Day 211 - Naked Face, Facing Naked Truth

Here's me in the morning, no makeup, tired eyes, a blank slate waiting for instructions. My un-directed mind starts to take over and create a blueprint for the day based on subconscious fears, undesirable memories and patterns of the past. That is where I step in, me as my awareness, my self-will, my self-directive principle. 

Today I give myself the opportunity to choose again:

Who Will I Be Today?

This morning is the first day I am back from my vacation. I came home Saturday so that Sunday could be a buffer day before I go back to work. This morning my experience is that I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach. The thought of knowing that I have to go back to work, knowing I will get caught up in the stress and anxiety of it all, knowing that it is beyond my control that my body will become stiff and painful, like walking into slaughter.

The word I will use to encapsulate this is ‘foreboding’. I can relate this back to when I was younger and most of the activities I had to do I actually loathed – school, swimming lessons, piano lessons, homework, etc… – things that I didn’t understand, or I was physically uncomfortable doing, or did not interest me at all. And I began to develop this feeling about ‘what is coming next’ and how I will experience myself negatively during it.

The attitude here is that “something bad is necessarily going to happen”, the key word being ‘necessarily’. When I was younger I would become emotional in situations where people had to teach me things and they would become frustrated and upset because I would not learn. But at that stage in life, learning is what we do most, so I would face it again and again. Also, I was being placed into activities not of my choosing and never pushed real hard to stop them, I just gave up and submitted to going through whatever was placed on my plate. So I began to see this as how life necessarily plays out. I never thought to give myself options…. Always the victim, never giving too much fight.

Now it is different though. I have chosen to be at the job I am at. I could technically quit whenever I want. I can also choose how I handle the stress of the day, whereas when I was younger, I did not have this understanding. I realize I can and have to fight for making things better and more supportive for myself, because I have seen that things are never ever just handed out. I can challenge myself and what I claim to apparently 'know' about myself and life, because within this 'knowing' there is a victimization present that I cannot accept or allow. The naked truth is that I am not a victim of my circumstances, that I can choose and I can change.

The question is then, how do I change my experience from that of ‘foreboding’ (picture a small child, knees to chest, grasping legs and looking up in fear), to a strong woman, standing tall, walking bravely, confidently, determinedly into the darkness of the unknown, ready to face whatever comes up and let it roll of her back like a wave. The word that sticks out for me is ‘determinedly’. And that will be my support word: “determined”.

The meaning I will live is both ‘to be determined’, and ‘to determine how I will be’. It goes forward and backward. I am determined to live today to it’s fullest, to get the things done that I need to do so that I am best supported to face my week. I also determine that I will face this day with confidence and certainty that I know what the fuck I am doing, why I am doing it, and who I am within it.

To accomplish this I will write out a list of the things I need to get done. I will keep it practical and do-able. I will also include enjoyable things on there, so that it is not just a day of errands. It is important to always keep the balance. This way I go from a foreboding day where I stay in and hide, to a determined day where I get out there and face the world. At the end of the day I will do a recap and post it here.

A little self-forgiveness to release the past:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events because I keep re-hashing only memories of unpleasant play-outs essentially using only the negatives of my past to paint my future with, instead of remembering a balance, and more importantly, remembering to be present, Here, grounded and knowing fully that I create my future with the decision I make right here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of foreboding within and as me because I am remembering how in the past I used to victimize myself and make myself powerless to change my environment, activities and self-experience, and hanging on to that as if it were truth, instead of letting go of that and tossing it as far away from myself as possible, and celebrating the fact that I have realized it is NOT truth, I am NOT a victim, and I have COMPLETE determination over who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to pity myself as one that has to endure life and always faces negative scenarios and unfortunate play-outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that I had a lot to do with creating the enduring negative experiences in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I had a choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of being the victim, because then I don't have to be completely responsible for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be completely responsible for myself, instead of seeing and realizing that complete responsibility creates complete freedom and empowerment.

I Think, Therefore I do not Act - Life Review:

How do thoughts determine who we are and will always be?

