Recently I have had the opportunity
to change environments three times and experience 4-5 different scenarios of
people and interactions with both friends and family. I experienced small
intimate groups, large formal groups, and large informal groups over the past
week. What I realized was how much influence my environment has upon me, for
example, with eating. I find when I’m in a big group and there’s lots of food
out and it’s a ‘special’ event, I’ will just eat crap, eat too much and justify
it with the excuse that it’s a ‘special occasion’ and I don’t eat like this all
the time.
Currently, I have been involved in a
lot of ‘special occasions’ all in a row, wherein I did not apply any self-will.
When I look back over the past two years, I can see that I generally over eat
all the time, and I also generally eat whatever I want, and cave in to cravings
so long as they’re strong enough. What I’ve realized is that, I DO eat like
this all the time, I’m only more extreme when it’s a special occasion, which is
not a difficult justification to conjure up out of almost nothing.
What I’m saying is- the environment
you exist within does not determine who you are and what you do. YOU are the
one deciding. So anything which can be blamed on environment is an abdication
of self-responsibility, and the fact of the matter is, it has been and will
always be YOU/ME/US who is making the choices. It’s not the ‘special occasion’
that makes me over eat or eat crap; it’s who I am, it’s the choices I make
because it’s what I really want. It’s a subtle addiction to the feeling of
‘fullness’. It’s a sugar addiction, it’s eating because I’m nervous, and it’s
eating because of lack of will. It’s all of these things, and all of these
things are NOT okay They are all physical actions which derive from emotional
experiences, or which I do in order to manipulate my emotional experience-
meaning, the way I feel inside is directing who I am, instead of ME directing
myself. The way I feel inside is not a reasonable thing that has my best
interest in any sort of alignment, nor does it take into consideration
practical reality, for example, what my body actually needs, how much and when.
Rather- it is based on emotional energy, and if I were to pursue it as if it
was the ‘right’ thing to do, I would end up really obese (or rather- in self-honesty, slightly overweight) and probably diabetic if I went all out-
so, I would be sick and unhealthy, uncomfortable in my body and probably very
unsatisfied with myself and who am as a person. Whereas with self-direction, I
act according to oneness and equality with myself, where there Is no part of me
that is more powerful or weaker than another, such as addictions, habits,
emotions etc… Rather, I am the directive principle of me, and I act based upon
actual physical reality, not feelings and emotions, patterns and habits etc…
and I align myself with what’s best for me as one and equal with all that’s
Here, therefore I align myself with what’s best for all.
Overeating
and throwing away self-direction/self-will on a special occasion may not seem
like such a big deal- as I have told myself within the process of
justification, where I tell myself: “well, it’s just this once,” or, “I’m just
enjoying myself with my friends and family.” These justifications may seem
harmless, or even ‘right,’ but in reality, these small, seemingly minor
decisions take place every day, hundreds of times by everyone, billions of
people. Billions of decisions made in self-interest have created the world the
way it is, a world of individuals who are in competition: survival of the
fittest, absolute self-interest, which creates poverty for most, and abundance
for the few.
In order for us to collectively STOP
recreating this world of poverty, starvation and abuse, we have to stop making
every little decision in self-interest where we consider only ourselves. So
every little decision counts. The little decisions that we make subconsciously
are indicative of who we really are at a fundamental level. When I throw away
my self-direction and self-will when I use justification and excuses, I am
making the statement to myself that I am less-than my habits, addictions and
patterns; that my emotions and inner-experience dictate who I am; and that I do
not have control/direction over myself, even in the most minor ways. We need to
see, realize and understand that we can change this, we can document this
change as proof, and then live the change so as to be an example of what is
possible. This is where my earlier justification meets its polarity, now seeing
the challenge as “too big,” and stopping before I even try to change with the
excuse that “this is impossible.” But when I just stop justifying and instead actually
try, the whole reality of the situation changes, because now there is nothing
stopping me from realizing who I am, beyond self-interest, beyond addictions,
habits and patterns, beyond self-created limitations and beyond what I have learned,
or been taught what and who and how I am.
