Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Ever try to give up a habit, change a repeating pattern in your life, or stop an addiction? Life can seem pretty good, nice and easy, but when you truly challenge yourself to live by principle, live your intentions instead of just intending them, and really looking honestly at what kind of person you are it can be quite a challenge. From my experience, change in this way can bring one to the limits of what one thought was previously possible, and to the darkest depths of the mind that have gone unexplored for too long. Those parts that are protected with defense mechanisms, fear and anger. Self-forgiveness is the key to go there, if self is willing to support self, to realize who self really is as a human being within one’s own life and in the context of the world as a whole. Then to bring self-awareness and self-realization to real change through practical means, not faith, hope or spirituality, but actual tangible change in living action.

Here I continue my Journey to Life, taking myself back in the context of education, continued from this blog series: click Here.

When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do

I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what is the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ whenever I want (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.

I commit myself to let go of my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, ad to instead face myself head-on by taking back my self-directive principle  wherein,

I commit myself to direct myself to stand up from within/as the distractions, treading of time, and not supporting myself, by standing up from within the internal energetic experiences that I accept/allow to lead me to them, and the external actions of physical participation within them, by stopping myinternal experience with breath and self-forgiveness, and my external action with physical self-movement, away from self-destructive/self-diminishing patterns/habits, and towards self-support.

When and as I see that I am following my mind to distractions, detours, and ‘treading time’ I stop, and I breathe. I stop my internal participation in the energetic experience of escaping that which I’m avoiding by bringing myself back Here with breath, and within/through self-honesty, revealing to myself that which I am avoiding in order that I may direct my physical application to do that thing within/through using the self-supportive tools of breath, self-honesty and writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television, eating, and hanging out.

I commit myself to support myself to stand up to myself, within myself, by pushing myself to do the things I want to do because I know those are the things that will support me, instead of simply doing the things I want to do because they’re easy, yet over time, destructive.

When and as I see that I am diminishing myself by taking the easy route/easy way out, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by pushing myself to change my physical application to an activity that is supportive to me, specifically to do the thing that I am most likely avoiding.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.

I commit myself to get to know myself, Who I Am beyond the limited version of me that I have thus far accepted and allowed myseld to exist as.

I commit myself to force myself to stop the patterns and habits that diminish me and that are destructive in my Life, because I know that at times, Force Is what I will need to use, because my laziness, lack of self-responsibility, and addictions have become a force unto themselves, which is a force that I’ve accepted and allowed to become greater than me, and my ability to be able to choose Who I Am in every moment.

 

When and as I see that I am falling into the pre-determined self that I have accepted and allowed to become a seemingly uncontrollable force in/as my Life, which is signified by those moments in which I am doing something that I do not want to be doing, but I’m doing it anyways, because it ‘feels good’ in the moment, even though I know I will be disappointed and frustrated with myself very soon afterward, so I STOP, and I breathe. I support myself to FORCE myself to stop the activity, and comeback to common sense within the realization that that which I am doing will only serve to bring me down, over time, into depression, frustration and self-loathing… but if I force myself to stop, I will create a stronger version of me, I will not experience frustration and self-loathing, and I will avoid the unnecessary cycle of depression that comes from giving up on myself repeatedly due to not wanting to face having to actually force myself to do what’s best for myself. I support myself to be the disciplinarian that knows what’s best, and to listen to myself as that voice of reason within/as a ones with it, and equality to it.

To be continued....

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series leading up to this blog: Here.

Day 16-does Changing My Environment Change Who I Am?

Recently I have had the opportunity to change environments three times and experience 4-5 different scenarios of people and interactions with both friends and family. I experienced small intimate groups, large formal groups, and large informal groups over the past week. What I realized was how much influence my environment has upon me, for example, with eating. I find when I’m in a big group and there’s lots of food out and it’s a ‘special’ event, I’ will just eat crap, eat too much and justify it with the excuse that it’s a ‘special occasion’ and I don’t eat like this all the time.

Currently, I have been involved in a lot of ‘special occasions’ all in a row, wherein I did not apply any self-will. When I look back over the past two years, I can see that I generally over eat all the time, and I also generally eat whatever I want, and cave in to cravings so long as they’re strong enough. What I’ve realized is that, I DO eat like this all the time, I’m only more extreme when it’s a special occasion, which is not a difficult justification to conjure up out of almost nothing.

What I’m saying is- the environment you exist within does not determine who you are and what you do. YOU are the one deciding. So anything which can be blamed on environment is an abdication of self-responsibility, and the fact of the matter is, it has been and will always be YOU/ME/US who is making the choices. It’s not the ‘special occasion’ that makes me over eat or eat crap; it’s who I am, it’s the choices I make because it’s what I really want. It’s a subtle addiction to the feeling of ‘fullness’. It’s a sugar addiction, it’s eating because I’m nervous, and it’s eating because of lack of will. It’s all of these things, and all of these things are NOT okay They are all physical actions which derive from emotional experiences, or which I do in order to manipulate my emotional experience- meaning, the way I feel inside is directing who I am, instead of ME directing myself. The way I feel inside is not a reasonable thing that has my best interest in any sort of alignment, nor does it take into consideration practical reality, for example, what my body actually needs, how much and when. Rather- it is based on emotional energy, and if I were to pursue it as if it was the ‘right’ thing to do, I would end up really obese (or rather- in self-honesty, slightly overweight) and probably diabetic if I went all out- so, I would be sick and unhealthy, uncomfortable in my body and probably very unsatisfied with myself and who am as a person. Whereas with self-direction, I act according to oneness and equality with myself, where there Is no part of me that is more powerful or weaker than another, such as addictions, habits, emotions etc… Rather, I am the directive principle of me, and I act based upon actual physical reality, not feelings and emotions, patterns and habits etc… and I align myself with what’s best for me as one and equal with all that’s Here, therefore I align myself with what’s best for all.