Living in Imagination - Reptilians - Part 204:
How have we come to live predominantly within our imaginations?
What does it mean to live in our imagination, even though we exist in the physical reality?
Why doesn’t each of our thoughts or imaginings manifest in the world?
What determines which of our thoughts or imaginings will manifest in the world?
Do we determine what manifests from within us, or is there something more…?

Osho - Becoming the Point of Ego

Thank you

Day 16-does Changing My Environment Change Who I Am?

Recently I have had the opportunity to change environments three times and experience 4-5 different scenarios of people and interactions with both friends and family. I experienced small intimate groups, large formal groups, and large informal groups over the past week. What I realized was how much influence my environment has upon me, for example, with eating. I find when I’m in a big group and there’s lots of food out and it’s a ‘special’ event, I’ will just eat crap, eat too much and justify it with the excuse that it’s a ‘special occasion’ and I don’t eat like this all the time.

Currently, I have been involved in a lot of ‘special occasions’ all in a row, wherein I did not apply any self-will. When I look back over the past two years, I can see that I generally over eat all the time, and I also generally eat whatever I want, and cave in to cravings so long as they’re strong enough. What I’ve realized is that, I DO eat like this all the time, I’m only more extreme when it’s a special occasion, which is not a difficult justification to conjure up out of almost nothing.

What I’m saying is- the environment you exist within does not determine who you are and what you do. YOU are the one deciding. So anything which can be blamed on environment is an abdication of self-responsibility, and the fact of the matter is, it has been and will always be YOU/ME/US who is making the choices. It’s not the ‘special occasion’ that makes me over eat or eat crap; it’s who I am, it’s the choices I make because it’s what I really want. It’s a subtle addiction to the feeling of ‘fullness’. It’s a sugar addiction, it’s eating because I’m nervous, and it’s eating because of lack of will. It’s all of these things, and all of these things are NOT okay They are all physical actions which derive from emotional experiences, or which I do in order to manipulate my emotional experience- meaning, the way I feel inside is directing who I am, instead of ME directing myself. The way I feel inside is not a reasonable thing that has my best interest in any sort of alignment, nor does it take into consideration practical reality, for example, what my body actually needs, how much and when. Rather- it is based on emotional energy, and if I were to pursue it as if it was the ‘right’ thing to do, I would end up really obese (or rather- in self-honesty, slightly overweight) and probably diabetic if I went all out- so, I would be sick and unhealthy, uncomfortable in my body and probably very unsatisfied with myself and who am as a person. Whereas with self-direction, I act according to oneness and equality with myself, where there Is no part of me that is more powerful or weaker than another, such as addictions, habits, emotions etc… Rather, I am the directive principle of me, and I act based upon actual physical reality, not feelings and emotions, patterns and habits etc… and I align myself with what’s best for me as one and equal with all that’s Here, therefore I align myself with what’s best for all.

            Overeating and throwing away self-direction/self-will on a special occasion may not seem like such a big deal- as I have told myself within the process of justification, where I tell myself: “well, it’s just this once,” or, “I’m just enjoying myself with my friends and family.” These justifications may seem harmless, or even ‘right,’ but in reality, these small, seemingly minor decisions take place every day, hundreds of times by everyone, billions of people. Billions of decisions made in self-interest have created the world the way it is, a world of individuals who are in competition: survival of the fittest, absolute self-interest, which creates poverty for most, and abundance for the few.

In order for us to collectively STOP recreating this world of poverty, starvation and abuse, we have to stop making every little decision in self-interest where we consider only ourselves. So every little decision counts. The little decisions that we make subconsciously are indicative of who we really are at a fundamental level. When I throw away my self-direction and self-will when I use justification and excuses, I am making the statement to myself that I am less-than my habits, addictions and patterns; that my emotions and inner-experience dictate who I am; and that I do not have control/direction over myself, even in the most minor ways. We need to see, realize and understand that we can change this, we can document this change as proof, and then live the change so as to be an example of what is possible. This is where my earlier justification meets its polarity, now seeing the challenge as “too big,” and stopping before I even try to change with the excuse that “this is impossible.” But when I just stop justifying and instead actually try, the whole reality of the situation changes, because now there is nothing stopping me from realizing who I am, beyond self-interest, beyond addictions, habits and patterns, beyond self-created limitations and beyond what I have learned, or been taught what and who and how I am.