But, this can only go one way: one
step at a time. So, this step, or this day (in this breath) I will forgive
myself and release myself from one aspect or dimension of the belief that my
environment determines who I am. This dimension consists of eating patterns,
wherein I will use the excuse or justification that when it is a ‘special
occasion’, I may eat whatever I want, despite any previous agreements I may
have made with myself. I will release this pattern/habit/addiction in order
that I may reclaim directive principle of myself, and stand as who I am according
to ME as Life, and not according to energetic emotional experiences, feeling
experiences, habits, patterns and addictions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or
become influenced by my environment, instead of directing myself in every
moment, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
excuse/justification/belief that when my environment changes, I can/will/must
change as well.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
stand regardless of who I am with, where I am or what I am doing.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
remain constant, consistent and stable as me, Here, despite what is going on
around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a
reactive human being, which reacts to an environment, instead of an active human being- one which creates itself
in every moment Here as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
my inner experience to be my guiding principle instead of developing
self-trust, and leading myself as the self-directive principle of me, wherein I
choose to align myself with oneness and equality, to myself and to all that’s
here, rather than being directed by an inner experience that is aligned with
self-interest, gluttony addictions, habits, patterns, beliefs, etc…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust
my mind and ego, believing that is what is best for me, instead of realizing
that it is an abdication of self-responsibility that, on a mass scale, creates
the world as we see it today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat
whatever “I want” during times I have defined as ‘special,’ because of the
thought/idea/belief that my environment dictates who I am, in other words, I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make and reinforce the
decision or statement that ‘my environment dictates who I am’ by accepting and
allowing myself to abdicate my self-will and self-direction during certain
specific times/changes/occasions that take place in my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so
easily disregard myself as Life in order to indulge in the mind of
self-interest as addiction/habits/patterns/beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
excuse/justification/belief that my environment has more
power/control/direction over me than I do, thus justifying the abdication of my
responsibility to myself, and to Life, as I stand as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
that the inner experience of nervousness dictates who and how I am, rather than
standing up during that inner-experience of nervousness in order to prove to
myself, over time, that nervousness is not who I am, it does not direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
that m addiction to the feeling of fullness/satiation dictates who and how I
am, instead of standing up from within that addiction, applying self-will and
self-direction and not succumbing, in order to prove to myself, over time, that
addiction does not determine who or how I am, it does not direct me. I direct
me Here according to oneness and equality to myself and to all that is Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
that eating habits are bigger than my self-direction, wherein a habit, or ‘the
way it has always been’ determines ‘the way it will always be,’ instead or
standing up from within that habit in order that I may change it, thus making
the living statement that I determine me, I decide who and how I am and will be
from here on out.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
stand up from within the habit of over-eating at ‘special occasions’ because of
excuses, justifications and beliefs which I used to accept and allow myself to
fall back in to the indulgences of the mind instead of standing stable, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the behavior of
others to determine my behavior, thus making the living statement that I am a
follower, or I allow others to direct me, this is not acceptable as one who
follows cannot be trusted, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to use the behavior of others as an excuse or justification as
to who and how I comport myself in my body/physical/reality/life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
my justifications and excuses instead of applying self-honesty in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be
self-dishonest with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use
food as a comfort, making the statement that I need to be comforted, instead of
accepting myself and directing myself towards being and becoming a being I can
accept.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use
food to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing this is
self-abuse, and is not who I am as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy
the self-will and self-trust I have built up thus far by tossing it aside for
the sake of a ‘special occasion’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
sabotage myself by accepting and allowing my environment to determine who I am
when I know better than that, that it is only me who influences and decides for
me, and I cannot escape from that responsibility.
I commit myself to walk through, untangle, understand and
change those parts of my life that I have used to justify and excuse
self-abdication until all of me is self-directive wherein I am able to apply
self-will in every moment.
I commit myself to being and becoming the self-directive principle
of me, and releasing myself from the influence my environment has upon me,
until I am aligned with reality in a practical way that supports me as all as
one as equal.
I commit myself to standing stable in every moment, and o not
sabotage myself in a moment due to an internal experience or an environmental
pressure.
When and as I see myself going into excuses, justifications
and beliefs that allow me to sabotage myself, such as with over-eating at a ‘special’
occasion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the
understanding that such actions are an abdication of self-responsibility, and
falling in the face of these temptations diminishes me as it destroys the self-commitment,
self-will and self-direction I have created within me thus far. I WILL NOT
accept and allow myself to sabotage and diminish myself in this way, so instead
I breathe, I realize that I cannot trust the feelings inside me, and instead I
will trust myself as life, even when it doesn’t feel ‘good’. I realize change
does not always feel ‘good’.
