become a self-responsible being that considers myself and my place in this world, and acting according to principle, that I can be trusted and trust myself and Who I am in every breath, and thus not require authority.

When and as I see that I am accepting/allowing another to have authority over me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that any influence authority has within me indicates a lack of self-authority, so I take back my self-authority by being/becoming the author of myself, through scripting and directing myself as who I am/will be as a self-honest being that does what’s best for all. So…

When and as I see that the authority of another is influencing me in any way, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-authority by stopping my reaction and letting go, then bringing myself back Here by reminding myself that I had abdicated my self-authority, ad now is time to take it back. I take these moments as reminders that I must be my own authority in every single breath, or else somebody else will do it for me, and I do not want anyone to author my Life for me, as it will never be what’s best for me/best for all unless I take the self-responsibility to do it myself within/as self-equality as all as one as equal.

           

Day 77- The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation

Within this blog, I am looking at a second event in which I experienced the fear of confrontation. And although I may have appeared confident and certain on the outside, this is what I went through internally (beginning with a brief description of the event, from yesterday’s blog)”

“ [the event] involved me revealing a decision I had made to some people who very likely would not approve. I experienced several waves of fear before telling them. It was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it a secret, suppress it, hide it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of standing as it. And this is very much how I experience myself within myself- as this hiding, keeping secret, suppressing, or restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the decision was in fact a part of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me that wanted to keep it hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the part that lays itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up speaking my decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me within the conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend myself and convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again seeking validation/approval.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing equal to and one with the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself within/as self-direction within/as the decisions I make, specifically when I think/believe/perceive the decision will be challenged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having my decisions challenged or resisted, and within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to have any part of myself challenged/resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to hide/keep secret/suppress any part of myself due to the fear of having it challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to restrict/restrain/control myself within/as the fear of having that part of me challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because then I have to stand up within/as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because I exist within/as ego, and ego can be hurt, ego can lose in the game of winners and losers- a game created within/as ego, and ego doesn’t like to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach others from a starting point of ego, wherein I participate within an unspoken competition, instead of walking my process within/as humility, where I stand within the principle of oneness and equality within my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself as ego, in situations where I think/believe/perceive I might ‘lose.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a game of winners and losers, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value ‘winners’ as ‘more than’ and ‘losers’ as ‘less than’, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ‘less than’ within and as my own self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to ‘win’ and be ‘more-than others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ and being ‘less-than’ others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that whomever ‘wins’ and is ‘more-than; gets/deserves the ‘power’ in the situation, and whomever ‘loses’ and is ‘less-than’ has to/must abdicate his/her power because of some unspoken ‘rules of engagement’ within relationships between people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as ‘more-‘ or ‘less-than’ any other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I’ve defined myself as having ‘lost’, to then not abdicate my power because I’ve seen/realized/understood that ‘I’m still Here’, and thus, I see/realize/understand that the game does not exist, and that we are all in fact equal.

Day 19 - Jealousy is a Bitch

            Today I am looking at jealousy. Although it has not been a prevalent point for me recently, it certainly has been in the past, which I will bring Here and forgive. It also emerges from time to time within me, mildly, and today I reacted to it, which means that I accepted and allowed jealousy to influence me, which is not acceptable as it is of separation, comparison, inferiority/superiority and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe jealousy exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing jealousy to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within jealousy when I am in situations where someone else is chosen over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that a choice is being made regarding my worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-pity and victimized when I am jealous, as a form of self-manipulation so that I don’t have to face the fact that I’m only jealous because I’ve separated myself from my worth/value, and placed it outside of and separate from me, and have based it on the decisions/behavior/choices etc… of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as of little worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as inferiority when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to participate within and as self-pity and victimization instead of standing up as myself as a whole self-directive being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the energetic experience of spite when I experience jealousy within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate those around me into choosing me as a reaction to the experience of jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to change myself in order to be/become a ‘better competitor’ when and as I experience jealousy.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting myself unconditionally, and therefor manifesting the experience of jealousy when I think/believe/perceive I have lost some kind of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’ when others gather together and I remain alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project others judging me when they are together and I am not there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I’m missing out on something important when others are gathered and ‘going out’ and I choose to remain alone at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to my experience of jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to jealousy because I perceive I have ‘lost’ some competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing’ with ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘losing’ and from ‘embarrassment’ by defining the word ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’ in separation of myself.

I commit myself to exposing any and all jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rescript myself without jealousy, as jealousy has no place in my life and does not serve me.

When I as I see that I am going into an experience of jealousy, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am a whole self-directive being who’s value/worth are not found in competition outside of me, but within the unconditional self-acceptance I allow myself to be.