But, this can only go one way: one step at a time. So, this step, or this day (in this breath) I will forgive myself and release myself from one aspect or dimension of the belief that my environment determines who I am. This dimension consists of eating patterns, wherein I will use the excuse or justification that when it is a ‘special occasion’, I may eat whatever I want, despite any previous agreements I may have made with myself. I will release this pattern/habit/addiction in order that I may reclaim directive principle of myself, and stand as who I am according to ME as Life, and not according to energetic emotional experiences, feeling experiences, habits, patterns and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become influenced by my environment, instead of directing myself in every moment, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that when my environment changes, I can/will/must change as well.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand regardless of who I am with, where I am or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain constant, consistent and stable as me, Here, despite what is going on around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a reactive human being, which reacts to an environment, instead of an  active human being- one which creates itself in every moment Here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner experience to be my guiding principle instead of developing self-trust, and leading myself as the self-directive principle of me, wherein I choose to align myself with oneness and equality, to myself and to all that’s here, rather than being directed by an inner experience that is aligned with self-interest, gluttony addictions, habits, patterns, beliefs, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind and ego, believing that is what is best for me, instead of realizing that it is an abdication of self-responsibility that, on a mass scale, creates the world as we see it today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat whatever “I want” during times I have defined as ‘special,’ because of the thought/idea/belief that my environment dictates who I am, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make and reinforce the decision or statement that ‘my environment dictates who I am’ by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-will and self-direction during certain specific times/changes/occasions that take place in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so easily disregard myself as Life in order to indulge in the mind of self-interest as addiction/habits/patterns/beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that my environment has more power/control/direction over me than I do, thus justifying the abdication of my responsibility to myself, and to Life, as I stand as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the inner experience of nervousness dictates who and how I am, rather than standing up during that inner-experience of nervousness in order to prove to myself, over time, that nervousness is not who I am, it does not direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that m addiction to the feeling of fullness/satiation dictates who and how I am, instead of standing up from within that addiction, applying self-will and self-direction and not succumbing, in order to prove to myself, over time, that addiction does not determine who or how I am, it does not direct me. I direct me Here according to oneness and equality to myself and to all that is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that eating habits are bigger than my self-direction, wherein a habit, or ‘the way it has always been’ determines ‘the way it will always be,’ instead or standing up from within that habit in order that I may change it, thus making the living statement that I determine me, I decide who and how I am and will be from here on out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up from within the habit of over-eating at ‘special occasions’ because of excuses, justifications and beliefs which I used to accept and allow myself to fall back in to the indulgences of the mind instead of standing stable, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the behavior of others to determine my behavior, thus making the living statement that I am a follower, or I allow others to direct me, this is not acceptable as one who follows cannot be trusted, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the behavior of others as an excuse or justification as to who and how I comport myself in my body/physical/reality/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my justifications and excuses instead of applying self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a comfort, making the statement that I need to be comforted, instead of accepting myself and directing myself towards being and becoming a being I can accept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing this is self-abuse, and is not who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy the self-will and self-trust I have built up thus far by tossing it aside for the sake of a ‘special occasion’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by accepting and allowing my environment to determine who I am when I know better than that, that it is only me who influences and decides for me, and I cannot escape from that responsibility.

I commit myself to walk through, untangle, understand and change those parts of my life that I have used to justify and excuse self-abdication until all of me is self-directive wherein I am able to apply self-will in every moment.

I commit myself to being and becoming the self-directive principle of me, and releasing myself from the influence my environment has upon me, until I am aligned with reality in a practical way that supports me as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to standing stable in every moment, and o not sabotage myself in a moment due to an internal experience or an environmental pressure.

When and as I see myself going into excuses, justifications and beliefs that allow me to sabotage myself, such as with over-eating at a ‘special’ occasion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that such actions are an abdication of self-responsibility, and falling in the face of these temptations diminishes me as it destroys the self-commitment, self-will and self-direction I have created within me thus far. I WILL NOT accept and allow myself to sabotage and diminish myself in this way, so instead I breathe, I realize that I cannot trust the feelings inside me, and instead I will trust myself as life, even when it doesn’t feel ‘good’. I realize change does not always feel ‘good’.