            Overeating and throwing away self-direction/self-will on a special occasion may not seem like such a big deal- as I have told myself within the process of justification, where I tell myself: “well, it’s just this once,” or, “I’m just enjoying myself with my friends and family.” These justifications may seem harmless, or even ‘right,’ but in reality, these small, seemingly minor decisions take place every day, hundreds of times by everyone, billions of people. Billions of decisions made in self-interest have created the world the way it is, a world of individuals who are in competition: survival of the fittest, absolute self-interest, which creates poverty for most, and abundance for the few.

In order for us to collectively STOP recreating this world of poverty, starvation and abuse, we have to stop making every little decision in self-interest where we consider only ourselves. So every little decision counts. The little decisions that we make subconsciously are indicative of who we really are at a fundamental level. When I throw away my self-direction and self-will when I use justification and excuses, I am making the statement to myself that I am less-than my habits, addictions and patterns; that my emotions and inner-experience dictate who I am; and that I do not have control/direction over myself, even in the most minor ways. We need to see, realize and understand that we can change this, we can document this change as proof, and then live the change so as to be an example of what is possible. This is where my earlier justification meets its polarity, now seeing the challenge as “too big,” and stopping before I even try to change with the excuse that “this is impossible.” But when I just stop justifying and instead actually try, the whole reality of the situation changes, because now there is nothing stopping me from realizing who I am, beyond self-interest, beyond addictions, habits and patterns, beyond self-created limitations and beyond what I have learned, or been taught what and who and how I am.

But, this can only go one way: one step at a time. So, this step, or this day (in this breath) I will forgive myself and release myself from one aspect or dimension of the belief that my environment determines who I am. This dimension consists of eating patterns, wherein I will use the excuse or justification that when it is a ‘special occasion’, I may eat whatever I want, despite any previous agreements I may have made with myself. I will release this pattern/habit/addiction in order that I may reclaim directive principle of myself, and stand as who I am according to ME as Life, and not according to energetic emotional experiences, feeling experiences, habits, patterns and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become influenced by my environment, instead of directing myself in every moment, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that when my environment changes, I can/will/must change as well.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand regardless of who I am with, where I am or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain constant, consistent and stable as me, Here, despite what is going on around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a reactive human being, which reacts to an environment, instead of an  active human being- one which creates itself in every moment Here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner experience to be my guiding principle instead of developing self-trust, and leading myself as the self-directive principle of me, wherein I choose to align myself with oneness and equality, to myself and to all that’s here, rather than being directed by an inner experience that is aligned with self-interest, gluttony addictions, habits, patterns, beliefs, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind and ego, believing that is what is best for me, instead of realizing that it is an abdication of self-responsibility that, on a mass scale, creates the world as we see it today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat whatever “I want” during times I have defined as ‘special,’ because of the thought/idea/belief that my environment dictates who I am, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make and reinforce the decision or statement that ‘my environment dictates who I am’ by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-will and self-direction during certain specific times/changes/occasions that take place in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so easily disregard myself as Life in order to indulge in the mind of self-interest as addiction/habits/patterns/beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that my environment has more power/control/direction over me than I do, thus justifying the abdication of my responsibility to myself, and to Life, as I stand as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the inner experience of nervousness dictates who and how I am, rather than standing up during that inner-experience of nervousness in order to prove to myself, over time, that nervousness is not who I am, it does not direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that m addiction to the feeling of fullness/satiation dictates who and how I am, instead of standing up from within that addiction, applying self-will and self-direction and not succumbing, in order to prove to myself, over time, that addiction does not determine who or how I am, it does not direct me. I direct me Here according to oneness and equality to myself and to all that is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that eating habits are bigger than my self-direction, wherein a habit, or ‘the way it has always been’ determines ‘the way it will always be,’ instead or standing up from within that habit in order that I may change it, thus making the living statement that I determine me, I decide who and how I am and will be from here on out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up from within the habit of over-eating at ‘special occasions’ because of excuses, justifications and beliefs which I used to accept and allow myself to fall back in to the indulgences of the mind instead of standing stable, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the behavior of others to determine my behavior, thus making the living statement that I am a follower, or I allow others to direct me, this is not acceptable as one who follows cannot be trusted, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the behavior of others as an excuse or justification as to who and how I comport myself in my body/physical/reality/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my justifications and excuses instead of applying self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a comfort, making the statement that I need to be comforted, instead of accepting myself and directing myself towards being and becoming a being I can accept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing this is self-abuse, and is not who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy the self-will and self-trust I have built up thus far by tossing it aside for the sake of a ‘special occasion’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by accepting and allowing my environment to determine who I am when I know better than that, that it is only me who influences and decides for me, and I cannot escape from that responsibility.

I commit myself to walk through, untangle, understand and change those parts of my life that I have used to justify and excuse self-abdication until all of me is self-directive wherein I am able to apply self-will in every moment.

I commit myself to being and becoming the self-directive principle of me, and releasing myself from the influence my environment has upon me, until I am aligned with reality in a practical way that supports me as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to standing stable in every moment, and o not sabotage myself in a moment due to an internal experience or an environmental pressure.

When and as I see myself going into excuses, justifications and beliefs that allow me to sabotage myself, such as with over-eating at a ‘special’ occasion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that such actions are an abdication of self-responsibility, and falling in the face of these temptations diminishes me as it destroys the self-commitment, self-will and self-direction I have created within me thus far. I WILL NOT accept and allow myself to sabotage and diminish myself in this way, so instead I breathe, I realize that I cannot trust the feelings inside me, and instead I will trust myself as life, even when it doesn’t feel ‘good’. I realize change does not always feel ‘good’.