Day 211 - Naked Face, Facing Naked Truth

Here's me in the morning, no makeup, tired eyes, a blank slate waiting for instructions. My un-directed mind starts to take over and create a blueprint for the day based on subconscious fears, undesirable memories and patterns of the past. That is where I step in, me as my awareness, my self-will, my self-directive principle. 

Today I give myself the opportunity to choose again:

Who Will I Be Today?

This morning is the first day I am back from my vacation. I came home Saturday so that Sunday could be a buffer day before I go back to work. This morning my experience is that I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach. The thought of knowing that I have to go back to work, knowing I will get caught up in the stress and anxiety of it all, knowing that it is beyond my control that my body will become stiff and painful, like walking into slaughter.

The word I will use to encapsulate this is ‘foreboding’. I can relate this back to when I was younger and most of the activities I had to do I actually loathed – school, swimming lessons, piano lessons, homework, etc… – things that I didn’t understand, or I was physically uncomfortable doing, or did not interest me at all. And I began to develop this feeling about ‘what is coming next’ and how I will experience myself negatively during it.

The attitude here is that “something bad is necessarily going to happen”, the key word being ‘necessarily’. When I was younger I would become emotional in situations where people had to teach me things and they would become frustrated and upset because I would not learn. But at that stage in life, learning is what we do most, so I would face it again and again. Also, I was being placed into activities not of my choosing and never pushed real hard to stop them, I just gave up and submitted to going through whatever was placed on my plate. So I began to see this as how life necessarily plays out. I never thought to give myself options…. Always the victim, never giving too much fight.

Now it is different though. I have chosen to be at the job I am at. I could technically quit whenever I want. I can also choose how I handle the stress of the day, whereas when I was younger, I did not have this understanding. I realize I can and have to fight for making things better and more supportive for myself, because I have seen that things are never ever just handed out. I can challenge myself and what I claim to apparently 'know' about myself and life, because within this 'knowing' there is a victimization present that I cannot accept or allow. The naked truth is that I am not a victim of my circumstances, that I can choose and I can change.

The question is then, how do I change my experience from that of ‘foreboding’ (picture a small child, knees to chest, grasping legs and looking up in fear), to a strong woman, standing tall, walking bravely, confidently, determinedly into the darkness of the unknown, ready to face whatever comes up and let it roll of her back like a wave. The word that sticks out for me is ‘determinedly’. And that will be my support word: “determined”.

The meaning I will live is both ‘to be determined’, and ‘to determine how I will be’. It goes forward and backward. I am determined to live today to it’s fullest, to get the things done that I need to do so that I am best supported to face my week. I also determine that I will face this day with confidence and certainty that I know what the fuck I am doing, why I am doing it, and who I am within it.

To accomplish this I will write out a list of the things I need to get done. I will keep it practical and do-able. I will also include enjoyable things on there, so that it is not just a day of errands. It is important to always keep the balance. This way I go from a foreboding day where I stay in and hide, to a determined day where I get out there and face the world. At the end of the day I will do a recap and post it here.

A little self-forgiveness to release the past:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events because I keep re-hashing only memories of unpleasant play-outs essentially using only the negatives of my past to paint my future with, instead of remembering a balance, and more importantly, remembering to be present, Here, grounded and knowing fully that I create my future with the decision I make right here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of foreboding within and as me because I am remembering how in the past I used to victimize myself and make myself powerless to change my environment, activities and self-experience, and hanging on to that as if it were truth, instead of letting go of that and tossing it as far away from myself as possible, and celebrating the fact that I have realized it is NOT truth, I am NOT a victim, and I have COMPLETE determination over who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to pity myself as one that has to endure life and always faces negative scenarios and unfortunate play-outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that I had a lot to do with creating the enduring negative experiences in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I had a choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of being the victim, because then I don't have to be completely responsible for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be completely responsible for myself, instead of seeing and realizing that complete responsibility creates complete freedom and empowerment.

I Think, Therefore I do not Act - Life Review:

How do thoughts determine who we are and will always be?

Living in Imagination - Reptilians - Part 204:
How have we come to live predominantly within our imaginations?
What does it mean to live in our imagination, even though we exist in the physical reality?
Why doesn’t each of our thoughts or imaginings manifest in the world?
What determines which of our thoughts or imaginings will manifest in the world?
Do we determine what manifests from within us, or is there something more…?

Osho - Becoming the Point of Ego

Thank you

Day 208 - Waking Up Fearless (part two - results!)

Sometimes I wakeup so fearful it actually prevents me from living my life the way I would like to see it lived.

I promised I would give a recap on whether I stood or failed in my challenge to break through this fear, and what I learned.

This blog is the continuation from: Waking Up Fearless

Standing now at the end of my day, I will say this: BEWARE OF COMFORT ZONES!!!

What I realized about facing and pushing through the experience of ‘fear of facing the day’ (described in my last blog), is that there is little to no fear when I remain in my comfort zone.

This is SO dangerous, because most of the fear we feel is irrational, yet we allow it to influence our lives, trusting this feeling so much that we would avoid pushing ourselves, expanding, or trying new things!

What I noticed is that the fear is usually based in past memories being projected into the future, as if the mind believes it is inevitable that the days will play out like it did in the memory it is storing. As if the same bad/consequential/unpleasant thing will happen again.

When I woke up with somewhat debilitating fear this morning, I gave myself the support word of ‘fearless’ – really took a look at what I wanted ‘fearless’ to mean for me, and how I could actually practically live it.

As I had mentioned, I was going snowboarding this day, and the memory of a bad fall I had had years ago kept coming up, accompanied by the beating I took as I was learning how to snowboard – as if these pains would all necessarily be re-lived.

When I went into moments of fear today, I reminded myself of my support word ‘fearless’. I remembered the definition I had created, and how I was pushing myself to move bravely forward, be fully present and ENJOY these moments, free from the shackles of memory: stop projecting and live in the Hereness of the moment, creating an entirely NEW moment, not tainted by the past.

The fact of having this support word helped me to see that I do in fact give myself permission to let go of the fear and enjoy life. Within this, I experience a shift within me, like a door opening after having given myself the key.

Today, I prompted myself a lot, and kept moving forward. I saw the day’s events as something to rather be fully engaged within and taken on as a challenge, rather than being fearful of them.

In this way, I got to return to my comfort zone at the end of the day, knowing this is not a hiding place, but rather a place where I can relax and reflect on how I did that day.

Having pushed through the fear and engaged and enjoyed, I can say that I feel a little more at home within myself, a little more ‘me’, like I was as a child.

Thank you for reading and I will see what comes up another morning upon waking up!

Here is another inspirational Self & Living video for further insights into self:

I am Not Awake Yet… Or am I?

Sometimes we wake up but will still experience ourselves as being “not awake” while we drag our feet towards our morning coffee in order to eventually “wake up” and be okay with facing and directing the day. But how can this experience of “I am not awake” actually be real if in fact our physical bodies are awake, aware, and already up and about?
Are we in fact not awake within our bodies, or are we simply stuck in an energetic experience and routine that only feels real because we want to stay in that state of grogginess and procrastination instead of facing our day?

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